Ships: Jeongin x Chan
Plot: Chan is angry because of something and doesn't let anyone talk to him.
TW: suicidal thoughts, mentions of self-harm, blood and scars
"DADDY!" Jeongin screamed and ran over to his caregiver.
He threw himself into Chan's arms and hugged him tightly.
"Innie. Let go! I need to clear something up!" Chan said and shoved Jeongin harshly away. The little gasped and held his hurting shoulder.
"Go play something with your toys, but leave me alone! I need some time to think." Jeongin watched in horror as Chan slammed the door of his room and locked it.
Tears fell out of his eyes and he sank down on the ground. He didn't know what was going on with Chan. So he pulled himself out of little space and went up to the olders room.
He softly knocked, before he called him. "Hyung? What's up with you?"
He received no answer.
"Please Hyung! Answer me." His bottom lip trembled and he knocked again, receiving silence.
With mixed feelings, he returned to his room and let himself slide into little space again.
"Daddy angwie.." He whispered and took his toys out.
He continued to play with his toys, but his heart was filled with worry. He missed the warmth and affection of his caregiver, Chan, who had always been there for him. Jeongin didn't understand why Chan was acting this way, and it hurt him deeply.
Days turned into weeks, and Chan remained distant. The other members of their group noticed the tension too, but no one seemed to know what had caused the sudden change in Chan's behavior.
They all felt sorry for Jeongin and tried to talk with Chan, but the leader was always busy and not even home, probably sleeping in his studio.
One evening, as Jeongin was lying in his bed, he heard a soft knock on his door. He looked up with hope in his eyes and called out, "Daddy?"
To his surprise, it wasn't Chan who entered the room, but one of their fellow members, Hyunjin. He had a concerned expression on his face as he sat down beside Jeongin.
"Hey, Innie," Hyunjin began gently, "I know things have been tough lately, but I think I know why Chan Hyung has been acting this way."
Jeongin looked up at Hyunjin, his eyes filled with curiosity and sadness. "Why, Hyung? Why won't Channie talk to me?"
Hyunjin sighed and explained, "I overheard Chan talking on the phone a while ago. It seems like he's been going through some personal issues and stress. He didn't want to burden you with it, so he's been trying to distance himself."
Tears welled up in Jeongin's eyes again, but this time, they were tears of understanding. He didn't want to be a burden to his Daddy, but he also didn't want to be kept in the dark.
"But why does he treat me like this?" Hyunjin sighed. He didn't have an answer for it. Chan probably too.
"I don't know. I would think that he is not in the right headspace to look after you. He is only running from the next appointment to the next and so on.
I can understand that he is stressed, but he shouldn't treat you like this. It would be better to just admit that he is stressed and needs some time alone or help with looking after you."
"Can I do something to help, Hyung?" Jeongin asked with a pout.
Hyunjin smiled warmly and ruffled Jeongin's hair. "I think just knowing that you care and want to be there for him will mean the world to Chan. Maybe, once he's ready, he'll open up to you. But keep in mind that he shouldn't have pushed you away like this."
The day after the talk with Hyuniin, Jeongin had made it his mission to search for Chan and talk with him. He didn't want to let his caregiver suffer like this.
As expected, Jeongin found Chan in his studio, but not working. The older was asleep, his head on the desk and the computer still turned on.
Jeongin bit his lip and held back tears when he saw Chan like this.
Without any further doubt, he marched up to Chan, carefully pulled the chair away from the table, and rolled it towards the couch.
Chan stirred when he was moved, but not even a minute after that he was already lying between Jeongin's legs, his head on the younger's chest and dead asleep again.
Jeongin softly smiled and pushed the hair out of the olders face, admiring him. His hand automatically caressed the olders head, making Chan lean opinion the touch.
Sometimes the caregiver also needed to get taken care of...
A few hours later, Jeongin had forbidden everyone, even the staff to come in, just because it could wake Chan up. The older clearly looked like he needed every second of sleep he could get.
Chan stirred and opened his eyes. Since this was obviously not the position he fell asleep in he was completely disoriented.
"Hey," Jeongin whispered and lifted Chan's head up.
