When I got back home I ended up telling Austin the whole story when he asked how things went. He hugged me, which made me kind of uncomfortable. I always hated hugs unless I was crying, well except when they came from Alex. He was allowed to hug me whenever he wanted.
Anyway, Austin told me not to think much about what happened in the car. He said that chances were that that was a one time deal. I hoped he was right, though he was slightly concerned about the ice cream in my hair thing. He’s afraid his fans are becoming a serious threat to me. I don’t think it’s THAT big of a deal, but what do I know?
Austin told me he wanted my opinion on the next cover he was doing. Neither one of us knew the name of the song. It’s one of those you hear on the radio all the time and know every word to, but never know the name of. He told me his guitar teacher had taught him how to play it using two chords he’d never learned until the other day. At first he just played the guitar part, and then the second time through, he sang. Being that it was my favorite song I actually had a hard time not singing along.
He smiled at me when he finished playing. “What do you think? Did it sound good?” I thought about it and pointed out how the third verse seemed like it was missing something. “That‘s what I thought,” he said. “In the original song there‘s a girl singing with him. It sounds weird without it. My mom thought the same. Now I just need a girl that‘s be willing to sing that part for me.”
He did a double take and looked at me with a huge grin on his face. “No!” I exclaimed.
“Come on Olivia! You can‘t sound that bad. I know you can do it. I just need the extra layer with a higher voice. You won‘t even have to be on camera when I film it. I promise!”
I shook my head. There was no way I’d ever let him hear me sing. Kylie was the only one that had ever heard my singing voice. Even Dillon missed out on that adventure. I just didn’t think I sounded good enough.
“Please! Just sing along with me once so I can hear what it would sound like. I can even shut the door and make my mom go to the basement so they can‘t hear you. Just you and me.”
I shook my head again. There was no way. If I put my voice on a soundtrack with Austin, both his and Alex’s fans would hate me seventy times more. Austin pushed the door to the room shut and we heard the front door slam. “My mom just left. We‘re the only ones in the house. Please.”
I made a face. I was giving in, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. He strummed his guitar. “Come on. It‘s not like you‘ll be singing alone.”
I sighed and I guess he took that as an answer, because he started playing the song. I was nice and I sang along, but really quietly. At the end he looked at me. “That was good, but would you mind singing a little louder? It won‘t count until I can hear you.” I glared as he started the song again and I sang along louder.
Austin put down his guitar when we finished the second time. “That was awesome. Especially the third verse. I‘m going to see what Scott thinks about putting you on the song tomorrow.”
“No!”
He smiled and laughed at me. “Don‘t worry. I‘ll be the only one there when you record. Even if he has me do this one at the studio. I‘ll play my part through the headphones and you‘ll just have to sing along.”
“No! All of those girls will just hate me even more. Have you even considered the fact that all of them hating me could be ruining your career? I don‘t care if I‘m ruining my chances, but I want to fix yours and that‘s probably not the right way to do it.”
Austin sighed and the smile finally faded off his face. “You‘re not ruining anyone‘s career. Not mine, or yours, or even Alex’s. Who cares if those girls are a little bit jealous and some of them hate you? It doesn‘t matter. Truth is a lot of them are coming back to where they were before all of this, begging for more posts on Twitter and trying to get us to do more Ustreams. The only thing they won‘t do is apologize. Things are going to blow over soon enough; especially with all of the protest we‘re getting.”
I sighed. “I‘m not going to sing. I‘m not good and I‘ll ruin everything.”
Austin pulled his phone out and pulled up some voice recording app. “We‘ll sing one more time, but this time you‘re going to hold this up to your face so we can play it back and prove you can sing.”
I threw my head back and took the phone from his hand. “Then what? Are you going to send it to people too?”
Austin smiled and played the intro of the song on his guitar. I hit record and we both started singing the song one last time. I hated the fact that I was doing it, but I still trusted that he knew what he was doing. He hasn’t turned me in the wrong direction yet, has he?
