Chapter 42: More Like So NOT Chic

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Kim looked around the store in disbelief and horror. The curvaceous, female mannequins that had once dominated the center of the room had been replaced by male-shaped mannequins that were somehow posed in the most douche-baggy way possible.

"Ummm. Luther? What the FÜCK happened to my store?" Kim yelled.

"I'm late," Luther replied. "I need to lock up. Do you need help picking something out for your boyfriend, husband, father, or congressman?"

"WHAT!" Kim wasn't sure which was worse, the rudeness of Luther's reply, or the fact that she was surrounded by so much plaid. It was piled everywhere all over the store. If she wasn't careful some of it might brush up against her skin. The thought sent a chill down her spine.

"I did not OK any of this inventory," Kim said. "Are you having trouble running the store? Do you want help throwing out all this garbage?"

"Don't touch anything," Luther warned. "You'll make the shirts too crooked for my liking."

"Too crooked for you liking? Luther what is your deal. Is this a joke? Where are all my cute tops, my artfully arranged handbags, my fashionable yet affordable accessories?"

"Cute tops! Handbags!" Luther spat on the ground in disgust. "Men care not for these things. Man care about looking like swarthy lumberjacks even though they wouldn't last 10 minutes in the actual outdoors."

"Did you seriously just spit on my floor?"

"Your floor? This is my store and always has been."

"LUTHER WTF. Is this another one of your tests where you pretend not to know who I am? I'm getting kind of sick of your little challenges tbqh, can we just fast forward to the part where you apologize and explain why you only have stuff for men here?"

Luther tilted his head at Kim and made a face like You are an idiot who knows nothing. "We have a women's section. It's right here."

Luther drew Kim's attention to a small display, tucked behind a table laden with pleated-front khakis. It was an arrangement of clunky-looking cell phones and a sign that said MAKE FRIENDS WITH THE FOUNDATION FONE.

Kim stared at the display of janky ass Foundation Fones, surrounded by seas of plaid. "This is the women's section? Is this a joke?"

"Every girl needs a Fone," Luther said.

"Luther, I am trying to be nice here, I don't know what your deal is. You've helped me through some difficult times but you are really testing the extreme end of my patience right now. I wanted to say goodbye but I'm just going to go, OK? And the next time I see you, if the world isn't destroyed in a zombie battle, I want everything back the way it was."

Kim turned to leave and Luther moved to block her path.

"I can't let you leave," Luther said. "You need to buy a Fone. Every girl needs a Fone."

"I do not want or need a Fone. Fones are extremely bad."

"I recognize you as someone in desperate need of the Foundation's help. The Fone was created for girls like you. To help you achieve real communication, instead of just vainly taking selfies all day, as though selfies even matter."

Kim gripped her phone tightly, every cell in body buzzing with furious electricity. "One, selfies do matter. Two, I do plenty of other things besides take selfies, despite your reductive view of my time and attention. And three, I am not a girl, I am a goddess."

"This is exactly why you need a Foundation Fone," Luther said. "You have spent too much time staring at yourself on your phone and it has given you a false sense of self-worth, an improper sense of your own importance. This is very common among girls. The Fone will help you realize your proper place. It will retrain you to not think so unnaturally highly of yourself. It will bring you back to reality."

Kim searched Luther's face for some sign that this was a joke, some indication that he recognized her and was performing an elaborate prank on her. But there was none. He just stared at her coldly. Like she was a stranger. Or not even a stranger. Some lesser thing, some trash he could barely bring himself to acknowledge.

"The world has gotten much worse than I realized," Kim said. "I'm sorry this is happening to you, Luther. I used to see you as an equal, but you've gone full fūckboy. I'm going to leave now, before I destroy you and burn this store to the ground."

Kim took another step towards the door. "Every girl needs a Fone," Luther repeated. He reached out to grab her and prevent her from leaving. Instinctively, Kim raised her arm and blocked his grasp. As her skin touched his there was a shock, and then a glitch, a brief warp in reality--the moment Luther touched Kim, energy began rapidly flowing out of her body. Kim quickly pulled her arm away, severing contact with Luther but already the room was filled with lightning bolts and Nail Polish emojis. She felt woozy, lightheaded, from the sudden loss of energy.

"What--what the hell was that?"

Luther ignored her, quickly sweeping up all the energy and Nail Polish emojis. As soon as he did, his body glitched, briefly warping into a blurry, pixellated version of himself, and then dividing into three completely separate Luthers.

They stood before her, all in identical pageboy caps, wicked tattoos racing up their fantastically muscular arms, exclamation points dangling evilly from their mouths.

"Every. Girl. Needs. A. Fone," the trio of Luthers said, in perfect unison.

"Holy shizzballs," Kim whispered to herself. She swiped the Moai emoji and a giant Easter Island statue swept across the room, pinning the three Luthers against the wall, and incidentally destroying a bunch of plaid in the process.

But rather than stay and enjoy the moment, Kim turned and Kardashed out of the store, jumped into the car that was idling outside, and sped away from So Chic as fast as she could.


Oh noooo not Luther! Plaid in So Chic? I can't imagine anything more horrible. And what was up with Kim releasing energy and emojis when Luther touched her? Things are bad! Please vote and comment and tell me what you think! Love you!

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