Give me your loneliness and I'll give you mine
Leave all your tears by your bedside, and let's live a night
I know you feel a mess and your pillow won't dry (Dry)
You come lay on me instead for a night
- Pillows, Eaj & Keshi
Lucas didn't know what to feel.
He didn't want to accept that he was no stranger to this feeling—anger, realization and disappointment. The bed creaked and he closed his eyes, sighing to himself when he felt hands wrap around his waist from behind. He tried his hardest to not lash out on her, to hold it in.
He hated how he knew what he was signing up for and he hated that whatever Midnight said was right—they were friends; nothing more, nothing less. He wondered if he latched on to her because she was comfortable or because it was because he began to have feelings.
The female behind him pressed her face against his back and Lucas swallowed, his body stiffening momentarily when he turned to see her smiling at him. Flashes of memories of Midnight's voice made Lucas frown when he looked at her and forced a smile.
"Whatcha thinking about?" she asked, the furry tilting her head at him.
He had to stop calling her 'The Furry' in his head, Lucas thought, resorting to her real name.
"Nothing," he lied, placing his arms behind his head to provide himself leverage, his mind running places. He had a habit of falling down a rabbit hole, thinking of the same things over and over again when he noticed the bruises on her the female's skin.
He absentmindedly reached out, smoothing a finger over the dark and red purple marks on her neck, Heeyoung following his gaze.
"You bruised me," she stated and he chewed on his bottom lip. He found himself thinking that he liked the marks on Midnight better than her. He liked that he could paint her skin like the sunset and how she would frown when he pointed it out to her. He liked how he could run his fingers on the arch of her neck and despite just having him deep inside her, her body responded to his touch like no other.
"I'm sorry," Lucas replied and he wondered if he was saying sorry to her or if he was saying sorry to himself. He should have been more careful with his feelings; he had been so careful for so long and yet here he was, trying to handle another set of emotions he vowed to never drown in ever again.
Lucas glanced at the clock to see that it was 3 am, the time of the night he would be under the covers with her, thinking to himself that he wouldn't want 7 am to come. He had been lying to himself all along, thinking that love was something he could avoid if he protected himself but yet it slapped him hard on the face.
With that though, he sighed, turning to look at Heeyoung.
"You have to leave," he told her softly and he watched as her eyes change. From confusion, to annoyance then to hurt. He wished he could capture how hurt she looked because then he would keep replaying it in his head and remind himself that maybe that was how he looked like when he confronted Midnight.
It had been two weeks; two agonizing weeks of not talking to her and avoiding each other like a plague. Two weeks of having different women in his bed and watching her have different men in hers.
Two weeks of Lucas with his head full of static, the male trying to revert back to the man he was before after tasting what it was like to get warmth from someone.
"You have to leave," he repeated and she stared at him silently, Lucas getting up. He wouldn't want to see her put on her clothes. He'd keep his back faced towards her, wait for the door to close, and go back to bed.
He headed to the kitchen for a glass of water, his eyes going to the closed door of Midnight's bedroom. Very briefly did he see her face that morning, her lips dry and her eyes tired from the upcoming final exam. He remembered thinking if he should talk to her but Lucas knew there was no point.
He'd have to do what he always did, deal with it and run away.
He stopped in the middle of the living room, hearing the sound of her bed creaking, a searing flash of jealousy running through him when he shook his head to himself. He walked back to his bedroom to see Heeyoung gather her clothes, Lucas stopping by the door way.
"Just stay," he finally said, the female looking up at him with confusion. "It's alright."
She must have wondered why he suddenly changed his mind, Lucas kicking the door shut with his foot and going to the bed and she soon climbed in after him. And even if she wasn't the one he was used to, Lucas turned to his side to hug her, his arms wrapping around his companion for the night so he could feel her warmth.
As he tried to fall asleep, he found himself telling himself that it was okay.
That this would have to do.
Even if it was only for one night.
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"That was amazing," the man beside me said, breathing heavily. I glanced at the surfer dude, unable to mask my annoyance. But maybe this was good—maybe being annoyed would help me handle all the other feelings I was trying to hide.
