A single spark of doubt is enough to ignite fire of misunderstanding
Ishita didn't know how to react to the message she received on her mobile phone, it could not be some random message and it's impossible for her to ignore it especially when the layers of his betrayal and lies are still separating them, when Raman still didn't disclose the truth behind his controversial past. Ishita had taken a leap of faith with him, she just trusted him and decided to start a new life but how can she forget that a successful marriage doesn't build on the base of lies and secrets. How can she forget those sleepless nights and endless tears she cried with the mere thought of her life without Raman but whom she is supposed to tell the same?
Her marriage was never a path of roses; they hardly tried to live a peaceful life together when they're married and all the attempts they tried to make the marriage work ended up on a sore note. They actually never tried to understand the fragility of relationship between husband and wife when they're married nor tried to make it better. Ishita was one who clearly refused to make compromise years back stating a marriage cannot be bloom on the foundation of compromises and now she was so desperate to make her relationship work with Raman that she almost overlooked his deeds and somewhere gave him an impression that she forgot him. Ishita contradicted her own theories and beliefs for the man who not only rejected her in the past but humiliated her in public, taunted her for faithfulness and gave her the pain she never deserved. His past is like a boomerang, it is meant to cross their ways again and again and she is helpless to stop it.
The strong independent lady like Ishita is helpless in front of it.
She was never so vulnerable and helpless as she is now, she was never so much emotionally attached with him as she is now. She doesn't know why but she was scared to inquire about the source of the unknown message because she was scared to lose him this time.
She didn't want to lose him, she was not ready for it. The mere message brought all the nightmarish nights she spent when he was away from her for six months and after that. Ishita looked at her reflection in the mirror of the vanity table wondering if she looked the same at the beginning of night? Her room was romantically decorated with the scented candles around and she wore peach lingerie today, took hours to make herself beautiful for him, the hazel eyes which she filled with kohl a few hours back were washed along with tears which were uncontrollably flowing down from her eyes. Ishita wasn't in the state to understand anything except a thought of running away from the present situation. She fetched the fresh pair of clothes from the closet and dashed inside the washroom to change into the same. She took another shower and rubbed off his favourite scent she applied on her body a few hours back. Ishita came back from the washroom dressed in usual shots and rugged t-shirt and blew off all the candles and immediately went into Roohi's room and carried her back in her bedroom. She needed someone's comforting hug today and Roohi is her solace now. She was scared today, scared from her past which pained her a lot, maybe a sleep and a hug would help her. Ishita kissed Roohi's head lovingly and hugged her close to her heart.
"Your Mumma is scared Roohi. Please be with me." Ishita murmured to herself cocooning her little daughter in her arms. She hoped sleep could relieve her restless heart but she didn't get a wink of same and she remained laid awake on her bed taking sleeping Roohi in her arms. A corner of her heart was expecting her husband to return back at the same time he informed her earlier or a call from him to inform about his whereabouts for the night but nothing came from his side.
"Maybe I'm thinking a lot. Raman never made such promises to me in the past and he is actually trying to change. I should keep my faith intact." Ishita consoled herself as two hours passed without any sign of her husband.
"But that's what I did last time and he murdered my faith mercilessly." Her mind argued back leaving her in a dilemma. Ishita rubbed her head unable to think anything straight and buried her head in a pillow going insane. She dialled Raman's number another time and received the same robotic message of number is switched off again. Ishita remained laid next to Roohi thinking about her and Raman's relationship, realising it's too hard for her to leave him now and the message is just sent by someone mistakenly. Ishita opened her message box and read the unknown number, she copied the number on truecaller but got no information about the user. She kept her phone back and kept staring at the ceiling of her room when the voice of Roohi's coughing caught her attention.
"Roo." Ishita whispered her daughter's name who was coughing continuously in sleep. Ishita rubbed her back softly thinking her coughing stop and she did not wake up but after a few minutes when her coughing got vigorous she took her in her arms and started to rub her back.
"Mumma." Roohi called her mother's name with difficulty and Ishita lit the lights of her room.
