The songs I'll use for Heather's catalog will be linked if they are someone else's songs. If I can't find a song that matches the story I'll write it myself just like I did for the one in this chapter. It's the first time I try to write a song/poetry so please don't judge me ;) . Also I noticed I am having new readers from Germany, Belgium and Greece, and this story hit 1K views. I'm so happy about it. Enjoy
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"Hey where did your boyfriend go?" - Uncle asks as soon as I join them at the pool. Where did my boyfriend go? I don't know where he went but I kicked him out. I kept my calm while our argument went from Eminem to what a relationship consists of. We both tried to not say things we would regret. He tried to make me see his point of view and I kindly told him his point of view was not what I was looking for in a relationship. I then had asked him to leave. He made sure it wasn't a breakup and he left.
I had closed the door of my room cried and punched the pillows asked the figure of my mother in the picture why was I being so confused then pulled it together. I had freshened my face put on a black bikini, made a french braid out of my black curls, threw a robe over and a hat and turned back to enjoy the rest of the day. Am I a psychopath? Maybe I am, maybe I am just confused with whatever I am going through.
"He left. We argued." - I look at my dad to catch his reaction and its priceless.
"Why?" - my father asks.
"Because I don't feel like being told what to do by a boyfriend."
Suge laughs and I can tell by the way he hugs me and shoves me he is loving it.
"Ain't no one telling my niece what to do..." - he gives me a glass of champagne. Right, expect from all of you. I give him the cheekiest smile and take a sip of the bubbly drink while my father has his mouth pressed tight shaking his head in disapproval.
"Did you break up with him?" - My father asks while his girlfriend keeps playing with his gray hair.
"I never liked him anyway, he is white for God's sake." - Suge talks while I just walk away from them. I lie in one of the sunbeds opposite of where they are. I leave the glass of champagne in the table beside the sunbed together with the robe and spray some oil over my legs.
My father's girlfriend comes close to me and asks if she can lie in the other sunbed beside mine. I nod while I spread the oil over my legs and tummy to keep my skin hydrated. I'm not in the mood to be a bitch at her. She is kind enough to ask if I'm feeling okay. I say I am. She gives me one of those sympathetic looks you try to exactly avoid in this type of situation. I hold my tongue when I feel the urge to tell her off.
She starts telling me how my dad has been bragging about me to her. How she feels like she knows me already, how she doesn't want me to think she is taking my dad's attention from me, how she really loves my father for the man he is. She even tells me she worries about him that he has to take care of everything. I narrow my eyes at her. Did my father tell her about what happened in the office?
I tell her she has nothing to worry about, that he has been doing this all his life. He has been in charge of everything, starting from his job ending at my job.
I'm interrupted by my phone. The little envelope showing on the screen. I'm happy to open the text because I don't want to talk to her anymore, even if it's Marshall texting.
"What are you doing?"
"I am sunbathing and listening to my dad's girlfriend whine about how worried she is that my father has to take care of everything. " - I text right away like he is an old friend.
"That sounds more interesting than my life right now."
"bored in the studio?"
"Fuck yeah. Believe it or not I'd rather listen to ur fathers hoe, bitch about whatever she wants than be here right now. " - I roll my eyes when I read his response.
"You must be having fun there"
"Anyway, tell the bitch 2 stop bitching, ur father loves taking care of everything, even when it's none of his business." - I wince as I read his text. He didn't take long to go that way as I knew he would once I sent the text to him. But I thought about that when the text was already sent and I couldn't take it back.
I don't answer right away. I don't know what to tell him after that. I stare at the letters and type the buttons without forming an actual word.
"Whatever!" - I didn't have anything better to say to him.
"I'm serious, not trynna b rude or sth. I really think he controls the fuck out of you."
"That's not true." - I never felt controlled by my father before. Until today.
He didn't have to tell me how to do things. I would automatically do them how my father likes things done just to not disappoint him. So yeah maybe Marshall is right.
It's his time to text whatever now. But I don't think the reasons behind it are the same as mine. He probably didn't want to go in detail why he thinks my dad controls me. I sigh a little and rest my phone at the side of my body.
My dad's girlfriend is looking at me with pressed lips. She thinks Justin was texting me and I keep her in that lane. I'm not supposed to be talking or texting to Marshall Mathers so let her think it's Justin.