"Sure," I whispered, turning away from him. Two weeks since I had spoken to Lucas and Jeonghan. The day after Jeonghan came over, I met him again and I told him that I was going to take a step back.
"You're doing it again," Jeonghan told me. "Pushing me away when we could be together."
Little did he know that it wasn't because I was afraid of my emotions for Jeonghan, it was because I was confused and I was a coward. In my very own way, I was a coward.
I went back home that day with one goal in mind, and that was to talk to Lucas. Maybe to tell him that I turned Jeonghan down. I didn't know why it mattered that he had to know but I knew I wanted to tell him about it.
Hopefully, he'd be proud of me.
Except for that day, I came home to hear a girl in his room and instead of feeling the same nonchalance I usually did, my stomach jumped and I found myself locked in my room and dialing the first guy on my phone.
And that was how it continued; a different girl every day for him, a different guy every other day for me.
A silent competition.
Almost a competition of pride as to who would break first.
Today was a little different. Today, I felt a little tired of fighting.
A little tired of trying to prove my point. Very tired of pretending. I needed a glass of water and as I stood up and wrapped a robe around my body, I moved to the door to open it just to hear Lucas' voice float by.
"Just stay," he said. "It's alright."
Whatever tiredness I felt dissipated and I closed the door softly, turning back to the surfer dude who had that cocky arrogant grin on his face and my hands balled up into tight fists. I closed my eyes, the knot in my stomach settling into an overpowering need to make sure I got what I wanted tonight.
"You," I hissed at him, the surfer dude raising an eyebrow at my tone. "suck in bed."
I snapped at him, my hand going to undo the robe before letting it fall back onto the ground. I stepped towards him, and a flash of fear ran through his features. I don't know what I said to him that night and I don't know what came over me but I remember thinking to myself when he was taking me for the second time that—
This would have to do.
Even if it was only for one night.
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It was funny because I woke up first, walking out to see the familiar face of the furry (Her name was Heeyoung and I tried to remember it so I would refrain from calling her 'The Furry' when I addressed her.) in the kitchen. I gave her a kind smile, thinking to myself that I couldn't hate this girl. She knew nothing about what was going on.
I offered to make coffee for her to which, she thanked me for.
With that, the door of Lucas' room opened and he came out with his suit, his car keys in his hand. For a moment, our eyes met and I raised an eyebrow, greeting him.
"Hey, Lucas."
He raised an eyebrow back.
"Hey," he said when the door of my bedroom opened and the surfer dude stepped out, ruffling his hair. They were friends, that much I knew since the start, and Lucas passed him a boyish smile. "Joon!"
"Ah, Lucas!" his friend smiled, going out to pound on his shoulder. "What a coincidence."
Lucas gave him a silent smile, grabbing a mug to fill it up with coffee before leaning against the kitchen counter.
"So... how was it?" he asked almost conversationally, his eyes on me. His voice was snarky and I gripped the mug in my hand. "Did you reach your..."
He paused to think of a word.
"Crest?" he asked and Heeyoung, Little-Miss-Furry, looked confused for a moment when she snapped her fingers.
"Oh, crest! The highest point of a wave!" she nodded, "Oh, Lucas. You are so smart. It's because you surf, don't you? Where do you surf? We live in Seoul!"
"How'd you know he surfs?" Lucas asked her and she shrugged, telling him that they matched each other a few weeks ago and got it on. I blinked, thinking to myself that I was standing in the middle of a Tinder-one-night-stand community.
"Tell him what we did last night," the surfer dude urged me and I flushed bright red, trying to avoid the conversation. Lucas seemed to catch on, thinking that we did something weird when I cleared my throat.
"Doesn't matter what we did, it was amazing," I concluded and Lucas cocked up an eyebrow.
"Really? Amazing?" he asked, almost challenging me with his expression.
"Yes," I replied, placing the mug down. "Amazing. Also, Lucas. You know we're out of cat food?"
Ah, low blow, low blow... but he shouldn't have started it.
Didn't take long for Lucas to process my words, Lucas scowling at me.