"Kya hua beta?" (Are you fine dear?)
"Mumma mera gala….it's paining." (My throat is paining Mumma.) Roohi was half sleepy and unable to speak clearly. Ishita nodded her head in affirmation and made her drink water.
"It will get fine dear. Aap Ko sardi hui hai na isliye khaasi uth rahi hai. Aap let jao." (It's paining because you catch cold but it will get fine dear.) Ishita consoled her little girl and took her in her arms, hoping her coughing get better with time as she already gave her prescribed dose and skeptical to give her another dose of cough syrup but even after ten minutes when Roohi coughing didn't stop she gave her medicines and took her little body in her arms back. "Mumma please turn off the air conditioner." Ishita creased her brows listening to Roohi's words and immediately checked her temperature and only found her body slightly warm. She hurriedly took out the thermometer and found Roohi's body temperature rose slightly than body temperature.
"See I have turned off the air conditioner." Ishita mumbled the same in half sleepy Roohi's ear concluding that Roohi's body temperature rose due to the cold and cough she had. She kissed Roohi's head lovingly and caressed her cheeks. And time started to pass, Ishita's mind started to revolve around the same issue she was thinking earlier, the months she spent carrying doubt if her marriage is actually going to work with Raman or she will end up carrying the same fate as her mother.
YEAR 2015
AUGUST
The three months had passed since Raman left Ishita alone and vulnerable that afternoon and he didn't try to make contact with her once even in these months. Ishita who never showed her tears to anyone this time chose to shed her tears in the four walls of her apartment. She was broken and scared with everything, in these years she started to become emotionally dependent on Raman, despite having lots of differences she believed that he is the one with whom she wishes to spend her rest of the life and when he left her alone she started to feel like a part of her body left her. She didn't know how to name the feeling but she was scared with the thoughts of being left alone, or spending her whole life without Raman. A togetherness brings dependency and Ishita realizes she badly relies on Raman and she realised the same when she was physically and emotionally away from him.
In these months Ishita had told no one about what made Raman go away from Delhi in a jiffy because everyone knew that Raman planned to gift Ishita a foreign tour as her PhD completion gift. Ishita never missed Raman this much as she was missing him now. The physical distance never bothered her as they always stayed emotionally connected but now Ishita started to feel she started to lose everything she had. It was such an evening when Ishita was sitting gloomily after returning back from university, she tried Raman's number which came unreachable again and she threw her phone angrily letting her helpless tears to flow down from her cheeks. Ishita hugged her knees close to her chest feeling depressed with everything going around and at same time her helplessness for unable to tell the same anything to anyone. Ishita was sitting silently when a doorbell rang and she ran towards the door hoping her husband returned back.
"Jeeju."
Ishita wiped her tears and allowed Bala to enter inside. Bala who was meeting Ishita after two long months rose his brows seeing the apartment messed up and stinky. He was unable to believe the same because it was too unlikely of Ishita to leave her home untidy. Bala kept the fruits and food packets on a mini table and took the glass of water from Ishita's hand.
"Yeh kya haal bana rakha hai tune apna Ishu?" (What you made up of yourself?)
"I'm fine Jiju. How are you?" Ishita changed the topic and moved towards the kitchen to prepare tea for Bala.
"Ishu abhi bhi tumhara aur Raman ka jhagda chal raha hai? Come on yaar kitne mahine ho gaye hai. Ab toh jhagda band karo." (Till when you and Raman are going to continue your fight?)
"Jeeju jhagda band karne ke liye mera pati yahan hona bhi toh chahiye. It's been three months and there is no sign of him." (How I'm supposed to end the fight when my husband is not here?)
"Office mein pata kiya?" (Have you inquired in office?) Bala asked doubtfully somewhere scared of Ishita's reply.
"They refused to tell me."
"Aur Mihir?"
