The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 114

I sat on the edge of the examination table at my doctor's office swinging my legs anxiously. The nurse had already done all the preliminary stuff; I'd been weighed and my blood pressure was checked. She'd also drawn blood for routine tests. Normally I didn't mind my annual check-up, but this was a little different.

Two days earlier, I'd told my therapist about my recent weight loss and she was far more concerned than I expected her to be. This was the tipping point for her recommending medication, so she insisted that I make an appointment with my general practitioner, who she then contacted with her concerns. I knew that I needed help, so I was willing to listen to whatever my doctor suggested.

After a long wait, during which I was freezing in my skimpy hospital gown, Doctor Nguyen entered the room. She'd been seeing me since I was eighteen and I really liked her.

"Hello, Lucy," she said brightly as she looked at her tablet. "It's been a little over a year since your last visit, and I've received a bunch of paperwork on you. I saw your case in the news, and I'm very sorry you went through such a horrible assault."

"I forgot that I haven't been here since that happened," I replied with a nervous laugh. I didn't enjoy talking about the attack, so I hoped she wouldn't want me to rehash it all.

"You had a serious head injury, eh?"

"Yes, but I'm fully recovered from that."

"You were fortunate that Dr. Morris treated you since she's the best in her field. I reviewed everything she sent me, which is why I was a little late. How are you feeling? Any lingering problems?" she asked.

"My physical health is fine, though every once in a awhile I get a headache."

"Hm. Okay." She typed into the tablet. "More headaches than before the head trauma?"

"No. The same. Advil helps."

"Good, but overuse of Ibuprofen can cause gastrointestinal complications and isn't good for your heart, so if you find yourself needing it daily, please come see me. Your OB/GYN added to your health record that you've gone on the pill. How's that going for you?"

"It's nice knowing exactly when I'll get my period, and they are quite a bit lighter," I told her.

"Are you using any other birth control? Condoms?"

I shook my head. "At the moment, I have no need for that."

Dr. Nguyen gave me a sympathetic look. "You were dating Shawn Mendes, right? I saw that in the news, too."

"We broke up in December, but yes, we dated for a short period."

She looked at her tablet again. "Your therapist forwarded her notes on you and is concerned about depression, which you know since that's why you're here. You're down four and a half kilograms, or ten pounds if you use that type of scale, which is a little alarming."

"I calculated my BMI and it's still in the normal range."

"Just barely. It's the sudden weight loss that is an issue. You're at greater risk of developing gallstones, which I promise you, you do not want to have. You could also experience hair loss and short term memory problems. We need to work on the depression with hopes it brings your appetite back, though if you're intentionally cutting calories, that's another problem altogether. I have a colleague who specializes in disordered eating who I could refer you to."

I looked down at my hands, which I'd been wringing in my lap. "I've taken the breakup from Shawn pretty hard. I don't cry much anymore, but food doesn't taste good. Nothing really makes me happy these days. I'll have moments where I feel fine, like when I'm with my friends, but then things get bad again. As for not eating on purpose...that's not me. I love food. I definitely don't want to lose more weight, and I'd like to put a few pounds back on since my clothes are too loose these days."

"I'm not a psychiatrist, but I deal with this type of thing frequently. It's highly likely that you've been experiencing post-traumatic stress following the attack, which is now coupled with situational-depression that came after your breakup."

I looked up at her. "Sounds about right."

"Zoloft, which is the most popular form of Sertraline, is a great medication for scenarios like yours since it helps to restore the balance of serotonin in the brain. It could increase your appetite, but conversely, one of the side-effects can be weight loss, which worries me a bit. If you're not eating because things don't taste right due to depression, then perhaps as your mental health improves, you'll enjoy food again. For the first couple months, you will need to swing by my office every two weeks to get weighed. If it impacts your appetite negatively, we can try another medication."

I nodded. "I can do that, but if I'm being honest, I don't want to go on any pills. I think I'll be fine with a little more time."

Over the last week, I'd been trying to make positive changes. I began exercising again, though I was pretty much back to square one since it had been ages since I last jogged. After getting advice from the girls, I added several dating apps to my phone, but I hadn't created profiles yet. Even if I couldn't imagine myself with anyone but Shawn, I knew I needed to take the plunge. Spending the rest of my life pining away for someone I couldn't have was no way to live. I'd probably go on a whole bunch of bad dates, but that didn't mean that the right guy wasn't out there somewhere.

"I can't force you to follow my treatment plan, but I've known you for awhile, Lucy, and you've been though a lot, starting with your mother's death. My belief is that medication in conjunction with therapy is the best course of action. There's no shame in having mental health struggles or seeking help. In fact, you're already on your way since you've opened up to your therapist and are here today. You should be proud of yourself."

"I just want to feel like I did a year ago," I told her.

What I really wanted was a time machine. I'd give anything to go back to the night I met Shawn and do everything over again. If that kind of magic existed, I could avoid the confrontation with Liam and then I would not have been attacked and put in a coma. The dream would never have occurred. The only problem with this fantasy was that it was uncertain whether I'd end up with Shawn. He believed that the sequence of events that night are what brought us together, so if they hadn't happened, maybe he would never have called me.

Dr. Nguyen gave me my prescription and I went home. I was emotionally worn out, but I knew crawling into bed wasn't the answer, so I forced myself to eat a small snack before going back out to buy a cute outfit for Briya and Fallon's party.

That was another thing I'd taken a step forward with; I told them the day after our brunch that it was fine if Shawn was there. I could handle seeing him for an hour or two, and it's not like we'd have to mingle. I could stay on one side of the room and he could have the other. Maybe we'd exchange pleasantries, but that wouldn't be so terrible. Like Fallon said, we were adults and could behave maturely.

As I looked through a rack of cocktail dresses, I decided that I wanted to look lethally hot. Was that immature? Probably. At the same time, wanting to look good was an improvement over how I'd been living, so I wasn't going to be hard on myself about it. If he showed up, he'd looked incredible so why shouldn't I? Besides...if I was back on the market, I needed to hone my datability skills, and that meant taking care of my appearance.