So for the book, the italic with her talking, she's signing.
And if it's bold, she's writing.
I wish i knew another way to distinguish, but yeah.
Anything she says is signing, not actual words.
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I don't want to live, to waste another day,
underneath the shadow of mistakes i've made
'Cause i feel like i'm breaking inside.
I don't want to fall, and say i lost it all
Because baby there's a part of me that hit the wall
Leavin' pieces of me behind
And i feel like i'm breaking inside.
- Breaking Inside: Shinedown
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Chapter One
The next morning, I felt like crap, I usually didn't sleep much, but this was a new low. I took my pills that keep me 'stable' and then pack the small pharmacy in one of my bags I was checking.
I went downstairs to see if anyone was home, and I found a note.
Addison,
Use your card for whatever you need to get there and be there for the summer.
Don't waste my money.
You better be on a plane by the time you mother and I get home.
I read that note over and over. Is it bad that it didn't hurt to hear they wanted me gone? Is it bad that I was honestly expecting a note like this?
As much as I hoped that my parents would magically change and start to love me, and actually treat me not only as a breathing person with a mind, but as their daughter, I knew that would never happen.
I thought about throwing the note away, but found myself stuffing it in my purse, maybe to remind me just why it is that I'm there. Beside the note was cash with a sticky note that said 'Cab Money'
The cab arrived for me; no doubt my parents did it, not because I couldn't but because they wanted to make sure I left by a certain time, lovely aren't they.
When the cab came, the guy got out helping me put my bags in, and I couldn't help but flinch away from him, the confused and slightly hurt look on his face made me feel horrible. It wasn't him; it was everybody, which is why I'm not looking forward to spending so much time in a crowded airport.
'I'm sorry' I mouthed and his eyes filled with sympathy. He didn't know what was wrong, just that something was, and he nodded and opened the door for me. Cab drivers are usually horribly rude, I was lucky to get this guy
"Where to miss?" he asked and I panicked.
He looked back at me, I asked him if he knew it, he made a gesture showing that he did, and I told him the airport.
He was a nice man, about thirty five I would say. He had kind eyes. He had dark brown reddish hair and light brown eyes. His trimmed beard-mustache combo and his hair had slight bit of grey growing in.
He talked the whole way there about his family, he has a wife and three children, and how he doesn't have to work, but he likes talking to random people and keeping busy. That and driving relaxes him.
He kept me smiling and made this trip seem better, and I was glad.
When we got there, he got out and helped me with my bags
"What's your name?" I asked him
"Thomas"
"Thank you" and did something I never thought I would do, I hugged him. I should have been terrified, but I wasn't. He recovered from the shock and hugged me back.
"Whatever it is, kid. Don't let it break you, come back from it stronger, you can do it" I nodded and pulled back. "Why are you at the airport?" he asked and I pulled out the letter from me bag. I don't know why I was talking to a stranger, but it was comfortable.
"What times your flight?" he asked
"I don't have one; I was told to go and board the first one I could."
He shook his head and wrote down a number and his name "When you're back in town, and need a cab, have someone call for me for you. And good luck. It seems wherever you're going will be better than here" he told me and gave me a reassuring smile and walked into the airport.
As soon as I went through those doors, I went into instant panic mode. I grabbed a notebook and walked up to a desk.
"Hello" he said and I smiled "What can I do for you"
I wrote down that I needed a flight to the airport my dad had told me as soon as possible. He looked at me for a second and I raised my eyebrows and frowned, he looked at the screen and kept glancing up at me.
"Can you not talk?" he asked and I shook my head. "Since when?" he asked and I stared at him with a slight glare and a frown on my face, that was none of his business. "Sorry" he mumbled and I shrugged.
"First class or coach"
I held up a finger.
"First class?" he asked and I nodded. If they were sending me away, may as well travel comfortably. It was going to be a long plane ride and the less people that invade my personal space, the better.
"Head there now, it departs in twenty minutes."
I mouthed 'thank you' to him and he nodded and I walked through security. Instead of handing them my ticket and ID I put it on the little desk, and when he went to hand it back I stared at him until he put it down and then I grabbed it and went forward.
I made sure to take every metal off, because I don't know what would happen if they tried to search me or get close to me with those hand held metal detectors.
When I got through I sighed a breath of relief. At least it was less crowded over here and I don't have to wait all day for a plane. It really was difficult getting through somewhere when you can't communicate. I was never gladder that I took ASL in high school. My parents told me it was pointless, but it was the one class I took for me.
