I sometimes ponder,
In the dead of night,
If my actions were too rash,
That I was being Selfish.
Yet I was told to be selfish,
I was told that even I should choose the best path for me,
And yet even when I did,
It wasn't the right choice.
I battle each night wondering if my thoughts are irrational,
That the voices inside my head screamed just loud enough to drown out rational thought,
Or if it's the reverse,
And that my reasoning was valid even though they don't seem it to be.
It's been maybe a month?
Time lapses so quickly,
Yet so incredibly slow,
Where one day I thought it to be Monday when in fact it is actually Saturday.
It feels like yesterday when everything fell apart,
But how can it feel like years since it happened?
Maybe that's what you get for living in a circle,
As the days come and go with little changing.
I don't know when this strange dance with time will end,
When I remember what day it is,
Or what year,
Because it all seems to blur.
And some days,
Some days I wish it didn't revolve around you,
How I miss seeing your face,
Hearing your voice,
Being held in your arms while the world shattered around me.
Now the world shatters,
And I shatter with it,
A million little pieces,
Some harder to pick up than others,
Like glass it cuts deep into my skin,
As I try to just make myself whole again...
However many times I wish to change what I did,
I made this bed,
So the consequence must be that I lay in it.
I still don't know if I made the right choice,
And I won't ever know,
Which is probably what kills me the most...
Did I do the right thing?
Or did I stab myself in the heart without knowing?
So I'll stay up pondering,
Pondering that exact question,
Till night bleeds into morning,
And morning to night once again.
Waiting for an answer,
Any answer,
In the silence of my pondering.