Author's Note: I realized as I wrote a bunch of these one shots that a lot of you readers have depression or other mental illnesses. I just wanted to make this chapter dedicated to a lot of you guys. This chapter is sort of like my view on depression. They might be completely wrong and you might not believe what I say, but this is just what I would like some readers to know I guess. So, please, if you have a mental illness, stick around. (I completely understand if not)
Trigger Warning: talks about depression
*Phil's point of view*
"Come on, Dan," I said gently. "Let me in," I begged. I knocked again. I knew something was off with him. He didn't sleep all night, he didn't eat at all and didn't come out of his room unless he was grabbing a bowl. I knew Dan like the back of my hand, this was one of his bad days. He refused to talk to me though. I texted him a few times asking if he need anything, but he didn't respond. I tried calling, but that went to voicemail. I had finally given up and went to our room, but the door happened to be locked.
"Please?" I pleaded with him and rested my head against the door. After a few moments I heard some shuffling and the door opened. He looked awful. There were bags under his eyes that were almost purple. His eyes themselves looked so tired and dull. His hair was just a mess on top of his head and his face looked pale and clammy. He looked at me and wiped a few tears off of his face.
"I'm sorry," His voice was almost gone. It was raspy and so quiet it was barely above a whisper. I tilted my head at him and gave him a questioning look. "I should've answered your texts and calls and I didn't... but I should've. I just... I didn't..." Tears were welling up in his eyes again so I immediately pulled him down into a hug. I wrapped my around his shoulders and he laid his head on mine, nuzzling into my neck. He wrapped his arms around my torso and grabbed my shirt with his fists. He took a shaky exhale as the tears streamed down his face.
"It's alright, Dan," I whispered as I pulled him closer. "You opened the door for me... you let me in eventually... so it's fine, Bear." I carded my fingers through his hair. He seemed to squeeze me tighter after I said that. He pulled back and tears welled up in his eyes again.
"I got your neck all wet," He sighed and wiped his face again. It made me a little sad to see Dan like this. He always blamed himself for every little thing that was a mild inconvenience. I just wanted him to be okay, I don't care about my neck being wet.
"It's, whatever." I wiped it off with my sleeve and then brought it to his line of vision. "See, came off right away." I smiled at him, he nodded and looked down at his feet again. "Want to go to the kitchen for a little bit?" I asked, he frowned. "You haven't eaten all day. Let's go get you some toast or something." I grabbed his hands and ran my fingers over his.
"I can take care of myself, you know," Dan muttered. "I'm twenty seven, not five." He looked at me and raised his eyebrows slightly.
"I know you can, but let me take care of you." I pulled him out the door slightly. "Just until you're feeling better." I walked him out the doorway and he reluctantly followed.
"Everything tastes like shit, though," Dan sighed as I popped the bread into the toaster. "And I'm probably just gonna throw it up anyway," He said glumly. I took the hot toast and put it on the plate in front of him.
"Just way those two slices and that's it, can you do that for me?" I smiled at him, he rolled his eyes. "It's good for you to eat something," I urged him. He reluctantly took a bite which made me internally cheer. "And toast stays down, it's what I eat when I have migraines," I explained he nodded and kept eating, I got him to drink some water, too. By the time he was finished he looked ten times better.
Eventually we made it back to our bedroom. Dan frowned as I got into comfy clothes and laid in bed with him. "You're staying?" His voice cracked when he asked. I figured it was from him crying and throwing up. I pulled him to my chest and laid my head on top of his.
"Of course I'm staying," I said into his hair. He slept better with me there and I knew it. It wasn't definite, but if I stayed there maybe he would fall asleep- he needed it. "Why wouldn't I?" I whispered.
"'Cause we have so much to do. We have to film that video and edit that other video. We should also get started on organizing our merch... plus we need to start coming up with ideas for the calendar-" Dan went on and on.
"No we don't." I carded my fingers through his hair. He started talking again but I interrupted him. "Dan, we don't need to do anything. Our viewers can wait a few more days. I'm sure they would much rather watch a video knowing that you're up to it and feeling good than watching a video where you're not," I said gently.
