The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 126

Shawn and I saw each other a few more times between his studio session and tour. Each encounter was the same; we'd meet up under the pretense of spending time together as friends and then we'd end up in bed. The sex was amazing, and we enjoyed every moment that we shared, but there was an unspoken agreement between us that we wouldn't overthink things or try to put a label on it. The only thing we had discussed was that if either of us had sex with another person, we had to share that information for health reasons. On my end, this wasn't an issue since I wasn't interested in being with anyone else.

He'd been in Europe for over a week when I closed my Bumble account and deleted all the dating apps from my phone. I knew that I wasn't ready to move on. Even if Shawn and I stopped whatever it was we were doing, he'd still own my heart which meant no one else stood a chance. If I'd continued seeing Stephen, he might make me happy since he checked every box and was a great guy. The problem was that he could never make me as happy as Shawn had, and it would be horribly unfair to date him when I loved someone else. Hopefully he'd find his perfect match and fall in love, because he deserved that.

While he was on tour, Shawn called or texted me practically every day, though the calls were hard to coordinate because of the time zone difference. During the North American leg, we talked after his concerts; this time around we had to wait until the next day. I missed hearing the excitement in his voice that followed an electrifying performance, but four in the morning phone calls would have been hard on me. Lately I'd been taking a prescription migraine medication on the nights my head hurt, and it zonked me out until my alarm went off at seven.

In early July, he had a few days off between the Paris and Mannheim shows, and we planned a long-distance dinner date on that Saturday night. He was six hours ahead of me, so we split the difference. I had my food delivered at three in the afternoon, which was nine at night there. When I had my meal in front of me, I texted him that I could talk when he was ready. He called a few minutes later.

"Hey, Lucy," he said. "I know it's early for you, but I'm starving. I had some vegan sausages, sauerkraut, and potatoes delivered to my room. What are you having?"

"I decided that since you're in Germany, I'd get German food, too. I ordered from Otto's and got the spätzle, which looks a lot like mac and cheese. I picked up a Gewürztraminer wine yesterday, and if you're drinking, I'll open it."

"I just so happen to have a really good pilsner to go with my dinner," he told me.

I put him on speaker as I took the phone in the kitchen, and Inky meowed at me since she assumed if it was my dinnertime, it was hers, too.

"I hear Inky! Scratch her between the ears for me."

"She's mad that I'm not filling her bowl, but if I give her a scoop of kibble now, she'll start yowling in the middle of the night. I guess I should be thankful that one of us has an appetite."

"No improvement with the new medication, eh?" he queried.

"None. I'm drinking two of the high-calorie shakes each day, so that's keeping my weight stable. It's just weird that in the past I'd eat a whole container of ice cream when I was down, but now the thought of that makes me gag."

"Are you feeling down?" The concern in his voice pulled at my heartstrings.

"Not really, which makes this even stranger. I've got my wine and I am sitting down at the table. Cheers!" I said as I raised my glass.

"Prost!"

We talked about what he'd been doing in Germany as we ate, and I managed to finish almost half of my meal. I ended up pouring most of my wine down the drain when I took my take-out container to the kitchen, but I saved the food for later since there was a chance I might get hungry.

"I wish you could come spend a week with me," Shawn said after I'd moved to the couch. "If you came at the end of the month, you'd get to see some of the UK and Dublin. You would love London, and I'd have fun acting as your personal tour guide."

"It sounds wonderful, but I'm not sure if this is a good idea considering we have an undefined relationship," I told him, though I wished it was something I could do. My health issues were another reason I was resistant to travel abroad, but I didn't want to circle back to that topic.

"Undefined? Okay, then let's define it."

"That's easier said than done. What would you say we're doing?"

"You tell me, since you're apparently the one calling the shots these days," he said pointedly.

He was right. I had set the parameters for this thing we shared between us. I didn't have to be the one to suggest a label, though. "I don't want that burden."

"What do you want? Are you intentionally keeping your options open in case you fall for someone you meet on one of those dating sites?" He could not hide the hint of jealousy in his voice.

"I deleted all of the apps and closed the one account I had open. It's easier for me to tell you what I don't want. First off, I don't want to go on anymore dates with random guys because it's a waste of their time and mine. No matter how wonderful a man is, I'm not going to fall in love with him. Secondly, I don't want to fight with you-"

"Wait," he stopped me. "Rewind to the first thing. Why aren't you going to fall in love with another guy?"

"Because I only love you," I said matter-of-factly.

He was silent for at least three seconds which caused my heart to race. "Still?" he asked softly.

"Always."

"I love you, too, Lulu, which is exactly why I don't understand what we're doing or how we got to this point."

"We broke up because you're the one who couldn't forgive me! You also didn't think I really loved you, but considering I can't fucking let go, I think it proves that I do!" I started crying, not because I was sad, but because finally saying all this caused a rush of emotions.

"I forgive you for everything. Do you forgive me for what happened at Christmas and in Hawaii?"

"Yes. I forgave you ages ago. Do you believe I love you as much as you love me?"

"I love you so much that it's hard to imagine you feeling the same way." His voice broke as he said this, and I suspected he was on the verge of crying.

"You're going to have to have faith in me, Shawn, and trust that I love you."

"I can try, but I might need lots of reassurance. If that comes across as needy, I'm sorry."

"If your worst quality is that you need to be told you're loved, then I won't have any complaints," I said.

"So we're-"

"-back together," I completed his thought, and a weight lifted from my soul.

Shawn let out a loud whoop that I was sure could be heard throughout the floor of his fancy German hotel. "Baby, you have no idea how long I've waited for this moment!"

I laughed. "It could have come sooner if you had just told me you'd forgiven me!"

"I thought it was obvious after the housewarming party."

"I needed you to tell me."

"That's something we can work on as we move forward; open communication and not making assumptions," he stated. "So now that we're officially a couple again, can I book your flight?"

"At my last visit, Doctor Nguyen mentioned the possibility of more tests being done. I'd like to hold off on making travel plans until I know everything is okay."

He hesitated before he said, "I understand."

"But you're disappointed?" I could hear it in his voice, so the question was almost rhetorical.

"A little, but I can handle it. Your health is what matters most, and we can take a trip anywhere you want once the tour ends. I can't wait to spend time alone with you, even if it's in Toronto. Jesus, I wish I could kiss you right now."

"I love you," I told him, meaning it more than ever before.

"I'm so fucking thrilled to hear those words again. I love you, too, Lulu."

For the first time in a long time, everything was right in the world, and I was completely happy.