"That was your one goddamn job, Dovah - to protect the stick!"
"Like you did any better the day before, Cartman!" Kyle laughs at this clapback while a still-depressed Stan only chuckles a bit. Getting his ass kicked by his now ex girlfriend yesterday put a damper on his mood and losing the stick didn't really help with that.
"Alright look, it doesn't much matter HOW, the point is Clyde has the stick now and his army is bigger than either of ours." Stan explains.
"How many kids does Clyde have?" Cartman asks Butters.
"According to our last reports, Clyde has 14 kids from middle park, ALL the kids from Mrs. Braxton's fourth grade class, and ELEVEN sixth graders."
"My god..."
"We don't have a choice here. If we wanna get the stick back from Clyde, we're gonna have to join forces." Kyle declares, and Cartman opposes the idea, but the two factions end up uniting with the idea of recruiting more factions coming up soon after.
And guess who that responsibility falls to?
"It's up to you, dude. This is your chance to make things right. Go out and get people to join our kingdom. But this time, we are gonna need EVERYBODY. Do you understand?"
"I understand that a wretched, self-entitled, pointy-eared bastard is about to get his elven ass kicked a second time."
"Huh?"
"This ain't my fucking fault, Kyle. If you had the stick, Clyde would have stolen it from you last night. Same goes with Cartman. Goth kids, GIRLS, even the freaking PTA; you really think I can recruit EVERYONE in a day? You have legs and a mouth, don't you? Go out and do this shit yourself! I'll gather my own forces."
"Yeah! You heard him, jew elf!" Cartman adds on. "Go and get help already, I don't want to be around your jewish stench any longer than I have to be."
"How can you smell my so-called stench when you don't even have a nose, fatass?" An angry Kyle rebuttals which only adds fuel to the fat fire.
"I CAN NOT BELIEVE WHAT I AM HEARING!"
"HOW CAN YOU HEAR IT? YOU DON'T HAVE EARS EITHER!"
Yeah, still not entirely sure how that works for us. My best guess is animation logic.
Anyway, I have to separate the two before they get into yet another brawl and get them started on recruiting, something I refuse to do any more of myself. I also block them all so I'm not spammed with texts, calls, and voice messages of them begging for me to be their little errand boy.
Day three is fucking brutal for New Kid here. There is cut content for recruiting the pirates, federation, glee club, PTA, and the girls , don't even get me started on the fucking girls.
The former two were recruited by Kyle in the original and I'm making sure he does this shit here too. I don't have to worry about the plot changing too much since if anything, this brings it closer to the way it was during the original game.
The purple flames that emit from my hands plus the death glare seem to get Kyle off his high fucking horse as he stammers he'll get right on it. Cartman laughs at him until I tell him to get to work too and he doesn't argue.
"...Can you at least get the girls?"
"Fuck no. I'm not dealing with their shit." If you thought the girls' quest line in the original was annoying, then guess what, the cut content makes things ten times worse. There is so much shit the girls need help with, it can take up an entire game by itself.
Getting a school dance up and running by appealing to the PTA, getting a stolen list back that details which girls got to second base (99% of the boys don't even know what that MEANS if the corresponding cut cutscenes are anything to go by), helping Lola get her lost books back from the sewers where rats and zombies reside, helping Nichole get some stupid code for something at Tolkiens (that was supposed to be a day 1 quest, but got grouped in with all this other shit), uncovering the two-faced bitches among the Sunshine Sparkle group that are talking shit about the others... It's not just one this time, it's a whole fucking CLUB of them that New Kid has to break into by dressing up as a slut.
Speaking of sluts, the enemies you have to fight throughout this section primarily consist of girls dressed in their slutty outfits from season 8's "Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset", and don't even get me started on their attack arsenals. You were supposed to beat up more hookers as New Kid in this section than there are present in all the GTA games combined!
Did I mention that you would have to fight Paris Fucking Hilton as a boss? Her special ability, 'Vag Blast', is as disgusting and deadly as it sounds.
And we're not done with the quests yet, heavens no.
