How to Survive South Park

By aDovahkean

37.5K 1.5K 2.3K

A top tier South Park: Stick of Truth speedrunner gets sent into that very game, and by extension, the world... More

A Brand New Reality
Game: Start
Butterflies and Busting Balls
Sticks and Stones Can't Hurt My Bones
Guard's Worst Nightmare
Two-Faced Shortcutting Traitor
A Little Problem Called Plot
Day 2
Catching Up and Crashing Down
May the Best Race (Elves) Win
The Dark Lord and His Sleep-Deprived Necromancer
The First Final Battle Part 1
The First Final Battle Part 2
The First Final Battle Part 3
The First Final Battle Part 4
Light at the Distorted Tunnel's End
Out of Order
Development
The World Better Prepare, For Now I am a Billionaire
Fun and Games
Dancing with the Devil
It's Just Good Business
Christmas Time is Once a Year
Putting the 'Danger' in Danger Deck
Demonic Spells for Dummies
A Happily Ever After Without Humanity
Black and Blue
The Reality of Things
The Yaoi Girls Have Spoken
Get it all Together
Ctrl Alt Del
Shutting Down
Christmas With the Satanists Part 1
Christmas With the Satanists Part 2
A Day in the Second Life of Dovah
Experiments
Dealing with Dark Lords
The Storm Before The Calm
Becoming a Member
Power NOT Beyond My Imagination
SOT Rematch - Dovahkiin vs Kenny
Who History is Written By
PHONE DESTROYER!
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Uno Reverso
The Fractured But Whole
A God Among Common Man
Rivals
Controlled Chaos Part 1
Controlled Chaos Part 2
Eyes, Ears, and Crutches Everywhere
Desperation
A Very Angry Guardian Angel
Demonic Dance Battle
Ignorant
Show's Over
April Fools - Imaginationland Edition
Campfire Songs, Sharks, and Space Aliens
How to Join Dovah's Stalker Club
Exorcisms For Dummies
Telepathic Titans
Undefeatable
A Few New Familiar Faces
So the Son of Satan and Some Priests are at a Birthday Party...
Anti-Tegridy
Animosity
Defenders of the Mountain
Nahkriin War Part 1 - Entropy
Nahkriin War Part 2 - Takedown
Nahkriin War Part 3 - Adaptation
Nahkriin War Part 4 - Buildup
Nahkriin War Part 5 - Counter
Nahkriin War Part 6 - Cheaters Always Prosper
Nahkriin War Finale - Membering
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Judge, Jury, and Executioner
A New Beginning
Bonus Chapter #1 - All Current Forms and Powers + Intermission
Changing the Future, Take 2
Letting it Out
Old Game, New Goal
You Call That Chaos?:
Growing a Pair
No Strings on Me
Game Over
Plan B
Evolution
UFAs
Law and Order
Tenorman's Revenge Part 1 - The True Time Child
Tenorman's Revenge Part 2 - Dirty Business
Tenorman's Revenge Part 3 - Re-Emergence and Revenge
Tenorman's Revenge Part 4 - Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
Tenorman's Revenge Finale - Operation Brobot
Game Night
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 1 - The Many Cuts of Truth
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 2 - The Summon-Cyclopedia
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 3 - Disappointing Deep Ones
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 4 - May the Best Race (Humans) Win
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 5 - CUT! SKIP! F#^K THIS S%(T!!!
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 6 - Hail to the King
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 7 - What Lies Below
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 8 - Night of the Living German Dead
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 9 - For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls
Alternate Stick of Truth Finale - Bonus Unlocked: Day 4
Bonus Chapter #2 - Story Arcs, Behind the Scenes, and Future Plans
Stalked by an Angel
Angelic Monarch
A New Kind of Game
A Match Made in Hell
Planetary Power
Gotta Catch Em' All
Dragons and Douchebags
Multiverse Theory Is Still a Female Dog
The Right Tools for the Job
Answering The Call
P.T.K.T. (Planet Trapper Keeper Tycoon)
Mind in the Program
The Final Nail Part 1
The Final Nail Part 2
A New Lease on Life
Stepping Into Godhood
Blood on My Name
All's Not Well That Ends Not Well
Plans, Preparations, and Pac-man
Red Dead Deception
Coming Full Circle
A Distorted Tale's End
Dark Arc Epilogue - All For Two
South Park 64 Part 1 - Feathered F%#kers
South Park 64 Part 2 - Originals Rule, Copies Drool
The Trio of Terrors
South Park 64 Part 3 - Cloning and Cheesing
South Park 64 Part 4 - Monsters of Mass Destruction
South Park 64 Part 5 - Mind Games
South Park 64 Part 6 - Metal Madness
South Park 64 Finale - C̵͓̆a̶̹͌l̴̘͗ả̸̖m̶͉̎i̸̡͘t̵͎̿y̷̬͑
Phone Destroyer vs Power Leveler
Morgan Freeman Explains... Time Patrol and The Crossover Wars
Lovely Lovely Loopholes
Realms and Realizations
Deleted and Devoured
Ascension
The Fake's Finale
And The Transcendent's Return
Overkill, Or Just The Right Amount Of Kill?
Battle of Gods - Round 2
Red Herring
The Story of New Kid - Soldier, Poet, King, and Dragonborn
Dovahkiin vs Dovah
The Man Behind The Mastermind
Ready, Set, LARP!
The End of an Era Part 1
The End of an Era Part 2
A Better Way...
Past vs Future
Bonus Chapter #3 - End of and Post HTSSP
Insight, Hindsight, and Foresight Part 1
Insight, Hindsight, and Foresight Part 2
Sibling Wars Part 1 - Little Posers
Sibling Wars Part 2 - Screw You, Cthulhu
Sibling Wars Part 3 - Nooooo, Canadaaaaa
Sibling Wars Part 4 - La Resistance at Last!
Sibling Wars Part 5 - Worldbuilding and War Games
A Complete, Powerful Picture
Sibling Wars Part 6 - Weeping Angel
Sibling Wars Part 7 - Family Dynamic
Sibling Wars Part 8 - Alternate Ending
Sibling Wars Part 9 - Remember Membering?
Sibling Wars Finale - Twilight of Gods
Sibling Wars - Aftermath
Side by Side

