Manik's pov:
" I tried Nandini..tried so hard to pretend I was okay that nothing was wrong...that I was holding up but the truth was I wasn't..ever..I was never anything close to being okay! The piled-up frustration went on increasing as the days passed..harsh dadu was there always, trying to distract me with his various tricks and dadi showered all her love and pampering on me but everything was a waste for their sake I put up a happy facade but deep down the void never left...I was captive in my despair so much that I failed to see all the good around me.
I starting drifting apart and isolating myself emotionally, having lost dadu and di consecutively within a few years took a toll on me, I thought there was something wrong with me..Nyonika was right..I didn't deserve anything close to love. I let that lady get her means. I let her make me believe that I was completely useless as a human being and nobody ever will be by me.
Months passed and nothing changed...my life seemed to have an abrupt halt since the day of di's death...I had lost my capacity to feel joy...I felt awful to see harsh dadu and dadi's face fall Every time their efforts didn't work...I was helpless Nandini..every night my mind would only roam around the possibilities...around all those webs of what if's.
In these months I met cabir he had lost his parents in an unfortunate incident and since then used to stay with his relatives we clicked good, even though I had my walls held high for him as well but he being the crazy soul he is was adamant to get past it and did.
In few weeks I was sharing a part of my life with him, Being the good friend that he is he had my back whenever I broke down or had a panic attack, he was the only one who knew about my recurring nightmares. I told him every little thing about di a few over and over again like a kid and he heard all of it like a patient mother.
He gets it all for keeping me sane through the years, I once mentioned to him about di's fondness for architecture and how she wanted to run her firm, her undying determination towards her ambition was one of the many things I looked up to. It was him then who encouraged me to perceive architecture, he was my motivation throughout I was losing myself in misery and he couldn't bear that so he suggested to me this knowing that I won't deny since it had to do with di.
He convinced me after great efforts, in all of this I lost the one thing that gave me peace..music..di introduced me to music..at first her lullaby's and slowly her fondness towards the same rubbed off on me but without her, beside, I didn't have the heart to play...so I let go of it and immersed myself in my studies.
I did pretty well, studies came as a distraction and so I spent most of my time doing it..trying to keep my inner demons at bay...dadu and dadi had to leave for Sydney due to some issues there..at first they were hesitant of leaving me by myself but I assured them about my well-being they had to give in considering their need back there.
My schedule for the first few days after their departure went as planned with no major changes, the well-trained staff looked after my wants to their best abilities I had nothing to complain about. With the house being empty cabir paid occasional visits he too was into architecture but my senior..we spent a good time together albeit at some point I was alone with my haunting thoughts...I hated those voices, those images....those terrifying nightmares, and like most of the nights I used to wake up patting..scared and lonely.
One day I saw a group of guys in the backyard of our college acting funnily, they were one of those popular college groups..finding it weird and my sense altering me of the trouble. I went away minding my business but a guy saw me and called me over. unwilling I went towards them and as close as I went the red flags went up higher ignoring every gut I joined them.
The moment I sat I knew what exactly was the scenario, I stood upright denying their offer of joining them. I went off as quickly as I can and breathed a sigh of relief.
The same night when I and cabir met, I wanted to mention this to him but for some unknown reason I held back..this went on for a couple of days....until one night, the intensity of the nightmare was much worse than the previous ones. I couldn't let go of my restlessness for the entire time the next day, this time one of those guys approached me yet again with the tempting offer.
If one of the other days my sane mind would refuse but today...I was craving for an escape, giving into this irresistible idea and that's how this darkness became a part of me, drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes worked as an internal pain killer for me but like the rest, it was all temporary.
I started staying away from cabir, skipping almost all of my classes losing focus on everything that I did.
Cabir punched slapped and tried thousands of times to get me out of it but I paid deaf ears to all his pleas."
My heart slumped at the thought of the most disturbing part sensing the unease Nandini held my hand in her's squeezing it lightly as she stood beside me by the railing giving a small yet warm assuring smile.
Which was enough for me to know for better or for worse she won't judge me.
" days passed and I was losing myself in those intoxicants. I couldn't stan a day without it it helped me to suppress those cruel voices in my head...those screams, those nightmares they seemed vague when high and back then this was what I craved for...a bloody escape..from self loath..from anxiety.....din raat Nashe main dudh...na Subha ki Khabar the na raat ka pata. I hardly ate anything at all...more than drugs I was addicted to the freedom it brought along, that relief even though temporary was ecstatic to me..even after pushing cabir away an ample amount of times he didn't give up....showed up after every time I buzzed him off.."
