The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 57

When he said his happiest time might be ahead of him, my heart stopped for a split second. Was he trying to tell me something? I waited for him to elaborate, but he didn't, so I handed him a mug of black coffee and then added cream and sugar to mine. "Let's go sit down."

Once we were situated on the couch, Inky leapt up on Shawn's lap. "Hey there tiny panther. I missed you," he told her as he stroked her sleek black fur.

"She missed you, too."

He looked up from the cat and gazed deeply into my eyes. "Is she the only one?"

I'd set myself up for that one, but I quickly deflected his question. "My grandma had her heart set on you singing Christmas carols for us, so I guess she missed you, too."

He laughed. "Really? She wanted a me to give your family a private concert?"

"Not exactly. Everyone would sing along. It's something she likes to do every year."

"You've got such a great family. How're they doing?" he asked.

"My cousin Bethany got engaged and Uncle Sal is in a panic over what a wedding will cost since she's already stated the reception will not be held at Ollie's pizzeria."

"I think a pizza themed wedding would be awesome."

"Considering you don't eat real pizza, that's an odd thing to say," I teased.

"Gluten-free vegan pizza is real."

"Fine, but it's not delicious."

"When it's your only option, it tastes better," he argued.

"I guess if I was shipwrecked on an island and the only food was your nasty pizza, I wouldn't turn it down."

He chuckled. "I wanna know where there's a deserted island that has pizza."

Something occurred to me. "You know," I pointed to the window, "if you don't leave soon, you're going to be stranded here and I don't have much on hand for you to eat."

"I'm sure I could make do."

Butterflies took flight in my tummy. Was he saying he was okay being stuck here with me and my unhealthy food? When I posted the pic of my street, I never imagined this would be the outcome. He was here and he was being flirty. Was this what I wanted?

"But if you want me to leave, I will," he added when I hadn't responded.

"Shawn...why did you come here to begin with?"

"Because you said you aren't doing great and neither am I. I think there's a connection between how we're feeling and I'm tired of ignoring it. I've been really unhappy since you broke up with me."

"So have I," I said softly, "but there's no alternative that's going to be better for us in the long run."

He shook his head. "That's not true."

"It is! I can either deal with heartache now or down the road, and honestly, I'd rather just get it over with and maybe move on!" No matter how much I wanted him back, I knew it would be temporary and I needed to be honest about that with myself and Shawn.

He stood up. "I thought maybe you'd changed your mind. I'm sorry that I just showed up like this." I watched as he went to the door and put his boots and coat on. "Take care, Lulu." Then he left.

An image of his car crumpled against a light pole flashed through my mind, so I ran to the door and opened it. "Stop!" I called to him before he reached the elevator. "You can't drive in this storm!"

He turned around. "I'll be fine."

"Maybe, but I won't ever forgive myself if you get hurt. Come back inside until the storm blows over and the roads are plowed. We can watch a movie. I might even have some microwave popcorn in my pantry."

He stood frozen for a couple seconds and then walked back to my apartment. I made us each a bowl of popcorn after reading the ingredients. It just so happens that 'movie theater butter' flavor contains no actual butter which meant he could eat it. I handed his to him and cringed when I remembered that my TV was in my bedroom. He followed me there without making a comment and sat down on what had once been his side.

"Is that my hoodie?" he asked, pointing to one that was draped over a chair.

"Maybe."

"I wondered where it was. That's one of my favorites."

"You can have it," I said glumly.

"That's very generous of you, considering it's mine."

I looked at him and saw he was smirking. He then licked his lips and I was positive he was thinking about kissing me. I needed to be very careful or we'd end up making a big mistake. "We need some ground rules."

"What do you mean?"

"If you're going to be here, I need boundaries. Number one, you need to lay off the charm and flirting."

"Was I flirting?" he asked with feigned innocence.

I rolled my eyes. "Number two, no matter how much I might seem like I want it, you're not to make a move on me."

"That's really unfair."

"How so?" I asked.

"Because you're putting all the responsibility on me to show restraint when I'm the one who obviously wants something to happen."

My heart flipped. "Is that why you came over?"

"It's not the main reason, but I'm not going to lie and say it didn't cross my mind."

"You miss the sex, not me," I stated flatly.

"For fuck's sake, Lucy! That's not what I said. Do you know how offensive it is that you think I've only ever wanted you for that?"

"Right...I forgot. You like me."

Shawn's jaw clenched as his eyes bore into mine, and when he spoke, his voice was strained. "My feelings go much deeper than that."

"But they aren't as deep as mine, are they?" I said as I stood up quickly. My knee hit my popcorn bowl and it went flying onto the floor. "Fuck!" I shouted as hot tears streamed down my cheeks.

He set his bowl on the bedside table and began cleaning my mess while I choked back sobs. Once it was all picked up, he took everything to the kitchen and returned with a damp paper towel which he used to wipe up the greasy remnants.

When he was done, he approached me. "Can I hug you?" he asked, which made me cry harder. I nodded and he enveloped me in his strong arms as I pressed my face into his chest. "I'm sorry I upset you," he whispered.

"It's not your fault. I'm the idiot who fell in love."

He reached down and took my chin in his hand so that I was looking up at him. "I guess that makes me an idiot because I love you, too."

I shook out of his grasp and pushed him away. "Don't say that! Lying to make me feel better is despicable!"

"I'd never lie about love!"

I sat down on the bed and sniffled. "There are different kinds of love. You explained that to me once. What kind do you feel for me?"

"If you're asking me if I love you in the same way I love my friends, then the answer is no. It's much more than that." He kneeled in front of me. "When you ended things in November, it broke my heart, and that helped me realize my true feelings for you. I hate to admit this, but I went into our relationship convinced that I'd couldn't truly love anyone else while I was still reeling from losing Camila. My breakup with her hurt so much and I knew I needed a lot of time to get over the loss. I fought it, Lulu. Every time I felt the urge to tell you how I felt, I suppressed it, which I know was wrong. The thing is, I needed to protect myself. I'm not the strongest person and I have lots of flaws, but I hope you can forgive me and consider giving us a second chance."

He was saying everything I wanted to hear, but my brain was swirling with confusion. "I need to process this. I don't want you to leave, but I need some space. Can you go to the living room? You're welcome to anything in the kitchen. I just really need to be alone."

He nodded and left me to my thoughts.