Jackie's POV
"This view!" I exclaimed, as soon as I stepped foot on the balcony of our New York home. "Oh my God! You can see Central Park from here! It's just like my old condo! I had the best view of the park and a decent view of Times Square on New Years. The fireworks were amazing."
Brian took the spot beside me, holding Sophia in his arms who was dressed in a very heavy jacket-- suited for the cold December New York weather. He leaned against the balcony railing, "Yeah, I will hand it to you, this place is pretty nice. We could take Sophia for a walk in the park later."
I nodded, leaning over the balcony to see the view of the street. I felt like a ten year old in a new city, ever so excited to start their new life and have new adventures. I bit my lip with a smile seeing the streets below us filled with snow and Christmas lights, people walking in their winter coats as vapor left their mouth. It reminded me of all those good times I had here.
I was home.
"Can I ask you something?" Brian asked, taking a seat on the charcoal patio chair. He wrinkled his nose in pain and one can only thank Mr. Haner for that. Seems like the coffee really kicked Brian's ass... Literally.
"Uh-huh." I said, not leaving the balcony. It was so nice to be back in my old city. I wanted to cherish every moment.
"This place is like really fucking nice and the view is impeccable... Why would you leave?" I turned to Brian taking note in the doubt in his voice, "I mean, I look at you and you seem so happy to be back. I don't see this at home... Well my home."
I smiled, sitting on the chair beside him, "Babe, I love your home and I love California. But this is where I grew up. The streets below us are the streets I ran on. Upper East Side is my home, just like Manhattan and Times Square. Whenever we come back, I'm always going to get like this."
"Anyone home?" My brother's voice echoed against the walls of the house.
My eyes widened as a smile grew on my face. I jumped out of the chair only to enter the house and see my brother standing at the door with a bouquet of roses and a few presents. "Randy!" I shouted, running into his arms.
The hug we shared was full of love; I missed my brother, especially now. We needed to be brought together to share how we felt. It was necessary.
"I missed you so much, Jackie." He cried into my neck. The beads sliding down my skin didn't lie. "You don't even know."
"I missed you too, Randy." I hugged him tightly, letting my emotions get the best of me. The last thing I cared about was being strong and holding back any type of emotions. Seeing my brother cry, letting his guard down, made it seem okay for me to do the same.
After moments of just sharing a hug in silence, he pulled away, wiping the tears under his eyes, "Shit, I wasn't planning on crying today. Fuck you Jackie, making me cry and shit."
I chuckled, doing the same, "It's your fault. Are those for me?" I asked, regarding the roses on the floor.
He pointed and shook his head, "No, you swear. These are for Soph- Sophia!" He shouted just as Brian entered with a now half naked baby in his arms. "Holy shit, when did she get so fucking big?"
"I'm going to take a guess and say probably when she started growing." Brian sarcastically said, handing her to Randy after sharing a handshake.
He simply laughed, enjoying the sarcasm, "You little creature." He kissed her cheek, "She looks just like you Brian, but I can definitely see some Jackie too. Those green eyes are comin' in! Pretty soon, babe, pretty soon."
My brother made a facial expression towards Sophia that reminded me of my mom and that's when I remembered one of the reasons why I had came. It stabbed me like a knife in my stomach... "So, how's mom today?"
Randy took a deep breath becoming a bit uneasy with my question, "She's doing okay. She had her treatment yesterday so she's been resting. I was just over there and she told me to come get you guys because she's afraid you guys might get lost going to their home. So, now I'm here. Whenever you guys are ready."
Honestly, I didn't think I'd ever be ready. Who'd be ready to see their parent terminally ill, in pain and suffering? No one...
As we reached the door, I couldn't help but feel my insides tie themselves in a bunch, making it almost impossible to breathe. Brian noticed and took a hold of my hand, carrying Sophia in the other.
Randy opened the door, letting the familiar Christmas smell of apples and cinnamon fill my nose; just like every Christmas season at the Baker home. He raised his finger to his lips, waving us in.
My eyes met my mom's in a matter of seconds. I first took notice in her droopy eyes, then her weak smile. "Hi sweetie."
"Hi mom." Randy answered, removing his jacket then giving her a gentle kiss on the forehead.
She coughed out a frail laugh, "I was actually talking to your sister."
"So rude," He joked opening the blinds from the bay window giving the room a fluorescent glow.
I felt scared-- Seeing my mom sick made me want to give her my health so badly. I didn't want to touch her in fear that I'd break her. She seemed so fragile, like a baby...
"Is that little baby my granddaughter?" She pointed to Sophia, "Hi Brian."
"Hello Mrs. Baker." He waved.
"Can I hold her? I want to hold my granddaughter. I've never got a chance to."
Brian fearlessly handed the baby to my mom. Her face lit up almost instinctively. It was the most emotion I'd ever gotten from her and it made me tear up to see the strength Sophia was giving her by just being in her arms.
"Look at you, Miss Sophia. All pretty and big." She planted a kiss on her head, "She's five months right?"
"Just turned," Brian proudly answered, "She's pretty big huh?"
"Very!" My mom replied, infatuated with Soph.
The room grew awkward, for the only thing that could be heard was Sophia's 'oohs', my mom's breathing and the sizzling of oil in the kitchen. I continued to look at my mom, remembering all the moments I had with her and how very soon, if not someday, they'd be just memories and she'd no longer be here.
"Brian, how about we help my dad finish cooking? He's not the best chef when it comes to grilling steak." Randy suggested.
Giving me a hesitant look, Brian searched my eyes for approval and once I gave it to him, he stood up and left us alone.
"So... How are you feeling with the chemo and radiation?" I asked my mom.
She shrugged, placing Sophia on her lap, "It's not what I expected. My body aches and I'm incredibly nauseated after. But I'm willing to go through it if it means getting better." She knew, just as well as I knew that there was no getting better. The facial expression I was giving her said it all. "I'm not stupid, Esperanza. I know I'm just going to get worse. The cancer is spreading. Sometimes, you just have to have," She paused looking at me with a smile, "Hope."
Suddenly, a ball formed in my throat and my eyes yet again, filled with tears. "Mom, I don't want you to die."
"Sweetie, I'm not going to die."
Denial. I hated it. "Mom, stop. Everyone is going to d-"
"Not me. I'm a tough bitch, Jackie. I've got to see Sophia grow up. I have to see you and Brian go through the tough part of a marriage. I want to see Sophia graduate from pre-school, elementary, middle school, high school and college. I want to see you have more kids so I can see how well you do. I refuse to die. This chemo and radiation is going to help me. People live years after. Even better, I'm on a list for a liver transplant. Pretty soon Jackie, I'm going to get better."
"Babe," Brian said from under the door frame, "Oh I'm sorry," He apologized for interrupting, "Uh, dinner is ready. Mrs.Baker, erm, Mr. Baker said if you want he can bring you your soup."
My mom shook her head, "No. I'm not hungry. I think I'll just sleep. I'm pretty tired."
"Yeah, I'm not going to eat either." I added.
"Yes you are." My mom protested, "I'm still going to be here when dinner is over. I'll just be asleep. Go on. Brian take these ladies into the dining room."
Obeying my mother's requests, Brian gladly lifted Soph into his arms, motioning for me to follow him. I sat there for a few seconds before wiping the make up under my eye, then set off to trail behind him...
It killed me seeing my mom like this. I wish I could do something.