The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 104

Shawn's forlorn expression broke my heart. Throwing my arms around his neck, I held him tightly. "Please don't be sad or mad or disappointed or whatever you're feeling right now."

"Did you get involved with me to recreate what we had in your dream?"

"No!"

He felt stiff and tense in my embrace. "I told you I felt a connection to you, and I thought it was because I'd saved your life and we were destined to be together. Now I'm questioning everything! What if I was just picking up on signals you were sending me? It's so fucked up to think that I didn't know you at all, but you knew me intimately."

"I didn't know you! It wasn't real, and in the big scheme of things, the dream doesn't matter! All that matters is that we love each other," I asserted.

He extricated himself from my grasp and stood up. "Do you? Do you actually love me, or has our whole relationship just been a continuation of how you felt in the dream?"

And there it was, the question that had filled me with dread since Saturday night. "I love you more than anything. It hurts me that you doubt that."

"How do you know that you didn't just carry your existing feelings into reality?"

"Because I was fully aware, once I accepted the coma and the dream, that it wasn't real. I didn't like how I felt and I fought it. Jesus, Shawn, it's not like I pursued you so that I could make my dream come true! If anything, I held back and waited for you to make all the big moves!"

He started pacing around the room, which brought back the feeling of déjà vu that haunted me for months. "I'm going to be honest, Lucy. I had issues with my last relationship at first because I was terrified that Camila didn't love me as much as I loved her. For this to come out now, right when we've been getting more serious, has me spiraling. I can feel a fucking panic attack coming on and I don't know how to stop it."

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I just don't know what to think right-" He stopped walking in the loop around my living area and turned to face me. "Fuck! It just hit me. I was the ex-boyfriend you told me about, wasn't I?"

Gulping back tears, I nodded. "I didn't mean to lie to you, but at that point there was no way to explain the coffee set without telling you about the dream, and I wasn't ready to do it then. I hate that I was dishonest and I'm so sorry for that."

He stared at me for an uncomfortably long time. "You're not the person I thought you were."

I began crying uncontrollably. "Don't say that! You know me inside and out!"

"You purposefully kept something significant from me, you lied about an ex-boyfriend who never really existed, and you lied to your friends to cover up what you were hiding from me!"

"I did all those things, but I never wanted to hurt you! You have to believe that!"

"How the hell can I believe anything you've ever said when it's obvious you have no fucking problem lying to the people who love you the most!" he shouted.

He was right, which made me feel even worse. "I promise you that I mean it when I say I'm sorry."

Turning around, he walked to the window and looked out at the falling snow. "I don't know where we go from here."

My whole body was heaving with sobs as I sat alone on the couch. I wanted to ask him if he was breaking up with me, but I already knew the answer. We stayed like that- him staring out at the street as I cried- for what felt like an eternity. When he pivoted towards me again, I saw that he was crying, too.