My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/23/11

I'm not sure how long it's been. It feels like it's been forever. Sorry. I just needed a break from everything. Ever since I went to the doctor I've been feeling bad. It's the worst I've felt since school let out. I'm starting to pull out of it though. I made it through most of the day.

I have a secret. I don't know whether I should tell you. I'm worried that one day someone I know will find this and put two and two together, then it wouldn't be a secret.

But you know what? That's what you all are here for. Besides, what good is a secret if you can't tell it to someone? It will be a secret between you and me. You can't tell anyone, ok?

As you can probably tell from my tone, I'm not feeling the best right now. I don't know why; it's just one of those time that I feel like life has no meaning. Like each moment is wasted.

So I did something that I didn't think I'd ever do. Something I regretted after I thought about it, yet I did it again.

I found an old, sharp pin in my drawer. And I put it against my skin. I scratched out a thin line, right on my wrist where my watch would cover it.

It didn't break the skin. I haven't found anything sharp enough for that. But it left a scar. And it hurt.

It's one of the strangest things I've ever felt.

To explain fully, I should probably start with my motivations.

I was in a bad state of mind; I still am. The internal pain just hurts so bad. It's hard to comprehend while I'm not in it, but while I'm stuck in the depression, it's overwhelming. I can't stand the emptiness. I can't really describe it.

I've heard that physical pain drives out the internal pain. That was my first motivation. I just needed some sort of relief.

I've also heard that it brings an adrenaline rush that helps gets rid of the sadness.

I guess a small part of me also wanted attention. But not anymore.

There was also a feeling of wanting to see and feel the blood drip down my arm, which is still there.

So the feeling itself is hard to explain. There is physical pain, but only slight pain, not enough to really hurt.

The thing that scares me is that it almost felt good. It was such a huge distraction from the emotional pain. And there was an adrenaline rush. It felt good for a while. But after I put the pin away, I was shocked at the enormity of what I had done.

I never realized, but this could become a big problem. Before I really thought about it, when I sat there with the metal pressed to my skin, I didn't think it was a problem. I thought it was just another meaningless action. But looking back, it's not meaningless. It's a bad thing. and I'm ashamed.

That small part that wanted attention is gone. I can't imagine what my mom or S or any of my friends would say. They would call me dramatic; be disappointed and ashamed of me, never look at me the same.

So I'm hiding it with bracelets. Yesterday my mom asked what was on my arm, referring to the bracelets, and I jumped two feet int he air, thinking she had seen the scar.

I don't even know myself anymore.

And yet, even with my shame and regret, I did it again. Just a few minutes ago. And it felt good, until I realized what I was doing. Then the shame was back, full force.

It didn't break the skin. And I know some people do it hundreds of times. But it's the opposite of what I was looking for. I expected progress this summer, but I've gone backwards.

No one knows. My mom keeps saying that I seem happier. I'm sure I do, too, because I don't want to concern her. She thinks that it's just something I'll have to suffer through until I'm an adult and can take care of it myself.

I don't feel like I can talk to her anymore. I feel like things have changed recently. Like she doesn't like talking about emotions, so I should stop trying. And that hurts so much, because I though she of all people would understand. And I'm sure to a point she does understand how I feel, I just don't think se knows how to respond to it, cuz no one ever helped her or talked to her about it.

No one really knows me anymore. Only you, my dear readers. And it will probably stay that way for a while. No one really wants to know me.

I know I'm being stupid and immature and depressing, but I hope you all can look past it, and continue to support me.

I haven't been in a state to answer comments or read stories or anything, but I will, I promise, as soon as I get out of this slump. Just please stick with me. You all help so much.

Also, I'm going to start dedicating chapters to wattpadders who support me, in random order. So this is for Actinconverse, who has consistently commented and helped. Thank you.

So that's about it for now. Thank you all. I don't know where I would be without you.

Goodbye.

"I'm treading for my life, believe me. How can I keep up this breathing?"

-"Into the Ocean", Blue October.