FEAR. It shifted through me like gritty motor oil in a broken car, leaking everywhere, making me feel like I would drown in it at any moment. For most of my life, I hid my abnormalities to fit in, and now it was like I was standing naked in front of the world, waiting for the laughs and embarrassment to come.
I couldn't look at Rucker and see the rejection on his face. I just couldn't handle it. This was why I didn't get close to people. It was like once you got to know a person and connect with them, they had this power over you. It wasn't always manipulative, but it made you care sometimes — crave their acceptance even when you didn't want too.
Sebastian's voice broke me from that wanting for a moment, interrupting everything. "Ever since you met her, you've treated her differently from the other contestants. You tease her. Flirt with her. Give her hints. Why would you do that unless you met her before? You knew from the beginning she juggles with multiple personalities. Or do you just help all strangers you meet?"
Jookie smirked. "You don't want to know what I do in my spare time," he said, voice warm and husky.
Seb grounded his teeth, blowing out air. "All of you are cheaters. This whole game reeks of privilege and disgrace. Where's the elegant realism? The sophisticated authenticity?"
"Money and authenticity don't work together," Jookie said.
"But they can," Seb snapped. "You just let the vile aroma of profit corrupt the very delicate core of the game. It's shameful and nauseating. All of you planned for Betinia to lose from the very beginning. You just didn't think you'd get caught or called out for it."
"And you call this calling us out?" Jookie belly-laughed, holding his stomach. "Where's your proof? You're spewing out shit that makes no sense."
"Proof, you say? All the viewers have to do is rewatch the footage and see how you interacted with her," Seb said in a bitter tone. "You acted like you met her before. You whispered things to her and tried to exploit her multiple personalities since the beginning. Why else did you bring up her past and her mother so soon and so often? Because you wanted to trigger her, hoping to bring out that other side to see if she'd remember and to exploit it for ratings. You barely touched the surface of any of the other contestants. Only her."
"Hate to break the obvious to you, but we're exploiting all of you for ratings and money," Jookie said, shrugging. "The viewers know and don't care about that. And it's not our fault that she's the most interesting."
"They'd care about you messing with their money though." Seb's eyes crinkled. "They'd care about you scamming them out of millions of dollars." He paused. "But then again, this isn't the first time you tried to do that. How about I go over all the wonderful ways?" Sebastian held up multiple fingers. "One, Layla's death. You guys almost cheated them until we said something about it. We clearly had it right, yet you tried to make us lose. I wouldn't be surprised if you hid evidence to purposely make us come to that suicide conclusion, so we'd lose. Or maybe you even killed Layla yourselves? We'd never find the killer then and you guys could keep dragging it out, making more money."
Why didn't I think of that? Maybe they did kill her? If that's true, it's not your fault that you didn't get it then. They had — Will both of you shut up and let me listen? My man's talking.
"Two, giving Gmie and Demo immunity. You only did that to control the betting pool, why else?" Seb asked. "And let's not forget this challenge. You've met her before. I can taste it on you."
Nit — don't say her name. Fine, have you met Jookie before? We don't remember meeting him. Pause. Not sure. Since you guys buried me, I don't have my full memories yet. They were coming back when I was in charge. But, I do feel like I might've met him before. Like just looking at him irks my life. I hate him, but I don't truly know why.
"This game isn't about control," Sebastian said, bringing me out of my thoughts. "People don't watch for that. They love the high stakes and the unpredictability of the game. That's why they bet and watch. If it's rigged, then why watch? The viewers forgave you twice now, I don't think they'll do it again."
Jookie took out his phone and laughed. "I cannot confirm or deny any of this, it's up to her to admit it or your whole argument gets thrown out the window." He turned to me. "Do you have multiple personalities, my little peach?" He gave me an unreadable look. I couldn't tell if he was judging me or angry at me.
I squared my shoulders and turned away, all eyes still on me. Just a day ago, I would've denied everything. I made Betinia, and we willingly switched. Who didn't wear a mask from time to time?
I researched dissociative identity disorder before, and I didn't feel like I fit that narrative with Bet. I didn't feel like a host or a system with multiple alters. I just felt like a human being trying to be what society wanted me to be by acting normal and not the darkness that they kept locked away like garbage because they didn't fit their mold of normal. I didn't want to be called a danger to society because once I told people about Bet that's what they would've thought. I had these urges for blood, killing and weirdness before my family tragedy. I was born with them, but no one would've believe that.