"Jeeju Mihir Mihir toh khud on site pe ten months ke liye Chicago gaya hai usse kya poochoon. I have no idea where Raman is, what is going in his head. Everyday I try his phone at least twice but it comes switched off. He has no concern or care left for me jiju. Meri itni badi galti thi kya?" Ishita's question left Bala speechless, he knew Raman wasn't in the country but he never knew if he didn't care to inform Ishita. It was hard to believe for Bala that Raman, the man who was crying for his wife that night, became so cold towards her. "I think he wants to leave me jiju. Everyone was right, I'm going to have the same fate as Amma." Ishita said further, going paranoid, finally having someone who can understand her better than her mother or sister. "Jeeju batao na meri kya galti thi?"
"Ishu you weren't at fault. That was an accident and accidents can happen with anyone. Bas." Bala consoled Ishita, didn't know what to say. He was feeling so bad with Raman's cold attitude towards Ishita, he hoped Raman might understand Ishita's unsaid insecurities in these three years but today he got reality check that they were far away emotionally even being together physically. Bala made Ishita sit beside him and handed her glass of water, he was feeling pity on her condition, he never saw Ishita in such pathetic state, she is always been a strong headed and fearless lady and now she looked scared and shaken, the hint of concern and worry in her eyes wasn't random it was her love for her husband which herself failed to realise now. "That man.......whom you all consider my father was right, unhone kaha tha na meri shaadi nahi bachegi kyon ki maine unki shaadi todi thi dekho yeh sab Sach ho raha hai Jeeju." (That's man whom you consider my father was right somewhere, he told me that my marriage will break the way I break his marriage. See it's happening in real.) Ishita broke down into tears hugging Bala tight, Bala caressed her head didn't know how to console her, but one thing was true that he is truly disappointed with Raman today.
"Chalo now you stop crying okay. Aur tumne kuch nahi kiya hai samjhi tum. Unki shaadi tooti kyon ki unhe shaadi sambhaalni aati hi nahi thi Ishu. It's not your fault okay." (Enough for now Ishita. You was never at fault okay. His marriage broke because of his own deeds. So stop blaming yourself.) Bala consoled crying Ishita and caressed her hairs like a big brother does, hoping his words gives Ishita a little peace.
"Jeeju I'm scared for Raman."
"He is fine Ishita. Woh....woh theek hai. He is in Zurich now." Bala blurted the truth at last leaving Ishita astonished.
"How do you know?"
"He texted me Ishita." Bala replied skeptically somewhere having idea the reaction he will receive from Ishita.
"He texted you? When?"
"Two.....two months back."
"And you're telling me now? That's unbelievable Jeeju."
"Ishu I had no idea that your fool husband didn't informed you. Tujhe lagta hai agar mujhe pata hota toh main tujhe nahi batata." The astonished was a small word to define Ishita's state after she came to know Raman's behaviour for her. She never imagined if her husband can be turned so cold and ignorant towards her. She laughed with heavy hearts with tears in her eyes recalling the empty days and sleepless nights she spend without him, praying for his wellbeing without caring of her own health and after months what she got?
Pure betrayal.
If he alleged her for being unfaithful wife towards him than he is not less. Her husband, mighty Raman Bhalla is same. Even he failed to perform the duty a responsible husband supposed to, "Phenomenal. He texted you about his whereabouts but he cannot take the pain to inform me about same. Here I'm living like a dead worrying about him aur usko koi farak nahi padta hai?" She sarcastically clapped her hands laughing over her state.
"You told me he is not like that man but he is Jeeju. Infact he is worse." Ishita spoke carrying a loathe in her tone and hatred in her eyes. "He want me to die for him in his absence, fell in his feet, beg for his forgiveness but I won't do that Jeeju. I know how to gives back." An enraged Ishita immediately blocked all the contact numbers and email id's of her husband and threw her phone aside. "The tear days will end from today itself." Her words sounded like she vowed to end whatever she had with Raman in those seconds.
"Ishu listen. Don't make decision out of anger." Bala tried to stop Ishita bit she already strode towards kitchen and boiling water for tea.