He took his phone back from my hands and hit play. I’d heard what my voice sounded like before, and this time, I cringed. “It‘s terrible! Turn it off!”
“Let me see your phone.” I handed it to him. “We‘re going to see what Alex thinks about it.”
“Why?” I asked him. “He‘s obligated to tell me I sound good. He‘s not exactly allowed to put me down… ethically at least.”
“Fine. Then I‘ll call my friend Tyler.”
There was no stopping him from dialing the number and playing my voice for Tyler. He never told Tyler who it was, he just asked if Tyler thought she was any good. “I don‘t know,” Tyler told him. “Her voice is a little shaky. Who is she?”
Austin grinned. “She won‘t let me tell you. What if she sang for you live over the phone. No shaking voice?”
I shook my head. No. There was no way I was ever going to sing live for someone I didn‘t know. “She‘s with you?” Tyler asked him. “I guess that‘ll make up my mind. Are you thinking about using her for a video?”
Austin smiled at the phone. “Yep. Hold on she‘s trying to tell me something. I‘ll make her write it so you can‘t guess who she is.”
I picked up the sharpie and paper on his desk. “NO!”
“Aww she‘s resisting Tyler. She‘s so shy!” He handed me the phone and picked up his guitar. “I‘m going to start and she‘s going to sing along or I‘ll post the recording on my Twitter.”
He played his guitar yet again. And repeated the intro. “I‘m not kidding I‘ll do it. I‘m not afraid to post.”
With that he started singing and I had no choice but to sing along. My voice started shaking even more and Austin stopped. “Are you seriously that nervous to sing for a guy over the phone? It‘s not like Tyler‘s recording the conversation. Come on. Calm down.”
I shook my head. It was seventy times worse than having people read my writing out loud, and I hated that. My voice was terrible. Tyler talked on the other side. “Look, I don‘t know who you are. I have a guess, but it doesn‘t matter who you are. Your voice isn‘t THAT bad, and I‘ve only heard it when it was shaking. Seriously. Take a deep breath and try again. I want to hear what you really sound like. Don‘t be afraid to sing. I do, and I don‘t sound like a music god.”
Austin laughed. “He really doesn‘t sound like a music god. Be proud of your voice. Now take a deep breath and we‘ll try this one last time.”
I took a huge breath and stared at Austin. Why did he think I could do this? It seemed like he believed that I could do anything. That was encouraging. No one ever believed in me so much. He seemed to think I didn’t have any flaws; that I was perfect.
He smiled at me reassuringly and started the song one last time, and this time when I sang my voice didn’t shake, because he believed in me. Wow. I’m cheesy, I know. I should have more confidence and be more thankful for what I do have, because to be honest the only things I was missing were a New York Times Bestseller and a decent father. I had a lot to make up for it though and I realized this when Austin finished out the guitar.
Austin set down his guitar and took the phone back from my hands. “So Tyler, what‘d you think?”
“I think she should sing with you for the video.”
Austin smiled. “I think Olivia should, too.”
“I knew it was Olivia! Otherwise I was going to be worried you picked up a girlfriend without telling me!”
Both of them laughed and I stared anxiously at my phone in Austin’s hand. A sudden wave of homesickness crashed over me and I wanted to call Dillon, Jake, and Kylie. I wanted to call Alex and tell him how lucky I was to have him, but they continued talking.
“Yeah,” Austin told Tyler. “We all know who Olivia‘s with.”
Tyler laughed again. “I know. Alex was ranting about all the fans the other day when I was over there. Does Olivia know how bad everything is online? It started dying down this morning, but it‘s picking up all of the sudden again.”
I groaned. “Those girls probably started saying stuff.”
Austin shot me a weak smile. “Well two girls just dumped ice cream on Liv‘s head at the diner. I can see where that would stir up some drama. I‘m going to give Liv her phone back and call you on mine. She probably wants to take a shower and get that out.”
Tyler was quiet for a second. “Alright. Talk to you in a sec. Bye, Olivia.”
