My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

7/9/11

Sorry about the probable shortness of this. It's 2:30 in the morning and I can't sleep, despite having three other sleeping girls in the room. F4&6 spent the night, so we are all asleep on the floor, but I got myself all worked up into a mini meltdown, so I need to write in order to get out my thoughts so I can sleep.

I think I might've mentioned that we were going shopping for costumes today. It went pretty well, and when we got home we took a bunch of pictures. Well, S posted some on facebook, and I looked at them earlier tonight.

I must say, I had almost fooled myself into thinking I look ok sometimes. But anytime I see a picture of myself, I can't help but think that I'm so ugly, especially compared to S and my friends. I know that everyone is supposedly their own harshest critic, but I honestly don't think that anyone else would see it differently. I mean, F6 is one of the prettiest girls I know. And S is so pretty too, as well as super confident. Sometimes I wonder how she's even my sister. And F4 doesn't even care about her looks. I am so jealous of all of them.

I got to thinking, I'm so ugly, so why can anyone even stand to be around me? I swear I have less confidence than anybody. Then I start to think of all my personality flaws. I'm whiny, and depressed, and self conscious, an completely not fun to be around. So how do I even have friends?

But ignore all that, it's just tired, early morning ramblings. I'm fine, really.

To help me get to sleep, I'm gonna let you all into my brain for a while:

When I'm really tired and I can't sleep, I usually have fake conversations in my head. Sometimes i come up with situations, and think about what would happen. Some are really dumb, like what would happen if this story got famous and I had to reveal my identity. Some are more serious. I've come up with hundreds of different conversations in my mind about how I would tell different people about my depression. It might be strange, but it gives me a sort of peace, just knowing that those things are possible, even if it's only in my mind.

A lot of times, instead of a fake situation, I'll write an entire post in my mind. I hardly ever remember it, much less write it down, since that takes a lot of time and would be counterproductive in my sleep efforts, but it really helps. It's not nearly as helpful as actually writing, but it's similar, and it gets all the feelings out without making me feel crazy for talking to myself in my mind.

So once again, thank you for giving me at least a little peace of mind. This has helped. Writin in my mind is nice, but actually writing is much nicer, because it has a purpose: to share my thoughts with someone.

I think that's why my fake conversations never quite satisfy me: I'm just talking to myself. I'm not truly expressing myself, and there is no purpose, whereas a real conversation actually shares information.

Im sure none of this has made any since, but it helped. Thank you all, and goodnight.