When she'd first heard Kris's plan, Kim had expressed sincere doubts about the efficacy of engaging zombies in a protracted ground war. And although she'd heard the fighting raging overhead while she'd been trapped in Silvio's horrific basement bedroom, she'd had no way of knowing what was actually happening. But now, seeing it with her own eyes, Kim was awestruck by the horror and devastation she saw before her. Hindsight being 20/20, "let's use plaid to lure the men in and then the zombies will kill them" turned out to be exactly as dumb a plan as it had appeared at first glance.
For one thing, there were simply too many men and not enough zombies. The maximum number of zombies you can reasonably fit in one store is like, a dozen, tops. But the men just kept coming--wave after wave, streaming in through the door, the little welcome bells continually jingling overhead. Even a highly trained and motivated crack team of zombie assassins would've struggled to keep up.
But unfortunately these zombies weren't that trained or motivated. The thing about about war is it will always be the side who has more to lose that fights the hardest. You can try to conscript an army and force them to fight, but if the other side has more at stake, more to defend, then they're going to win every time. And the zombies clearly did not want anything to do with this. They wanted to be left alone to wander the streets, and stand in the crowds in clubs and bars, and hang out at the mall in Dubai. As a general rule, zombies do not enjoy working in an elegant little boutique, nor do they desire to prevent random men from accessing the plaid items in said shop, and they definitely do not feel strongly about murdering those men the moment they walk into the store.
Even juiced up on Kim's emoji magic, their fighting skills were not that impressive. They kept forgetting what they were supposed to be doing and just wandered off and stared at the wall, or each other.
"See this is my whole thing about post-apocalyptic zombie stories," Kim said to Regalia, as they stood off to the side, watching the battle rage. "I just don't think zombies fundamentally pose a very realistic threat? Their hierarchy of needs is basically a flat line."
And so, because the zombies did not want to kill the men, the men were killing the zombies. Brutally.
It was almost understandable from the men's perspective. They'd come running in, excited about all the plaid they'd heard about. Their eyes would get wide and sparkly as they entered the store, the selection somehow even more impressive than they'd imagined. They'd walk over to the displays and start oooh-ing and aaah-ing and holding up different patterns against their skin to see what looked the best. Then they'd noticed that the mannequins hovering nearby were actually zombies, and they'd scream and freak out and start attacking them.
The men found the zombies threatening in their creepy other-ness. The zombies were interrupting their shopping, making them feel uncomfortable when all they wanted to do was relax and shop for some great deals. And then as more men entered the store, they'd see other men yelling and fighting the zombies, and the new men would immediately pile on. The men were massacring the zombies, tearing them apart in their quest to get to the plaid. After a certain point it seemed the men didn't even realize the zombies didn't pose much of a threat, they had simply become an angry mob who were super into the magical plaid and all too eager to kill anyone or anything that stood in their way.
Kim was utterly horrified.
"This is utterly horrifying," she said to Regalia. "Those poor zombies. They were just people lost in the game and now they're getting killed because of Kris's dumb plan? She's just making everything even worse! And this is partially my fault because I helped bring the zombies here."
"Excuse me?" Regalia said, turning to Kim.
"I unwittingly Uber'd the zombies up from Miami."
"I have many follow-up questions," Regalia said, stepping back from Kim.
"Defend the plaid!" A nearby man screamed as a zombie fell to the floor beneath a pile of plaid-thirsty men.
"We have to fix this," Kim continued. "We have to do something before Kris & Khloé & Kourtney find a way to make things even worse."
"Is that even possible?"
"They are extremely talented at making things worse. Where are they, anyway?"
Kim scanned the shop, trying to see past the plaid and bodies and limbs and broken shelving flying through the air. She spied Kris briefly popping her head up over the sales counter, behind the cash register.
"Over there! Careful! Go!"
Kim and Regalia quickly made their way across the room, scooching and leaping in between and around the fights.
"What are you three doing back there!" Kim yelled over the counter. "This is awful!"
