This book is HALF WAY done. Oh my God, I don't want it to end lol.
Brian and I weren't on the very best of terms as the weeks sneaked up on us.
Despite everything that happened in New York with his sudden outburst, I managed to fake a smile and pretend I was okay with it. Deep down inside, I was dying. Ever since then, I actually feared Brian. I feared everything from other guys making eye contact with me to answering Dennis' occasional phone calls. I wanted to get through whatever was going on with us. But I knew it wasn't me that had to get through anything. It was him. He had to get over being jealous. And if he couldn't do that, I would be hopeless.
However, Sophia and River's first birthdays were just around the corner and Val, Matt, Brian and I arranged a Rockstar themed party for the two kids at our house just two weeks before their actual birthdays. I couldn't afford to be sad and bothered. I wanted everything to be perfect, even if Soph wouldn't remember her first birthday when she grew up.
As the day quickly approached, I didn't have the time to think about being sad-- Not with the planning, decorating and welcoming our guests. And although Val and I had enough hands to help, there was still the pressure of keeping Sophia clean and keeping Zacky and Johnny far away from the cake as possible.
"Looks like your chocolate dipped strawberries are a hit, Jackie." Suzy said entering the kitchen with an empty tray. I smiled and removed some steaks from the fridge to take them to Matt and Brian who were taking over the grill. "I might just have to hide some for later."
"Be my guest, mom. We have like four dozen strawberries in the fridge. Hide as many as you'd like. How are they doing on the grill?"
She chuckled, pulling out a new batch of chocolate dipped strawberries, "Well, Brian's dad had to stop eating his steak because Matt almost set himself on fire. Other than that, I think they're doing a pretty damn good job. How about you? How are you doing in here?"
"I'm doing good just trying to get everything done before the boys showcase the song they wrote for the babies. I want to hear it and I can't if I'm stuck in here."
"I hear you. Well I'm taking these out, hopefully you join us outside soon, baby." Suzy said. She kissed my cheek then headed out.
From the glass door, I looked at Brian who was laughing with Matt over the grill. He seemed so happy and carefree, making me wonder if he really was as happy and carefree as he sold himself out to look. Everyone knows Brian as the type of guy who hides his true feelings. But sometimes, I just needed him to be vulnerable so I could really know what was running through his mind.
"Jackie." Lindsay entered through one side of the sliding door with Sophia on her side. "I have an upset stomach. I ate late last night and now I think I'm paying for it. Do you have like anything that will take the nausea away? It's pretty disgusting."
I took Sophia from her arms, planting a kiss on her little lips. "Yeah, it's in the restroom. It's Pepto. That's all I have though. Sorry. I can send Brian to get you som-"
"No!" She jumped at me. "I mean, no cause it's Sophia and River's party. If I feel worse, I'll just tell Zacky to get me something. Meanwhile, Pepto will do. Restroom, right?"
I nodded, "Yeah." Abruptly the doorbell rang. "Excuse me." I hurried to the door only to come face to face with the two most important people in my life. I was shocked to see them on my porch. "Dad?"
He smiled, holding up a gift, "Happy Birthday, Sophia Bear! Hi sweetie."
I threw myself into his arms, surprised to see him in California with Randy. "Oh my God, what are you two doing here? I thought you couldn't make it?!"
Randy joined in the hug, "Well, little sister, we have a surprise for you and Brian." He took Sophia into his arms handing me an envelope. "Merry Christmas."
I opened the envelope and pulled out a home sale form. As I read on, it stated that my dad and Randy bought a house in Laguna Beach. My heart felt complete at that moment. I no longer had to worry about them being thousands of miles away from me. They'd finally be just a few miles away and that made me feel like the luckiest woman to walk the planet.
"No fucking way!!!" I shouted, "You guys are really moving here?!"
My dad nodded, "Yeah in a month we'll be officially moved in. We actually already brought somethings to the house and in two weeks our stuff will be delivered."
"Oh my God! This is so amazing! What made you guys want to move?"
"Well mom is buried here and you're here. Grandma's up north and everything is here, really. I got an offer to work with the Angels since they're looking for a Public Relations Manager and your brother got offered a job being an entrepreneur for clubs. Not the smartest move, but it's what he wants to do so, why not? Right?"
I rolled my eyes at my dad, unmoved by his sardonic comment. "This is so good dad, seriously! You'll get to see Sophia grow up and, this is just perfect! Best thing to happen to me all week."