I should have replied, but I didn’t. I should have been thankful that he thought to say goodbye, but I wasn’t. I took my phone and went back to my room. It sucked that those girls had to stir up drama just because I was trying to live my life.
I washed the ice cream out of my hair and jumped out of the shower; barely washing the rest of my body. My hair soaked my t-shirt as I sat on my bed and flipped through my contacts. I really needed to talk to Jake and Alex. Jake because he was my brother and he could cheer me up, and Alex because he could understand why I was down in the first place. I didn’t call either of them though. I opened my laptop and logged into my email. Not only did I want to rant to them about my feelings, I also wanted to tell each of them how much they meant to me.
I told Jake how much I missed him and how much easier things would be if he were there. I told him I loved having a boyfriend, but I said it wasn’t the same as getting a hug from my big brother. No one here loved me the way Jake did. I thanked him for being himself and loving me. I felt ridiculous, but I sent it anyway.
After that I sent one to what seemed like everyone. Dillon got one that told him how stupid I was for thinking that his secret would change things between us. I said I’d love him no matter who he loved. I thanked him for always listening when I needed someone to talk to even when he had so many more things he wanted to say. I thanked him for always keeping me calm when I was about to panic. I told him I still loved him. I felt thirty times more homesick as I hit send.
Kylie’s email was the easiest to write. It’s not hard to tell Kylie why I’m thankful for her. She believed in my writing before everyone else. I sent her all of the details about Alex and I, too, because I really needed some girl talk after almost two weeks in San Antonio with all guys.
I told Alex how glad I was that he was there for me even though it caused me so much drama. I thanked him for being my first kiss and not pushing for anything I wasn’t ready to do. I knew that to him our relationship was probably moving ridiculously slow. I thanked him for not getting frustrated with my indecision in everything. His list lasted forever. I sent it with no regrets.
I thanked Austin for supporting me and giving me the chances I’d received. I even thought about emailing Scott, but I thought that’d be weird. I sat in front of my computer waiting for someone to respond. They all got their emails on their phones. I didn’t want to go online because I was afraid of what I’d see. Alex sent me a heart and called my phone.
“Olivia,” he said. I could hear a smile in his voice, but I could also hear the concern. “That email was so sweet. You‘re welcome for that. I love you.”
For a second I knew my eyes were the size of baseballs. He said he loved me, and hours before he was trying to break up with me. I swallowed. Was I ready to say I loved him too? I thought I loved him, but I was fourteen. How could I know? “I just felt so stupid for never thanking you or anyone else for being there. I‘ve been so ungrateful lately. I kind of want to apologize.”
Alex laughed quietly. “Don‘t.” We were both silent for awhile and it started getting awkward. “What made you feel so ungrateful all of the sudden? Are you okay?”
“Austin made me sing, but I couldn’t and then him and Tyler were being all nice so I‘d sing without my voice shaking, and I just felt like I was lucky to have people who would tell me things like that. I have a lot in my life that I‘m thankful for and I never thank anyone, so now I did.”
“You never answered my second question. Are you okay?”
I sighed. “I‘m homesick, Alex. Really bad. I mean I love being here with you guys and having the opportunities you‘ve given me, but I miss Jake and Dillon.”
Alex got all defensive. “Who are they?”
I laughed. “My brother and my best friend. Don‘t worry. Dillon isn‘t into me. Promise.”
Alex made a smirking sound. “I wish I could hug you to make sure you‘d never think about leaving me.”
I giggled. “You‘re so cheesy. I‘m not going to leave you.”
“I know, but you‘re homesick. You need a hug and I can‘t give you one! I miss you.”
“I know. I wish you could come over tomorrow. I hate that you have to go to your dad‘s.”
Alex sighed. “Speaking of my dad… He just showed up to get me. I‘ll text you.”
“Bye Alex.”
He sighed again and I could barely make out his last phrase since he said it so softly, but I think he said he loved me. It’s too bad I don’t think I even know what love is.