Chapter 26: Brains

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"OK seriously you guys," Kim said. "Two dead bodies? Hidden in a crate of plaid shirts? Like what is going on here."

Kris, Khloé and Kourtney exchanged confused looks.

"Two dead bodies?" Khloé said. "What the f is she talking about?"

"Two dead bodies!" Kim said, pointing to the bodies lying at their feet. "The two dead bodies I am pointing at right now!"

Another long moment passed before a wave of recognition passed over Kourtney's face. "Ohhh, I get it. OK Kim, first of all? They're not dead, that's an incredibly rude assumption to make." Kourtney gently kicked the nearest body with her Saint Laurents, causing it to jerk slightly and let out a low moan. "See? They're perfectly alive and healthy. For zombies."

"And also there isn't two of them, there's a whole bunch," Khloé added, as she and Kris went around the room, unlocking the rest of the crates until there were a total of ten greyed-out zombie bodies writhing and moaning on the floor.

"ZOMBIES? YOU MADE ME DRIVE A BUNCH OF ZOMBIES UP HERE?" Kim yelled. "Ugh I feel sick. One was moaning at me in the car. I was breathing the same air as them. Do they breathe? Ugh. I was already grossed out by all of Kourtney's plaid but now I'm grossed out on a whole other level."

"OK Kim what is your problem with my plaid, I worked really hard on it," Kourtney said.


"We're building an army," Kris said, as though it was transparently obviously, like what the hell else would they be collecting zombies for?

"Zombie army," Khloé added. "It's going to be so bad-ass. We've got these 10 from you, I brought some over from Malibu, Kourtney brought a bunch from San Francisco, and Kris collected some from Las Vegas. We needed to spread the deliveries out in order to not attract male attention. Men catch you transporting zombies and suddenly they're all up in your business, telling you 9 ways you're doing it wrong."

Kris nodded in agreement. "We're going into battle against the men, Kim. It's not a question of if at this point, only a question of when. They're taking over control of the world, making it theirs. They're belittling our contributions, YOUR contributions. It's harder and harder for women to be celebrities, harder for us to have successful careers. We have to do something before it's too late. Before we have nothing left to defend."

"OK I get that," Kim said, "But are we sure a zombie army is the best way to go? I really feel like if I just work a little harder I can be the #1 celebrity and everything will be fine again."

"Yes sweetie," Kris said. "And that's a very good plan, you should keep doing that! But what if it doesn't work? We went through all kinds of trouble to resurrect you because we thought just having you back would help, but you can see as well as us it's still getting worse. These are desperate times."

"But is this even legal?" Kim asked. "Can you just force zombies to be in your army? It seems like a rights violation of some kind. I mean they have no agency, it's like involuntary conscription or something."

"Well that's very sweet of you to consider the feelings of the undead, Kim, but I doubt the men would pause for a zombie rights debate if it meant wiping us out completely. Our powers are limited since the K-Stars disappeared. We need to use the tools that are available to us. A war is coming, and the men may have started it but we intend to finish it."

"And besides!" Kourtney continued as she pulled the plaid shirts out of the crates, sorting them and placing them on the display shelves. "We're giving the zombies purpose. They're doomed to wander the world forever, just cluttering up the background, no one interacting with them, never leveling up. We're giving them what we all need most in life: a mission."

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