Burning Love

Seven Years

Where do I begin with our tale?
The good?
The bad?
The worst of it all?
Or maybe the beginning?
I wouldn't be able to tell you anymore.

My mind a cloudy haze of memories crashing into one another unable to figure out which were the ones I actually enjoyed.

Seven years,
Seven years I was with you,
Through hell and back,
Through break up after breakup,
When people told me it wasn't okay anymore,
I defended you,
Told them you had your own demons to battle,
Loyal to a T,
I was your valkrie,
You my prized warrior to protect.

Sometimes I would fall,
Yet I would never tell you,
Never worry you,
Not wanting to tred too far past the boundaries set before me.

I would ache for you in my times of need,
Feel the physical pain of wanting to be held by you when my own demons screamed in my ear...

Yet it was never enough.

No matter how much pain I was in,
Emotional,
Physical,
Mental,
It was never your priority...

I wasn't a priority,
And I hadn't been for at least the past three.

You could break my heart over and over again,
Where it lay shattered on the ground,
And as I would pick up the pieces,
You would come back into my life and help me once again,
Pick up all the little pieces,
Not worrying about the small cuts on your hands from the jagged pieces,
Only to have them shattered again by the very person who put them all together.

But the One Time I end things,
The one time I was fed up with the pain,
And loneliness,
And the utter standstill void we had become,

All hell breaks lose.

I am the monster,
The one who put you through so much torment,
Who changed you forever,
Where people colored their vision of me red,
A horrible wreched girl only there for myself,
I didn't care about you in their eyes,
I was only using you.

Yet they weren't there,
They weren't living in my shoes,
I waa somehow a bitch for standing on my own two feet and saying enough was enough.

Three years ago we should've never gone back.

Seven months ago we should've never gone back.
When you left me in my time of moat need,
When the pain of the decision I had to make -- one we both made,
Almost killed me.

Not from the actual procedure,
But the aftermath,
You left me that day and yet I still stayed with you,
Even after you ignored me,
You avoided me,
Couldn't stand to be in the same bed as me,
Couldn't even make love to me...

Yes you were in pain,
You didn't have to live with the memories,
You sat in a room while I went through it alone...

Yet I still stayed,
For another bitter two and a half months,
I stayed,
I waited,
And when all was said and done,
You still wanted me back.

Why I don't know anymore.
You filled my head with these fantasies,
Spun my dreams into reality,
Only to tell me later on that its just not working,
That our intellects were too different,
That our paths weren't the same.

We even tried stepping out of comfort zones,
Try new lifestyles that would potentially work,
You never got on board,
Though you suggested it to begin with.
All of this...

Seven years,

Seven whole years,
The outcome always the same,
I wish I hated you...
I wish I could constantly be angry at you for all the hell you put me through,

Yet I just simply can't,
Maybe that's what they mean by emotional abuse,
You can try to explain it to people,
People who hate you will say you're a liar and that person would never do that,
Or they do believe you and will only say,
"Well we did warn you"...

I want my head to stop screaming,
I want my trust in the person I am seeing to retern,
I want the Old Me back who was sweet and kind,
Not bitter and jaded...

I want to be free of all the memories...

The good,
The bad,
And the worst...

Seven years of being with you,

And I don't have a clue of who you actually are.

Author's note:
Originally written October 4th, 2019