My dad gave me a look, "What's that supp-"
"Hey, Mark, Randy! What are you two doing here?" Brian asked walking into the living room followed by Zacky. They both greeted my dad and Randy, exchanging a few words, hugs and handshakes. "We're about to play the song for the babies, you guys should come outside now. There's food, drinks and even a candy bar. Help yourselves. I just have to get my guitar from the room."
"Oh you're playing a song for the babies?" Randy asked, spotting Sophia from behind as she walked around the coffee table.
It seemed now a days, she no longer wanted to be in someone's arms. She found amusement in walking around the house with someone not too far behind. She certainly had Brian's energy.
Brian nodded, "Yeah, it's a surprise. No one has heard it just yet, except us and Matt's dad. It's a really nice song. It's loosely based around Jackie's miscarriage and Jimmy's death and then the births of the babies... I'll be back. Everyone outside so we can sing."
My face instantly flushed once Brian mentioned my miscarriage. Granted, my brother knew about the miscarriage I had while I was dating Jesse but my dad hadn't a clue. I kept it from him only because I didn't want him to beat the shit out of Brian for impregnating his daughter who was going to marry one of his closest friends' sons.
I felt his eye pierce my soul once Zacky and Brian left the room. "Esperanza, what did he mean miscarriage?"
"Dad it's nothing."
"You miscarried? When did you miscarry? Why wasn't I informed?!"
I sighed, shaking my head, already feeling the wave of disappointment in the room. "When I was dating Jesse, Brian and I kind of messed around. I accidentally miscarried. It's nothing to be worried about, dad. It's not like it affected us now. We're married and we have Sophia and that's all that matters. It won't happen again. Promise."
"Okay... Next time anything like that happens... Tell me. Miscarriages are known on your mom's side and it could effect you negatively when you grow older."
I raised my hand, "Scouts honor, pop. Can we please go outside now?"
"Hey, dad take Soph. I'll meet you outside right now. I just gotta talk to Jackie about something." Randy handed Soph to my dad. "We'll be there right now..."
"I'll be waiting with Brian's dad." My dad held Soph at his side, making his way out through the kitchen.
Randy stood beside me, looking down on me. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing. Everything is fi-"
"You can't bullshit a bullshitter, Jackie. Is it because of New York at the game? When he snapped?"
I shook my head, "No. I'm just going through some mid-life hormonal shit. I'll be fine. C'mon, I wanna hear this song they wrote."
He grabbed my hand, preventing me from leaving, "Hey, if you ever wanna talk or just get away, our home is gonna be open to you and Sophia. Don't think just because you're married means you can't run home to dad and I, okay? I want you to feel safe and happy."
I nodded, pulling him towards the backdoor, "I know."
-
"Okay," Matt started, speaking into the mic, "This song was written for River and Sophia. Brian and I came up with it lyrically based on our experiences of holding our first borns in our hands for the first time. It's pretty much about them and since the record is coming out in a month or so, we thought it would be clever to show you guys the song since you're all family. So here it is, Crimson Day... Hope you guys like it."
With Sophia on my lap, I gave my full undivided attention to the boys.
From behind, I heard Matt's dad commenting on the song before it even started. But everything coming from his mouth were words of appraisal which gave me mild hope for a good song.
Dark years, brought endless rain,
Out in the cold I lost my way.
But storms won't last, they clear the air,
For something new.
The sun came out and brought you through.
A lifetime full of words to say,
A hope that time will slow the passing day.
I've been wrong times over,
And I've been shamed with no words to find.
But if the sun will rise, bring us tomorrow,
Walk with me, crimson day.
My eyes were full of tears from hearing the lyrics actually paint a once not so perfect life into perfect picture.
Don't speak, no use for words
Lie in my arms, sleep secure.
I wonder what you're dreaming of, lands rare and far,
A timeless flight to reach the stars.
A lifetime full of words to say,
A hope that time will slow the passing day.
I couldn't control these emotions I was feeling as I held my little miracle tightly. Every single word written in that song spoke from experience. I could relate to those lyrics because just like Brian and Matt, I stared at my child, thinking of what she was dreaming of.
Val leaned over to me during Brian's solo, placing her hand on my shoulder. "Baby, the next verse Brian wrote for Sophia."
I've come so far to meet you here,
To share this life with one I hold so dear.
And I won't speak but what is true,
The world outside created just for you,
It's for you, for you.
