88 | Gray Meatloaf & Mystery Soup & Tim

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Author Note

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Author Note

Trigger warning! This chapter contains dark themes (suicide, mental hospital) so feel free to skip this chapter if needed!

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SEVEN DAYS. I haven't spoken to Rucker in seven days, and I haven't spoken to anyone else in four days.

After Rucker stormed away, I chased after him again, and he refused to acknowledge me, like I never meant anything to him.

I didn't blame him. I hurt him and he didn't want to admit it, and in return, he wanted to hurt me back just as bad. Parts of me felt like they have been shattered into a million pieces and then dipped in boiling acid.

On the second day, I just stayed outside of Rucker's room for hours until he finally came out. He pushed passed me like I was a nagging stranger on an NYC subway.

The way he looked at me reminded me of the way a murder victim's family might look at the killer — with hatred and disgust.

No one else blamed me for what I did. They said they understood, but I knew I fucked up. We could've all been dead if the killer didn't want to fuck with me.

This was the exact reason why I didn't let new people in because I do things differently than most people, and people didn't understand that. And they usually reacted by getting angry or showing pity or just leaving. So, I'd keep up the perfect persona, giving them what they think they wanted but never really doing so, protecting myself.

With my team, I did protect myself at first, but I slowly let them in. They didn't get full on Tini, but I let myself get vulnerable a tiny bit, and it got thrown back in my face. I deserved it, but I wasn't used to trusting people so easily. Even when my gut told me too.

I thought I could trust my mother, the woman who birthed me, yet she killed three of her other children. If I couldn't trust her, how could I trust a stranger so quickly? I couldn't. It wasn't in me to do that anymore. My trust had to be earned, but I should've told Rucker that off the bat before agreeing to be partners.

And now, it was my fault our team was broken up, and I didn't know how to fix it. We were supposed to be building our base, and now, we were all like floating pieces in the sea, drifting apart.

Everything just felt awkward now to me, so I retreated to my room and just stayed there, living off of ramen packets I stole from the kitchen and sink water.

I didn't want to see anyone. My mind just wanted to sink into the darkness that I created. I no longer had Tini, and I didn't even have Duke this time. I knew Khan would take care of him for me, but I missed him so much. His squeaky barks would've drowned out the voices I kept hearing in my head.

Betinia.

I kept hearing that voice over and over. I always thought someone was calling me, but what if it had always been in my head?

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