"No Jeeju I'm not fool here to kill myself for man like him. If he wants to live with his fake pride than let him be. I won't destroy my peace for him." Ishita said further in authoritive tone showing no emotions on her face. "He thinks himself a narcissist but I will prove him that I does not need him at all." Ishita replied fuming with anger. Her behaviour was not at all new for Bala, he knew how much hot tempered Ishita is. She is an emotional woman and yes, she won't bear the exploitation of her emotions at all. Bala didn't remembered if Ishita shed tears for someone like today, she never chose to showcase her emotions to anyone but today when he saw her crying for her husband he understood Ishita holds something in her heart for Raman.
And maybe that something is love.
Bala made Ishita sit along him and passed her chocolate to eat before continuing, "chal leave all this and come with me. You remember that today is Varlakshmi Pooja at home. Your sister had organised big pooja today and all the ladies of our community are invited there."
"So that everyone including your beloved mother in law can taunt me about what kind of pathetic wife I am who don't keep any fast for her husband?" Ishita snorted with irritation munching her favourite chocolates making Bala sigh. He silently drank his tea and kept looking at Ishita hoping her anger melted down but he frowned his brows when he saw her coming out from her room, dressed in sleeveless top and jeans carrying a sling bag along.
"Where are you going?"
"Mall. It's been ages I stepped out from home except going to university. I have to repair my two-wheeler as well. Jeeju please come with me till workshop. It's near to our apartments." Bala sighted knowing well Ishita is not going to listen him anymore. He nodded his head and they both exited the apartment. Bala planned to talk Ishita after few days but his all the attempts went unfruitful otherside Ishita started to look happy to eveyrone, she increased sleepover at her friends place and also started to go out for occasional drinks with her female friends, everyone thought she is back to normal but she wasn't. Each day the ache in her heart being left alone was making her feel sick, the marriage ring in her finger, the bracelet Raman gifted her on their wedding night and nuptial chain around her neck started to make her feel suffocated. Earlier she treated marriage as an escape from her mother and her expectations, a ticket to freedom from the boundaries her maternal family set for her, an expectation of better life which will keep her away from emotional and financial crisis she faced during her entire life and there would be no one to whom she need to prove her worth just because she is a girl.
But now Ishita wanted to escape from the marriage.
And started to do all the things she never does, she partied late night, drank alcohol with her friends, danced crazily in pubs and what not. All the stupid things which she loved to do with Raman earlier, she wanted to do for herself only but her escape remained shortlived. Soon Raman's pictures with random glamorous ladies started to surface on social media, suddenly he started to become famous on social media and emerged as an youth icon of PSR for his business talks. In days he posed as an affluent businessmen with big names and at night as a hard-core party lover. Everything about Raman was enough to affect Ishita in a negative manner, she started to feel herself rejected somewhere and after few weeks as the rumors of her husband affair came in floor it broke her completely. It is well said that it's better to be speak up but Ishita had no one to said hare her worries and fears. The mask of being happy didn't last longer and in same year around the month of early November, Ishita suffered with nervous breakdown.
Whenever Ishita recalls those days her eyes filled with tears making her realise how much helpless was she despite posing strong. The memories of those days leaves her broken and realised she is a loser. Ishita throat became horase and she clamped her hand over her mouth to suppress her sobs, her daughter was sleeping next to her and she cannot afford to wake her up.
Why I'm crying? Kyon ro rahi hoon main? Main toh kabhi...kabhi nahi roti hoon na phir kyon aaj? Woh bhi Raman ke liye? Ya unhe khone ke darr se? (Why I'm crying for Raman? I don't cry then why today. Is it because I'm I'm scared to loose him?)
She jumped at her place wiping her cheeks again and again wondering does she fell actually fell in love with her husband?
Main kaise Raman se mohabbat kar sakti hoon? Mujhe toh kabhi kisi se pyar karna hi nahi tha na......phir kyon? Shaadi ke waqt khud se waada kiya tha ki Raman se kabhi mohabbat nahi karoongi phir Roohi ke janam ke waqt khud se waada kiya tha ki usse bhi mohabbat nahi karoongi par ab toh ek ek pal un dono ke bina nikaalna mushqil hai mujhe phir main kaise zinda rahoongi?
