ya'll are not gonna be ready for this surprise update. i swear.
*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*
*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*
I pulled my shit together until the final cut for the day yet I didn't know how much it took a toll on me when the very next day upon waking up on the hotel Kat and I shared, I found myself with a flu.
I couldn't bother Eric about it for he'll get so worked up and I couldn't tell Kat about it. She was counting on us to do our job because it was stressful enough as it is for everything to be moved so suddenly that I kept it to myself until—Kyle saw me and his frown tells a lot about how I currently looked like. "You're still going? Even if you're sick?" I was only a few degrees higher and a bit under the weather with a slight sore throat. I wasn't sniffing about or coughing anyway. I wouldn't get anyone sick around my proximity.
"I'm fine, Kyle. It's only half a day and we're almost done. I could get a lot of rest before we fly to Europe." He frowned, offering me his coffee instead that I accepted immediately. Filling me with warmth that I need as if I wasn't already bundled with a thick yellow jacket.
"Just don't move much, okay? I could get most of the content and we'll just be around the train if we need to." I nodded even if I was confused as to what he was talking about. I couldn't focus to save my life but I still rode the van bundled with another blanket, and left it as soon as we reached our next location.
It was a huge warehouse where there's different sets around, and I could now understand the train Kyle was talking about when I found the Red Rattlers on the other side of the equally humongous warehouse. They tied up the location and made it different each part and it felt as though I was on three different places at once. "Let's stick with the plan, alright? You get the kids, I get the band. That alright with you?"
"I'm on board with it. I get to film the tame ones." I winked, earning a chuckle from him as we parted ways, him to the direction of the band on the left side while I was with the kids on the side where there's big windows with natural light upon the set.
Hannah saw me and waved while he was briefing the voice, I waved back, clearing my throat and drinking some coffee before letting it go on the table and filming her with the lot of them. "This scene is going to be where you'll pretend to set up some equipment like in their music video. You'll be playing the instruments and you gotta look like you're all having fun playing together." Hannah fiddled on her ipad and I sat beside the Calum boy on the free space, greeting them at once before the director laid the iPad upfront and showed the music video she was talking about. "Watch this first then we'll get to positions later on, alright?" She passed it over to the Mikey kid and we all watched upon one of their music video six years ago—where I was—once again, present.
And it was my cue to leave before they realize it.
We were all connected in so many ways I lose count. I got invited to be in music videos, I got to be with them on tours, I even met some of their fans, and I even got the chance to meet some of the celebrities they know. It could've explained why Luke couldn't look me in the eye anymore. I was a part of his life in more ways than one and they were a part of mine. I was everywhere and anywhere.
Band posters. Photos in their social media. Music videos. And even on some of their band content from before.
I used to lie down on my bed before think just how big of a hole there would be in my life if they forgot about me. If they didn't treat me like their best friend anymore. I used to think when I was fifteen, about what I was gonna do with my life if they got famous and throw me away. It pains my chest even then, and the pain of it all was in my chest now. Never have I ever thought this day would come and my fifteen-year-old self would be so disappointed and broken hearted if she knew all her love for their friendship will soon go away.
Too soon.
I figured I could just apologize and make it up for Kyle on tour when I made a decision to climb aboard the Red Rattlers in an attempt to find a quiet solace. My vision was already circling the minute I sat down at the empty carriage. The old foam catching my weight before lying my head back on the seat and looking above the intricate wood designs of the interior. It was so old, and there was something nostalgic about old trains. We don't have much memories on one though. So, I couldn't really think of a reason why they included this but my mind was already hazy and beyond the efforts of comprehending anything.
My body was giving up on me again.
It used to freak me out whenever I was sick. I call the doctor even if it was just the flu. I call them in the middle of the night when I was covered in sweat, only it was just chills from the frightening dream I've had. Until one day, I stopped fearing for what's gonna happen to me when I found out I was already doomed after all of it. I couldn't find a reason to exist immediately after recovering from a disease. The psychiatrist said it was normal to not feel anything at first. To feel as though I've missed a large portion of my life. But she didn't understand that I did. That she thinks going back to my friends and apologizing for what I did was the easiest way to rid myself of regrets but it was not as easy as she said it to be.