As I watch my father and my uncle talk with their drinks in one hand and their cigars in the other I feel sick to my stomach. How am I doubting my own father now? He is the best father someone can get. He cares about things. He has been proud of me always because I would never slip and do things he didn't like.
But lately, I did things he didn't like and I feel so weak and lost. In a minute I wanna do everything wrong, and the other one I just want to behave. I take my phone again and type some lyrics while I ask my father's girlfriend who's name I'm still not interested in knowing to find me a pen and paper.
"Since when I was born
I did what people told me
Did what my father said,
And tried to not disappoint him
Now everyone thinks they can
Control me
Never gonna stop - controlling
To get what they want - controlling
They like to have a lot of - controlling
Even now that I'm all grown up- controlling"
I copy the first part of the song on paper when the maid brings it to me. And while I scribble some random words to rhyme I think of another approach of control.
"I'm back in my room a 15 years old me
Working so hard on that piano, see
Daddy you wanna hear it again? what shall I do?
I wish I knew, I was just letting my fears to
Control me and get what I want
Control me it will never stop
Control me even now that I'm all grown up"
The last part comes naturally, I don't think much of it, I just write whatever comes in mind.
"Come with me,
let's dance around the life I have no control over
Come with me
Don't be afraid, this is a friendly takeover
Control me and get what you want
Control me and never stop
Control me even now that I'm all grown up"
I had the music playing in my head as I wrote the lyrics so before I would forget all about that I put my robe on and run to my dad's personal studio. I sit in front of the piano and start hitting the keys. It actually didn't turn up as I had imagined it in my head the first time. So I kept playing it until I came up with the right notes.
I write the notes on the other side of the paper because I'll not register any demo in my dad's studio. I don't want him to relate this song with the situation that went on today. After I play it a couple more times changing some minor things I take my piece of paper and get back in my room to hide it somewhere between my notebooks.
Nikolay is almost 24/7 with me. He never leaves the studio, he stays in front of my apartment when the day is over, he accompanies me to the grocery store, to the gym everywhere I go he is with me. I know my dad told him to be extra vigilante. Thank God I have not crossed paths with Marshall lately. I haven't talked to Justin since the day back at my dad's house, but I keep talking to someone I'm not supposed to.
At first he called about food. Asking where he can grab something fast. He kept the conversation going with his satiric comments but then we found ourselves talking about his daughter.
"She will be five this Christmas."
"That's so cute. You will change the way you talk about women soon." - I chortled thinking how man always change their way of thinking when it comes to their daughters.
"That's not going to happen. I'll keep talking the same way about them but no one is going to talk about my daughter."
"The double standard there." - I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me.
"You know I was so scared when she came. I was so scared I brought someone to life and had nothing figured out. I was so scared I would give her a life she didn't ask for." - His voice lowers a little and a serious tone is brought up.
"Yeah but look at you now, you are a successful rapper and now you can give her everything she asks for." - I tell him
"Yeah, at least I can give her that now." - he wants to say more but he doesn't. I want to ask why didn't he marry his baby momma but he will then think I'm interested so I decided against it.
Next time he called around 21:00. I take off from the living room where I was reading a book and my dad was going through some papers. He called to ask where he can get a haircut. I could tell him to go and ask Dre or other friends he has in LA or that he can't have a haircut at that time. But I felt flattered he thought of me to call for help so I keep my other comments to myself and suggest him Ricky's friend. asks how my album is going and I tell him about the song that I wrote that day. He begs me to sing it to him.
"But I haven't finished it yet." - I answered to him while I get in my room with the book in my other hand.
"Doesn't matter baby. C'mon let me hear it."
I cleared my throat and started singing it to him. Acapella. I couldn't tell if he was listening to me because the line was really quiet. When I was done he whistled and clapped as if he was attending a concert.
"Is that going with a piano? I can hear some piano in there." - said he after I chirped a thank you.
"That's what I thought originally. But I don't want it to be a sad song."
"But it is a sad song baby."
"The lyrics are... I mean it is but I want people to dance with it. It's like come on dance with my sadness."
"That's smart and even sadder." - his laugh is short- "What does your dad think about it?"
"I haven't shown it to him yet. He will probably hear it when the album is ready."
We stayed in silence for a while. Keeping each other in line as none of us was ready to call it off. I bite my bottom lip trying to think about something else to talk. I could feel my pulse against my skin as he breathed slowly at the other end.