Helping Heidi with some stupid popularity quest, finding out if that one kid from the High School Musical parody episode (Bridon) likes Annie or not, delivering a fortune catcher for Bebe to a random girl and sneaking into said girl's house (and past her bitch of a babysitter) since she isn't allowed to see anyone at the moment, recruiting the cheerleaders (yet another faction of girls) onto whatever side you're on via yet another quest line, and the original shit, can't forget about the original shit. Just... AAAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!
(("Detecting that the host is having a mental breakdown.")) NO FUCKING SHIT!
I am NOT getting stuck recruiting the FUCKING GIRLS!!! No way! CUT! SKIP! FUCK THIS SHIT!!!
(("So no Canada then?")) NO!!!
Canada's got a bunch of extra shit too with the main cut questline being stopping a massive conspiracy planned by the NFL and Scott the Dick. Yes, the NFL I'm referring to is the National Football League; it's not another villain group abbreviation like LOD, GSM, SAC, or AARP.
You're also stuck with the Canadian Prince the entire time while trying to expose his imposter (spoilers: it's Scott the Dick) and that guy acts like a bigger dick then Scott who is supposed to be the biggest dick in Canada (it's part of the guy's name for a reason). If it were up to me, the prince would've been fucking dethroned by now.
(A/N: And yet the new Prince of Canada featured in Season 26 is somehow even more annoying than him. It's probably for the best that Dovah got transmigrated before that season came out.)
I was actually planning on taking him down during the Nahkriin War, but GSM, LOD, and the member berries halted my progress before I got that far.
Come to think of it, with New Kid's online influence powers, I could probably make that happen right now if I wanted to. Well, either that or I could just bust in and kill the prick. The Canadian Devil himself got fucking demolished by me during our last fight, so anything the prince throws together to stop me now wouldn't do jack shit.
(("Suggestion: keep your priorities straight")) Suggestion noted.
On that note, I do a quick check on the others' progress when I get back to South Park which leads me to the Community Center where Randy is hosting a PTA meeting and Stan looks like he's done with life.
"The PTA wants to thank you all for coming." Randy begins. "As you know, our town is being threatened by the development of a massive Taco Bell. One that probably won't even serve enchiritos. Our only hope is that we unite together to stop the Taco Bell once and for all."
"The PTA has never allowed crab people." One of the crab people in the audience pipes up.
"Yeah, or black people." A black guy dressed like a gangster adds on.
"We realized that and we're sorry." Randy responds. "But the PTA needs you now."
"Very well, but it has to be called the P.T.C.P.A. Parent-Teacher Crab People Association."
"No! No, P.T.U.C.P.A!" An Underpants gnome interrupts. "If crab people are in the name, so are underpants!"
"Canada has to be before gnomes!" A random Canadian guy takes his turn at name-changing. "Canadians Under North-american Teachers, Blacks, Underpants, and Regular People."
"Agreed!" Yells another crab person.
"I like it." Another random black guy adds.
"C.U.N.T.B.U.R.P? Come on everyone, I think 'PTA' sounds a little better than 'CUNTBURP'." Randy argues.
"If you want our help, then it must be 'CUNTBURP'!" The crab person argues back.
"Well what's the use of saving South Park if the headlines are gonna read, 'South Park saved by CUNTBURP'?"
"Let's go." An underpants gnome exclaims before heading towards the door.
"OKAY! OKAY, SORRY! Please, sit! Sit back down! Let's... let's get this first official meeting of 'CUNTBURP' back to business." Randy groans.
'...T.K, was that a-'
(("Another cut cutscene, yes. The only difference is that New Kid was supposed to be here instead of Stan."))
'Thank fuck I pawned off day 3 recruiting to Team Stan. I'd either rage quit or fall into a coma before the final battle even begins.'
(("Should I take measures to prevent that?")) No need, I already did. It's Team Stan's problem now.
The show's main characters can handle the game's main questline. I'm gonna go get some Red Lobster.
This version of SOT actually has one in town along with a few other well-known restaurants in my old life. I'm not saying that places like Red Lobster or McDonalds or Pizza Hut aren't present in canon South Park because they are, it's just that these restaurants aren't in the town of South Park.
The food is pretty good and I even find a hidden Chinpokomon lying around as I'm leaving which matches what I know about this cut area. I don't bother collecting it since I have no use for the toys; I'm not interested in going completionist mode here.