I damn sure didn't tell them about my urges after the fact because my mother's decisions already ruined my future because in a professional's eyes, that bloody incident would be the cause of everything wrong with me, past and future. It would taint my existence for the rest of my life. Just ask my therapist. Everything was "my mother this" or "my mother that."
I would never be my mother. I saw and lived the consequences of her actions, and I never wanted to repeat that on innocent people.
I created Bet just for that reason and for survival, so I wouldn't have to spend the rest of my days in a hospital. And once I left that hospital, if I would've told people about her, they'd have put me right back, spewing out how dangerous I was because of my past and because of the stigma already associated with people with DID. Look at the media, we're all dangerous, weird, and violent.
I controlled and fought my urges because I didn't want to be put in that box. I didn't want to repeat what my mother did. I could be normal. I could be if I tried hard enough. If I just made Bet live for me, I would fine. Everyone acted like someone else. It was normal, right?
I believed that until she showed up again. She destroyed that beautiful false world that I created because I couldn't explain her. She wasn't just another mask. I didn't remember anything about her until she showed up a couple of hours ago. And whether I liked it or not, she was a part of me. It was hard to deny or ignore someone talking in your head. I couldn't call her another mask because I couldn't control her. Not to mention the memory loss. Even with everything she's done, I knew deep down that she wasn't dangerous. I mean she could be, but everyone could be. I think she only did horrible things to protect me. To keep me safe, which was the reason my brain created her in the first place.
I closed my eyes, taking in a breath. My brain felt like it had been hammered with a meat clever, completely mind-fucked, and destroyed. I didn't know what I was or what to believe in anymore.
I had to commit to a truth that I didn't even understand yet or die. How was that fair?
You can do this. It's okay. But I don't even understand what's happening to me. I spent so many years thinking one thing, hiding myself that I'm just... I don't know.
Don't think about the specifics now, just tell the truth. And what will that do? Just make everyone leave us and think we're even more freakish? Telling the truth will save us. How? Seb lost. It's over. Yes, but he's getting the viewers on our side. At the end of the day, this game is about money and viewers. Viewers are money. If they leave, they have nothing. I don't know where this is going. I'm as confused as you, but lying just doesn't feel like the right thing to do. Listen to Betty Boop. Do you want to lose Rucker?
I looked up at Rucker for a moment, seeing a confused expression on his face. He didn't look at me in disgust like I thought. He really just looked like he didn't know what the hell was going on.
But would he accept me? Would my team accept me?
When Seb brought it up earlier before you left for the pool room, they didn't react too badly. They all froze and became silent until I argued that I didn't have it. Does that sound like acceptance to you? It's fear and pity.
I closed my eyes, a numbness floating in my fingers. It was like my worst fear was staring me straight in the face, daring me to speak. But what happened when you stared your worst fear in the face? You froze. You sweated. You felt like the passages in your heart were craving in. You couldn't speak.
"You don't walk through this world wanting acceptance," Tim said, his voice ringing through my head. "You accept yourself, and anyone who doesn't do the same toward you, can fuck off. You entered this world alone and you'll leave it alone."
It's okay. A whitish comfort cloaked me, along with a toxic green sheet. Yes. It is. If anything, release me and I'll kill them all.
I laughed, which made everyone look at me harder. Even if they didn't accept me, it would hurt. But I would survive. I survived much worse. I still didn't understand myself, but I would. I just had to get through the hardest part first.
I looked up, going from Jookie to Seb to Rucker before looking down at my hands. "Uh, yeah. I have... multiple personalities inside me. They talk to me." That truth hung in the air like a distorted kite, making my chest hurt, and tears fall down my cheeks. "I thought I hid it well, but I guess someone found out and sent me here." That was the other issue, who knew? My sponsors knew, but I told no one so how did they know? I thought I hid it so well, but this moment proved that I didn't.
"Her words prove nothing," the robotic voice hissed. "She's lying. Just like Seb." Desperation filled their tone.
Jookie flicked his head to the cameras, a slow-burning grin filtering across his lips. You ever argue with someone so long and so intense that your lips hurt? And when you finally have the evidence to prove that you were right the whole time, you feel SO happy. That joy you get when you prove them wrong and get to say, "I told you so" that was Jookie's face times a million.
I've never seen his ass so damn giddy before.