For A Better Future

51 5 4
By aDovahkean

Dark Angel Red's POV:

It's all falling apart.

It's all falling apart and it's all that FUCKING CHANGELING'S FAULT!!!

Stupid power-hungry bitch. The real Dovah would have come up with dozens of better ways to get stronger and win, but she and Wendy just keep throwing everything we all have at the patrol without any rhyme or reason.

We had countless legions, fleets that blanketed the skies, and even the mighty Lotgral that destroyed and infected everything in their path, but the Time Patrol was the dominant power in the multiverse for ages for a reason.

They had countless worlds offer support to make up for numbers and the strongest of the Exalted to counter our rapid growth. The second and third strongest of them are more than enough to keep the Changeling at bay right now, but the first...

Their stupid, precious 'Symbol of Freedom'. He's just some kid with a goatee and ugly pajamas; how the fuck is he so powerful?!


We actually tried attacking their damaged HQ again to free more of their prisoners and strike a killing blow on the patrol, but it was all a trap on their end. Their shields were damaged, their guns were down, and there were barely any patrollers resisting us after the first hour.

And yet it ended up in a total rout for us. Because of One. Fucking. Person.

Pretty much our entire army was pushed back by one fucking person.

I couldn't even feel a drop of energy coming from him, and yet a single punch of his nearly split P.T.K. in two.

Dovah fought him before, or at least, another him, so he would probably know what to do IF HE WAS STILL FUCKING ALIVE!

And if you exclude his horrible taste in advisors (and even that is mostly rumored to be just said advisors realizing that he likes hearing things he agrees with), the CEO of the Time Patrol is a genuine evil mastermind like me.

He's also incredibly ruthless like me if what happened to the prisoners is anything to go by...