(It cannot happen. I cannot fall in love with Raman. I have vowed not to fall in love with him but but I do. Later at the time of Roohi's birth I promised myself to maintain distance with her but I broke that promise as well. Now they made me so weak that a mere thought of spending a second without them is enough to give me nightmares.)
Ishita took sleeping Roohi in her arms and hugged her tightly, shedding silent tears. She was in love with her husband but she had no faith on her fate knowing well it snatched the peoples from her whom she loved most. She bore her mother and sister indifference but would she able to live with her daughter indifference? The love is beautiful only if it can be reciprocate equally from another side and here with the hanging sword of Raman ex lover, would the tender thread of love managed to survive?
Ishita cherished her realisation of love in the dimly lit room carrying sleeping daughter in her arms until the churn of door made her alert. She made Roohi sleep back on her place and closed her eyes pretended to be asleep. After few minutes she felt her favourite manly scent around her and his fingers caressing her cheeks, she remained laid with closed eyes when his lips touched her forehead softly. His touch gave her peace and she never realised when she actually fell asleep hugging Roohi.
****************
Next Day when Ishita awake she was having a bad headache due to lack of sleep, she looked at her other side and saw Raman sleeping cuddling with Roohi. She checked the time and it was just seven of morning. She took out the thermometer from the bedside drawer and started to take Roohi temperature but in the process she ended up waking Raman. "I'm sorry Raman. You please sleep." Ishita tried to cover Raman who was looking tired.
"That's fine. What happened? Why're you taking Roohi temperature?"
"She had temperature last night." Raman sat aback and checked the thermometer which was showing normal temperature making young parent sigh with relief. "But we need to take her to doctor."
"We will take her together. I will fix appointment at Dr. Archana clinic." Ishita nodded her head in affirmation and kissed Roohi's forehead, "you look tired. Take a leave if possible." Raman said later, trying to stiffen his yawns.
"No I have work at university. You take rest. I will drop Roohi to school." Ishita replied with the probable solution knowing well Raman had to go for site visit today. "Don't worry but I will try to return early." Ishita comforted her husband and asked him to take rest whereas she left to start her day. As Ishita said she dropped Roohi to school and asked her teacher not to let her play and exert herself physically more. She spend her remaining day in university, making sure not to stress her mind more. Around three of afternoon, she picked Roohi from school and the mother daughter duo reached at home. Roohi being lousy chose to cuddle with her Mumma as Ishita gave her homemade snacks after reaching back to home.
"Hey Rooh would you like to go on a walk?" Ishita later asked seeing Roohi looking something into phone while lying down on her mother's lap.
"No Mumma. I dont want to." Roohi kept the phone aside and buried her face in her mother stomach making Ishita smile. She caressed her daughter hairs and picked newspaper supplements to read. Ishita wasn't liking her Roohi being lazy and silent but she can understand her daughter is little sick and children often becomes cranky. Ishita started to check her phone hoping Raman would arrive soon so that they can take Roohi to doctor. "Rooh let's go on walk, we will play with Pluto as well." Ishita nagged Roohi again with pleading eyes.
"I'm feeling sleepy Mumma. Can't we go tomorrow?"
"Are you still having pain in throat?" Ishita asked and Roohi nodded her head in affirmation. Ishita kissed her forehead and lured her to meet Pluto if they goes downstairs. Roohi love Pluto more than anyone and hence she agreed to go downstairs despite being sleepy. As Ishita expected Roohi instantly cheered up when Pluto came towards them wiggling his tail. Roohi started to play with Pluto, running behind Pluto ignoring her mother words. Somewhere her smiling face relieved Ishita but her relief was shortlived until she saw Roohi sitting on floor panting hard.
"Roohi." Ishita hugged Roohi frightened with her sudden deteriorating health. "Rooh bolo na beta. Kya hua." Ishita asked with scared voice seeing her little daughter who was finding hard to breath.
"Ishita kya hua?" She relieved finding her husband who came running towards her.
