"You may notice the crane hanging precariously over your dear friend Butters' little home."
"Butters? Pfft, dude fuck Butters."
"Shut up Cartman, this is serious!"
"I am serious, Kyle."
"His life is in your hands. Hurry now, hahahaha." Not gonna lie, I'm not exactly in a rush to save Butters.
Now while some people might think I'm being unnecessarily cruel towards other versions of him, you try having your entire life plus the lives of your friends and family ruined by someone and not feel a little lingering hatred for that person if you see them, even if they are a different version of that person.
The junkyard is the next spot we've been going through and we finally got some sleep (after fighting for like 20 hours straight) on some old mattresses which, out of everyone in Team Stan, only Kenny didn't complain about.
We ended up just exchanging a few random stories involving our crazy-ass lives until the team of main protagonists fell asleep. It was a relaxing change of pace when compared to fighting endless waves of gingerbots and mutant chimeras covered in asses.
"So when my timeline's Kenny and I arrived at the outback, we went on a tour where Kenny decided to say out loud that he was expecting everyone who lives here to be wearing fedoras and camo gear.
We got called some words that I didn't even know were legal to say anymore and were left stranded for three days, waiting for something cool to happen. We eventually got picked up by a little red plane that was being piloted by a fat sasquatch who became Kenny's go-to international drug dealer."
"He sounds like a better pilot than Lu Kim ever was."
"Yeah, I'm pretty sure the guy snorted like half the petrol he brought to fuel the thing before picking us up and according to Kenny, he was still a better pilot than Lu Kim."
(A/N: Season 7 Episode 15 "It's Christmas in Canada". Lu Kim was right to call his 'Shitty Airlines' the wrong choice for air travel. Kenny was right to assume that he was going to die again mid-flight.)
While I don't really need much rest thanks to my enhancements, the others are a completely different story. I just used the time to practice some new abilities and take a look at my current body thanks to some reports from T.K.
I also made some more plans for the future because this adventure isn't going to last forever. After seeing what the New Kid in the first timeline I traveled to did with his 'King' class powers, I decided to go and play Stick of Truth again, only this time, I'll be sticking to the script a lot more than I did the first time around.
Once I become king and get that arsenal of abilities, I'll head on over to Imaginationland and abuse the living hell out of it like Butters did.
Speaking of, we managed to save him from getting crushed by junk and found Tenorman's own tower to Heaven soon after. This is another one of the main things I wanted from this journey.
Since the Satanic powers I acquired over the years have been so incredibly helpful throughout my second life, I figured that there should be some cool 'holy' powers for me to get my hands on as well that will be extremely useful down the line.
Come to think of it, the tower to heaven that Team Stan made in season 6's "A Ladder to Heaven" didn't manage to reach the place. That's the reason why I never bothered trying it out myself back in my own timeline. Looks like it's possible to get to heaven from Earth without dying (or being a supremely powerful other-dimensional being like Satan) after all.
Needless to say, I was very underwhelmed. How the hell did Satan and his army lose against these cowering dumbasses? Oh right, Kenny and his PSP.
To sum it all up, I couldn't find a single fucking power to add to my arsenal. I was mainly looking for holy abilities featured in Phone Destroyer like 'Hallelujah' and 'Purify', but those spells can apparently only be used by high-level holy power users such as Seraphim (basically elite angels in Christian lore), the Queen Spider, Jesus, and the Christian Chimera God instead of people with a card in a freemium game.
It's basically the Demon Child class issue all over again. Ugh.
Even if I could get them, I have Satanic healing and cleansing abilities that work wonders already, so they're pretty much useless to me outside of strengthening my ability combos. As for the buildings, the materials they were made of weren't any tougher then the alien and future tech currently making up my body, so they were useless too.
The only thing I could find that was interesting was a few healing fountains that have a similar function to the unplayable card in Phone Destroyer. It automatically slowly heals all nearby allies and when I had T.K. analyze it, I found out that there was no way for me to use the ability myself because it relies on Holy Water to work which I can't exactly carry a limitless amount of at all times.
I actually tried storing some genuine holy water I found lying around here in my Satanic Bag of Holding, but my bag just fucking barfed it back up two seconds later. Turns out that the 'Satanic' Bag of Holding doesn't like holy stuff being put in it. Who would've fucking guessed?
The angels themselves weren't anything special with my milk spawn and demon summons being stronger then most of them. I can't really merge with them either because while I have an excuse for the gingerbots and other enemies, I can't really kill and absorb angels without looking like a total dick.
They're also helping us fight the gingerbots so I would look like a traitor as well as a dick if I did that.
I wouldn't even get access to the abilities I had my eyes on by absorbing them just like how I wouldn't be able to access Demon Child abilities by absorbing regular demons and imps instead of antichrists.
There were also more gingerbots (in case that wasn't obvious already) and more of Mephesto's many-assed chimeras which gave me some more energy, but it was nothing much. Ironically enough, it was the demons that appeared towards the end of this section that helped me the most with energy accumulation.