He's just been mostly busy governing all the remaining timelines his company has 'offered protection and opportunity' to, with little time to focus on fighting villany. And seeing his apparent tendency for micromanagement, the fact that this company wasn't collapsing until now is a true testament to his skills.

Our opponents are actually starting to use some decent attack strategies now and the change between past and present is like night and fucking day!


All that planning, from getting us locked in that fucking prison to ruining his 'robromance' to setting up a chronoton blocker in his own timeline to make him my perfect dark king, only to have my Changeling counterpart ruin it all.

And then there's my other doppelganger and her stupid hivemind stealing our spoils whenever they get the fucking chance to. Why must the other Reds be such pains in the fucking ass?!

(A/N: She has no idea that Dovah and someone else are responsible for that.)

The fucking superman knockoff and zombified anime princess alone are enough to push the fake, Wendy (who is now following around 'Dovah' like an obedient dog, doing their best to be pet by the person who holds their leash and not giving a shit about literally anything else), and I back.

Maybe I should just bail and come up with a new plan (but not before having my remaining Lotgral tear that changeling bitch apart). The patrol would be on my ass more than ever though...

Fuck, why do the fucking good guys always have to win? I'm sorry, Dii. I should have come back after I dealt with Heidi. I should have protected you more instead of trying to force the opposite. Í̴̧̜̪̮̈́̍ ̵̨̂̽͑͜s̷͙̃̃h̴̤́o̸̡͋ȗ̵̗͜͝l̴͓̤͖̀̈̈́͐d̴̥̤̠̊̇͜ ̸͇̞̆̽h̶͎͍̒̎̃a̴̧̎̐v̴̯̭̾̾̅è̶͇͓͔̌ ̸̝̫̲̂n̷̥̲͋ę̷̯̦̖͂͗͆̚v̸̻͆̿̀ͅḙ̴̯̲͑̎r̴̖͍͊́ ̵̮̮͗̀͆̐ͅl̶̠̼͙̲̋e̸̺̫̔̀ť̷̈̓͜ ̵̢̖̞̞̾̊y̸̧̓̓̚o̸̦̯̼͇͋̈̐͑ú̷̻͇̙ ̸̳̞̅g̵̛̻̪̾̐͋o̶̫̎͐̿̆.̴̢̹̜̙́

Some partner I turned out to be.


Dovah's POV:

"Wow, and I thought OUR future was bad!" Tricia groans. "The hour-long specials we watched don't do it justice; this is a literal fucking nightmare... I may actually prefer Butters' apocalypse to this!"

"Told you so." I snark with the girl flipping me off in return.

"At least we don't need to wear Covid masks at the moment, Trish." Karen points out which earns a grumble from her sister.


Tricia, Karen, and I are currently in the 'bad future' South Park shown in the Post Covid specials right now with this specific point in time being a bit before the two-parter actually starts here.

As for why the fuck I would want to go here of all places despite hating anything and everything to do with Covid and Tegridy Weed in South Park (with these specials having a shitload of both), I want to get my hands on Kenny's time machine and research to boost T.K's database and capabilities in the time traveling department.

It probably won't be as advanced as the stuff Tenorman has a few hundred years in the future or the shit the Time Patrol has, but I'm not picky; I'll take anything I can get.

I'm not limiting my upgrades to just regular powers here; I'm gonna get everything I fucking can from the South Park content I know of.

I won't be a jack of all trades either; I'll acquire and completely master every power this show has to offer.

I filled the girls in on what happens here already and even showed them the hour-long specials via T.K. accessing my memories back at one of our safe houses. I watched every episode and special of the show (up to when I was isekai'd), and with T.K's help, I can view them whenever I want to now.

I also occasionally watch episodes with Karen and Tricia when we're taking a break. They seem to still enjoy it despite everything that's happened... everything that's gone wrong.

Tricia's favorite episode is the guinea pig pandemic two-parter in season 12 because of all the shit her other brother goes through and Karen loves pretty much all the Kenny-centered episodes the most. Seeing his actions from this perspective only made her appreciate her other brother even more.