"Should just Grabtaxi it, you like the convenience, don't you?"
"Mhm. Good idea," I drawled before adding, "Meow." for a finishing touch.
I smirked when I saw his hand tighten around the handle of the mug, both the surfer and the furry blinking rapidly. It wasn't hard to know there was tension, Lucas clearing his throat and telling Heeyoung and he'd send her off.
"Oh, you mind sending us off, too?" Joon asked and I frowned at his words. "What? You and I go to YG university. It's on the way to your work place, isn't it, Lucas?"
Lucas didn't seem pleased at the idea but he nodded either way and before we knew it, Joon was beside me, his arms around my shoulders casually while Lucas and held Heeyoung's bag in his hand because 'he was a gentleman'.
As we reached his car, I announced that I would take shotgun, Lucas snapping back at me.
"Why would you take shot gun?"
"Why wouldn't I? You live in my apartment?"
"I pay rent!" he told me and I rolled my eyes.
"Do you, Lucas?"
"What kind of question is that? Of course, I do!"
For some reason, this felt good. This felt like I was communicating with him, like we had something to say even if we were just fighting over something small. I kicked his wheel and he slammed his hand over the hood of his car when the back door opened and I saw the surfer and the furry climb in to avoid listening to us fight.
Lucas and I glared at each other, the male finally looking away to enter the car as I followed. I was fuming and I plopped myself into the front seat, closing the door behind me.
"Seatbelt." Lucas' voice came out as strained. "Put on your seatbelt."
"Why? It's not that far," I answered. I know I was acting like a brat, Lucas muttering something under his breath. "Just drive, Lucas."
"Suit yourself."
And with that, he slammed his legs down on the accelerator, driving the car out onto the street as I squealed. The surfer and the furry looked stricken at how Lucas was driving, my housemate finally slowing down once we reached the main road.
"Put on your seatbelt," he snapped and I mimicked his voice.
"Put on your seatbelt—"
"I swear to god, Midnight—" his voice was cut out when another car cut through the traffic and Lucas had to slam his foot against the brakes to avoid us from crashing to another car. One of his hand gripped the steering wheel and another shot out to hold me back so I wouldn't surge forward.
Once the car was gone; Lucas stilled, slamming his hand down on the horn, the sound echoing out onto the streets.
"Fucking careless drivers," he hissed before he whipped his head towards me. "Put on your fucking seat belt!"
"Calm down, bro..." Joon was saying in the background. Lucas must have noticed that his hand hovered across my chest, Lucas bringing it back towards him when he shook his head with annoyance.
I didn't need to be told twice, my hands going to put the seatbelt on quietly before I looked away.
"We're in a war zone," the two people in the back could be heard saying to each other, Lucas' blank stare sending chills down my back.
But even if we were mad and fighting, I felt my heart swell.
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"That is a recipe of heartbreak," Gucci was saying to me. "Look, I didn't want to say it but why would you sleep with someone, knowing you live together? It's bound to happen..."
Ugh, Gucci getting into a healthy relationship was going to piss me off one day.
I knew she deserved it and I knew how good Hendery was to her but she was beginning to get on my nerves.
"I mean, look at Hendery and—"
"What about me?" A whisper rang out and I frowned, dragging my eyes down towards the source to see her boyfriend flashing me a smile from under the seats. "Yo, you good?"
"Hendery, what in the world are you doing here?" I whispered back, Hendery giving me a shrug before he craned his neck around to check. We were somewhat at the back so our conversations could go unnoticed but this was Hendery we were talking about.
"Professor says I'm not allowed in class because I'm a distraction." Hendery winked at me and I tilted my head at him.
"It was either I go to SM or he comes here. He's graduating, anyway. Paid off his subjects." She gave me an apologetic look. "I had no choice."
"You're bringing him around like he's a dog." I pointed out at her and she raised an eyebrow at me, obviously not happy at my comparison. "Are you feeding him under the table?"
Gucci's hand froze halfway of giving Hendery a fry and Hendery broke into another wide smile before he guided it into his mouth. He chewed and I brought my face towards the front, sifting through the papers on the desk. He should be happy criminology wasn't a well sought department, we had very little students in this class.