On the note Matt hit oh-so perfectly, I turned around to see everyone in tears-- Including my brother and Mr. Haner. It made it seem okay for me to cry like a little-baby, which I did. I knew Sophia's birth meant a lot to Brian, but the lyrics written in the song proved that her existence meant more.
I've been wrong times over,
And I've been shamed with no words to find.
But if the sun will rise, bring us tomorrow,
Walk with me crimson day.
I was the first one up once the song was over. Brian met me halfways and hugged Sophia and I at the same time. I cried into his chest, letting every single emotion I had bottle up, out. I didn't know if I was crying because of the song, or because I was tired of everything. Nonetheless, crying into his chest comforted me.
A few hours later, the guests were leaving and the Avenged family was starting to get a bit wasted.
Val, Gena and I started to clean up around the back so Brian and I wouldn't have much to clean up the following morning.
There wasn't much of a mess besides the streamers, soda cans and a few beer cans, not including the ones that the boys were downing by the minute. I didn't mind since Sophia and River were fast asleep upstairs. They proved to be members of the Avenged family as they stood up, drank juice and partied until their little bodies couldn't take it anymore.
"Can we talk really quick?" Brian sneaked up behind me.
I looked around the tables, seeing the mess, "Can we do this later? I'm kind of in the middle of bringing our backyard back to it's natural state."
He shook his head, "Val's got this. It's important."
"Go ahead, babe." Val said, wiping down a table. "I got this. You two go inside and talk."
Brian didn't hesitate to pull me into the house, closing the door behind him. He dragged me down to the basement where we wouldn't be interrupted by anyone.
In all honesty, I was thinking maybe he was going to tell me something completely heartbreaking. I assumed the privacy was only due to the fact that the next words that would come from his mouth would be 'I want a divorce'. It's the one thing I feared with my heart and soul.
"What did you want to talk about?" I asked, making myself comfortable on an office chair.
He leaned against his amp and sighed, "Us. I know things haven't been fucking rainbows and daises these past few weeks and there's no one else to blame but myself. I thought about what you said back at the stadium and it's been clawing at my mind and conscious since we left. But Jackie after today, seeing my little girl turn one, it really slapped reality into my head."
"What you do you mean?"
"I mean you didn't choose to be with Jesse. You didn't have a daughter with Jesse. You didn't marry Jesse. You chose to be with me. You chose to have a daughter with me. You married me. I shouldn't get jealous over him talking to you... It's just... The main reason we broke up that one time was cause I thought you and Jesse... You know. But I know you didn't and the whole thing with Andrew was and is irrelevant. We both screwed up back then. But I'm sorry."
"Jealousy is an ugly color on you Brian and it brings out the worst traits from you."
"But jealousy is also an indicator of love and even if it makes me look unattractive, I don't care because I love you..." He sat on the couch, hanging his head in his hands. "You know when I was up there playing the song and singing along with Matt all I could think about was how happy I was when I found out about Soph's existence in my life. And it made me feel like the happiest man ever because since day one, I've wanted a kid with you and I got that. We've been through so many fights and eye rolling that it seems like we've travelled miles. That's why I wrote what I wrote... Cause what we've been through feels like a road. I never thought it would be possible to have a baby with you after the miscarriage... But look at where we're at now. We have a life together with a little human being that's not only apart of me, but a major part of you. And I'm so grateful for that-- For everything in my life."
"What are you trying to say?"
He kneeled before me, took my hands in his and gave them a kiss, "I'm saying that these past weeks have been shit because I know you're thinking nonstop about the fight. I'm saying I know we can get through this. I know it because we've gotten through ten fucking torturous years of not seeing each other and months of fighting. We both faced death-"
"When did I face death? I never faced death..." I jumped at him.
He became uncomfortable, "You did Jackie... During the C-Section. You lost a large amount of blood. I didn't want anyone to say anything because I didn't want to scare you. But now you know, okay? It scared me seeing you lifeless for those few seconds and it killed me not knowing your state of being. I'm sorry I kept it from you."
I didn't feel betrayed, but at the same time, I felt back stabbed. Knowing I was dead for a few seconds of my life snapped me into reality. I could no longer take anything for granted. I had one final shot to live and I definitely was going to make the best of it.
"Anything else Brian?"
He shook his head, "Nothing else... I love you, okay? And we're going to get through this. I can't promise it, but I can guarantee you that we will try cause the last thing I want is to lose you..."