I can only hope that I do as good of a job as he did.


Back to this covid shit, despite the specials not starting yet here, there are STILL places where those fucking face masks are required! I'm not just hanging around South Park here; I spent some time exploring the rest of the world too... and it's just as shitty as South Park currently is.

I never thought I would have to wear one of those stupid ass masks again (wearing them for like 2 years back in my old reality ruined masks in general for me), but we have to blend in somehow. As for my sisters, Karen doesn't really mind wearing these things, but Tricia seems to hate it more than I do.

Fun fact, Holy and Satanic purify or cleansing spells actually gets rid of sickness and diseases in living beings too, Covid included. I can't go around doing that though as I'm supposed to be blending in right now, not appearing as some anti-covid angel.

As for changing how the episode goes, this timeline is fucked anyway so it doesn't really matter. Depending on how time travel works, this part of the timeline either gets erased and rewritten or stays the exact same with a branch being formed; either way, no happy ending here.

Time travel in this series is still so fucking annoying to deal with because how it works keeps on changing. Might as well go over it now; it's about time I summarized this nonsense anyways.


Info Dump About How Time Travel Works/Has Changed in South Park Incoming. Skip if Not Interested.

So before I said that season 4's Trapper Keeper set the original standard for time travel in the reality of South Park. Well, that's technically a lie.

The first time South Park was completely altered via time travel was during that episode, but the concept of time travel actually first popped up the episode before that one. Season 4 episode 11, "4th Grade", has the kids get some sci-fi nerds to build them a time machine so they can go back to the third grade because 4th grade sucks.

They first build a time machine using Timmy's wheelchair and it... kinda works. Instead of going back one year in the past, Timmy travels all throughout time from the prehistoric era to the dark ages and so on.

The sci-fi nerds then build a second time machine that acts as a temporary time portal which actually does go back one year in the past (according to the nerds anyway), but the other South Parkers choose not to go. However, that specific time machine isn't important in this rant; only their first one is.

So Timmy travels all throughout time and clearly changes a bunch of stuff considering all the, uhh, 'souvenirs' he brings back to the present day. But nothing in the future changes from Timmy's actions. This means that Timmy either went to entirely different timelines during his own adventure or he stayed in his own timeline and changing the past didn't affect the present.

My timeline's Timmy was pretty sure it was the latter case which means that time travel at that point was like the Marvel Cinematic Universe (MCU) rules of time travel, or in other words, changing the past creates a branch in the timeline instead of erasing and replacing the present... so basically Multiverse Theory.

Side note, the second time machine probably followed the same rules so the South Parkers would've ended up in the past with their younger selves if they chose to go through with it, sort of like what happened at the end of TFBW. I'm guessing they didn't think that far ahead about this particular plan of theirs.

Cut to the next episode and Trapper Keeper happens. The android 'Bill Cosby' guy stops Cartman's Trapper Keeper from taking over the world and changes the future as a result. He then gets erased along with the future he came from with a new future being created.

So one episode we had MCU style time travel and the following episode we had 'Back to the Future' style time travel. And we're just getting started with the inconsistencies.


Next up is season 6's "My Future Self 'n' Me" where at the end of the episode, a future (and very successful) version of Eric Cartman travels back into the present and congratulates his past self on starting a new path in life (Cartman was actually going to lay off the junk food and take school seriously after doing the whole 'I learned something today' bit).

Unfortunately, present Cartman believes this to be complete bullshit (to be fair, Stan and Butters' parents just tried the same thing with fake 'future selves' of their kids, soooo... yeah. As a result, Cartman vowed to stay the same, changing the future as a result.

Now does future Cartman get erased like the android guy did? Nope.

Does he stay the same due to this change creating a branch in the timeline instead? Also nope.

Instead, future Cartman goes from being a healthy, successful business man to a fat plumber. Not only that, but all of his memories are intact (or rather, he probably has 2 sets of memories from the present point onwards). This is supported by his "Oh, god damnit!" at the end, which shows that he knows he just screwed himself over.