"Don't feel nervous about it. Don't let him talk you out of it." - He spoke and I pushed a lock of curls back in my bun. I knew what he was trying to say.
"I just don't want to upset my father." - I puffed the words I have been burying deep down in my subconscious, all of my life, words I never said out loud because I didn't want that to be the reason for my behavior. Did I trust him? Probably not, but I felt relieved to say it out loud. Would he use it against me or my dad? Probably yes.
"Sometimes we oppress parts of our personality to please those who we think we need around us. And as a father myself I can't bring myself to think of the day my daughter won't need my hand to walk in life but she eventually will. She will make her own choices. Will she make mistakes? Yes she will, like all of us did, will I be upset at her? No I won't. You know why?"
"Why?" - I asked immediately even though it was a rhetorical question.
"Because she is my daughter, my blood, I will support her in whatever step she takes and if it's the wrong one she will learn from it and I will be there to give her the push she needs to keep going and find the right way in life."
"It is not the same. Maybe my father thinks and does what you are saying. It is just I haven't let myself do wrong."
"Because you are too scared, for whatever reason, you are too scared to do wrong in his eyes. You feel the need to be perfect. No one is perfect, man. And you are grown, you are legal you can do whatever you want, with your life... and career." - he adds just in case I would take what he said to personally. Before I open my mouth to talk he adds again "And he will be your father no matter what. You know what I'm sayin'"
"You will be a great father." - I blurt thinking how lucky his daughter is.
"And you are a great daughter. We as children get fucked up by our parents no matter what." - He chuckled a little.
"We do?" - I chuckled with him too thinking he was joking but then he keeps talking.
"Yeah man, the rich parents gave them too much and the poor parents gave too little. A lot of attention fucks kids up, not enough attention fucks kids up. U know?" - I don't know, I never thought about it like that.
When I was recording the song in the studio my dad happened to pass by and he stayed while I kept singing the song. I closed my eyes to forget he is standing there when I feel like I got busted. Once I sing the last part of the song the beat keeps going for another 10 seconds. I opened one eye and took a quick glance at my father. He was closer to the soundboard.
I took my time to get out of the booth almost afraid to be in the same room as my father. But I couldn't stay any longer in the booth and the worst thing that could happen he would say is a garbage of a song.
When I got out he looked up at me and said I should add some sound effects in particular parts. And as he explained them to me his long and refined fingers pushed some buttons on the soundboard. I wrote a couple more songs while he was playing with the sound.
The next days that came I didn't respond to Marshall calls. First because I missed his call then I started to feel like our conversations were becoming really common and he had a girlfriend and I was still in a relationship. On a break but still in a relationship. If Christina happened to know about these calls she could easily assume I was something more. I would think that if my boyfriend is talking every night on the phone with another girl about life, about fears, about stupid things. After two or three calls he stopped trying.
That was a busy week. I had no time to meet Blair so once I had time after almost seven days since the last time we went out together, she invited me to an NBA game. Her ex who probably isn't her ex anymore gave her tickets.
So after being done at the studio I hop at the passenger seat of my car and Nikolay takes off. I have to change and I'm thinking of straightening my hair. During the ride I make small talk with Nikolay asking about his wife and his son. He looks funny driving my pastel pink 1960 Eldorado Cadillac.
Once I'm home I tell him what time the game is and run up the stairs to get ready. I take a shower first and after blow-drying the hair I start straightening it. I honestly think washing it again when my arms hurt in midway. I call one of the maids to finish the rest because with the pace I was going I would be at the game when it's finished.
Thinking of a simple outfit I start with the make-up while she goes over my curls with the straightener. I brush my eyebrows then put on a light yellow eyeshadow. Once my hair is all straight I apply a sky blue eyeliner and then put on mascara. I go for gloss for the lips and then call Blair to ask if she is ready.
"I'm not ready yet. I don't know if I should wear a dress or a denim skirt."
"I'm planning to wear plain jeans."
"Skirt it is then. Go, I have to finish my make up."
"Don't go over the top."
"Bitch, I'm going to see my ex, of course, I'll go over the top."
"Bye!" - I laugh and hang up at her.
I go in my closet taking off my shower robe and search for the oversized jeans I head in mind since the beginning. I put them on when I find them then I search for a top I knew I had somewhere. I never had the chance to wear it. It's a silky printed top from Christian Dior, it's white and the print has blue and gold in it. It features a halterneck and I have to knot it in the back. I pair the outfit with a pair of blue strappy sandals. I put on a pair of gold hoop earrings and brush again my black hair.
