*Time set: 2009*
Holy shit, seemed to be the only thing going through Phil's brain. Over and over and over again. He was so concentrated on the fact that he was freaking out that he couldn't even speak to Dan- who had just asked him a question. What had he asked? Oh yeah. Dan had asked to make sure that Phil's favorite color was indeed blue.
"Yeah, it's blue," Phil finally answered. Dan rambled on but Phil's mind was still set in overdrive.
Why was it set in overdrive? Well, it wasn't the fact that his favorite color was blue. It wasn't the fact that Dan remembered, either. Phil had told Dan his favorite color on one of the first days they started talking- which had been a long time ago- but although it was surprising that he remembered, it wasn't what made Phil panic. What made Phil panic was what came after the fact that Dan remembered. All of the sudden it was very clear to Phil that he and Dan remembered little things about each other.
Phil remembered the time that Dan had told him that he didn't like being alone. It was a small moment when he was ranting about his parents ditching him and Phil made a small mental note that although Dan was used to being alone, he hated it.
Phil remembered the time that Dan had bashfully and quietly mentioned that he loved be affectionate, but he didn't like to make the first move. Now Phil made an extra effort to hold Dan's hands and give him kisses on the cheek- partly because he knew Dan liked it and partly because he loved to see the blush crawl up his neck.
It was little stuff like that that made Phil realize that he was in love with Dan. And there it was. Holy shit: he was in love with Dan Howell.
While Dan was rambling about something, Phil couldn't even listen because there was a war going on inside his mind. He had to tell Dan, but he was so nervous that he couldn't even find it in himself to interrupt his boyfriend's discussion on why the sky was blue instead of a different color. (Of course, he had explained the pigmentation to Phil a hundred times, but he still liked to talk about a hypothetical green sky every once and a while.)
"Hey, Dan?" Phil surprised himself. He had been working up the courage to say something for a few minutes now and honestly didn't think words would ever fall out of his mouth.
Dan stopped talking almost immediately once he saw the nervous look on Phil's face. "Yeah?" He asked curiously. He studied Phil's face and watched the paleness turn a light shade of pink. Phil took a deep breath.
"So... um... we have been dating a little while now..." Phil started. Dan waited patiently on what Phil could possibly be on about. "And after getting to know you both as a friend and a boyfriend... I've realized something," Phil stated.
"You've realized something?" Dan raised an eyebrow. Phil just nodded. "What is that?" Phil swallowed one more time. He was going to tell Dan. Right here. Right now.
"I've realized that I lo-" Before Phil could finish his sentence, Dan smashed his lips against Phil's. The way Dan kissed him had so much passion, he couldn't even find it in his mind to do anything but kiss him back. It wasn't long before the kisses were heated and so damn intense that Dan was climbing on Phil's lap and they barely got to the bedroom before they were ripping each other's clothes off.
Needless to say, Phil was far more distracted by Dan than the fact that he hadn't even really said what he wanted to say. Sure, he had started saying it and Dan probably knew what he was saying, but he hadn't actually said it.
"What are you doing? Fucking dork," Dan mumbled next to him when he woke up. While Phil was waiting for Dan to wake up, he spent the morning playing with his fingers and running his hands lightly through the curls that now sat upon his head.
"Just admiring you." Phil grinned. Dan rolled his eyes, but he didn't stop Phil's wandering hands. They sat like that for a little while, content with each other's company while it lasted.
It wasn't long before the silence made Phil think about the night before. He figured that Dan was all excited about the fact that Phil loved him, so he just kissed him- not letting him finish or say it back.
Phil looked Dan in the eyes, ready to actually say it. "As I was saying last night before you oh so rudely interrupted me-"
"Rudely?" Dan smirked. "You didn't seem to think it was rude last night when you let it escalate," Dan teased.
"Okay, fine," Phil smirked. "I guess it wasn't rude." He gave in.
"Exactly." Dan muttered. He slid his hand over to Phil's and held it.