That and I told them I had a free period when I took photography.
I got my phone and letter my parents left me that had all the information I needed, and I text my aunt telling her the flight number, and that I was boarding now and it was leaving shortly, then what time I should get in, and what I was wearing.
I don't know who is picking me up or what they look like, this should be interesting.
The flight over was horrible, the guy next to me was around me age, and kept trying to hit on me, which was horrible itself, but he stepped it up a whole lot of levels when he touched me.
I started having a panic attack and he looked at me like I grew a second head when I the tears started coming down my face. I grabbed my notebook and wrote 'Never touch me' in big letters and put my headphones in, shifting as far from him as I could.
I took deep breaths and looked out the window, and eventually, I calmed down.
When the plane landed, I waited until all the other passengers had gotten off, not just in first class, but from the entire plane, and then I grabbed my bag before making my way to the waiting area.
"Addison" I heard someone yell and I turned to see a boy about my age, maybe a little older standing there. I wave and when he took a step forward to hug me, my eyes widened and I stepped back, he seemed to understand, though he looked like that hurt him.
He was family after all, and I didn't like that I couldn't even trust them to touch me.
"I'm Asher, you're cousin" he smiled
"Nice to meet you" I told him and he looked at me weird, obviously not knowing how to sign.
"Don't you talk?" he asked I just shook my head. "You can't talk, or won't talk?"
"Can't" I mouthed. Nothing's wrong physically with my vocal cords physically, it's all in my head why I can't talk. I'm capable, I just can't. I've tried, and the only noise that comes from me is screams.
"Let's get your bags. Mom's excited to see you; she hasn't seen you since you were a baby. She's finishing up your room right now" he laughed, and I felt jealous, because I can see the love he has for her in his eyes, and you don't feel that if they don't love you right back. I wish I had that.
I gave him a small fake smile, though on the inside I was dying more and more.
"How are any of us going to talk to you?" he asked and I held up my notebook, I brought a bunch, so that when one fills up, I can just go to the next one.
He nods, and we walk towards the baggage claim, and I start to panic again, because there are so many people.
"How many bags?" he asked
"Four." I told him
"Point them out, I'll get them"
When they came around I pointed, he grabbed and we were headed outside, the heat was suffocating. Living in Seattle, it was hot in the summer, but only for a few weeks right in the middle, and that was still warm for us, this is just over the top horrid heat. I was wishing I was comfortable in shorts. I brought them, but I always wear leggings so people can't see as much bare skin.
I also wish they lived somewhere colder. We walked over to very used pickup truck. You would think I wouldn't like it because well, my lifestyle is wealthy and expensive, but I loved it, it made things feel more comfortable.
Asher put my bags in the back as I climbed in the truck, the seats were actually comfortable and I loved the character there was.
All the little scratches and cracks make you know that Asher, and whoever owned this before him loved this truck, and that it was taken care of, I honestly expected the interior to be worse.
'I like your truck' I wrote and he smiled
"Mom and dad made me work to earn it, they could have easily given me the money, but they don't work like that"
'How old are you?' I wondered
"Twenty-Three. You're Nineteen, right?" He asked and I nodded. "Same age as Kalila"
'And your other sibling?' I wrote and he glanced
"Faith is five. Same age as our neighbor Kaylis"
The rest of the ride was taken in silence, except the low music in the background, which I welcomed. Music always calmed me down.
I used to spend hours playing the guitar or piano and sing. I was happy.
I sang, I danced, I played instruments, I did gymnastics and cheer for my parents, and I played soccer.
Now I don't want to do any of that, I didn't even bring my baby; being my guitar, with me. A decision I was already regretting even though it's been a few weeks since I played.
I took the rest of the ride to study Asher. He was muscled but not steroid like, and he has tussled blonde hair. He had some light stubble brushing his face, but I couldn't see his eyes. He kept them glued to the road.
When we hit what felt like true country, I could see the change in him. He relaxed more. One hand went to the window, and both hands tapped to the beat of the music, you could tell this was home to him, and that these roads he'd been driving a long time.
I envied the way he was just being near home, if anything things got worse, well that is until I get in my room. My room is my only true safe place.
We arrived at a farm or ranch or whatever it's called, I don't know which to call it. I jumped out of the truck and my Aunt came rushing towards me, she looked just like my dad. I guess being wins does that to people.