"What happened?" he asked and I grumbled, not looking at him. I began to write down notes.
"Your friend is a jerk."
"Huh, funny how the story I heard was different," Hendery mused and I lifted an eyebrow before looking towards him. He told Hendery about what was going on? I tried not to look too curious. "He told me about your capitalism problem. Did you really call him Foodpanda?"
"He was convenient." I chewed on my bottom lip. "It's so awkward, what do I do?"
"Funny how you actually care about how awkward it is. Normally, you wouldn't," Gucci pointed out. "Did you mean it, though? That he's just a friend and nothing else?"
"I don't see why it's a problem," Hendery started, crossing his legs under the table. Gucci placed a hand on his head so he could avoid hitting the solid surface. "He can always move. I mean, he was supposed to move back a little over a month, anyway."
I frowned.
"What?"
"Your place was supposed to be just a temporary place to stay while they move him to a different branch. Your place is rather far, you know. I think they finalized his position and the branch is closer to the N-CITY district than YG. I told him to move out so it's easier but he said that he didn't mind driving."
I didn't say anything, my mind whirring.
"But really? You know the N-CITY traffic," Hendery sighed. "It made no sense. I understand if he doesn't want to stay near Kun but then he can always get another apartment. There was one that I picked out for him...."
And his voice droned on and on and my gaze dropped onto the table when I remembered that one night he had come home late.
Flashback
"You're here," I had greeted, my eyes going to the clock to see that it was eleven pm. "Late... Again."
"Traffic," Lucas told me, loosening his tie and going on the couch. He looked like he was deep in thought when he smiled at me. "How was your day?"
"Good," I replied, chewing on the health bar. He sat a foot away, legs planted on the floor and I wondered why he was acting so awkward. "What are you doing there? Come here."
Almost like he was waiting for me to say that, he had come closer, automatically wrapping his arms around my body when I placed a kiss on his cheek. His brown eyes seemed like he was contemplating something. I offered him the health bar but he shook his head.
I knew something was wrong but I didn't want to ask. I, unlike Lucas, always waited for him to tell me about himself first. Lucas had a knack of asking questions and I liked it when he did because I didn't feel like I was oversharing.
Probably work, I thought to myself.
He had shifted and now, I was the big spoon, cradling him on my lap as he stared at the TV.
Maybe he needed comfort. Maybe he needed to be in my arms.
And as I patted his back softly, hoping that whatever he had gone through the whole day melted with my touch, he spoke softly.
"Reckless," he began, a hand going up to my hand to intertwine his fingers with mine.
"Mhm?"
"I'm being reckless." He breathed. "Again."
I had no idea what he was talking about.
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The problem with being stubborn was that I almost refused to admit that this time may be different. That if he was gone, I would still survive. That's what strength was, surviving on your own. It didn't make it easier, however, and when I arrived home, I saw that Lucas' shoes were already up front.
He was in his room and I heard rustling. I wondered what he was doing home so early and I sighed, giving one last look towards his room before heading into my bedroom.
But like clockwork, my found myself waking up at midnight, my body feeling the mattress beside me when I realized that he wasn't actually there. I rubbed my eyes, standing up to go to the kitchen.
And as I opened the door, I understood why he had come home so early.
His room was empty, an envelope of money on the coffee table. His shoes were gone and he didn't leave a single trace of him. His coffee cup was gone, the sheets that he had borrowed from me were hung up in the balcony, washed and dried.
I think I froze in the middle of the living room for a good twenty seconds, struggling to come into terms with what had happened.
A hand went up to my hair and I tugged onto the strands, a heavy feeling settling in my stomach.
Funny, I thought to myself, how my heart hurts.
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Lucas did what he did best—run away and not look back.
He'd pretend it ever happened; he'd tell himself that he didn't need her.
If he was lucky, it'd go away on its own but this time Lucas didn't feel lucky at all.