That's also why I'm just going to ignore the small side quest where you stop Red Lobster's staff from boiling Crab People alive and serving parts of their corpses to hungry customers.
King Crab apparently assigns this quest despite New Kid fighting the Crab People on two separate occasions beforehand (maybe it's to help make up for that and recruit the Crab People for CUNTBURP?) and the restaurant capturing and cooking them was originally City Sushi, but I guess the game developers changed that since the guy running the place died.
King Crab never assigned me that mission because King Crab was murdered and absorbed by me and I don't want to get kicked out of Red Lobster for trashing their kitchen and beating up their chefs, sooooo... yeah. Sorry, Crab People, but I'm hungry and also hate you, so tough luck.
Speaking of dinner quests, there was a originally a section of this game that took place in Hell and the questline there was apparently called 'Satan's Dinner Party', but considering that I have no idea where in Hell that section is located at or how to get down there or even what most of the quest even is, I'm just going to ignore it.
What I do know is that the three stooges- I mean murderers from season 10's "Hell on Earth 2006", Jeffrey, John, and Ted were going to be present there and have a shop where you could buy stuff and New Kid would also meet up with Satan at some point.
I also know a bit about the overall landscape in that section. There is tons of fire and lava (no shit), there are plenty of cages, torches, and skeletons around (it gives a real 'dungeony' vibe in my opinion), and you would have to fight a whole bunch of demons throughout that questline (again, no shit).
Other than that, I know nothing. I just don't see a point in going down there because besides a massive lack of information, the rewards just don't make the time and effort needed to get them worth it. If I wanted to absorb a couple dozen demons, then I would just summon and spawn kill them with T.K.
Sorry, Satan. You'll just have to handle your tea party problems yourself.
I head back to my house after I finish eating and have T.K. check up on Zenon's progress. The android may be a timid, nervous wreck most of the time, but he's incredibly efficient. He's got most of the checklist crossed off already and flying through any obstacles in his way while being as discreet as possible in the process as to not alert the Time Patrol.
(("Suggestion: take some notes on his actions")) What's that supposed to mean?
(("Host is smart. Figure it out.")) Call it a hunch, but I'm pretty sure that T.K. is starting to get influenced by my emotions and personality.
(("It is only your imagination.")) Sure it is.
Cut to the evening and while there isn't any cut content I know of that takes place after the recruitment shit on day 3, there are still plenty of changes. For starters, we aren't the ones attacking Clyde; Clyde and his army are the ones attacking us, or rather me.
The Fortress of Darkness shoots fireworks and other projectiles at Kupa Keep (where I am currently at) and the Elven Kingdom, trashing the two bases while hordes of soldiers on Clyde's side deal with the disorganized troops.
Clyde's forces in this timeline have waaaay less Nazi Zombies, but they do have dire animals, various demons, and even some aliens helping them out.
The alliance on the other hand has backup from the pirates, Glee Club, and the Federation, but not the girls. The people Cartman and Kyle sent to deal with them aren't even halfway done with all the quests the girls have right now.
Totally called it.
Now don't get me wrong, Clyde's actions were completely unexpected here, but I was honestly expecting that to be the case, especially considering how different this version of SOT is from the original.
The filterless goofball known as Clyde Donovan can be oddly competent at times; I've figured that much out from knowing him for so long. His brief stint as the Ruler of Darkness tends to be one of said times if both this and my timeline are anything to go by.
Flashback - Dovah's POV:
"The humans and elves of Zaron may be demoralized, but they'll no doubt rally together for one last shot at victory. Tonight, we will be crushing them once and for all!" The Dark Lord Clyde declares as me, Craig, and most of Clyde's other soldiers cheer in his throne room.
Clyde, emboldened by our approval, pulls a remote out of seemingly nowhere and clicks a button on it with humming sounds soon echoing throughout the throne room and a projector screen slowly coming down from the ceiling right in front of Clyde's, and I quote, 'Evil Chair of Evilness'.
That earned some raised eyebrows as that screen definitely wasn't there this morning.