"Oh Addison, baby. It's nice to see you" she told me and stepped towards me, and I started panicking yet again, I knew she was going to touch me. She pulled me into a hug and I closed my eyes and I was back in my nightmares.
Another pair, and then another wrapped around me and it just got worse.
I was brought farther and farther into the darkness. The multiple arms made me feel trapped and I wanted to scream and push and run, but I never did, because no matter what the outcome was always the same.
If I was in my right mind, I would tell that these arms were gently firm and kind. If I opened my eyes and could get myself together, I would probably see a bunch of smiling faces, greeting the family member they either have never seen, or haven't seen in 19 years.
But I wasn't in my right mind, and I kept my eyes closed in fear. The tears were slowing escaping and I knew as soon as my eyelids were no longer closed, they would freely fall until I cried another part of my soul away.
"Guys, let her go!" I heard someone yell, but they sounded forever away. I was getting dizzy because I wasn't breathing right.
I hated this feeling, and I didn't want to be touched, but there arms were the only thing holding me up right now, my body had gone week, and my legs were buckling.
"Asher?" she asked and then she pulled back, probably to look at me, and then immediately let go. I fell to my knees on the ground and did the only thing I could think to do, I wrapped my arms around myself and rocked, trying to calm down.
"What's going on?" someone else asked, but I could feel my body getting lighter and start to tingle, I was being dragged farther and farther underwater.
Voices were harsh and yelling in my head, and I was reliving one of my, well I like to call them dreams, and I don't have them often. Don't get me wrong, they were still horrible and filled with pain, but anything was better than reliving that day yet again.
I honestly don't know how much more my sanity, heart, and soul can take before it all just snaps.
"I-I don't know" my Aunts voice drifted around me, but it was faint.
I suddenly felt like a sea creature in an aquarium. Everything was muffled, and I just knew I was the center of attention right now, they were looking at me like people would look at a misbehaving creature, except they didn't have to pay to see this show.
Even through all that, I honestly felt bad, Aunt Lalan was just trying to welcome her niece, make me feel comfortable and at home, and I was freaking them out.
Leave it to my father not to tell her anything that's going on, especially the basics like my speech problem and fear of people getting close to me, let alone touching me.
"Something's wrong with her, she flinches when anyone's near, freaks out when she's in a crowd, and mom" he trailed off "She can't talk"
"Why?"
"I don't know" he whispered and I could tell they were all looking at me. Just give me my class cage and charge money, and I'll be there very own freak show, I thought bitterly. Everything went silent.
I wanted to scream and yell at them to just stop. Stop looking at me, stop worrying, stop talking about me, stop being silent, and just stop caring. But of course I couldn't.
I just wanted to pass out at this point and get it over with. This half and half thing is horrid.
My ears are ringing, my visions black, and I feel like I could throw up any moment. Can't fate just be kind to me for once and let it all end, for now at least.
"Is she okay?" a new voice, but this voice was soothing, worried, but not panicked.
"No." Asher answered, and then I was being lifted in the air. I attempted to wrap my arms around whoever was holding me. It reminded me of when the stranger saved me, and it all ended. How safe I felt there.
"Where's her room?" whoever was holding me asked
There was no response, but we were still walking. I felt my body struggling against itself, not knowing relax or panic. So I seemed to do both, which was honestly just making everything worse, can't it just go one way or the other?
No, and I knew why too.
Everyone was a threat to me now, I wanted to scream for them to let me go, but at the same time the kindness of this person, there relaxed body, gently voice, it all screamed for me to relax, then back to the other side of my mind, it was saying that in the beginning, they were no threat either, so I kept having this back and forth battle.
It felt like it lasted hours before he put me down on the soft bed, and then pulled covers over me, but I really don't think it could have been more than thirty seconds.
"Addison?" someone called softly and I managed to open my eyes. I was staring back at these pale green ones, and I couldn't take my eyes off of them.
The owner of them seemed to be a boy my age, which I found weird. Maybe he's Kalila's boyfriend or Asher's friend.
"Are you okay?" he asked and I shook my head and then closed my eyes again, rolling to a more comfortable position. My body was drained after an 'episode'.
And the last thought I had was "Wow, I really made a horrible first impression"
The darkness finally seemed to consume me, and I welcomed it, which was a very bad idea.