He sat down in the empty room of Johnny's house, brooding in his thoughts when the door creaked open and he saw his friend raise an eyebrow at him. Xiaojun, unlike the rest of the people in his friend group, was always naturally sensitive. Hendery always thought that Lucas would get over it with constant love, constant laughter—Xiaojun, however, believed that sometimes it was good to feel it.
"Hey," Xiaojun greeted. Lucas studied his friend. "How're you feeling?"
"Good."
"Liar," Xiaojun replied, sitting on the edge of the bed. "Want mint chocolate ice cream?"
"You know I hate it," Lucas replied, Xiaojun chuckling. It was good with Xiaojun, comfortable silence as they would simply give momentary sighs.
"Want to talk about it?"
Lucas wanted to talk about it. There was nothing Lucas wanted more than to talk about it. He wanted to pour out everything and tell people that he didn't understand why he was this way. Was he not careful enough? How hard was it? How hard was it to make sure he would never feel this way again?
"I'll try to understand," Xiaojun offered. That was enough for Lucas to tell Xiaojun about what happened, Xiaojun listening to him.
And as Lucas rambled on, feeling the fire in his chest rise with anger and annoyance, he continued to speak like a train barreling down a train track when he blurted the one thing he didn't think he would ever say.
"I think I'm in love with her and I'm terrified," he gasped for breath, Xiaojun's eyes widening at his friends' words. Like that, they stared at each other, Lucas running a hand through his hair. "How—How did it happen?"
"Because you let it," Xiaojun answered and Lucas closed his eyes, letting his friend's words seep in. "It happened because you allowed it to happen."
Silence.
"And maybe you allowed it to happen because you wanted it to happen."
"It was happiness for a moment," Lucas murmured under his breath. "Just a moment."
"Just a moment," Xiaojun repeated after Lucas, seemingly more to himself that to his friend. "That's the thing with unlabeled relationships. You don't know where it starts or where it ends. That is what's so painful about it."
Johnny's house was beginning to shake and Lucas knew what that was. The party was starting soon and he groaned. He didn't want to drink right now. He didn't want to see any one and Xiaojun chuckled, patting his arm.
"I'll leave you alone," he told Lucas, the male giving him a grateful smile.
And while everyone partied that night, Lucas found himself clutching the blanket for the warmth that he so terribly missed. He felt like he was in the middle of nowhere but he told himself that he'd be fine.
Once again, he had to remind himself that he was strong and he'd been through hell and back.
This was nothing.
Just a passing phase.
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I came to Johnny's party thinking that Lucas might be there. I hated to admit it but as my eyes skated the room, every corner and behind every counter, I expected Lucas to be there. Maybe like the first time I met him, holding a beer in his hand by the doorway doing the exact same thing I was doing.
To find someone for the night.
This time, if I ever saw him, he'd stick out from the crowd. He wouldn't be just a person I allowed to take me home. As time passed, I found myself standing there with an untouched drink in hand, waiting—just waiting for him to show up but he didn't.
10 pm.
Where was he? Why wasn't he partying?
I gulped, seeing everyone slowly go crazy. Liquid poison, music, lights that catered to a wild night. I wasn't enjoying myself, wishing I was in bed with his arms around me.
Reckless, he had said. Was it reckless of him to start feeling something for me?
Maybe it was. I was a difficult person to love. Maybe that's why I pulled away from everyone, because I always thought I was doing them a favor. Jeonghan knew of everything, that's why it was easier to think I loved him.
But maybe what I wanted was not love, maybe it was just the simple fact that I wanted to feel accepted.
A person bumped into me and I looked up, the male's eyes running over my face before he broke into a small smile.
"Xiaojun," I managed to say, remembering his name. "You're here."
He nodded silently and I awkwardly smiled back, Xiaojun looking around when he pressed his lips together.
"He's not here," he finally said, Xiaojun patting my shoulder. "Don't think he'll be for a while until he's fine."
He didn't have to say his name for me to know who he was talking about.
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Lucas didn't expect this to happen—another two weeks had passed and an 'Intervention for Lucas Wong' had finally happened and he sat in his bedroom, a fuming Kun and a bunch of his WayV friends looking like they had better things to do.