"Raman yeh dekho na Roohi ko, ekdum se kya ho gaya hai." Her voice refused to come out from her throat, making hard for her to reply.
"What was the need to bring her downstairs then? I was coming anyway." Ishita kept looking at her husband who took Roohi from her hands and started to walk towards car carrying Roohi in his arms leaving stunned Ishita behind. "Ishita do fast!!!!" Ishita composed herself and ran behind Raman. She sat on passenger seat and hugged Roohi who still was not looking better. The Child Care Private Clinic owned by Dr. Archana was hardly ten fifteen minutes away but the traffic almost took half an hour for them to reach. Through all the time Ishita kept rubbing Roohi's back and made her drink little water hoping it would make her feel better. As Raman parked his car in the parking, Ishita was the first one who ran inside clinic carrying Roohi along.
"We have an appointment for Ms. Roohi Bhalla."
"It's room no 3 mam." The receptionist replied and Ishita Raman walked towards the room which was in the lobby. Ishita expected to meet Dr. Archana but she frowned seeing a young male doctor sitting there, reading something. "Look like we came in wrong room." Ishita mumbled and about to go back when doctor stopped her.
"No mam you came in right room. Please have a seat." Raman Ishita sat on visitors seat still carrying Roohi in their arms.
"We want to meet Dr. Archana." Raman inquired growing impatient.
"Sir, Dr. Archana is not in town, I'm her assistant, Dr. Rajan Mehta. I had words with her about Dr. Archana when you told the receptionist that she treated Roohi earlier." The young man introduced himself with polite voice. Raman Ishita nodded their heads and make themselves comfortable on seats. Raman ran his gaze around the room, the room had white walls decorated with various cartoon characters stickers pasted on it, the room was divided into two sections, one visitor section and another one covered with partition for examination. The doctor was young hardly twenty six or twenty seven years old, he had thick eyebrows, black eyes and a sharp jawline with trimmed beard. He smiled at Raman Ishita and gestured them to make little lady sit on stool.
"Go baby." Ishita cooed her little baby and made her sit on the stool. He started to have casual chat with Roohi asking about her favourite cartoon while examining her pulse and eyes.
"I don't think if he know something. Look how he is chatting with Roohi." Raman nagged Ishita making her scowl.
"He is doing right thing. She is child, she might get scared." Ishita replied and signalled her husband to remain quite.
"Mam since when she is having cold and cough?"
"Since last weekend. She ate icecream on rainy evening it happened after that." Ishita replied with concern filled eyes. "She also had temperature last night." Dr. Rajan Mehta nodded his head and stated his examination procedure.
"Something else you noticed?"
"She often runs out of breath and she cannot do much physical exertion. Even today she started to pant aloud doing mere physical work." Ishita shared every detail about Roohi she observed in past months.
"Does she often runs out of breath?" Dr Rajan asked further.
"Yes it's happening from so many days. The mere physical work leaves her exhaust."
"She is having viral fever. It's quite common in kids especially in rainy days and from the other traits you shared, I feel your daughter is asthmatic." Dr. Rajan Mehta shared his opinion after examining Roohi, his words left the young parent worried and concerned for their little daughter. "But all of sudden? She never had such problems before." Raman questioned doctor this time, unsatisfied with doctor Rajan observation.
"Mr Bhalla there is nothing much to be worry about infact you should be happy as we discovered it in early age. Mostly this disease discovers in later stage as peoples are not aware about it. It can be genetic as well but and right medication can cure her, you just need to take her extra care. I'm writing prescription, start the medication from today and no icecream or cold drinks for young lady." Dr. Rajan smiled at Roohi and handed the prescription paper to couple. "Mrs Bhalla make sure Roohi doesn't exert herself much." Ishita nodded her head in affirmation caressing Roohi's hairs.
"Dr. Archana will be here in few days. We will give you a call and you can consult to her as well." Ishita Raman nodded their heads and exited the cabin along Roohi. Ishita kept hugging Roohi through the entire way, making a promise to take a more care of her from now.