When Dan was ten years old, he was told to write a note to himself. His teacher told him that he would give it to his mother in hopes that she would give it to Dan in fifteen years. So, Dan wrote down everything he could think of. He wrote down questions, hope, dreams, anything he wanted future Dan to know. Dan was excited to give the letter to his mum. He told her all about how he wondered what would happen to him as he got older.
She took the letter with a smile and promised him she would give it to him. She knew she couldn't give her son everything he wanted, but this... this was something she could do. So, she kept it in a keep-safe box. She didn't know what was in it, but she knew it wasn't her business. So she did her job. She kept it safe for years for when Dan would want it back. She kept it for so long that they both forgot about it. So, when she was looking through a box of things she saw it and immediately took it out. She was two years late, but, hey, at least she remembered it eventually.
The next time Dan and Phil stopped by her house for dinner, she gave them the note. Dan took it with a smile and said he would read it once he got home. She apologized repeatedly about it being two years late, but he reassured her that it didn't matter to him, he was just glad she kept it. The second he got home, he ripped open the packaging, excited to see what ten year old him wrote.
Dear Dan, he read. He already was smiling, his old hand writing was something to laugh at all on its own. Plus, as if it wasn't bad enough, his left-handedness caused smudging on a few of the sentences.
I don't really know where to start, so, hi... I guess. My name is Dan, as you already know. I am ten years old and my teacher said I had to write a note to you. I don't think you'll get it, but I'll try anyway.
Dan found himself smiling again. He could practically hear how awkward he was when he was younger. Not that he wasn't awkward at all now, he definitely had his moments.
What do you do now? Did you go to uni? I can't wait to go to Uni. I don't know what I want to do, but I hoped you figure it out, and I hope it's cool and it all worked out for us.
Dan thought back on his life. Did you go to uni? He went for a little bit before he dropped out. Dan wanted to go in law, which would've been an awful job if he followed up on it. He wondered what even made him decide to go to law school. He would never be able to be a lawyer. He was just too... I don't know, he just didn't fit it. He didn't have very good communication skills, his judgement wasn't always the best, he wasn't good at analyzing and doing research (unless finding his way out of escape rooms counted), he just wasn't committed to it either. Needless to say, he was glad he dropped out.
What he did now was really cool. He thinks little Dan would be proud of him. He's got a YouTube channel with millions of subscribers, millions of fans and people to talk to, a decent amount of money... he loved what he did now. He could pretty much do whatever he wanted. So, did it work out for him? He would say yes.
Are you married? Being married would be cool I guess. Do you have kids? I don't know if I want them, but I bet they would be cool too. A nice house? Do you have a dog? I love dogs.
That one... wasn't as easy to answer. Was he married? No, he wasn't married, but he had Phil, and being with Phil was better than being married. He didn't have kids or a house or a dog, but, again, he had Phil. He had his best friend with him at all hours of the day, what could be better than that?
Have you traveled anywhere? I really want to travel when I'm older. Are you healthy? I hope you aren't dying or anything, that would suck. Are you still friends with our old friends? Do you still live in Wokingham?
Has he traveled anywhere? He feels like he's travelled everywhere. Well, maybe not everywhere, but definitely lot of places. Was he healthy? Well... he had depression, so not one hundred percent, but, hey, he was good. Maybe not all the time, but he still had a great life with great people in it. Friends with old friends? A little bit, there was maybe one or two. Others he completely avoided. That's nothing about disconnection, that's just Dan not wanting to socialize. Living in Wokingham was a big no no. He lived in London now, but still visited his home town.
I hoped you are happy and the future was great. I'm nervous about where I'm headed. I hope it all works out for us!
Sincerely,
Dan
Dan found himself smiling again. He wanted more than anything to go back and time and just say tell himself not to worry so much. It all works out in the end, and if you worry about the future you'll never be happy with where you are at that moment. He wished he would've learned that sooner.
"What did you write to yourself? Seems funny," Phil laughed and sat down next to Dan. Dan shrugged and handed the note to Phil.