But no one had the courage to tell that to Kun.
Other than Johnny, of course, the male grumbling about how he wasn't part of the WayV gang (Kun quickly correcting him that they weren't a gang.) and he didn't want to be there.
"You are going to end up like Johnny and Shanghai," Kun said to Lucas, Johnny throwing his hands in the air. "He didn't fight for her and now she's in Shanghai, studying and they are still on horrible terms!"
"Kun, there are people dying," Johnny said, raising an eyebrow. "Don't say it like it's a world problem."
"Please, we all know that fighting with a girl like Shanghai is more of a personal security problem." Kun huffed, Johnny standing up to leave when Kun snapped his fingers in front of the taller male to make sure he sat back down. "Lucas, you can't keep moping like this!"
"Maybe this is how he deals with it," Winwin said from the side, Xiaojun nodding. Both of them were about to go on this camping trip to which Kun had stopped them from going, their camping gear right in front of Johnny's house, waiting to be loaded into the car.
"I've been going to work. I've been doing what I have to do—"
"You've been going to work, coming back and drinking, smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. Yes, I've counted and then sleeping for a few hours and going to work again. If you keep this up, you'll end up dead. I would know, I'm going to be a doctor!" Kun turned to Ten who was on his laptop, immersed in typing something. "Right, Ten? Tell him!"
"Mhm-hmm, yeah, yeah," Ten breezed and Kun blinked.
"Let the guy do what he wants, he's not a child anymore!" Johnny exclaimed, Kun glaring at him. "And do not bring up the gang thing from back in high school—we both know why that happened."
"Are you here because you're worried about my health?" Lucas asked, heaving a sigh. Two times in his life he had an intervention, the first when he joined the gang. This was the second.
"We're worried about you. In general."
"Should have called Jeno, then."
"The guy is studying to be a psychologist, not yet a psychologist," Kun snapped. "No Jeno, just me."
"Yikes." Lucas shrugged, heaving a sigh. "I see no point in this intervention. A couple more weeks and I'll be fine. Right, Ten?"
He directed his question to Ten, knowing he'll agree because he wasn't actually listening. Ten caught the bait.
"Mhm-hmm, yeah, yeah."
Kun slapped Ten on the head, the Thai howling.
"What are you doing at an Intervention?" he demanded, Ten making a face.
"Dude, I'm talking to a girl so I don't know about you... but Lucas' problem seems irrelevant right now."
"What problems do you have?"
"She doesn't speak Korean!" Ten rubbed his head.
"Then speak English," Johnny told him, Ten shaking his finger at his friend.
"No, I'm pretending I don't speak English. It's more romantic that way." Ten winked at him, "I wrote a poem for her in English but I still have yet to translate it to Spanish so she thinks I'm really trying."
"What poem?" Yangyang asked from beside Lucas, speaking for the first time, Ten reciting it from his laptop.
"I can hear you calling, loving the way you want to talk. Touch me, tease me, feel me up—" Ten began, Lucas grabbing Yangyang by the head to cover the ears of the youngest member. "Genius, right?"
Kun gave him a look, Ten rolling his eyes.
"Whatever," Ten stood up, the laptop in front of him. "I'm hiring a translator. I got better things to do. See ya."
Yangyang shook Lucas off, hopping off the bed and just like that, one by one, they all left.
Johnny was left and he seemed like he wanted to say something, lingering by the door when Lucas urged him to.
"Just say it."
"Just a piece of advice." Johnny paused. "If you're not going to try to talk to her again..."
Johnny's voice trailed, Lucas seeing a flicker of sadness on the older male's features.
"Don't regret it, yeah?"
He had known for a while that Johnny regretted not trying to explain anything to Shanghai when the fall out happened, with every part of him. He would often see Johnny with his finger hovering over the text button of Shanghai's chat box whenever he was drunk.
One night, Johnny actually did send a message but it turned out she blocked him.
Regret, that would be a slightly new emotion for Lucas to handle if he continued this way.
Because he knew that as angry, disappointed and hurt as he was now, he didn't regret one single moment with her.
To him, that said as much.
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