When their eyes met Chan flinched and quickly looked away.
"Hyung, we have to talk!" Jeongin said in the silence.
Chan nodded but still looked away.
Jeongin sighed and grabbed Chan's chin, making him look at him again.
Tears had whelped up in the olders eyes, threatening to run down his cheeks.
"I'm so...sorry, Innie!" Chan's mask finally broke.
The Tears ran over his cheeks and his body was shaking violently.
His hands were holding tightly onto Jeongin's shirt, soaking it with tears.
Jeongin was shocked by the sudden outburst of the older.
He had expected that Chan would've been cold and tried to make him go away instead of him suddenly breaking down.
"Hyung, it's okay. You're safe here," Jeongin whispered and placed his arms around Chan, holding him tightly.
"I won't hurt you... you can let it all out. I'll be here for you and I'll listen to you."
The younger began to rock to the right and left with him, whispering more calming words in the olders ear, successfully calming him down after some time.
"Can you tell me what's going on in your mind?" Chan shook his head. He didn't want to let Jeongin see him vulnerable.
He was the caregiver and should be the one to look after Jeongin, not the other way around!
"Please, Channie. You've been so distant and I want to help you.
I can tell that you aren't fine. You don't sleep properly and I can tell if you eat regularly, but I can see and feel that you lost much weight. I don't even know when you came the last time out of this studio. You missed dance practice so often.
Please, let me help you..." Jeongin begged.
But Chan only shook his head again and sat up.
From the look on his face, he was hurting and the position was uncomfortable for him. He quickly stood up, but had to hold onto the chair to not fall down.
Suddenly, before Jeongin could even react, Chan stumbled over the leg of the chair and had to make a big step forward to not fall.
"Hyung, are you okay?" Jeongin helped Chan to stand up, before forcing him back into the chair.
"Everything is fine," Chan mumbled, already wanting to roll to the desk with the chair, but Jeongin stopped him.
"Hyung, why are you bleeding?" His eyes were fixed on Chan's thigh, where the pants started to soak with blood.
Chan's eyes widened.
"Pants down, now!" Jeongin said in a strict tone, not wanting to hear any argument.
Chan bit his lip and stood up. With shaky hands he bullied the pants down, showing Jeongin his legs.
His right leg was wrapped in a blood-soaked bandage.
His left leg wasn't, but Jeongin could easily identify thin but deep cuts.
Without even noticing it, Tears were streaming down his face.
He couldn't believe that this was what Chan had been going through all this time.
"Sit down, I'll get you another bandage." With that Jeongin stormed out, running to the nurse from their company.
When he had received the bandages, he sprinted back to Chan, not wanting to leave the older one alone for another second.
Chan was sitting on the couch, his pants completely thrown away and he was trying to unwrapp the bandage.
His hands were shaking and the tears were already dripping down on his legs.
Jeongin locked the door behind himself, not wanting that anyone else could see Chan like this.
"Hyung, you can tell me everything. I won't judge you! I want to help you, just like you always helped me back in the debut times."
The younger had kneeled down and unwrapped the bandage. Nothing could prepare him for what was underneath.
The cuts were deep and had re-opened, so they were hurting much more.
The only good thing was that Chan already cleaned them.
"Can I wipe the blood away or do you want to do it?" Jeongin held a wet washing-cloth infront of him.
Chan hesitantly pointed at Jeongin. The younger smiled and began to gently wipe the blood away.
"There's cream in my bag," Chan whispered when Jeongin was done. The latter crawled towards the bag and pulled the cream out, also finding something else.
He held the knife in and threw a worried look at Chan, who wouldn't dare to face Jeongin.
"Here. If you want my help I want you to give it to me."
Chan blinked as he saw the knife that was held infront of him.
"I want this to be a sign that you trust me and let me help you." Chan nodded and took the knife in his hands. With a sniffle, he placed it back in Jeongin's hands.
"Please, help me. Even if my behavior was very rude.." Chan whispered as he closed Jeongin's hand around the knife.
"I'll help you. I want to make sure that Hyung knows that he is loved and can talk with me!"