"Shut up Kim!" Kris yelled back. "This is your fault, your magic didn't make the zombies powerful enough."
"This is not my fault, you just had a very dumb plan, I told you it was a terrible idea. I kept saying it."
"GO AWAY," Khloé yelled, "We're trying to stay hidden. You'll give away our defensive position."
Kim watched as an angry man came storming up to the counter, probably to register a complaint about his customer service experience. Kris quickly threw a piece of paper at him. The man quickly read the paper and then ran out of the store.
"What was that?" Kim asked. She grabbed a piece of paper off the counter and read. "'Coupon for one free triple bock IPA at Oak in Tribeca.' OK, is that even a real beer? And two, this is hand-written! Are these even real coupons?"
"No!" Kris said. "And they don't know that. But we're running out of paper!"
"Ugh this is so dumb. Just give me my phone and I'll clean this up and we can try to actually fix things. The store is getting ruined and I worked really hard to get this space for you guys! Is there no appreciation?"
"Appreciation? This is all your fault! And you are not getting your phone, back you'll just use it against us."
I would, Kim thought, but I would at least end this nonsense first.
Kim turned to see where Regalia had gone to and noticed him sitting on the floor behind the counter, with Kourtney slumped against him, sobbing noisily into his jacket. Regalia had a very :| look on his face.
Kim made a face that said: What's her deal?
Regalia opened his mouth to answer but Kourtney immediately broke in, shouting her words out between great, heaving sobs: "I worked so hard on this plaid and now everything's ruined!!!"
"OMG SHUT UP KOURTNEY," Khloé yelled back. "Who cares about your stupid plaid, there's all these hot guys in the store and their all so busy fighting zombies that none of them are even checking me out. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me."
Kourtney ignored her sister and continued sobbing out her tale of woe to Regalia. "I know it was just part of Kris's plan, I just, I thought--maybe this could be my thing, you know? Kris is the boss one and Khloé's the insane one and I thought maybe I could be the fashion designer one. And now the store is a disaster, and the men are all trampling on my plaid. My beautiful plaid that I worked so hard on."
"lmao 'hard on'," Khloé said.
"SHUT UP KHLOÉ!"
"YOU SHUT UP KOURTNEY."
"BOTH OF YOU SHUT UP," Kris said.
"NO, LITERALLY ALL OF YOU SHUT UP," Kim yelled. "Enough, I'm going to fix this."
"We're not giving you your phone!" Kris said.
"Ugh, fine, whatever, I don't need my phone, I don't even need my magic, it's just a bunch of dumb men jfc."
Kim found a chair that wasn't completely broken and stood on it and began shouting to the crowd.
"Hey gentlemen! Great news! To thank you for being such loyal customers during So Chic's Plaidstravaganza Event, we're now giving away one plaid item free to every customer. You can only have one item and you have to be out of the store within the next 2 minutes. After that items will return to their normal prices. If you have any questions please come find me and I'll be happy to assist!"
Kim smiled and waved, stepped down off the chair, and watched as the men all immediately stopped fighting the zombies, refocused their attention on the plaid, and began grabbing the nearest shirts and racing out of the store.
"There's nothing magic about good communication and a pleasant customer service experience, you guys," Kim said over her shoulder to the group huddled behind the counter.
After the men cleared out Kim went around tending to the remaining zombies. They didn't seem super bothered by what they'd been through? They were zombies. But still. It was the principle. Kim led them to the back of the store and they stood around, just being part of the scenery, and they seemed reasonably happy.
Back at the sales counter, Kim found Regalia and Kourtney engaged in a deep conversation about fashion and the creative process.
"This was just too much plaid, honey. But not all of your ideas were completely terrible."
"Really?" Kourtney said, her eyes glistening. "My ideas aren't completely terrible? That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me."
"Well Kim, I hope you're planning on cleaning up the store now," Kris said. "It's a total wreck thanks to your little zombie war."
"OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO MURDER YOU, THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW," Kim said.
"Your phone is outside!" Kourtney said.