While I wait for Blair to call me to get on the way I send Justin a message informing him I'll be on the Lakers game just in case. He calls immediately as if he had been waiting for my text. He asks with whom I'm going to be and I tell him about Blair and her ex. After that he asks if we can meet tomorrow. I agree to meet him after being done at the studio. At that point I get him off the phone to clean the line for Blair.
Once she calls I tell Nikolay to get the car out. He doesn't bring my pink car this time he brings my dad's Lincoln car and once I'm inside with the seat-belt across my body he takes off. I will meet Blair there. Vlad will be coming with us too, according to Nikolay he can't keep an eye on me and on Blair at the same time. I roll my eyes at him.
When we arrive at the Staples Center the majority of NBA fans are already inside. Vlad get's out of the car and holds the door open for me. The paparazzi is quick to notice so I try to keep a cute face and walk after Vlad when he clears the path for me. Nikolay takes off to park the car.
I notice Blair already on our seats. She already has a drink in her hand and looks beautiful. She is talking to someone I don't know and when she notices me she cheers and waves at me getting in her feet. I walk at her laughing at her energy.
"You look great!" - I beam and hug her. Vlad coming behind me.
"I tried!" - She flips her hair and spins for me. I smile big looking at her, glowing. I take the seat next to her while Vlad takes the one next to me. I place my bag between myself and Vlad while she gives me a cup and I smell it.
"It's lemonade bitch don't smell it." - She nudges me and drinks from her cup.
As we wait for the game to start we chatter about her and her ex and Justin too. She explains to me how she thinks she is not over him yet so as long as he begs her to get back she might also try. But she doesn't give me the best vibe when I tell her I'll meet Justin tomorrow.
Nikolay takes the seat next to Vlad when the game is about to begin. Blair stands up when the Lakers players come on court. I stand up too and applause like all of their fans.
"I can play the cupid tonight for you. If you like any of the players tell me and I can set you up." - She yells in my ear over the loud cheers.
"I have a boyfriend!" - I shout back at her and laugh at her eye roll.
I drink my lemonade while she drinks her beer and cheers her boyfriend up. We both boo at the other team whenever they score and Blair keeps pointing at the players showing them to me.
"Look at him, he can easily shove you to the bed." - she talks at my ear covering her mouth from the cameras with her hand talking about one of the Lakers players.
"He can easily kill me." - I laugh and she gives me her "that's the point" look.
Just as her boyfriend scores again the referee calls the half-time. He walks over at us and gives her a kiss in the mouth. Then comes for a hug but I put my hands in front of me when I see him all sweaty.
"What's up Aitch!"
"Hey Devean!" - I smile at him while he gives Blair another kiss and takes off.
Vlad gets food for all of us and while we wait for the halftime to be over I notice Christina at the other side of court. I cover my mouth with my hand while I chew and take a quick glance over the line where she is, unconsciously looking for Marshall. I don't see him, but I mentally slap myself for thinking of him immediately.
After the game Devean invites us at the party one of the players will be throwing for winning. This time I don't play the party-pooper and nod at his invitation. He gives us the address and asks Blair to drive with me because he will take some time to be ready as he needs to shower and change.
As Blair and I are about to get to the car when Nikolay brings it over Christina waves at me. I keep walking acting like I didn't see her, but she yells my name. I stop mid way with Vlad keeping the paparazzi away from me. Her security is struggling to keep her way clear.
"Heather, I legit didn't see you in there." - She gives me the most fake hug I have ever received. This is why I'm not friends with anyone in the industry. They secretly hate you and act like they can say hi whenever they see you just because you both sing. I hug her back just so the media doesn't create any negative story about this.
"I didn't see you neither. I thought you were on tour." - I smile big just like she is.
"I literally came back today." - she moves her hand in the air and pushes her blond hair in her back. "Are you going at the party?"
"Yeah, Devean invited us." - I notice Nikolay next to Vlad and her security, pushing people away.
"Cool, I'll see you there then." - She gives me a kiss in the cheek and I take Blair's hand to get in the car.
Once we take off I blow some of the air I was keeping from all the fake acting I was doing out there. Blair looks at me but when he notices Nikolay looking over at us from the rear mirror she just holds my hand and tells Vlad to put on some music.