"Hey!" My mom hugged me as soon as she got in the car. Trevante and my grandmother headed into the penthouse, greeting her on their way in.
"Hey Mom!" I smiled holding our embrace a little longer. "How's your day been. I heard your interview with Angie that was so sweet of you to say." She cheesed as she let the driver know we were ready to go. "It was good, none of the interviewers were annoying like I thought they would be. And I got to meet some fans everywhere I went today so I'm in good spirits." I answered with a smile.
"That's good! Lovely said you wanted a private dinner?" She rose her eyebrow. I sighed nodding. "Yeah, I feel like I shut you out a lot and I don't mean to so I want to just lay everything out with you so there aren't anymore secrets." I scratched the top of my head anxiously.
"Okay, and everything I mean everything Noel. Don't leave anything out." She squeezed my hand. "I promise." I smiled small.
//
"Just two waters please." My mom told the waiter. "Can you add lemon too." I told him. "Right up." He wrote it down and exited the room. Lovely got us a private dining room separate for the whole restaurant. I didn't really mind the show cameras there though because I needed to get everything out and I actually want people to see this part of me.
"So I have a question for you." She grabbed my attention. "Go ahead." I relaxed in my seat. "Do you think of me as a good mother? Besides loving me unconditionally do you wish you had better support from me growing up?" She asked. I shook my head.
"You're the best mom I could have. You were young when you had me and a lot was going on while I was younger. Then Papa died and I couldn't have asked you to be there when he was your dad too. Then the sextape and Reggie, there isn't anything I blame you for because shit happens." I explained.
"Mom, everything that I've gone through has made me stronger. I just want to tell you everything so we're back on the same page." I said as the waiter came back with our waters.
"Would you like to order?" He asked. "Yes, can we both get the chicken alfredo." She handed him our menus. "Yes ma'm." He smiled writing on his pad and grabbing the menus. "I'll be back shortly." He said exiting again.
"Um.. I guess I'll start by saying that when Papa died I didn't know how to deal with it. I mean I knew he was dying but I thought he was going to get better then he didn't." I paused. "Everyone was trying to help but there wasn't really anything anyone could do to make me feel better. I had just lost my best friend you know?" I cleared my throat.
"I never wanted you to go through that. I noticed you holing yourself off in your room but I didn't think anything of it but now I know I should have checked on you more." She said softly. I sighed. "Cutting myself brought me peace in the middle of the madness. I knew after a few months that it was dangerous but I became addicted to it." I sniffled feeling myself getting emotional.
"One day I was over Lovely's and I had just got back from school. It was such a hard day for me that day and I just started cutting everywhere on my body. On my legs and my arms but I cut way too much and I was slowly dying on her bathroom floor. At least that's what it felt like. Nobody was home yet so I couldn't call out to anyone. So I sat for about thirty minutes when Ken and Kyl came home. I yelled for them until they got upstairs. I still hate that I put them through that to this day. Her and Kyls took me to the hospital with the help of some of the producers we got there in time. That is also the first time Damian came out. He didn't trust anyone besides Kylie and Kendall and wouldn't talk to anyone except them." I rattled off. "
I had enough money saved up to cover all of the cost I just had to see my school counselor which is why I stayed for school later that year and why you never found out." I told her in full.
She had tears rolling down her face as I breathed heavily. "I'm sorry." I apologized quickly. She shook her head. "What if you had died Noel?" She squeaked. I stayed silent looking down at my hands. "I wanted to die mom. I wished I had -" "Noel." She choked on her tears.
"Mom-" "No, you don't get it! As a mother I couldn't have handled that pain. I know I'm making this about me but I can't listen to my baby boy talk about wanting to die. I just -" She waved me off trying to calm herself down.
"I can't lose you Noel. I can't." She calmed herself after a minute. I nodded silently wiping my tears. "I know." I said quietly. "Is Damian here always?" She asked.
"Yeah, he's like my conscience but a little more than that." I answered. "I met him yesterday if you didn't know. He let me know that you were hurting." She told me. I breathed deeply. "Before we get into that, I need to tell you about the second time Dame came out. It's connected to what he's talking about." I sighed.
As I was about to start the waiter came back interrupting us.
"Here are your meals. Just let me know if there is anything else I can get you." The boy sat our plates in front of us. "Thank you." I smiled at him despite the circumstances. "My pleasure." He winked and then exited the room again.
"So I think you know me and Vic went through this weird phase while I was in high school and he was around the house a lot then he wasn't then he popped back up again." I spoke after eating a bit. She nodded wanting me to continue.
"Um, me and Vic were more than friends. He was my first everything actually." I avoided her eyes but I felt my emotions getting the best of me. I had just said that to my mom. I clenched my jaw willing tears not to drop.
"He loved me more than he loved himself at one point and he wanted to be with me publicly. But I was young and I was well still finding myself. He just couldn't understand that." I lost the game of holding in my tears as I was having flashbacks of the night I was going to speak of.
"We were at his place and we were having the same argument for the thousandth time and he hit me. After the first hit Damian took over. He beat Vic to a pulp and told him never to touch me again. We made up after that but we had to break up. We both knew it which is why he went away for a little while." I finished pushing all of the bad thoughts away from me.
"Mom, I'm gay." I told her boldly not wanting to chicken out if I'd waited. "I've been keeping that a secret since I was 14 and I'm 20 now telling you because I think I found who I want to be with and I don't want to not be able to talk to you about him because I'm caging myself in." I wiped along my cheeks. She smiled moving out of her seat to pull me up. She hugged me not caring about the height difference at all.
"I love you." She said after a minute. I don't know why that made me cry harder but I cried like a baby. She tried the best she could to wipe my tears but she was multitasking trying to dry hers tears as well.
"Do you know how long I've been waiting for you to tell me that?" She giggled through her tears. I laughed softly nodding as I sniffled hugging her a little longer. "Nothing changed right? You're still my son and I love you just the same. Okay?" She smiled at me. I nodded as she wipe remaining tears from my face.
"Feel better?" She rubbed my back. "Yeah, a lot." I held her chair out for her to sit again. "So tell me about this boy. Who is he?" She asked as soon as I sat. I laughed shaking my head. "You know him already." I smirked. "Wait! It's Trevante?" She gasped. "Yeah, don't worry it's still new so you didn't miss out on anything major." I started eating again.
"So what made you want to go public with him?" She asked. I shrugged. "He just makes me feel safe if that makes sense. I just know that we'll be okay when we come out." I said with a smile. "You do know I have to meet him formally now right? Me and your dad." She looked at me pointedly.
"Wouldn't think any differently. Trust me you'll love him." I laughed softly. "I know I will for some reason you have better taste than any of us." She complemented. "As for Vic do we need to put a restraining order against him?" She asked. "No, he actually was the one that found me when I disappeared. We're cool now trust me." I told her. "Was Jaden a thing or was it just a disagreement?" She followed up finishing her meal.
"Yeah, well no. I was in love with him for years but he wasn't. Then he said he was but I wasn't interested in him. That's why he punched me. We aren't talking at all though, that's something that's dead." I told her matter of fact. "I'll text your dad and tell him then." She noted.
For the rest of the night I felt free in a sense. It was just like when I was a kid again. I could talk to her about anything under the moon and she listened intently asking questions as she went.
There was no fear anymore.
//