Jookie grinned up at the speakers. "Did your plan just totally backfire? Like it took a literal goopy green shit on your face. You tried to kill me — which is against the rules of my contract by the way. I'll be talking to the other executives about that later. But you literally fucked yourself over," he said, winking. "Let's see if I can make it better though."
"Jookie," the robotic voice said in a menacing tone.
Jookie turned to the camera, arms in the air. "Sebastian was right. I knew my peach had a split from the start. We have met before. They told me to lie about it, so they could rig betting."
"Jookie—" the robotic voice shouted, sounding like they were about to explode.
"Oh, I wasn't supposed to say that, was I?" Jookie giggled, looking down at his phone. "I guess almost dying makes me have loose lips." He coughed. "Layla's murder was rigged too. We didn't kill her — one of y'all did that, but we did hide some of the footage—"
"Jookie! Leadership meeting now," The robotic voice screamed through the loudspeaker, the static hurting my ears.
Jookie smiled. "This wouldn't be about the seventy percent drop in ratings that we just experienced, is it?"
"Get here now!" The robotic voice squawked. "This challenge is over. Betinia and Sebastian won. And the whole game will be closed down until further notice."
Jookie let out a laugh as he snapped his fingers. Colorful confetti and balloons floated down from the ceiling as green lights circled the room. "You won, my little peach." He clapped, confetti filling his eyelashes.
"Jookie — get here now!" The robotic voice shouted.
Jookie sighed, walking through the entrance that Seb came through. "I'm coming. Can someone get my diamond rose petal face mask? I might as well get a facial if I gotta listen to them bitching for the next four hours." The wall slammed shut behind him, and we all just stood there, blinking.
"What just happened?" Rucker asked, looking around.
"I-I don't know," I said, falling to my knees and onto my back. "But we're alive..." It was like all my resolve just melted away like ice cream in a frying pan. I looked up at the ceiling, seeing it spin.
"Bet," Rucker yelled at me.
But I couldn't answer. I was so tired. I just closed my eyes.
Bet... I need you to take over now. I can't — I need to rest, and I don't know what I'm doing or what to do next. And I really don't feel like facing anyone right now. You can. Everything — I made you to keep me safe, but nothing you say can make the truth hurt less. You can't protect me from my own mind.
Soft tears slipped down my face, falling behind my ears. "I can't deal with this right now," I whispered. I had this one belief about myself for so long, and now it turned out to be a lie. What was I supposed to do now? What if I was slowly becoming my mother all this time? What if I lost everyone? I had so many questions and fears that I just wanted to go away and not deal with them because it was too painful and confusing.
You care too much about what everyone thinks. Fuck'em. We don't need them. Any of them. I think it's mostly the team. But it'll be okay. I don't think they'll care, especially Rucker.
Rucker doesn't even know what's going on. When he does, he'll leave. No — just take over please. Like before. Just bury me again. No. I won't do that.
You can bury me no problem. Because I don't like you. And I'm not burying you again, Tini. We need each other to survive. I realize that now.
All I do is cause problems. We wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for me. You heard Jookie — they would've made us play regardless, and we were supposed to lose. Maybe. But please just let me go.
Okay... I got this, but only if you promise to come back. Pause. Please. Okay. I promise. But no more pussy shit, okay? Huh? No more overthinking and forgetting shit. You do that too! Not as much as you. And stop being so nice. I know I made you that way, but survival comes first. Okay. I'll do better. I'll be 2.0.
That's a lot of confidence coming from someone whose 1.0 is the equivalent of Patrick from SpongeBob. I hate you so much. The feelings mutual, Betty Boop. Can you just go away? No. Whatever, I'll just bury you again.
When you bury a seed, it doesn't disappear. It grows. Keep doing it, I'll just keep sprouting. You know what destroys — stop it. Can you just please get along? For my sake. Don't be a pussy and don't go around fucking killing people willy nilly either. Just make her go away then. You two have to learn to get along until we figure out this whole thing. Just try to co-exist. Please.
Okay. Fine.
That's when I felt Betinia hug me and push me back. It felt like I was cocooned in her warmth while she kissed my forehead, both of them covering me with a blanket made of their essence. I finally felt that peace that I felt earlier when I thought I was dying. It was nice. Safe. Protected. Unproblematic. No emotions or feelings. No past or future. No acceptance or rejection. Just perfection.
I lied to Betinia. I said I would come back, but I never planned on leaving this place again. It was now my forever home.
♟♙♟