"Read it if you want. It's not that cool, but still fun to read," Dan smiled. "I found it funny."
Phil nodded and started to read the crumpled paper. As he read on, Dan noticed that Phil's smile started to diminish. After he was done reading it he set it on his lap with a frown.
"What?" Dan asked him. He didn't see what was so wrong with it. Dan found it cute and endearing. He just seemed confused, not angry or anything that would make Phil upset.
"You wanted all this?" Phil mumbled quietly.
Dan shrugged and nodded. "I don't know... I guess so. I don't know why else I would write it," Dan laughed gently, trying to lighten up the mood. It didn't work, if anything it seemed to make Phil more upset. "What's wrong?"
"Dan... I feel like I ruined your life," Phil shook his head. Dan did a double-take. Phil? Ruin his life? Impossible.
"Did I just hear you correctly?" Dan narrowed his eyes. "I couldn't have just heard you correctly," He muttered.
"You know what I said." Phil rolled his eyes. Dan opened his mouth to deny it, but Phil didn't let him. "Dan, you could've had all of this. When we met you were in uni and you were dating that girl Macey. Imagine what would've happened if I never came along. You would've settled down with her, had a nice house, had kids got married... you would've had it all." Dan tried to interrupt, but Phil kept talking. "Oh my god, Dan. You could've had everything if..." Phil looked into Dan's brown eyes. "...if you hadn't met me."
"Phil..." Dan tried getting closer to him. Phil just looked away. "Phil, you can't blame yourself for that," He said. Phil got up and shook his head.
"You can't say that I'm not right, though. It's the truth. If you hadn't met me you would have kids and marriage and-"
"And I bet I wouldn't be as happy as I am right now," Dan stood and interrupted Phil. He had finally had enough of Phil blaming himself for nothing. He never did anything wrong. "I could go out right now and get husband or a wife and have kids and all that shit but I don't. I've gotten asked out recently and I said no, Phil. It was my choice and I said no."
"Why?" Phil asked holding out the paper to Dan. "You could have everything so why don't you do it?" Phil frowned.
"It's not what I want, Phil. It's what I wanted, but it's not what I want. Right now at this moment, I'm fine with where I am," Dan sighed. He didn't understand why Phil was so bothered by all of this. Dan didn't understand how Phil didn't realize he loved him.
"Don't you ever regret it? Not going through with your life plans?" Phil whispered.
"You're right, I did have life plans. I was going to go to uni, meet someone nice, settle down... but I met Phil Fucking Lester and it all changed. My life plans got thrown out the window... and I don't give a shit!" Dan beamed at Phil's confusion. "Sure I don't have kids or a husband or wife, but I've got you... and I would rather never date anyone again if it meant I could get to see your grumpy face every morning." Dan blushed a little, that was really cheesy and not at all platonic (which wasn't necessarily a bad thing in his mind).
"So..." Phil's cautious voice broke through Dan's thoughts. "You want to spend the rest of your life with me?" Phil tilted his head at him.
"I... I mean... yeah. There's no one else for me," Dan whispered. He didn't even know if he meant that in a platonic way or not, he just knew that it was 100% true. There was a long silence. Words were bubbling through Phil's chest but he didn't know how Dan would take it. He took a risk.
"We might as well get married then, huh?" Phil smirked, that made Dan blush an even deeper shade of red. "I mean, there's lots benefits of marriage... tax deduction... joint income..." Phil trailed off, there was a sneaky glint in his eyes.
"Phil Lester, are you asking me to marry you?" Dan eyes widened and a smiled snuck it's way onto his chapped lips.
"Daniel Howell, I am not asking to marry you quite yet even though we're unofficially husbands," Phil smiled, "but I am asking you on a date," Phil tilted his head.
"I would like that very much," Dan giggled. Phil Fucking Lester. Was there honestly anyone better? Dan certainly couldn't think of a single person in the world. The world doesn't deserve you, Phil, Dan thought to himself.