They sat for a long time, staring into each other's eyes... tracing each other's skin... Phil felt the words he wanted to say bubbling out of him yet again. "Dan... about last night... I just wanted to tell you that I-"
Dan interrupted him again. This time it wasn't a passionate kiss. In fact, it barely pushed pass more than a peck- just their lips fitting seamlessly together. Dan pulled away with a smile and then hopped out of bed. "I'm starving. Let's go get some breakfast." He threw on a pair of boxers and one of Phil's shirts and then sped out of the room.
Phil was left confused. He was left again not able to actually tell Dan he wondered. At first he figured that Dan was excited and just wanted to show that he loved him back, but now he wondered if that wasn't it. Did Dan know what Phil was trying to say? Dan had to know. They had been together for a while and what other important statement started with I lo-?
He decided he would confront Dan about it after breakfast. They spent the time before that making it together (with a slight food fight)- making a mess of the kitchen and themselves. Although, the lazy make out sessions covered in flour totally made up for the time they would have to spend cleaning.
After they ate their food and cleaned up, Phil was ready and determined. "Dan?" He asked again. He prayed that Dan was actually going to let him say it because even though he was sure Dan knew, he still needed to get it out in the open. "Sorry to keep mentioning last night, but I just really wanted to tell you that-"
"Yeah, speaking of last night, I could use a shower." Dan stood up from where they were sitting on the sofa. Dan kissed Phil lightly and then walked away.
Which left Phil even more confused. But sitting there gave him things to think about and eventually he figured out what it could be. He wondered if maybe Dan wasn't ready to say that he loved Phil and felt pressured to say it back. So, upon thinking this, the next time Dan spoke to Phil, he asked Dan if he ever felt pressured by Phil. He expected Dan to open up and talk about how he was scared to tell Phil and wasn't ready but Phil was ready and that meant Dan had to be. And then Phil would tell him that he could say it whenever he felt like it and then he would say it and it would all be better.
Instead, he asked Dan, Dan went, "no, not really," shrugged, and then sat on his phone like the conversation hadn't had any affect on him. Which in reality, now that Phil thought about it, it probably hadn't because they didn't have much of a conversation. But, when Phil tried again to mention that he loved Dan, Dan seemed completely up for conversation- talking about a bunch of random things that Phil didn't want to talk about (or at least not at that moment).
Throughout the day the situation stayed the same. They would be doing something- whether it was cuddling or playing Mariokart- and Phil always got the urge to tell Dan. But each time, Dan interrupted him. He would either change the subject, give him a kiss (which ranged from no energy to straight out needy and lustful), or him making an excuse to leave the room.
Finally, after about the tenth time Phil had tried to say it with interruption, Phil had had enough. He sat Dan down on the couch next to him and looked him in the eyes with- what he hoped was- a stern look. It must've been, because Dan immediately swallowed and turned away- his face turning red.
"Why won't you let me say it?" Phil asked exasperatedly.
"Say what?" Dan tried to make his voice calm and laid back, but it came out pinched and awkward.
"That I l-" And, there it was again. Dan stopped him. This time Dan went for straightforward shutting up and just clamped his hand over Phil's mouth.
Phil tried to keep his stern look at Dan, but there were tears in Dan's eyes that Phil couldn't even try to ignore. Phil's looked deflated and he tried his best to keep his features gentle, but there wasn't much he could do with the position they were in. Eventually, Dan sighed and dropped his hand.
"Please don't," Dan whispered.
"Don't say it?" Phil wondered. "Do you know what I'm trying to say?" Dan nodded like he understood, but the look on his face made Phil wonder if he even wanted to. "Why do you not want me to say it?" Phil said quietly. Dan just shook his head like he couldn't manage to bring up words. "Do you not feel the same way?"
"Phil, it's... it's hard to explain." Phil's heart clenched. This was it. This was what Phil was really scared of. Dan didn't love him back.
"I just wanted you to know that I felt that way. You don't have to say it back if you're not ready," Phil pushed past the tightness in his throat. Sure, he had a slight suspicion that Dan might not love him, but he didn't think it was true.
"It's not that," Dan looked so guilty it hurt Phil. He needed Dan to know that it wasn't his fault for not wanting to say it back.