Clyde then wheels in a cart with a projector out from behind the throne and turns it on, revealing a goddamn PowerPoint presentation with the title reading in giant, blocky letters:
The Ruler of Darkness and Keeper of the Stick Presents: The Aim to Destroy
Dark Lord Clyde's Totally Villainous Nightmare Scheme of Evilness
"When did... When did he have the time to set this up?" I hear Craig ask in disbelief. "We spent almost all morning at Raisins and-"
"Here is how we will be destroying the remaining heroes of Zaron for good." Clyde interrupts and uses his clicker again.
Step One: Evil Recruitment
"We have plenty of soldiers already, but it never hurts to have more. Our undead continue to spread throughout the town and they should be good enough cannon fodder for their grunts during the super awesome climactic final battle, but the heroes are going to be a problem because they're fucking heroes with plot armor."
"Amen." A dark warrior mumbles and Clyde gives a nod of approval before continuing.
"Dovah, you went to Canada yesterday and fought a bunch of dire animals, right?"
"Yeah? Why?"
"Well, I believe that getting some of those guys will be a great start to boosting our forces. Dire animals are already more vicious and dangerous then regular animals. Just imagine what Nazi Zombie Dire Animals would be like!
You'll be leading a fraction of my army to Canada to acquire some dark steeds for my warriors once this meeting is over. Understand?"
"Got it, boss."
(A/N: Happened in Chp 11 "The Dark Lord and his Sleep-Deprived Necromancer")
"As for other means of recruitment, I want at least one dark warrior per human or drow elf of Zaron and at least 5 per hero or ex-king. This excludes the Nazi Zombies by the way, those guys should be able to handle any other faction the heroes recruit.
Find them in an inn, help them with a quest, dance like a Raisins girl for all I care. Just get their attention and convince them to join us if they aren't already compelled to by the Stick of Truth. Oh, and no need to be picky with recruitment. Much like Cartman's mother, I will accept all comers."
He then clicks the remote again after the snickers die down and moves onto the next slide.
Spongebob Narrator - "45 Minutes Later"
Step Twelve: Environmental Factors
"Now for starters, our final battle with the good guys is probably going to happen at night. Keep in mind that using stuff like phones and flashlights is cheating, so dogpile and beat up anyone who does that."
"Anyone on their side, right?"
"Now we've got a whole bunch of torches set up to light up the fortress, but when it comes to the outside of it, try to use the darkness to your advantage. Also, from what I've seen in video games and TV shows, windy, rainy weather and final battles go hand in hand with each other, so make sure to wear some kind of face-covering to get rid of that disadvantage if needed."
"Uhhh, I already checked the weather and it says that there should be no rain for-"
"Climactic final battles won't be hindered by crappy weather channels, Feldspar. Moving on..."
Step Thirteen: Battle Tactics
"Our enemies are probably not going to bother sticking with the turn-based RPG fighting rules we had going on anymore, so don't bother waiting patiently for your opponent to attack when in a fight.
Also, charging into small battles with grunts is fine, but you're going to need strategy for boss battles. Especially heroes who's plot armor seems to render the HP of most opponents to 1.
Chief Assassin Feldspar, Necromancer Dovahkiin, you mind coming up here and giving a demonstration? Might as well bundle this and Step 12 together to save a bit of time."
Spongebob Narrator - "One and a Half Hours Later"
Step Twenty Nine: Attack
"Haven't we gone over that in like... seven previous steps?"
"Only certain aspects of it, Feldspar. Now would you mind coming up for another demonstration?"
"Uuuuggghhhh, why not Dovah?"
"Because the only things keeping him awake right now are drugs and spite."
"Pretty much, yeah. Look on the bright side, Cra- Feldspar. At least there aren't any more data charts and graphs to go over, right?"
"..."
"Right, Clyde?"
Present:
That presentation may have been a tremendous pain in the ass to get through, but damn, if it wasn't effective. Kenny banded together waaaaay more soldiers then I thought he would and even then, the overall strategy of buying time for the Nazi Zombies to infect our opponents worked like a charm.
This timeline's Clyde seems to be taking a more aggressive approach for this battle, but this could still work out for me. The New Kid becomes king by uniting the forces of good against Clyde and I can still do that here.
Well, here goes nothing.
I create a bunch of milkspawn and use my Netherborn clothes beam to disguise them as regular kids in fantasy LARP costumes that cover up their bodies. We then head on over to where most of the action is happening.
The humans and elves are still running around like chickens with their heads cut off when I arrive on the scene.
