"Y'know, normally I'd be insulted that a couple of numbnuts were sent to bring me to whatever this police force of yours is, but it's probably for the best that I'm being underestimated right now." I monologue as I walk across the three tied up bodies I threw into one of the Chili Con Carnival's booth things.
These kids aren't even South Parkers, just random goons.
"I mean, if grunts like you are getting tech this advanced, then just imagine what-"
"ENOUGH with the monologuing, asshole!" Grunt number one interrupts my tangent and I just sigh in response.
"Look, I told you guys, if you're gonna call me anything, it better be Maybe. 'Cause I just met you. And this is crazy."
"Do you have any idea who you're messing with right now, Dovahkiin?"
"No, but a hundred people surveyed, number one answer on the board: Name the douchebag who's in charge."
"Vincent... Van Go %&#$ Yourself."
"Hmm. Vincent Van Go %&#$ Myself. Survey says..."
(("Trapper Keeper ready for absorption."))
"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
"GAAAHHH!" "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Grunts 1 and 2 freak out as my arm turns into a mess of wires that eat grunt 3's legs.
(("Message from Zenon. He wants to know if your okay because he hears screaming.")) Tell him I'm fine.
My brobot is like an innocent child right now and I'm not tainting him by having him witness one of my rampages.
(("Pretty sure he already-")) So I told him to just have fun at the carnival for now until I finish working. The roller coasters and ferris wheels are pretty nice when you don't have to worry about legions of ginger robots murdering you mid-ride.
"YOU FUCKING SON OF A HOAR!!!"
"Save it for the 'Fast Money Round', grunt number 3. Now grunt number 2, hundred people survey, number one answer still on the board: Name the douchebag who's in charge!"
"..."
"EHEH! Need an answer!" The fucker then spits at me.
"Hmm, cock-flavored spit." I mutter after wiping it off. "Well, you never know what's gonna be on the board. LET ME SEE COCK-FLAVORED SPIT..."
(("Trapper Keeper ready for absorption."))
"AAAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHAAAAA!!!!"
"You guys, that's two strikes. One more and the gingerbots get a chance to steal the bank!" Not being able to read their minds is very annoying to put it lightly. I even tried combining Bewitched Beckoning and Zarganor's mental powers, but I still can't get by that stupid mental barrier they all have up.
I thought it was their armor doing this at first, but I already tore the metal suits off their bodies and they don't have any cybernetic implants in them according to T.K's scanners. That means a telepath has to be responsible and considering how easily my attacks are being ward off, this guy isn't an amateur. They're probably far beyond even Timmy from my timeline.
(("Report: Subjects have a telekinetic static barrier around their brains which interfere with any signals sent to their minds with the hosts own telepathic abilities. Cannot disable at the moment, but the telepath responsible can't read their minds when doing this either. They would have to put the barrier down first.")) Yeah, not even Timmy from my timeline could do something that precise.
"Y'know, for grunts, you guys are seriously loyal to whatever cause this is, and you don't strike me as batshit insane cultists either. I'm guessing the telepathy in you does more than protect you from outside influences; it controls you at least partially as well."
"Oh, go shove those ginger robots up your ass!"
"Alright, this clearly isn't working. T.K?"
"Well look at the fuckin' tough guy here. What, you're gonna kill us for mouthing off?"
"I wasn't going to, but you kinda talked me into it."
(("Trapper Keeper ready for absorption."))
I couldn't get anything from these asses, but at least they didn't deliver any intel to the main group. Even so, the goons they send next time will probably be a bit better if I don't cover this shit up, asap.
And if we do end up doing the same song and dance again, well, I'll be doing my interrogations at the South Park Institute for Mental Health next time. If Butters' 'treatment' back in season 9 doesn't break them, then I don't know what will.
I spent the next hour or so making it seem like Tenorman (in his giant ginger mech) fought the trio and everyone ended up dying as a result.
Hopefully whoever is backing them thinks that these failures are just coincidences and don't send anyone too tough or competent after me next as I still have work to do and powers to obtain. Maybe once I'm done with this newest batch of missions for myself, I'll start fighting them head on.
I call Zenon back and after handing him my 'Multiversal Shopping List 2.0', I instruct him to gather a list of materials from several timelines to both upgrade himself with and help me craft a brand new Dragonsbane for myself with some help from T.K.
I also have my personal A.I. put in one of the goon's timecores into my ally A.I. with some slight modifications with the hopes of throwing these Time Patrollers off for a bit.