It wasn't easy to stroll up in front of them and say with a straight face that I had cancer. That I chose keeping it from them because I thought I was going to die. And I didn't want them to be friends with a dying girl. I couldn't bear how that would felt and they didn't deserve the burden. It was mine to bear, mine to keep in my heart forever.
I played with fire and now it burned me.
There was no going back. I made a decision to keep it from them—from him even if it hurts to hell whatever it is that they think about me now, there was no other choice than to accept it.
Footsteps then bounded the carriage and my head tilted to level with who it was when to my surprise—speak of the devil and he shall appear. He looked surprised at first, his feet frozen at the floor I was so sure he'll turn back—but I was damn wrong.
He moved his eyes away from me and sat two aisles ahead of me. I could see now that he's wearing a gray suit. His curly hair lying just at the bare of his neck and he was looking down his phone. I could hear him breathe from the quiet comfort of the carriage, and no matter how much I try to ignore it, seeing him—being with him alone in such a small space brought ease and hurt altogether. Crashing, burning, pushing itself together I didn't know what to feel first.
I looked at his back and I wanted to smother him with hugs. With kisses that I miss. I wanted him to sing for me, I wanted to hold his hands while he does as he smiled at me. Blue eyes over mines, a love song through the air, and my life is complete. It was complete—ever since I met him. Ever since he said his first i love you, and even after a thousand times.
Yet my life was unfortunately destined for sorrows.
"Why'd you come back?" Is that his voice or was it my conscience talking to me? Wait... N-No... It was him. It was his voice. "Humor me."
My heart began to race. "I—I didn't come back for—"
"Why are you here with us then?" He sounded irritated and I was afraid to tread the burning questions. I've always known Luke whenever he was mad or annoyed. It was so hard to reason with him and the only time I could cool him down was when I hug him tight and tell him how much he means to me.
I guess it's out of the choices now. "I wouldn't come back if I knew." I said truthfully, knowing deep in my chest I wouldn't have chosen this if I knew I was gonna cross paths with them.
"Of course." He says, baffling me for a second if what I said was wrong when I realized it.
"You must think so low of me then?"
He huffed, seeing him shake his head a bit. "Why would I think of you?" Oh—that hurts like a bitch. "You left. You made it clear to forget you the minute you walked out of our—the door." I wanted to cry so bad. So, so bad.
"I have my reasons, Luke."
"Yeah? Was Vegas too good of a reason? Really?" I feel like he was implying more things I couldn't get on—but it felt bad. It felt like I was doing things I'd never do in a heartbeat.
"I'm not like that—"
"And you're not the type to leave either. But you did. So, that's that." My lips started quivering and if I don't leave now, I was going to look weak in front of him. And I couldn't afford that so I stood up even if I was still a bit hazy, and walked to the exit when he spoke again. "I supposed I deserve the why, don't you think?" Fuck. "So, why?" There was a tinge of desperation in his tone and I wanted to run. It was either that or tell the truth and it would come hell or high water before I choose the latter.
"I—I fell out of love. It happens." Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
He didn't answer, and I breathe in and out to compose myself before walking out when I was pushed on the wall, hands behind my back catching my weight before it could slam on the gap, and Luke Hemmings right in front of me with a face I couldn't fathom.
Anger, disappointment, or whatever it is. It was bad. He looked so mad and my heart couldn't race even more now that we're in—such position. I couldn't take it. I couldn't help but cower down.
"Bullshit."
*・。*゜・。・o゜・。*゜・。・o*゜・。・o*
and that's on periodt luv
thanks so much for almost 1.5k
istg u guys r the best!
this double update is bc of quarantine
i was bored out of my wits too.
stay safe and stay at home!
next update next week!