So now we have three instances of time travel with all of them having different rules applying to them. And we're just at season 6.

God damnit, South Park.


Moving on to season 10, we have the two-part episode "Go God Go" which is the most confusing instance of time travel so far.

For starters, Cartman does DIY cryogen sleep so he doesn't have to wait a few weeks until the Nintendo Wii releases. Unfortunately, he mistimes it just a bit and instead ends up over 500 years in the future.

That's part one. Simple enough so far, right? Well part two is where things get messy. Not as messy as TFBW time travel, but still pretty messy.


So for starters, Cartman uses a future phone (Crank Prank Time Phone) to call his past self to convince him to not freeze himself. That fails and he then calls past (present) Kyle and Butters so they can stop his past self, but that also fails.

Now his calls to Cartman and Butters don't change anything in the future, but his call to Kyle does (he missed a ride as a result of the call) and the future changes as a result.

Now Cartman and everyone else has no memory of these changes (or rather, the 'old' future), so time travel now works like it did in season 4's Trapper Keeper, right?

Well, future Cartman's calls to present Cartman and Butters had to have changed something in the future, right? I mean, future Cartman's call to Butters delayed present Cartman for a bit while annoying him, didn't it?

These changes may be small, but the butterfly effect ensures that even the smallest changes eventually have massive consequences far into the future. The changes future Cartman caused when he phoned Kyle were also clearly shown in the future (with a side to side wave and sound effects and everything), so then what's the deal with future Cartman's first two calls?

Either they didn't change anything (which I find hard to believe based on my previous argument), or those changes instead caused branches in the timeline MCU style. Who would've thought that having two completely different sets of rules for time travel be in effect literal seconds apart would be the answer that makes more sense here?

Anyway, Cartman then calls Mr. Garrison and that causes another change in the future, so now we're sticking to Back to the Future rules for time travel, right?

Well, future Cartman eventually travels back into the past, and instead of becoming his own separate entity, he merges with his past self... which makes no goddamn sense. Changing the past is supposed to change the future, but now future Cartman is his past self.

Did the merger just give past Cartman his future self's memories while erasing future Cartman in the process? Or did future Cartman basically erase his past self and take his place, creating a loophole in the rules since he doesn't get erased after this latest future change? Or did he just create a straight-up time paradox?

I don't even fucking know anymore. This is just getting ridiculous.


Oh, and because Cartman was accidentally sent back a little earlier then intended (the wait for the Wii's release is now 2 months instead of a few weeks), the fucking fat idiot decides to freeze himself AGAIN!!!

Before he does though, he gets a call from his future self who is once again stuck in an altered future timeline. 'Future' future Cartman tells present future Cartman to not be an idiot and freeze himself again, but present future Cartman, having learned absolutely fucking nothing during his adventures in the future, believes this to be a prank from Kyle and goes to freeze himself again.

So did this episode just create a time paradox? Probably, but I'm just going to move on to preserve my sanity. The main point here is that time travel is bullshit anyways, and I already proved my point.

But unfortunately, there is still more to go over.


The good news is that South Park doesn't feature time travel again until TFBW. The bad news is the absolute mess of time travel that is TFBW.

(A/N: Already went over that hot mess in extreme detail in Chp 85 "No Strings On Me". Take a look at that if you need a quick reminder on how TFBW time travel works.)

Basically, time travel in TFBW once again circles back to Multiverse Theory or MCU style time travel. Changing the past creates branches in the timeline instead of completely altering the present and future. So that's yet another change to the rules of time travel here, whoopty doo.


Finally, we have the Post Covid specials which... ugh. Let's just get this over with.

Okay, so in Part 1 of the Post Covid specials, it's revealed that future Kenny traveled back in time to change the past. He succeeded in traveling back, then came back to the future and died soon after because he got covid back in the past.

This caused the main plot of these specials to start since it brought all the other South Parkers back (the ones who left anyway) to their hometown. It also has some serious consistency issues later on.

Take note of the fact that future Kenny changed the past before traveling back into the future. It isn't revealed what he changed, but he definitely changed something.

