The One After [SHAWN MENDES]

Chapter 117

We entered the stairway and Shawn took off his cardigan before laying it on the top step. "I don't want you to get that pretty dress dirty."

This simple gesture caused butterflies to swarm my tummy. "Thank you," I said as we both sat down.

"You look beautiful tonight, Lucy."

These were the exact words he'd spoken to me the last time we were alone, but instead of making me swoon, I felt uneasy. "I'm surprised to hear you say that."

He seemed disturbed by my response. "Why?"

"The way you looked at me in the dining room...it felt like you were judging."

He anxiously rubbed the back of his neck prior to responding. "I don't know how to say this without it sounding critical, but you're really thin. You are just as gorgeous as always, but it was a shock when I first saw you. I apologize if that came across as negative."

"I've, um, been going through some stuff and it's impacted my appetite. I'm not starving myself on purpose," I told him honestly.

"I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault. I've been kinda hyper-focused on how I'm to blame for what went wrong between us, but I am slowly getting past that with therapy. I made mistakes, but that's okay. Beating myself up over them doesn't accomplish anything, so I need to move on and learn from the experience."

"I'm proud of you," he said. "I've been on a similar journey. One of the things I've learned is that when a good thing ends, we tend to think only about how it hurts that it's over instead of remembering that it was a wonderful time, even if it wasn't permanent. For awhile there, I wanted to erase everything I did wrong and have a do over, which obviously isn't possible. Now, I'm glad we were together and I'm trying to reflect on that period on my life positively."

It hurt to hear him speak about our relationship as if it were dead and buried, but how else was he supposed to feel? I'd made it plain the we were over and he accepted that fact. My sadness stemmed from how I felt when we were together. When he was near me, there was still a spark, like a tiny ember that continues to burn after you've dumped water on your campfire. It might be small, but it has potential to grow, and as hard as I fought it, I wanted that glimmer of flame to ignite.

"That's amazing," I told him, because despite my feelings, I respected his openness.

He laughed. "Yeah, well it didn't stop me from behaving like a fucking caveman and showing up at the party because some other guy was hitting on you. I'm still working on all this and I have lots of dark moments."

"Same."

"This also isn't my first bad breakup, so I have the benefit of learning from the first one."

"It's is all new to me," I told him. "I think what's been hardest to cope with was that things were going so well and then BAM! we were over."

"We were good together," he said before coughing nervously. "Maybe we should change the subject. I'm starting to have the same feeling I had in my condo on Christmas."

I was, too, and it was both terrifying and exhilarating. Last time it had been too soon after our breakup, but now several months had passed and we weren't as raw. He was right that we should move on to a new topic, but I needed to know something. "You asked me if I was dating, and I'm curious about you. Have you been seeing anyone?"

"Nope. Not since Hawaii."

"You've been celibate?!"

He chuckled. "Is it that astonishing?"

"You didn't make it two weeks after we last...you know...so I figured you were getting it but being discreet."

"I didn't hook up in Hawaii because of need. I did it because I was so goddamned sad and I thought it would be nice to feel something pleasant for awhile."