"If you don't love me back that's fine. And I don't want you to think that you have to say it or anything-"
"Phil, stop. That's not what I'm saying." Phil stared at him. He was clueless and felt like he was being shut out.
"What are you saying?" Phil was starting to get stressed out. He just wanted to know. If Dan didn't feel the same way then they would deal with that, but Phil just wanted to know.
"It's just... you won't understand," Dan avoided his gaze. He looked so worried. He was biting his lip, his fingers were in fists, and there were traces of tears in his eyes.
Phil got even closer to Dan and lightly held his hand. Dan looked up."Make me understand," Phil begged gently.
"You don't understand because your parents aren't my parents." Phil frowned, wondering what either of their parents had to do with anything. "My parents got together when they were teens and said the words 'I love you' almost immediately. Then they ended up having me and then they were stuck with me and a relationship they didn't want anymore."
"Why would that matter?" Phil wondered. Dan sighed and let go of Phil's hands.
"This is what I'm saying. You don't understand because your parents didn't spend their lives fighting. You're close with your parents, I'm not. You grew up believing in love, I..." Dan trialed off, the tears in his eyes getting worse.
"You don't believe in love," Phil connected the dots. Dan quickly wiped the tears out of his eyes.
"I don't know!" He cried. "All my life I told myself that love is stupid and I would be stupid to fall in love because love never ends up being how people want it," Dan focused his eyes on Phil. "But then I met you."
Phil's heart rate sped up. So, he was wrong again. Dan did love him. He loved him so much that he was able to believe in the whole concept of love despite his parents showing him that it couldn't be true. Phil suddenly grinned at him. "So, you're in l-" Dan clamped a hand over his mouth again.
"But I can't let you say it. I can't. Because that would mean that you feel the same way and if you can fall in love that means you can fall out of love and I can't..." Dan's voice cracked. "I can't lose you." Dan whispered. "I can't bare the thought of you looking into my eyes one day and thinking that they aren't more than just brown- just like everybody else sees them. I don't want you to regret saying it when the pain of breaking up with me is too much to bare and then you would stay with me just so neither of our hearts would break."
Dan said it all so confidently that it sounded like he already knew the future. It made it seem like he had been through this before and it sounded like he refused to do it again.
"Dan," Phil said slowly. Dan looked at Phil- defeated. "I love you." He said it. He actually said it. And Dan didn't interrupt him. Dan knew what he was going to say and he let Phil say it. "I will always love you," Phil promised.
"Phil, you can't just..." Tears were falling from his eyes now. "You can't just say that. We're young, so there is no way your guaranteed to make that promise. If you make that promise that means you'll be forced to love me down the road."
"I will never be forced to love you."
"But how do you know?" Dan's voice wavered and his tears were falling fast.
"Because I could never look into your eyes and see anything but home. I will never worry about breaking up with you because I could never fall out of love with you." Dan just shook his head and before he could ask how Phil new, Phil was ready to respond. "I could never not love you because loving you is the easiest thing I've ever done."
Dan finally gave up and fell into Phil's arms. Crying out the words, "I don't deserve you," over and over because he felt it was true. This guy loved him with every fiber of his being and Dan couldn't even say it back.
"Yes you do," Phil reassured him, rubbing his back gently. "You deserve everything you've ever wanted."
Dan pulled away and glared at Phil. "Why are you so good to me?" He begged Phil just to say something logical. Like the fact that he pitied Dan or because Dan was so young.
But instead, Phil grinned and said: "Because I love you, Dan."
Dan's heart swelled. He didn't understand it. He couldn't understand it. He had done nothing but interrupted him and irritated this man for the past two days. He had gotten upset with him for being in love and yet, Phil still felt the same as he had the day before. And by the look in his eyes- that adoration that always seemed to linger- was there and seemed to be even more prominent than usual- as if Phil had fallen in love all over again.
Dan was scared of love. Almost more scared of love than he was scared of what happened after death. And yet, he had never felt more safe with Phil than he had in his entire life. That could only mean one thing. "I love you, too."