Trigger Warning: Mentions Of Suicide
*Dan's point of view*
The worst thing in the world is car crashes. Most times they're unpreventable. Most times it's not even your fault. They crash into you and your panicked state has nothing left to do but freak out. But that's not even the worst part.
The worst part is what happens after.
The worst part is walking into the hospital and finding out that your boyfriend was in the car crash that has been sprawled all over the news. You read the article. An innocent person dies tonight as they get into their Uber ride. The Uber driver was reported drunk, which the passenger inside didn't find out until it was too late. The driver ran straight into a building the second the passenger gets in the car. The driver is facing a year of jail time and the passenger is reported dead.
The article hit me hard when I read it. Once I found out it was Phil that was in that crash, it hit me so hard I was pinned to the ground; I was unable to breath. When I watched them lower the coffin into the ground, I don't think I ever cried harder.
That was a week ago. I have been trying to forget it happened, I tried to calm down. My dreams didn't help very much. Flashback after flashback after flashback. Taunting scenes of me saving his life. Unbearable images of me being the driver that night.
I had to wake up ever morning in agony. I never moved unless I had to go to the bathroom. I didn't care to get up. I hadn't eaten or drank, I hadn't showered or bothered to get dressed. I locked my door, I turned off my phone. I couldn't hear one more call about it getting better. Because I knew the truth. It wouldn't. All I could do was cry and stare at the ceiling. There was nothing else that could fill the empty hole that was in my heart.
A few days later I walked to the bridge. The same bridge I was going to jump off years ago. The same bridge I was going to jump off now. I took a deep breath and listened to my surroundings. I could hear the slight traffic and the different conversations of the people walking by. This was my last moment to be on Earth, I enjoyed it while I had the time. I walked closer to the edge, and started to let go of the rail.
"You know I don't want you to jump, right?" I heard an all too familiar voice say. I clenched my eyes shut and ignored it. "Dan, come on, don't do it. You have so much more to live for," The voice continued on. "Come on, just come down," The voice said gently. I snapped around, I had had enough.
"He left me ok?! I want to be with him I-" I couldn't finish my sentence once I realized who was in front of me. "Phil!" I cried and ran to him. I tried to envelope him in a hug, but my hands went through him.
I started to panic, desperately trying to grab on to Phil.
"Dan, Dan, you can't, I'm not physically here," Phil whispered. I choked back my tears.
"Why? Why'd you have to die?" I cried.
"Hey it's ok," Phil whispered.
"No it's not!" I wanted to scream. "It's not ok! You are the one person I don't want to hear that from! How could this possibly be ok Phil?! You're dead!" I could see in Phil's ghostly eyes that he wanted to kiss me. He knew it would make me feel better.
"I know," He sighed. "But Dan, you have so much to fulfill, you have such a great future! I know you want to see me, but you will. Someday, not anytime soon, we'll meet again. I promise," He reassured, his voice was fading. He had done his job, he was leaving. "I'll always be here Dan. Always," His body was going away now too.
"I love you," I cried trying to reach out to him.
"I love you too!" Was the last thing I heard before Phil Lester was officially gone.
It took a long time but I had gotten better. I never got someone to replace Phil, but the hole in my heart wasn't as deep and the schedule of my life had gone back to normal.
Every night before I fell asleep I had this imaginary conversation with Phil. I would always say, "Goodnight, love you!" And in my mind he said the same thing back. What I didn't know was that that imaginary voice saying it back, it was always Phil.
*40 years later (Dan is 66)*
Dan sat there in the hospital bed as all the people rushed around him anxiously. Time stopped as Louise walked into his room. She was bawling her eyes out, but gave Dan a sad smile. He gave her one back.
"The doctors say the room is ready," She whispered to Dan. Another tear fell down her cheek. Dan was about to undergo a terrifying heart surgery. "The doctors say you probably won't make it," She cried. Dan took her trembling hands and smiled one last time.
"How can you be so calm?" She said as the doctors came in. It was time.
"It's ok Louise, I'm ready. I'll be with him," Dan said simply. Suddenly, Louise understood.
The line made the long and familiar beep, Dan Howell had officially flatlined. His spirit left his body it stopped at the roof of the hospital. Standing there was Phil.
Phil smiled. "Was it worth it?" He was referring to the time all those years ago when Dan almost took his own life, but didn't.
"Yeah, it was," Dan ran to Phil, and together, they floated to the heavens and returned to their brand new home.
———————————
Thank you Axellnicorn for the idea of this chapter!