Jeongin carefully applied the cream to both of Chan's legs. From the look of the olders face, it looked like it burnt very much, but the older didn't say a word.
When he finished applying the cream, he wrapped the bandages around both of the legs, wanting to prevent Chan from hurting himself if he wasn't there.
Then he helped Chan to pull up his pants again and sat him on the couch.
"Hyung, can you show me your arms and stomach." Chan only nodded and pulled his jacket and shirt up, revealing his bare skin.
"Wouldn't do it here, 'cause others might see it.." Chan explained. Jeongin let out a breath that he had been holding and hugged Chan tightly.
"Can you please tell me the reason you did this?" Jeongin asked as he pulled Chan on his lap.
"The staff are talking behind my back, about my figure and that I can't do anything.
They also started to talk about our relationship and they were already suspecting things, so I had to stay away from you to protect your secret from being discovered.
Since I was alone most of the time I was overthinking everything and suddenly I was sitting here, with blood streaming down my leg. I don't know what came over me.
I forgot my meds inside of the dorms, but I couldn't go back, since I couldn't face you.
Every day it became worse and every day the urge to end it all became bigger.
I don't know how often I wanted to do it, but I never had the courage to do it..."
When Chan had finished Jeongin kept silent.
"I'm so sorry Innie, I should've talked with you." Chan sobbed.
"It's okay, Hyung. You really should've talked with me, but I understand you. I know that it's not easy for you to open up and be vulnerable, especially since you're my caregiver and you probably think that you shouldn't be taken care of at the moment, but sometimes it's okay.
If you need it I'm glad to be there for you and help you. Just like you allowed me to be myself with you I want you to be yourself with me!" Chan nodded and grabbed Jeongin's hand.
"I'm sorry that I caused this much stress for you, but I wasn't able to look after you mentally. When I'm better I want to catch up on everything I missed with my little." He promised.
"Only if you are better and feel able to look after me. Seungmin also loves to look after me and did a good job. I won't replace you, but he will be looking after me for the next few weeks or days.
As long as it takes for you to get better."
A few weeks had passed and Chan was getting much better. They had informed the members to keep sharp tools away from him and to monitor him while cooking or when he was shopping, so he couldn't hurt himself or even get the idea. It was very stressful for Chan at the beginning.
It took a long time for him to understand that the members, especially Jeongin only wanted their best for him.
He relapsed a few times, somehow finding something sharp while the others were away, but Jeongin was always there to assure him that this was part of healing.
Today, Chan nervously stood infront of Jeongin's room. He was holding Seungmin's hand for support. A few days ago, he felt ready to look after Jeongin again, so he discussed it with the other members to surprise Jeongin.
Seungmin had promised to tell him when Jeongin was in little space again, so Chan could surprise the little.
"Hyung, he'll be very happy to see you again. He always asks when you will look after him again." Seungmin assured and opened the door.
Jeongin stopped what he was doing and looked up. When he saw Chan entering behind Seungmin his face lit up and he was on his feet within seconds.
"DADDY!" He yelled and stormed to Chan, throwing himself in the olders arms.
Tears ran over their cheeks. Both were happy to hold each other again.
"I'm so sorry little flower!" Chan sobbed and buried his face in Jeongin's chest. The little happily smiled and hugged Chan back.
He knew that his caregiver wasn't doing good and he had already forgiven him for his behaviour.
"M' happy chu here, daddy!" Jeongin replied and held Chan closer, both didn't want to let go of each other.
Seungmin silently walked out of the room, letting the two have their moment after months without each other.
"I missed you so much. I will never push you away like this again, flower." Chan promised the little and looked him in the eyes.
"I missed chu too! Flower hopes that Daddy's better now." Chan nodded.
After a few minutes, they let go of each other and Jeongin pulled Chan more into the familiar room to play.
Seungmin silently watched the two play, ready to burst into the room if something happened. But nothing happened.
Chan was happy to finally spend time with his little again. He would do everything to heal so that he could look after Jeongin.
Before some of you ask, why there isn't much little space, it's because I wanted to adress that sometimes the caregivers also need to be looked after.