Chapter 46: The Dark Magic of Retail Therapy

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Kim was lying on the dirty basement floor, unable to get up, completely helpless, staring up in disbelief at Regalia Featherstomp, who was standing patiently over here and did not look particularly troubled or concerned.

"Regalia!" Kim shouted. "Do something! We need to get out of here!"

Regalia gave Kim a look. "Trick, what is it you expect me to do, exactly?"

"Pick me up for starters!"

An achingly heartsick look swept across Regalia's face. "Kim I can't, it's impossible. Look." He displayed his fingertips for Kim's inspection. "New manicure."

Kim screamed. "But I don't have any energy! I can't move!"

"OK but if you can't move how are you planning on getting out of here?"

"You're supposed to be rescuing me!"

Regalia gave Kim the girl you are tripping face. "What am I, your magical black savior? Rescuing you is your job, Kim of House Kardashian. Honestly lack of energy isn't even your problem, you're just seriously depressed."

"It's definitely both! I thought we established that!"

"Listen princess. I can't fix everything for you and make it all better. And I am DEFINITELY not on some sacrifice-myself-to-save-you ish. So pick your sorry ass up and let's go. I am not trying to torn apart by plaid zombies. I will you leave here, I swear."

"I cannnnnnn't," Kim whined, the tears coming now. "I feel so bleh."

"You feel bleh because you're wearing that trashy hooded sweatshirt."

"What? Nuh-uh! Shut up! I feel bleh because Kris and my fake-ass sisters squeezed all the magic out of me."

Regalia knelt down and stared Kim down. "If you think that's all it takes to deplete your magic, than you didn't deserve your power in the first place. I'm telling you it's the sweatshirt. Listen to your guardian fashionista. If you want to get out of here and fix everything, you need to figure out how to do it. But in the short term, I can tell you from experience that when my mood is not its usual 100 100 100, a little retail therapy helps. Sometimes a lot of how you feel is based on how you feel about how you look. And you look like hell. I'm just behind honest." Regalia produced his phone and held it aloft. "Let me show you. Watch a bitch work."

"I'm telling you it's not the sweatshirt," Kim muttered.

Regalia peered angrily over the edge of his phone. "And I'm telling you shut the fck up, bitch." He swiped across his screen and Kim's hood sweatshirt and ripped jeans look was immediately replaced by an asymmetrical off-the-shoulder dress with one sleeve.

"Ugh I hate this dress," Kim said. "Regalia, you are killing me. I was literally dead and now I'm actually dead.

"Easy breezy, Kim Karsheezy, I'm just warming you up. If I hit you with the good good stuff right up front your brain will have an aneurysm due to Sudden Onset Awesomeness. Now:" Regalia swiped again and Kim's outfit was suddenly a blue Lanvin strapless gown.

"Ah!" Kim yelped in horror and quickly got up off the floor - she was panicked at the idea of the dress getting dirty.

Regalia smirked to himself. "See, here we go, princess." He swiped again and Kim was wearing the neon-yellow and gray dress with the black blazer from the Kardashian Kollection. He kept swiping, through an increasingly fabulous array of outfits. A red Valentino see-through lace dress. A Lela Rose black and white organza dress.

"OK OK OK," Kim said, starting to feel like her actual self again. "I think I get what you are saying."

"How do you feel," Regalia asked, his fingers poised over his screen.

"Waaaay better," Kim said, practically purring.

"How about NOW," Regalia said, swiping again, putting Kim in a dusty pink Atsuko Kudo latex pencil dress.

"BETTER TBH," Kim said. "DON'T STOP."

"Almost there," Regalia said swiping Kim into a short-sleeve Lagerfeld striped mini dress.

"Oh damn, whoa," Kim said, almost vibrating from how hooked up she felt.

"Here we go." Regalia swiped a final time, putting Kim into a long-sleeve bodycon mini with panels of tangerine, lavender, and turquoise. "BALMAIN, BITCH."

Kim froze, feeling the way the tensile, hand-crafted fabric of the Balmain hugged and conformed to every aspect of her impossible curves--not just containing them, but defining them, empowering them. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt this fabulous, this powerful, this fierce, this ready to kick ass. Kim stared wondrously at Regalia and released one long, slow, controlled breath. "Mama like," she said.

"How. Do. You. Feel." Regalia asked.

"Amazzzzzzing," Kim whispered.

"Do I know my shit or do I know my shit?"

"You completely totally know your shit," Kim agreed.

"Now you want to dry hump your Brandon Marlo body pillow some more? Or are you ready to make some decisions and gtf out of here, princess?

Kim nodded, still feeling herself. The way the Balmain armored her body. The way it redefined the definition of her self. The electricity crackling inside her as every cell in her body remembered who tf she is. "I'm not a princess," Kim said. "I'm a queen."

Regalia burst out laughing. "Not when I'm in the room, princess." He smiled and turned and they exited the gross bedroom and crossed the floor to the basement stairs, Kim's Tom Ford heels clicking powerfully on the cement floor.

When Regalia paused to step over the body of the man who had been flung down the stairs, Kim reached out and gently touched his arm.

"Hey," Kim said. "Thank you. I really appreciate your help."

Regalia rolled his eyes. "Don't make it a thing. I have a vested interest in your survival. There are so few women left here and I am not about to be the personal stylist for some dude whose primary fashion concerns in life are which fedoras match which vests. It was either give you a peptalk or kill myself. So we'll see how this goes, OK?" He smiled, and Kim squeezed his arm.

"OK. Let's get out of here," Kim said. "Or wait: find my phone first, then get out of here."

"What do you need your phone for?" Regalia asked, genuinely confused.

"It helps me channel my power. I'm weaker without it."

Regalia looked at Kim, examining not just her face, but the space around her, her aura. "Are you sure?" he asked. "You got those sleek dark magic vibes, honey. I'm not sure you need it as much as you think you do."

"Ugh whatever, fine, then I just like having it OK? My phone makes me happy and I want it. Leggo, princess."

And Kim ran laughing up the stairs ahead of Regalia, who started and then stopped when his ears caught up to what Kim had called him. "OK now you are definitely tripping," he said, following after her.

They climbed to the top of the steps and entered the store, which was now more horror movie bloodbath than elegant retail boutique. The store was completely trashed, the shelving and tables and display cases splintered and smashed and strewn about. Plaid shirts shredded and torn everywhere like a bombed-out lumberjack village. And the men busily, brutally tearing the zombies limb from limb.


NEXT TIME ON KKKBTG: ZOMBIES, ZAYN, AND THE MYSTERIOUS OTP. Stay tuned and thank you SO MUCH for reading & voting & commenting!!! I hope this story is not getting too weird or boring for people please tell me if I'm going off the rails.

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