This didn't cause the future timeline to change at all though like in the "Go God Go" two-parter. It also didn't change the timeline with people still keeping their memories like in season 6's "My Future Self 'n' Me".

So by process of elimination, this means that multiverse theory is still how time travel works, right? That's how it was in TFBW and it appears to be the same here so case closed, right?

Well, in Part 2 of the special, Post Covid: The Return of Covid, future Stan, Kyle, Cartman, and Clyde travel back into the past (during the South ParQ Vaccination Special to be exact). Future Cartman kills future Clyde (before the latter can kill Kyle to try and change the future) and afterwards, becomes frustrated with the other future South Parkers that doing this didn't change the timeline.

Wait, what? But time travel here is Multiverse Theory style, not Back to the Future style, right?

Apparently not, because the future South Parkers are under the impression that they're supposed to be erased with a new future forming once they change the past.

After this, the boys manage to get their kid selves to become friends again and future Stan leaves his dad a marijuana bud from the future as a gift.

But if time travel here works like it did in Back to the Future, then wouldn't that future bud be erased? Apparently not.


Finally, the ending of the Post Covid special shows a new future timeline where everyone is happy (except Cartman) and they all live happily ever after.

Now this seems to imply that the past was erased and a new future was formed like in season 10's "Go God Go", but I honestly disagree.

Considering what happened to future Kenny as well as the weed bud future Stan left behind being mass produced and spread throughout the town by Randy, I believe that time travel still follows Multiverse Theory and that this new future timeline is just a branch created by the future South Parkers.

Makes sense, right? Well, there's just one problem with my theory. If this was the case, then where did the original future Stan, Kyle, and Cartman end up. They weren't shown at the ending of the special.

You can argue that this means they were erased, but I don't believe that's the case. The original future South Parkers were never shown being erased and it simply isn't known what really happened to them.

I personally believe that after they fixed the present, they just went off to do their own thing in this 'new' past. That's what makes the most sense to me.

So in short, time travel in the reality of South Park is absolute bullshit and the rules keep changing, but at the very least, Multiverse Theory seems to be the ruleset given from season 10 onwards.

That's in the 'canon' timeline though. I've faced no issues with being erased or the future changing from me altering the present throughout my time travel adventures, so does this mean that Multiverse Theory is how most timelines work here?

My guess is yes which I'm thankful for since I really don't want to worry about being erased via a timeline 'correcting' itself on top of everything else I have to deal with already.

Explanation (rant) Over:


I intend to take future Kenny's time machine for myself so T.K. can analyze it and doing so will only prevent a branching timeline from being made via future Team Stan if my theory about how time travel works in this special is correct.

T.K. will work out the specifics. He needs a distraction anyway.

(("You'd think at least one of the three would still have a few brain cells that haven't degraded, but noooooooo. All those psychotic stooges are doing is wasting my time, wrecking my stuff, AND PISSING ME OFF!"))

And he calls me the impatient one.

'Just don't feed those three to the Lotgral, okay? We still need them.'

(("No promises."))

Anyway, the three of us make sure to take a little tour around future South Park and it's even more awful than what's shown in the show. We spy on the grown up South Parkers for a bit too while exploring the rest of the world, but it's just all fucking depressing.

I honestly prefer the bad future where Tenorman becomes a dictator and takes over the world with his gingerbot army to this crap. Same with the other bad future where Trapper Keeper wipes out humanity.

Is this unfair bias? Probably, but I don't really give a shit.

(("At least this future isn't as awful as the Panderverse."))

'There's a WHAT?!?'


After finishing the tour (and learning a bit about the horrors Eric Cartman has to eventually go through in baseline; thanks for the nightmares, Time Patrol database), the three of us break into 'Super Ultra Deluxe South Park Elementary School 5.0 VIP Super Duper Deluxe Platinum Edition' or whatever the fuck it's called now and head on into the secret lab that Kenny built his time machine in.