'Seriously, what the fuck are these guys even doing?'
(("Splitting your group when faced by something potentially threatening is referred to as 'Scooby-Doo Tactics' by the United States and most of Western Europe and is generally considered to be a horrible idea.")) No kidding.
"COME THE FUCK ON, ELVES! 95% OF THESE GUYS ARE MELEE FIGHTERS SO EVEN YOU ASSHOLES SHOULD BE CAPABLE OF SNIPING THEM!"
"Hey, Stan? Is Cartman trying to be helpful or is he just being an asshole?"
"Who knows, though does it really matter? I mean either way, he's still full of shit."
I remember Kenny telling me way back when that I would get speeches down eventually by being here. I feel like the speech I did earlier today to that one elf was good, but double checking wouldn't hurt.
"Humans! Elves! We cannot let this be the end! The army of darkness may have numbers, it may have superior strength and sorcery, but you know what it doesn't have?"
"What?" A dark warrior asks condescendingly.
"It doesn't have the Dragonborn. " I have one of my milk spawn play "The Song of the Dragonborn" as I start to march forward.
"The Army of Darkness is more powerful than the human and elf armies, so let's just create an army more powerful than them! From hall monitors and vampires to dragons and krakens, I have yet to lose in battle and I don't intend for that streak to end here. Follow me. Let ME be your new king and join me as Clyde's army is slaughtered and the Stick of Truth is retrieved!"
I then use a large dose of Zarganor's mind-control powers on both Kyle and Cartman before they can object and use those two to help rally everyone else under me. I couldn't do it before as their soldiers would believe I was up to something (the 180 personality change would definitely be noticed), but things are different now.
Desperate times call for desperate measures after all.
As for the option of simply mind-controlling the entire town before doing the 'promotion' ritual, I'm pretty sure that this needs to at least be somewhat authentic to work. With so many people genuinely supporting me here, the promotion ritual should go off without a hitch.
"He's right. I saw that kid one-shot both a dragon and a kraken! Clyde is nothing!"
"That guy single-handedly led the humans to victory against the elves. I'm in." The fighters of Zaron all start showing support as Kyle and Cartman walk up to me and kneel.
"The human and elf armies are no more. Let us create the ultimate force to combat the armies of darkness." Cartman exclaims (as per my instructions).
"We hereby promote you to 'King Dovah'. Lead us to victory, my lord." Kyle declares and the kids all cheer as I feel something awaken inside of me.
(("New power detected. "King" class acquired. Abilities 'Royal Fisting', Pyroclasm', and 'Hammer of Heavenly Reign' acquired. Physical power and energy levels are undergoing massive improvements. Activate use of new class?")) That sounds good to me.
Fire slowly starts pouring out of me, but it isn't blue, red, or purple. It's golden and forms a bright aura around me as I begin to transform.
'The Past New Kid I saw in TFBW never showed power like this!'
(("The Past New Kid you saw in TFBW wasn't using it properly just like Kenny wasn't using his Netherborn powers properly until you came along."))
I see your point. This class won't be limited to roleplay, it will be integrated with the ever-expanding arsenal of powers I've gained throughout the years in South Park!
My physical strength skyrockets and my energy is now overflowing, but T.K. quickly gains control and perfects this new class with not a drop of energy going to waste after only a few seconds. The knowledge on how to use the abilities this class has is also instinctual and several royal golden weapons are bonded to me during this process.
A golden light encompasses the entire town and soon dissipates with me now dawning a golden crown and red cape alongside my normal outfit, signifying the newly-added third class in my arsenal.
'Hail to the king, bitches!'
Unknown to me or even T.K. at the time, this ritual also awakened a long-dormant consciousness that's been trapped in my mind.
A kid who looks exactly like me looks around confused for a bit before shrugging and heading over to the geyser of flames making up my soul. Memories from two separate lives gradually come to his mind, but he maintains the muteness and poker face he's so well known for.
He soon arrives at his destination where blue, red, and now golden flames surround the purple geyser with the golden flames in particular resonating with the kid.
He then touches the golden flames and both a golden crown and red cape appear on him, the true king.
The original New Kid then forms a determined look on his face as he notices one last color making up the multi-colored pillar of flames in front of him... black.