My heart kept pounding over my chest even after he walked out and I stayed a bit more to let what happened sink in on my already confused as hell mind.
My stomach kept turning about I didn't know if it was because I'm sick or was it just the familiar smell of his perfume still lingering under my nose it made me cling to somewhere for support as I felt close to passing out. He still smelled the same. Being enclosed within his arms for a short amount of time was exponentially fucking over my head again and again until I found myself thinking about it even after leaving the train to find Kyle.
My eyes found his figure near Calum and I wasn't about to cross another bridge after Luke that I stayed at the side of the room lined up with snacks and sees Michael with a cup full of sliced apples, dipping them over some chocolate fountain. I gathered his attention by grabbing a slice from his cup, taking him by surprise as he was close to reacting violently when he calmed after seeing it was just me. "Hey, you okay?" I nod once, dipping the same fruit under the fountain while my head was still half full of Luke Hemmings. "You don't look okay."
"Hey, Mike?" I called, eyes never moving from the way the chocolate drips down on and on and on... "Why is there a gash over Luke's arm?" It was beyond me how I was asking for something probably unrelated to anything whatsoever but when my eyes hovered over his arms, there was a questionable gash that worried me so much I had to ask how he got it.
Mike didn't answer for the first few minutes while we stood over the fountain. I finally gazed at him and he beheld a sullen face. And I was already regretting asking about it when he looked as though he couldn't tell. "It's okay, you don't have to—"
"August 19th, 2017." Two and a half years ago. "A week after—after..." I cleared my throat, bile threatening to come over me but I willed my hazy head to listen to whatever it was. "He was staying over because he didn't—wanna go home." Our... home. "Cal brought his new guitar over to cheer him up and distract him to make some new tunes but—but halfway, he just lashed out." Oh. "He gave himself a gash from a wood that flew over his arms. And he couldn't touch an instrument for so long or else he'll actually break it—shit—"
I ran. Even if Michael called for my name two times, I ran as far as I could until I reached the empty bathroom and spilled over what little of food I've had for the day, and hunched over the toilet, vomiting everything out even if it hurts my stomach and my chest for heaving too much. I didn't even notice—but there were tears over my cheeks as soon as I leaned over the door. I was crying, and my chest hurts so much I could hear it breaking over the deafening silence of the stall.
I've always known that heart break is a bitch of a pain. Heart break is what I felt when Luke walked out on me one time because I was too stubborn to admit I was wrong. Heart break is what I felt when I thought I was gonna lose him over not being with him on a year tour. Heart break is what I had felt as soon as I walked out of our door that day—but I didn't know heart break could break a man so much not even an instrument he loved with all his heart—not even that could save him from what happened.
I broke a man so deep it probably hurt him even more that I couldn't tell him why, and it was so hard keeping it in when all I ever wanted was to say everything.
But what good would that do to him? To me? To—us?
What good would that do to a man who already moved past the days he couldn't love the things he always have? I would only break him even more. And he doesn't deserve that.
But I do. I deserve this shit. I deserve to feel everything. A price to pay for the damage that I did to a man who deserves no less than the whole world.
I would give him the world—I still will—but not the truth.
Never the truth.
"Theo? Are you there? You okay?" A knock came over twice that I splashed some water on my face before facing Kyle wearing a frown across his forehead. "What the hell happened to you? Mike was calling for you but you keep on running. Is there a problem? Did he said something—" I laid a hand over his shoulders and sighed.
"I felt sick, that's all." He nodded, but he didn't look convinced and I didn't wanna have to prove myself. I feel so tired, my whole body aching and my eyes are already blurry. "Can you do me a favor? Tell Kat I really couldn't do this today."
"The hell you can't. You shouldn't! You look like shit." I rolled my eyes as he chuckled, "Go back to the hotel, will you? Get yourself some good rest. I can handle this." I nodded as he laid his arms and offered a hand so I could walk straightly instead of sporting a drunk man sprint. We crossed over from where I was before I ran, seeing the kids together with the band as Mike slouched down at them with a wide smile.
"I'm expecting all you guys to be best friends and start a band now." I bit my lip, my feet forcing me to stop as tears threatened to fall from my eyes. I didn't care if anyone would see. I just gotta savor the view some more before subjecting myself to a harsh reality that things aren't going to be like it was before.
Ashton's eyes found mine and he smiled at me softly before turning back to them, "Go befriend a girl, too. To balance out the testosterones—" Calum slammed his shoulders that Kyle pulled me away from the heart wrenching scene in front of me.
"It's gonna be okay, Theo." It won't be.
*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*
"Your vital signs are okay. You don't have to worry about anything, that I can assure you. It is not in its state of recurrence. It is just a flu." I was zoning out hard from the medicine the nurse gave me that I didn't catch most of the words my doctor said to me—but she was looking at me funny and I couldn't help be bothered about it.
"Yes?" I asked, tapping my fingers over the car door, ease flowing through my veins with her words saying, 'just a flu'.
"You don't have to overwork yourself, Theodora."
"Theo—and did you do something to your bangs? It's actually really good. Fit the whole face shape. Yeah." I retorted, not really in the mood to get my brain checked out by my doctor who is not—in fact—a psychiatrist, yet she often gave wisdoms and words that I wouldn't listen to because one, my head is still overfilled with information that course ache through my chest, and two, I was not in the mood.
"You don't have to keep denying that you're rushing going back into the world but knowing you for years, you've grown to be a heck of a fighter and I'm worried and proud of it." Here she goes again. "You don't have to push yourself too much, Theo. You probably didn't miss much and even then, you've got another chance at life. Why don't you live a little slower this time? Ride through it smoothly. You may never know what the future awaits."
Doom. The future is doomed, and I am eternally doomed. But today, it's just a flu so I'm only a quarter doomed. "Thanks, Dr. Everett." She smiled, "But no promises."
"I know." She sighed, "Tell your brother." I nodded as she closed all her files and handed her the check. She went all the way from home to here because upon getting back at the hotel and vomiting my wits about again, I had to call her and she rushed with an ambulance to where I was for our collective fear that something's wrong with me again. Ding dong, I was wrong and I freaked out the hotel manager for nothing when I was led out by a stretcher, up to a hospital where she discussed what happened to me before and made sure that nothing was going to happen again.
It was over dramatic but as complicated as it seemed, it was a new normal for me. All I've ever known were needles and blood and machines whirring about. Operations, medicines that I pretend was jellybeans, and crying at night wondering if I was going to disappear soon or not.
Dr. Everett was nice enough to drive me back to the hotel because I didn't really fancy gathering more attention than I already have, and besides, having anyone know about me being rolled in an ambulance was going to be a fucking nightmare.
"Theo." I froze, a voice never in a million years would I expect to call my name as careful as that ever again. I thought it was going to be just pure spite until lifetime but no—and my heart began to race as if it wasn't already at an unfathomable pace a while ago.
"C-Cal?" I couldn't even dare to look.
"Why were you in an ambulance?"
Shit.
*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*
does anyone still read a/n's?
well, i have a question for you.
would you still want a POV for
Luke once in a while?
Or keep it as a mystery?
Hmmmm...