"Jeez, talk about inefficient. There's also the fact that this time machine literally kills everyone in the room except Kenny incredibly brutally upon activation with Kenny himself later dying from Covid after he gets back. For fuck's sake, people can't even time travel right in this shitty ass future!"

"Uhhh, Dovah?" Tricia tugs on my sleeve and I look down at her.

"What?"

"Karen?" A grown up voice asks and we turn around to see... oh god damnit. What are the fucking odds? I fucking hate this future so, so much.


Enter: Future Kenny

Strap yourselves in for THIS cartoon character.

So the basic premise is that Kenny finally got tired of Team Stan's bullshit during the Vaccination Special and stopped hanging out with the already fractured group entirely.

He then puts that brain of his to good use and becomes a scientist, humanitarian, philanthropist, and a Nobel Laureate, having been granted the 'Dr.' title.

As for what he got a Nobel prize for, the guy somehow managed to combine dark matter and breast implants.

Never change, Kenny.

The guy is now somewhat overweight, has a giant beard, and wears t-shirts with beer bottles plastered all over them, some sunglasses, a big brown hat, and green sandals like he's relaxing in Hawaii or something.

He's probably one of the few South Parkers to actually do well in the future... besides the whole 'dying permanently' thing.

He's also like ten feet away from us and probably wondering just how much he had to drink last night.


"Uhhhh, hi Kenny." Karen gives a timid smile and small wave to the fat future South Parker.

"How are you and Tricia kids again? And who's that? Are you from the past or future? Does my idea work?" He rapid-fires questions at me and I could just erase his memory via telepathy, but fuck it, might as well introduce myself. This timeline is fucked anyway.

"I'm Dovahkiin but usually go by Dovah, and as for your other questions, I'm from an entirely different timeline and also the surrogate slash adoptive slash technically biological older brother of these two little gremlins who you know as Karen McCormick and Tricia Tucker." I explain while ruffling my sisters' hair, getting some lighthearted laughter out of Karen and an embarrassed pout from Tricia.

"If you were intending to have the rest of your broship change the future for the better after you tried to, well congrats, 'cause that's what is supposed to happen." I let Future Kenny know. "Unfortunately, changing the past creates a branch in the timeline instead of erasing the old future so this timeline is still fucked.

Time travel now works like it does in the MCU, aka multiverse theory, not Back to the Future. Sorry, dude. Also, while the future you made is definitely better than this one, it still isn't that great."

Future Kenny looks like his mind's just been nuked after that quick heads up and I decide to ask him a few things now myself while he's here. Might as well take the chance while I have it.

"So what happened with your immortality curse and the South Park anti-aging curse here? Did Cthulhu just decide to get rid of them one day? You end up dying for good after you go back to the past, getting covid in the process, and since everyone's aging again, I just put two and two together to come up with that conclusion."

"I... don't know. I'm an expert in science, not magic." Future Kenny admits. "I tried getting in contact with Cthulhu to ask him and to see if he can make Covid go away for good, but I couldn't find him after the party South Park had once the grown ups got vaccines back then."

'He must be referring to the end of the Vaccination Special.' I mentally conclude.

"Oh. Well, while we're on the subject of stopping Covid, you looked into like a thousand different timelines with each one having its own series of events for a solution, but Randy always fucked the pangolin in the end, right?" I ask him.

That little tidbit of info is revealed in Part 2 of the future special. All the time and effort such a thing must have taken is also incredibly unnecessary because of the reason you're about to see.

"Yeah? What about it?" Kenny asks back, curious as to where this is going.

"Well, did you ever consider just, and hear me out on this one, KILLING RANDY??? Randy Marsh always fucks the pangolin to create Covid, right? No Randy Marsh means no Randy Marsh fucking a pangolin and NO! COVID!!! AND NO FUCKING TEGRIDY FARMS!!!"


...What? It's a good point if you think about it.


When it comes to the choice of killing one person to save the world, I'm on the side of killing the person because of a little thing called "the greater fucking good". The fact that said person being killed in this hypothetical scenario is a total dumbass that causes countless other problems for the world he's in time and time again is just a bonus.

