The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 107

Shawn bent over and pried his black card from under the door. "I went online to order a replacement last week because I thought I lost this." He turned it over. "Good thing because the magnetic strip is fucked now."

I hadn't considered that I might damage the card, and my foolishness made this whole scene even more embarrassing.

The neighbor let out a hrmph sound before returning to her condo, and Stanley looked from me to Shawn. "Do you want me to escort Ms. Atwood out of the building."

"No need, Stanley. She's relatively harmless. Thanks for the call."

"Change your code, please...and be careful who you give it to," the guard said as he walked away.

I contemplated following him down the hall, but the thought of riding in the elevator with someone who was irritated with me was unappealing. I looked to the right at the door to the stairs. Eleven flights was a lot, but at least it was down instead of up.

"Merry Christmas, Lucy. What's up with the covert operation?" Shawn asked as I considered my escape options.

I turned and looked at him, which caused my heart rate to accelerate. Did he know he had that affect on me? "I'm really sorry I disturbed you, but I found your card when Inky knocked a toy under the bookcase and I figured the easiest thing to do was return it to you by slipping it under the door. I thought that calling or texting might be weird."

A grin formed on his very stubbly face. "Weirder than the scenario that just happened?"

"No, but I didn't think the card would get stuck or that you'd be here since it's Christmas." When I formulated my plan, it seemed so simple, but once again life made things exponentially more complex.

"I came home right after dinner because my mood was bringing everyone down. I was sound asleep with my AirPods in when Stanley called, otherwise I probably would have heard you," he explained.

"More likely you would have heard your neighbor." I shot a nasty look towards her door.

"She's had beef with me ever since the incident with Tarzan crapping in the hall, so it's no wonder she caused a scene."

"Oh! I should have known it was her."

He ran a hand through his messy hair. "Do you want to come in for a sec?"

"Do you think that's a good idea?" I asked as my heart beat even harder in my chest.

"Probably not."

"Is it a really bad idea?" I wanted so desperately for him to reply that it wasn't, because an invisible force was pulling me into his condo. I was pretty sure he was picking up on my vibe.

He stepped aside so I could enter. "Can things get any worse?"

It was a rhetorical question, so I refrained from replying. I knew that they absolutely could get worse, yet that didn't stop me from taking the risk. As I walked past him, I felt both anxious and electrified, because being near him again was overwhelming.

As I hung my coat over the back of a stool, the first thing I noticed was that his condo was a mess. It looked like he hadn't done a single dish in the twelve days we'd been broken up. The counters were cluttered with take-out boxes and it smelled a bit funky. The living room wasn't quite as bad, but the dining room table was covered in boxes (which I assumed were the presents he'd received) and the plastic containers for his holiday decorations. The tree was unlit, and over half the things we'd put on it together at the beginning of the month were removed.

That had been such a lovely night. We each took a gummy and listened to classic holiday songs as we hung his cute collection of woodland ornaments on the tree. I had a ten minute giggling fit over the owl tree topper, which was now discarded in one of the boxes. When we were done, he turned out all the lights and we sat on the sofa admiring our work. Later, we made love as the the tree twinkled next to us. Never in a million years would I have imagined that things would be vastly different now.

"Done with Christmas already?" I asked.

"My holiday cheer disappeared almost two weeks ago."

"Mine, too." I hadn't put up a tree because of Inky, but the few decorations that I'd set out irritated me after our breakup, so I shoved them in my closet.

"Can I get you something? Wine? Beer?"

This reminded me of when he reappeared in my dream twice after we'd broken up and had acted like hanging out was perfectly normal. I was already inside his home, which was crazy given how things were, so what did I have to lose? "Wine would be nice."

I watched as he searched several cabinets for a clean glass. When he couldn't find any, he took two paper cups from the pantry and filled them with Chardonnay. "Sorry. As you can see, I'm a little behind on my housework."

"No judgement," I assured him. We moved into the living room and sat down on opposite sides of the plush sectional sofa, though neither of us spoke at first. Finally, I broke the ice. "How's your family?"

"Good. I think they're annoyed with me, but that'll pass. How was your big family Christmas?"

"It was the same as it always is, only I had the added pleasure of everyone making a point not to talk to me about you. This meant that they had very little to say, but they couldn't help giving me sad eyes all night."

"We should have timed this better. If we'd held off until mid-January, we could have enjoyed Christmas and Hawaii," he said wryly.

As soon as he mentioned our now-defunct vacation plans, my heart plummeted to my stomach, and I realized that spending time with him was a huge mistake. What had been uncomfortable suddenly became excruciating, and I couldn't help but feel bitterness towards him for not forgiving me. "Or we could have made an attempt to work things out," I said a little snappishly before drinking half my wine in one long sip.

"Touché." Shawn lifted his cup towards me in a salute. "How'd the girls take our news?"

"Briya blames herself and Fallon is angry at both me and you."

"Brian told me that I'm stupider than he thought since I keep repeating the same mistake over and over."

I finished my wine because I knew I needed to get out of there. "Maybe you'll do better with your next girlfriend." Standing up, I said, "Thanks for the drink and sorry again for the credit card debacle."

"Was this brief encounter as painful for you as it was for me?" he asked as he got up to walk me out

"Like crawling over a bed of razors."

"We handled it pretty maturely, though."

I looked up at him with a sad smile. "I guess we did, but we probably shouldn't do it again. It's really hard for me to be around you." As much as I'd wanted to spend time with him, all it did was reinforce what I'd lost.

Shawn reached out and touched my elbow, "I don't like that you feel that way, even if I get it. What I really hate is that while this is hell, at the same time, my mind is racing to come up with excuses for you to stay." His milk chocolate colored eyes penetrated my soul and I could practically read his mind.

I gulped. "Don't do this."

"What am I doing?" he asked.

"You have that...look."

"What look?"

"Like you love me and want me," I whispered.

His hand gripped my elbow tightly. "I do love you and I do want you, Lulu. That hasn't changed at all and I'm pretty certain it never will."

I told myself that this was one of the known dangers of seeing an ex so soon after a breakup. Not enough time had passed for any feelings to fade, and the pain was still raw, which made us both vulnerable. I'd played with fire when I crossed the threshold into his condo and now I had to decide how bad a burn I wanted. I could kiss him, which would be a first degree burn, or I could do what every cell in my body wanted and go for the third degree, which might leave me blistered and charred.

There was another option, of course. I could be strong and walk out his door unscathed.

I gazed up at his face, which was somehow made even more sexy by the beard growth, and fought to let my brain make the decision instead of my heart and my body.