He'll be collecting some alien tech, future tech, another golden crab claw scepter and Canadian Devil's trident, some power crystals from visitors ships, and a bunch of other stuff while I go and find another timeline where the games are canon and play Stick of Truth again to unlock the 'Almighty King Douchebag' class.
Once the plan is set, we split up and I travel from timeline to timeline, trying to find one where a New Kid/Dovahkiin is present as well as having it be at the start of SOT. The first part was easy thanks to mastering TimeFart Leap back when I first got T.K.
(A/N: Chp 88 "Evolution")
I can control both when and where I end up now. The second part was much more difficult as getting in the correct timeline to begin with is still a work in progress for us. It's up to me to 'believe in myself' according to Freeman in canon TFBW, but it seems to be a bit more complicated than that in quote unquote 'real life'.
At least I knew what I was looking for during this project. I just kept time-hopping to New Kid's house (or the spot it's supposed to be at) when the kid first moved to South Park and if I see New Kid in their room at that moment, then it should be the correct timeline.
Attempt #1:
I appear in what looks like a stereotypical apocalyptic wasteland.
Looks like this timeline got a bad ending. Next!
Attempt #2:
"Dayusen ohunaum! Hippitus hoppitus reus doneaaa!"
Last I checked, SOT doesn't involve bunny cults. Next!
Attempt #5:
"WHAT AMERICAN DOING HERE?!"
"I don't know. Why are you here, Lu Kim? Or did you forget about your multiple personality disorder again, Dr. Janus?"
"Jiandie! Shale ta!"
"Cool, you go do that." Next!
Attempt #12:
"Hello, buddeh!"
"...Am I looking at Team Stan as Canadians right now?"
(("Conclusion: it appears so."))
"What are you talking about, fwiend?"
"He's not your friend, guy!"
"I'm not your guy, buddeh!"
"Mmfh mfphf mfph mpffph, mfmpffh!"
Nope. Next!
Attempt #17:
"T.K, why are we in space? I thought we had the spacetime coordinates locked in already?"
(("We do, host."))
"...Oh. Ohhhhhh." Next!
Attempt #31:
"Is that Stan as a SUPER SAIYAN?!?"
(("Analysis: most likely not. Scanners aren't picking up any abnormal energy in him. He likely just has blond hair in this timeline."))
"Let a man dream, T.K!" Next!
Attempt #44:
"AAAAAAHHHHH!!! IT'S EATING MY FUCKING FACE!!!!!"
(("Alert: 'Karma' detected."))
"Jesus christ, dude!"
"Heheheh. Y'know, this kinda reminds me of that show-"
"SAY ONE FUCKING WORD ABOUT BIG BANG THEORY AND I'LL EAT YOUR FUCKING FACE, CARTMAN!!!"
Next!
Attempt #51:
"Isn't this supposed to be New Kid's house?"
(("Notice: Alternate timelines may result in people living in different areas then normal."))
"Riiiight, multiverse bullshit."
"OOOH, Jesus Christ!"
"Take it, Mr. Slave! Take it!"
"*sigh* We really need to figure this shit out soon or this is gonna get average South Park fanart-level weird."
(("Notice: we already saw the 'Team Leader Trio' in a polycule nine attempts ago. It already has, host.")) Fair enough. Next!
Attempt #56:
"oooooooOOOOOOOHHHHHHHhhhhhh... yiiiip yip yip yipyipyip."
"NO!!!!" Next!
Attempt #- HOLD IT! STOP THE TALLY, WE HAVE A DOVAHKIIN!
After some more awkward time traveling shenanigans, I finally get a SOT timeline on my 58th try and I find myself face to face with a New Kid who looks completely different from me in terms of clothes and hair.
'By the way, have there been any signs of incursions happening from me timeline hopping, T.K? I'm 99 percent sure that isn't a thing here, but better to be safe than sorry.'
(("No signs of incursions detected.")) Ok, good.
Now where was I? Oh, right. This New Kid's hair is black instead of brown and a bit longer than mine, he's wearing a green sweatshirt and gray sweatpants, and his eyes are blue instead of brown.
Now this is actually the third New Kid I've technically seen besides myself and past self with the first one being the past one I summoned through the timefart summon ability and the second one being the New Kid I did TFBW with right after I ran from my own timeline. Both of those New Kids actually did look like me, which I thought was strange, but it appears that this was just a coincidence after all.
