Dear Reader,
I'm thinking if I should start with "I can't sleep" but I think it's not gonna make sense to you and why should I tell you that, right? But, really, I can't fucking sleep. My mind is both flying away in the vacuum that is space and twisting with all the random stuff that comes up. I need to sleep but I can't. But, wait. Maybe you're wondering why I'm talking about all this, right? I'm wondering, too.
Maybe because it's 3 AM and I'm wide awake and I turned off my Facebook chat since there is literally no one who would be interested in chatting with me. Maybe because I thought of you, fairly in all randomness, and that I should talk about all the things that comes to mind. Maybe because I need time to pass by quickly. Maybe because I'm sad.
That's it. I'm sad.
I don't know what or why or when or how, but I'm sad. I can't sleep and I'm sad. I'm thinking of many things that make me sad. I'm thinking of many things that stop me from sleeping. I'm thinking of the time when I was happy and I'm thinking of the time when I was sound asleep. I'm thinking of all the memories that I can't touch and I'm thinking of her.
I'm thinking of her.
Why am I thinking of her?
Why am I still thinking of her?
It makes me sad. She makes me sad.
I gave her up. I gave up that fight a long time ago but I'm still thinking of her, staring at the what-ifs displayed in front of me like sunshine; the eternal sunshine that melts me every single day of unsleepiness. I still see her everyday. She smiles. I smile. I smile like that smile washes away all the hurt that her smile causes me. Why, I ask. Why am I still fucking smiling? I gave her up and I'm devastated. Why, I ask. Why did I give up?
Yes, yes. She was too far back then. Even now, really. She is soaring high like an eagle with a valid dream. Her dreams outshadow what desire I have for her. She is too far. She flies. She flies like a dreamer. I tried to catch up. Believe me I tried. I ran. She flew and I ran, my head watching her in the skies. But I stopped. I stopped running. I stopped catching up. She didn't even notice me. She is too fixated on her dreams up, up there. I was below, running, trying to catch up but she didn't see me. So I stopped running. I watched her fly as high as the eyes can see. Then I lost her.
I lost that beautiful eagle with a valid dream.
Now I can't sleep.
Now I'm sad.
I've been thinking, too. Why didn't I fly? It would be easy, right?
You see, I can't. Her dreams gave her wings. Those were really big dreams. Big, big dreams. I didn't dream big enough.
Yes, I'm a loser. I can't sleep and I'm sad and I'm a fucking loser. It's 3 AM and I can't sleep and I'm sad and I'm a fucking loser.
So I let her fly, goddamnit.
Let me sleep.
Let her fly.
Let me weep.
Please, let me. I just want to sleep.
And I just want to be fucking happy again.