As I recalled those days I felt utterly grateful for having cabir as a friend with the amount of humiliation I threw his way it took a heart of gold to come back and not let me rot in the hell that I pushed myself into.
" one particular day I was so high that I passed out in the college backyard, it was cabir who brought me home. I was unconscious for three days due to a drug overdose he took care of me all the while and when I regained my senses we got into a huge fight him beating the shit outta me for being an atrociously careless jerk being the emotional drama queen he is along with the nagging and rock-solid support he got me to swear that I will reduce my drug intake if not leave completely all at once, considering my addiction it wasn't even practical to leave immediately.
And over a month I reduced my intake to a good amount, I got back to books for distraction sometimes when the urge was way too much to handle he showed up to get my mind off it...if not for cabir I would never be here standing in front of you..would probably be in some rehab or worst died out of overdose!"
" You both are very lucky to have each other Manik! Not everyone is lucky enough to have someone to lean on" I heard her whisper as her lips curved upward narrowly. I returned the gesture.
" Towards the end of the month cabir was the happiest person seeing me taking a hold on my life but I think your aiyappa wasn't done with the troubles yet. Kuch hi dino main cabir had to leave abroad to continue with his studies his dad always wanted him to study abroad...cabir being cabir tried denying his uncle and aunt without reasoning them, I accidentally overheard their family conversation once and that was when it all occurs to me that idiot was letting this opportunity go because of me.
I didn't want anybody doing any more sacrifices for me I didn't think I deserved it...because when they need me the most i..am never there!"
" Manik..!" she spoke in a hushed voice as if conveying her disagreement with my statement.
" What!! Nandini don't you think it is the only truth...I managed to manipulate cabir into going along with whatever his family told him..a part of him wanted to go but the majority spoke against it the reason of course me....isn't that looser the best buddy!" I chuckled dryly.
" He sure is!"
" Phir kya after a huge list of do's and Don'ts in his absence and a lot of assurance from my side he went off, I thought he wasn't coming back any sooner than two years...So for this period, I was alone....sending him off I didn't realize his absence is gonna be soo bothersome as much annoyed as I pretended to be by his nagging. I missed it after his departure, his mockery and sarcasm once despised were wanting to be heard again!
But I kept my promise to him and tried keeping far off from drugs but never left it...I couldn't...I felt helpless before the desperate need to zone out...the disgust never left but the restlessness had a hand much bigger.
Once or twice in a week I had good conversations with dadu and dadi, I knew they felt horrible leaving me by myself here, burdening them was the last thing I would do miles apart they would worry for nothing so I kept it from them...listening about cabir's departure they already were anxious and rushing to come back..truth to be said I was too ashamed of my deeds.
Kuch din toh sab thek tha but I guess that was just the silence before the actual hurricane...I got to know from the bloody news...Randhir and Nyonika got married...the business tycoon ties the knot with the love of his life...huh! LOVE...that women was incapable of this emotion. My so-called mother married the same guy she was ready to sell my di to after what hardly months later of her so-called husband's death!
Phir kya the little something that was holding me fell apart so much so that it became impossible for me to hold myself together...slowly drugs became a part of me...cabir achanak vacations main vapas aaya..he saw me all devastated making a hell out of my life!
He got me into rehab and introduced therapy to me, obviously not before giving a piece of his mind...I was diagnosed with clinical depression. Dadu aur Dadi bhi vapas aa chuke the seeing them blaming themselves for my stupidity was distressing..it felt horrendous to see dadi weeping to see my weak pale self..every time when I yearned for a single dose pleading, begging more than me it hurt them witnessing me crying and yelling for that damm drug."
" With constant support of them and of course medical help I battled depression and addiction but was advised to take an antidepressant in worst-case scenarios. I promised to work on myself and never touch drugs again...not disappointing the people who gave up so much for me..Cabir and me worked our asses off to develop our firm dadu offered help but we denied wanting nothing but his guidance which he gladly gave....got our degrees while working towards our dream...got our first project 2 months after my graduation.
Gave our sweat and blood towards it..collected funds convinced people into investing in us..it took a lot but infinity was worth every bit...the gorgeous smile on dadi's face at the opening ceremony and the pride in dadu's eyes as he kept flaunting about my success to his friends at the ceremony was bliss...that feeling was amazing! Infinity ke opening ke baad Dadu dadi Punjab main settle ho gaye as dadi wanted to spend some time at her birthplace and infinity kept me and cabir busy."
" You do know that I am so proud of you right!" I smiled, a small yet genuine one as her words hit my ears.
