My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

9/5/11

This is going to be incredibly short, because I completely just forgot to write this weekend. I swear the exhaustion is starting to get to me. And we're only a month in.

Anyway, I really want to say something while I'm thinking of it.

No one understands me. Excuse the cliche, but it's true. Sometimes when I say things to S or our mom, I just feel like they don't listen. They don't understand that when I make a strange passing comment, it's usually because I want to talk about something. I think they, like me, are kind of in their own worlds. Which I get, because there is a lot going on, but still. And everytime I try to talk, they just want to convince me that I'm wrong, or argue about it until I feel like I was stupid for even bringing it up. Which is why I'm glad I can always say it here, even if no one replies, because at least I'm not being looked down on.

This was brought about because I was reading my school book when S just comes in an gives me the phone and tells me to talk to F5. I'm sorry, but I have 50 pages to read by Wednesday. And I can't even get mad about it, because then out mom is upset that I made it seem like I don't want to talk to F5. It's like I'm not allowed to have feelings.

Irritability is one of the symptoms that teenagers with depression experience more often than adults. I'm starting to see that now. Our mom said that as a kid I was always irritable too. I just get so angry, and no one cares.

Now that that's done, I want to mention a few things from the week, in a shortened version.

First is open house at school. Our mom met all of our teachers, and it went fairly well. Especially since our teachers love us. It's a nice feeling to know that teachers appreciate your work.

Second is auditions for the school play. I have a few points here:

1. They say it's fair, but it's pretty obvious that they have favorites when they cast it. And I am not one of them. It's really unfair. They didn't even let me read much, because in my scene I was paired wig one of their favorites. They only payed attention to him.

2. It's incredibly disheartening to knowthat you're not a favorite. It seriously upset S and I. We came home and watched a musical to make us feel better. ( side note: I found a cheap used copy of Evita at the mall today when we were out shopping for school clothes. I was proud of myself. Also, I hate clothes shopping. Nothing ever fits me.)

3. John Greenbis right about theatre people. They are all touchy, and they all talk at once.

So that's all. Oh, and apparently my English teacher thinks I'm good at reading into literature. I didn't think so, but maybe I am. That's what she wrote on my last character essay. Whih made me feel awesome. I got a 101 on that paper. It made my day on Friday.

So that's my week in condensed form. Wish me luck tomorrow; we are gettig back a chemistry test and a Spanish test that everyone failed. Our Spanish teacher said that 3/4 of the students in that class are failing. I honestly didn't think it was that hard. But last time I checked I had a 94 in that class, which isnt great, but certainly isn't failing.

Also, does anyone else have online grades? We have a system that let's us check our grades at home online, and I check it compulsively. I need to know my grades at all time, because anything under a 97 is bad.

One thing that bothers me is that no one let's me complain about grades. Just because I think a 95 is bad doesn't mean I'm not allowed to complain when my grades drop that low. I work hard for my grades, so forgive me for expecting a lot of myself. And my grades have actually been decreasing this year; I'm not freaking out because I have a 99 instead of a 100. Yet.

I'm sorry if that made no sense, I'm just tirednof people thinking I'm upset that I'm not perfect. I know I'm not perfect, I'm upset because I could do better than I am. Just because they don't try gives them no right to criticize me.

Oh! Also, I wrote a thing called A Conversation about a conversation( shocker!) I had at Lunch one day. Read it if you want. I think it's fairly interesting. If you like this then you should like that.

I have to go now; it's getting late. Thank you for listening, and forgive me for being so absentminded. Thank you for being here, especially if you've read from the beginnig, which I know is less likely now because of the sheer number of chapters. Most of you are probably tired of me. So thank you all.

Goodbye.

"I never conquered, rarely came. Tomorrow holds such better days, days when I'll still feel alive."

-Adam's Song, Blink-182. Sorry if I've already used this one; my memory has been severely impacted by my exhaustion.