The Timefart Summon one makes sense since it's a past version of the New Kid who I inhabited, but I found it odd that the second one looked like me as well. Was that Freeman's doing or sheer coincidence thanks to my goals of changing the past when time-farting for the first time in this reality?
My goal when escaping Butters back then was to change the past and I was sent to the past, just in another timeline. That timeline's New Kid happened to look exactly like me, but wasn't 'me' me, so I guess I just didn't believe in myself hard enough back then if it wasn't Freeman's doing.
'Seems like age and personality are still somewhat consistent based on the variations of New Kid that I've seen so far, but I don't know what the multiverse's rules are yet, so I shouldn't draw any conclusions without getting a lot more data first... frankly, the multitude of universes out there sound like a massive fanfic of varying quality. What fun that'll be to explore.' I think to myself as New Kid just stands there, continuing to be the mute main protagonist he is.
Another thing to note in this New Kid conundrum is the fact that the body of the New Kid I inhabited looked so similar to me in the first place with everything from the hair to the clothes being the same as what I had in my old reality.
My hypothesis is that Freeman was either responsible for me ending up in this exact timeline or just straight up made a South Park timeline just for me to inhabit. This would play into my other theory that the enemies I had to face in that timeline like the demons and Lovecraft stuff were stronger then they were supposed to be due to Freeman's meddling.
Unfortunately, the only person who can confirm my theories is Freeman himself and with how unreliable he tends to be, I'm not holding my breath.
"Sorry dude, but considering the hell you have to go through here, I'd consider this mercy." I have T.K. quickly and painlessly absorb the New Kid after that apology and begin analyzing him.
No, I didn't just kill him to take his place. I also want to know if there are any differences between the New Kid whose body I inhabited and a quote unquote "normal" New Kid. Whether it be the farts and social media powers or something else entirely, I'm willing to take anything I can get to put together more pieces of this puzzle.
I refuse to believe that Freeman isn't up to something here. There has to be something else to this little experiment of his that I'm not seeing. I'll be getting my answers one way or another.
(("Beginning comparison... Body of Subject: 'New Kid' resembles that of host's original form 95%.")) 95%? This is counting stuff like hair and eye color, right? I want to know the important stuff.
(("Reanalyzing... Body of Subject: 'New Kid' resembles that of host's original form 100%.")) No differences? Seriously?
(("Theory: The difference lies in the soul and/or mind instead of the body.")) Well, the knowledge and experiences I have obviously put me at a massive advantage when compared to a regular Dovahkiin, but the soul? That's an interesting concept.
Did my soul and the soul of Dovahkiin merge when I was isekai'd here? Or was New Kid's soul straight up removed when I took over the body? Can you look into that more, T.K?
(("Lack of expertise and data in that area will cause difficulties. Proceed anyway?")) Yeah, but keep that as a side project for now. I need you to be alert in case any more Time Patrollers come knocking.
(("Understood.")) Once that's all cleared up, I quickly use Zarganor's powers to mindfuck with this New Kid's parents a bit as to avoid dealing with their bullshit and... that's odd. They seem to look a bit different to how they normally look in canon.
This New Kid looked different too though so maybe that's just a timeline thing? Whatever, that's no big deal.
Anyway, I walk out to see Butters getting beaten up by an elf.
'Well, here we go again.' This time, I'll be making sure the story goes exactly the same so I still end up as king and get whatever ritual thing New Kid had done to them applied to me.
Royal Fisting, Pyroclasm, Hammer of Heavenly Reign; those abilities will be mine.
And I can't forget about the golden scepter and hammer that come with the latter two abilities. I'll be adding both of those weapons into Dragonsbane 2.0 to increase its power even further.
I save Butters from the elf and he takes me to Kupa Keep where... there are more people than there are supposed to be. Along with Cartman, Kenny, Scott, Clyde, and Butters, there are also some human footsoldier background characters here. That's strike one.
The human kingdom also seems to be a fair bit bigger than it's supposed to be with multiple tents, armories, and watchtowers throughout a yard that's like 10 times bigger than normal with no houses even close to it. That's strike two.
"Very well, Douchebag. You will now choose a class: Fighter, Mage, Thief, Jew, or Cleric." Cleric was supposed to be a class in Stick of Truth, but it got cut before the game was released. That's strike three.
Frankly, New Kid's parents looking so vastly different to the ones I saw in both my own timeline and the canon TFBW timeline should've clued me in.
This is Stick of Truth, just not the canon Stick of Truth.
Fucking multiverse bullshit.