" As a defense mechanism, I put up this shrewd arrogant bastard of an image so that no-one questions or even can think about betraying me it all worked until...this one human of hardly quarter of my size managed to crumble my this belief and slapped reality at my face that me being a literal jerk was so not cool....she went from standing up for herself against me to standing by me like she is right now!" I smiled as she blushed softly looking every bit of gorgeous under the moonlight.
" You introduced me to this perfect family of yours making me give up on all sorts of negatives about this concept that I adhere to all my life, found me worthy enough to share a part so close to you. You took me as I am with all my flaws...you consoled me when I fell apart, being my strength all the while being it with my nightmares or now as I walked down my terrible past..at times your optimism amazes me, being a pessimist all my life I couldn't stand how you find a reason to feel joy in every little thing be it fireflies or sunsets
Your ocean romance is so out of my reach!...in all my chaos you became my peace Nandini...you are like the peaceful sunset after a tiresome day or the first drop of dew for the thirsty leaf....thank-you for making me akin with the other side of the world...where people care for each other, where feelings matter and where it is not all gloomy and where family sticks together in thick and thin!" Her eyes lit up as I spoke caressing her fingers with mine, our eyes locked, a peaceful gush of wind surrounded us..just talking about her calms me like no other.
" You don't need to thank me Manik...I did nothing..frankly, I never felt the need to...you are such a strong person and been one for a long long while...in fact, I am glad that I met you, your flaws are most cherished by me. if not for them you wouldn't be the person you are today...galtiya sabse hoti hai Manik, our faults make us human at the end what counts is our efforts to set those mistakes right...all of us are soo proud of you me, cabir, dadu and dadi hum sab!
But you don't always need to be strong Manik..sometimes having an off moment is okay, feeling weak is okay what is not okay is hurting yourself and not allowing others to heal you..pushing everyone who cares is never a solution Manik...we think we are saving some trouble from them by doing so but we are hurting them so much more...you need to understand manik, it's beyond human to handle everything and know about what everyone is going through at all times.
Don't be so harsh on yourself please, don't punish yourself for a crime you never committed...please!" She spoke softly cupping my face with her one hand as the other stayed entwined with mine...I knew exactly what she was hinting at her voice held this undeniable power over my senses that as much as I wanted to question or argue I couldn't.
" Kaise...!" she could clearly sense the vulnerability in my voice as she caressed my cheek softly with her thumb.
" forgiving yourself is the first step towards healing..we'll work on that abb Tum batao agar tumhe koi bhi idea hota about what di is going through would you leave her with her misery!?" she questioned, I shook my head in a noo frantically for a second. With the ease she spoke about di to me was very unfamiliar to me, everyone who knew dreaded to bring her name up fearing the consequences, this tiny human here made it sound so very normal.
" phir, jab tumhe Kuch pata hi nhi tha toh tum unki help kaise karte.. solution dhundna ho toh pehle problem toh pata honi chahiye na! I don't know about you but the manik I know would do everything in human capability to not let the worse happen haina!?" she spoke as if explaining a kid, softly yet wisely completely aware of her words. I shook my head again this time in agreement.
" toh is blaming yourself! Aaise punishing yourself by not letting anyone come close to you hurting yourself emotionally and physically correct Nhi hai na!" I stood with my head bowed down like an innocent kid after realization of his wrong deeds...nodding in disagreement I peeked to look at her to find her smiling.
" you are smiling at my plight!" I said grumpily unintentionally my tone came out childish..she giggled slightly making me frown at her.
" you look extremely adorable right now! I tell you your employees are gonna faint after witnessing this side of yours if ever!" she chuckled softly at saying so.
" Not everyone is as lucky miss Murthy and FYI this side is just for you!" and now all of a sudden I was flirting...way to go Malhotra! No wonder she drives me crazy!
" Is that so!" she said smug voice wrapping her arms around my neck.
" Most definitely!" I whispered huskily pulling her closer with my hands on her back as she blushed timidly..our gazes interlocked...
I rested my forehead on hers breathing softly almost sighing....we closed our eyes feeling the warmth of the other, the moon being the witness of our perfect moment!
" You are soo precious Manik..don't let anyone tell you otherwise!" she whispered caressing my week-old stubble and mole..my lips curved into a huge genuine smile.
I pulled back slightly to drop a warm peak on her forehead before pulling her to be in a tight hug burying my face in the crook of her neck while she clutched my back tightly, I could feel the curve of her lips on my neck which made my smile wider.
" you are my peace Nandini! Hold onto me please!" I hushed in her ears with all the honesty! My heart fluttered as she whispered back.
" humesha!"
Kamal ki rafogaar hai voh,
Koi jaan bhi na paya main Kaha tha uthda hua...
~unknown
Apologies for being incredibly late but anyways I hope you liked the chapter...please do vote and comment-❤