Kim stopped and whipped around to look at Kourtney.
"Kourtney what are you doing!" Kris yelled.
"SHUT UP MOM HER FRIEND IS SUPPORTING ME IN WAYS YOU NEVER HAVE!"
"Oh god not this again," Kris said.
"Your phone is buried beneath the sign of the swan," Kourtney said to Kim, before giving Kris and Khloé two middle fingers and then burying her sobbing face back into Regalia's shoulder.
Kim blinked at Regalia and pointed the door. "I'm going to get my phone, magic these zombies back home, and then decide what to do with these two. You want to get out of here?"
Regalia nodded. "I'm going to bring Kourtney back to Miami and try to work with her a little more. I mean at least she cares about fashion, I need all the people like this I can find in the world now. Who knows, maybe with a lot--a LOT--of help, she could actually form a decent opinion."
"That's the second nicest thing anyone's ever said to me," Kourtney said, without lifting her face out of Regalia's armpit.
Kim performed an extreme eye roll. "OK. Love you Regalia, I'll catch up with you later. Thank you."
Regalia wiggled his fingers goodbye and Kim turned and walked outside.
She found the sign for The Swan Royal Country Club right nearby, and dug around underneath it before she found her phone, wrapped in elder leaves and tied with a thrice-knotted black ribbon. A hiding spell so she wouldn't be able to find it.
There was a bunch of shmutz on her phone from it being buried in the actual dirt, so she was distracted and barely noticed the car that pulled up behind her, and the three melty-faced men who emerged and walked toward her.
"Kim, marvelous," one of the melty-faced men said with his gross distorted voice. "We're here to help you."
"Fights over, idiots," Kim said, still cleaning her phone. "You're too late. Byeeee."
"Oh no, we made sure to time our visit perfectly so we wouldn't miss our window."
"What window," Kim asked. Her phone was almost cleaned off. It was so close to being perfect.
"The window of your magic being recharged," he said, and before Kim knew what was happening, all three melty-faced men lunged out and grabbed her, holding her tightly. Lightning bolts of energy energy and Nail Polish emojis of magic began flowing out of her and into them.
Kim tried to scream and wrest herself away, but it was too much, they were taking her energy and holding her too tightly. She watched as the men absorbed her magic and began transforming in front of her eyes. Their faces became whole and symmetrical, they grew taller, their bodies filled out and became muscular and fit.
The gross, misshapen melty-faced man who had been talking to her became Zayn Malik. But like somehow even more handsome and beautiful than the version of Zayn she remembered. The other men had transformed into Channing Tatum and Byun Baek-hyun, but glorious, god-like, perfect in almost impossible ways.
"We're here to save the world," Zayn said, his voice honey and golden. "We're the OTP."
Kim was suffering from sudden loss of energy and could barely keep her eyes open. She stared at Zayn's beautiful face and struggled to come up with a proper response. "OTP?" she said, an idea floating around in the back of her head like Does he mean Kim + Zayn = OTP???
Zayn nodded. and began leading Kim back to the car. Her feet were barely even working, she was fading from consciousness but was aware that the men had to pick her up and carry her to get her into the car.
"Yes, the OTP. The One True Patriarchy. We will take you back to Florence, where you will help us finish our work or perfecting the world."
Kim had the sense of being thrown into the back seat of the car, and vaguely heard the door slam shut, but then her eyes fluttered and closed and everything went black.
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Next chapter, all is finally revealed, what is the Foundation for Celebrityship really up to, and is there anything Kim can do to stop Cassio?!? idek?!?!
This chapter is dedicated to carlasgerfeld, who won a dedication in the Wattpad Block Party Winter Edition II. Did everyone read my Killow one-shot in that book? It was kind of fun I thought!!!
OK crew hang in there and thank you for hanging in with me. Thank you for inspiring me with your comments & enthusiasm. We're getting close to the end and I've been writing this story for a year and I'm getting a little sad about it but we have to keep moving. I love everyone a lot!