"But we could be getting so much done today. And you laying here isn't gonna help you. You probably have stuff to do, too." I opened my mouth to deny this but this time Dan interrupted me. "All we're doing is sitting here," Dan muttered angrily. "And I'm wasting your time because all I can do is sit here and feel sorry for myself when I should just wake up and realize that I have a great life and I don't need to feel worthless. This whole day is just bullshit." My grip tightened around him.
I hated depression. I hated that there was a person that was so beautiful and kind and sweet hearted and happy, but for some God-awful reason the world took a look at them and just went nah. The world seeped it's way into their mind and just turned everything they were happy about and replaced it with dread and sadness. It pissed me off that the world did so much awful shit to them that they didn't even feel right to be breathing. That's the most fucked up thing in the world. And the worst part was that they blamed themselves.
I just didn't get it. I didn't get why it existed. What fucked up thing just made it exist. Whoever it was I wanted to rip their damn throat out. All I wanted to do was help but I couldn't. There was nothing I could say that would make Dan feel better and it killed me. I just wanted to hug him and kiss him. I just wanted him to know that it was okay. There was no problem with laying in a bed all day. There were things to be done but oh well! We had our whole lives ahead of us we could do it some other time.
"Phil?" Dan asked suddenly. I raised my eyebrows at him. "You got really quiet," He whispered. I sighed. What was I supposed to say? He wouldn't believe me. I knew he wouldn't believe me.
"It's not your fault, Dan," I said sternly. I heard him let out a huff next to me. I'm sure the main thing on his mind was that it was his fault and I just didn't understand that. That made me want to scream because it was true, I really didn't understand. I had no idea what was going on his head and I never truly could. I wasn't Dan and I didn't have depression. Nothing I will say will be right, but I was still going to try. If I could even help Dan a little tiny tiny bit, then I was gonna.
"Sit up," I whispered. I sat against the headboard and pulled him on my lap. "Look at me." I looked into his eyes, but he just looked away. I grabbed his jaw and made him look at me, he tilted his head and narrowed his eyes. I wanted more than anything to connect our lips so hard they would bruise. I wanted to show Dan how much I loved him, but that wouldn't do anything. He already knew how much I love him, he knew I loved him more than anything and that's one of the reasons he felt so bad. He felt like he was being unappreciative and because every once and a while he couldn't give me the same amount of love and couldn't enjoy it every moment. I think that's what made him upset. I laid my forehead against his.
"We have no reason to get up, Dan. You can sit here all day. If you get up you're just going to feel so much worse," I whispered as I held his cheeks in my hand. "You get... no you deserve to lay here all day. You are sick. When a player breaks their leg they take a while off. They let it heal and come back. And no one blames them, they blame the injury, 'cause it's not their fault they got hurt. They wait for it to heal and then get excited when they're back. No one- except for absolute jerks- will be upset that you didn't make a video today, so just lay here. All day, that's it. Okay?" I whispered. Dan started tearing up, a tear even fell down his cheek. After a few moments of thinking he nodded along to my words.
"And of course I'm gonna lay here with you. Because I love you, Dan. I love you so much. It's so sad to see you like this... to think... you think you aren't everything when you are. To think that you think you aren't appreciating me because you're having a really bad day... Dan I know you love me. You can't show it right now and that's fine because I know you do. So, please, just lay down with me. Just for today," I begged. He sighed and nodded again.
He pulled me in for a deep hug and I hugged him back. I slowly laid us down back on the bed- never letting go. I kissed him on the forehead and anywhere else my lips could reach at that moment.
"Phil-" Dan's voice cracked. I shushed him and pulled him as close as could be. "Thanks," He choked out.
"Of course." It wasn't long before Dan fell asleep. I smiled to myself. I probably didn't do much, depression was as thick and huge wall-similar to the Great Wall of China. I would like to say that I'm helping break it down. It will take a while but I was helping one tiny brick at a time.