I get that they needed the plot to happen, but seriously, if everything you try always ends up with Randy fucking the pangolin, then just get Randy out of the picture and problem solved!

As for getting rid of the pangolin instead, Randy would probably just find a different pangolin to screw during his trip to China. Better to take the bigger dumbass out of the picture, right?

Seriously, being smart in a multiverse filled with idiots can be so fucking exhausting sometimes! It would help if I was an optimist, but nope, I'm a realist.

That's probably for the best though. It means I get disappointed a lot less after all.

It also makes dealing with most opponents and predicting their every move much, much easier.


"Ummm... that's... actually a good point. Stan moving away to that weed farm really made the broship start to decline and everything got super fucked up soon after. So what now? Did you come here to tell me to do that?"

"No, I'm just here to take your time machine. I could send you back to your past myself though, but you would be stuck there. On the bright side, you could probably make it big as a scientist of whatever there if you want after ensuring Tegridy Farms never happens."

"...So this timeline is screwed no matter what?" The adult sighs, getting straight to the point.

"Sorry, dude. Like I said before, this isn't Back to the Future. That kind of spacetime altering stopped after Trapper Keeper."

"Huh? Oh, right. That thing with the Bill Cosby robot." He sighs. "Okay, I guess that works. Before you do that though, can you tell me what happened to your world? I'm just curious."

Karen is the one to answer, "Trust me, you don't wanna know."

"...Everyone else died, didn't they?"

"Brutally." Tricia comments.

I then activate T.K. and he begins to absorb the entire secret room.

"Wait wait wait, isn't THIS Trapper Keeper?!" Kenny reels back in horror.

"Yup, but don't worry. This one is under my complete control, not the other way around like what happened with Cartman way back when.

Anyway... Congratulations, Future Kenny! You just got yourself a deux ex machina." I announce before absorbing the entire room into myself and making a time portal into this timeline's past right after.


The four of us then find ourselves right behind South Park Elementary School at the beginning of season 22.

"Okay, I sent us a few weeks before Randy moved his family to the farm. That should be more than enough time for you to decide how you want to change things. Remember, it was Shelly getting in trouble at school that caused Randy to move away from South Park. Y'know, the incident with bribing and the picture of a dog's butthole? That one."

(A/N: Season 22 Episode 4 "Tegridy Farms")

"Oh, you may still want to keep on him for a while after stopping that from happening. The whole thing with Shelly was like the straw that broke the camel's back, so if you're not just gonna outright kill him, then at least keep an eye on him until he chills the fuck out... or 'coincidentally' finds himself in ManBearPig's path a few months down the line."


"Are... are we really back? Just like that?" Future Kenny stammers in disbelief.

"Just like that. Believe me, this is nothing compared to what Dovah can do. He can destroy entire planets and make Cthulhu, God, and Satan his bitches!" Tricia brags and I rub the back of my head awkwardly.

"Uhhh, something like that, yeah. Well, we have other stuff to do and other timelines to travel to so... good luck I guess."

"Thanks, and by any chance do you have any extra cash? I wasn't planning on heading back to the past today sooo..." Oh, right. That may be an issue. I create a stack of hundred dollar bills for him to use with my godly creation powers and hand it to him.

"This should cover you for a while. Don't worry, they aren't counterfeit or anything. I had no problems using them myself before. Okay then; good luck, dude, and try not to die for good this time around.

Also, I'm not sure if you automatically got your immortality back by coming to the past and actually staying here and testing that doesn't sound like a very good idea, so yeah, like I said, try not to die." I explain before creating another time portal and heading over with Tricia while Karen gives the adult version of her other big bro (Kevin McCormick doesn't count!) one last goodbye hug and good luck.

"One last piece of advice, dude. Maybe try using your Netherborn powers every once in a while if you're in a bit of a bind. Trust me on this, eldritch superpowers can be veeeerrry helpful for people." With that, I wave goodbye as the three of us head into the portal.


Well that didn't go as expected, but I got what I wanted and even did a good deed in the end so it all worked out. Onto the next adventure.

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