The angels were somewhat able to hold the demons and gingerbots off with their 'holy' energy beams and blasts going against their demonic counterparts, but they really weren't anything special.
I know not absorbing at least a few angels now means missing out on potentially learning/analyzing at least some holy magic, but I'm willing to wait until after I'm done dealing with Tenorman to go back and explore that other magical path to power.
From what I've seen, they offer much less than the arsenal of demonic spells out there and the few that I know of are mainly healing spells which I have plenty of already, so it's no big deal.
The area after Heaven is Hell and I feel really fucking nostalgic for some reason when I first enter it despite this technically being my first time coming to this realm in any timeline. Maybe it's the demons I absorbed before... or the part of me that was once part of the Canadian Devil.
All the little demons we saw running around seemed fucking terrified of me and ran away. That didn't stop me from absorbing them though. I didn't have an excuse with the angels, but I do with these guys.
They have more energy than the gingerbots and it's magical in nature too which helps me a lot when I'm absorbing thousands of them. Even their weapons have a bit of energy in them which I take every last drop of.
I also have to protect Team Stan a lot more down here than I did during any other point of the journey since there is fire, lava, and demons everywhere and there's only so much these South Parkers can do against them.
I pretty much have to spam Dire Shroud and healing abilities for a while before eventually just asking if they want me to deal with this section for them myself which they agree to. I put the team in a shield again, but I don't blast my way through like I did in the towel factory because there's an abundance of energy here for the taking.
Even some of the terrain has evil red energy flowing through it which I gladly help myself to. I should go to hell more often! I'm sure my enemies would be glad to hear that until they realize exactly what I get out of going through with that suggestion.
Like with the 'future' section of this game, I stick around here for a while and go off into areas the levels in the game don't cover to get as much as possible from this section. T.K. can scan this realm for the time portals Team Stan are supposed to go through here thanks to all the data we've collected so far, so we don't have to worry about getting lost either.
During our journey through hell, I end up running into a few familiar faces. For starters, Veronica, the succubus from season 3's "The Succubus" is here and after a 30 second fight, I add another lifesteal ability to my arsenal. Granted, this one only works on men and is slower than other satanic lifesteal spells like Baleful Blessing and Life Hack, but I won't complain about my lifesteal combo getting better.
It isn't long before I find several more succubuses and even an incubus. I make sure to send Team Stan away this time as my barrier didn't prevent the last South Park sex demon from using its lifesteal on the boys. I'd prefer having my allies alive by the end of this adventure, thanks.
"Aww, not even one of them is a female? That's a pity." The incubus who is about as tall as a 6th grader sighs... and then pales as I let my power run wild.
"Well, at least now my latest lifesteal spell won't be exclusive to guys. Thanks for the free weakness patch." I exclaim with a smile on my face as I start walking towards him.
"Incubus means a nightmare induced by a demon, right? You guys seduce and drain away people's life force, with females being your specialty just like how males are the specialty of your female counterparts." I confirm as the demon stammers and slowly begins backing away.
"A...Antichrist? No, Netherborn? Dragonborn? W-What in the-"
"Y'know, I can't help but feel a little proud of myself at times like these." I begin to monologue as I unleash my latest combo attack.
[Ghastly Grasp x Power Bind x Milky Discharge x Soul Slash]
The first two abilities create a purple web around the area, catching all the demons in its dark embrace, cutting their power off along with any chance of escaping. The third slows them down while restraining them even further, and the fourth... the fourth ability in this latest combo of mine is simply to make them suffer.
"If I had followed the norm during my time here, if I had simply befriended the South Parkers and tried living a peaceful life, then guys like you would've walked all over me. It would only take one unlucky adventure or episode plot to send me down here permanently with no way of escaping, and that's if I didn't get a fate worse than death."
"No! No, let me go! Stay away!!!" The incubus shrieks as the chains around him tighten and the flames burn even hotter in response to his pleas. The succubuses are in an even worse state as they roar and claw at their restraints to no avail.
"Even if the South Parkers were to dawn their superhero costumes and switch into those personas, most are still just 10 year old kids with no power to speak of. Without plot armor, they'd simply be screwed. Anyone with inhuman levels of strength or deadly abilities like you, magical or otherwise, could prove to be their undoing."
I then begin to chuckle as I make my way towards my prey, flaming purple chains parting so as to not hinder my approach. Soon, there is nothing standing between me and the restrained incubus.
"Heheh, I even remember reading a South Park fic back in my old world where one of you demonic asses showed up towards the end. The main character was in their grasp and not just her, but most of the South Parkers couldn't do a fucking thing to stop him... *sigh* NSB was one of my favorites back then, a pity that I got transmigrated before it was finished." I lament while grabbing his throat and start to choke him.
"It's because of moments like these that I'm assured of my mindset; that I feel proud of myself despite all my failures. Proud for putting in the extra effort to become as powerful as possible, using whatever I can in the reality of South Park to my advantage. Because I went down this path, I can rest assured that pieces of shit like you will never be able to threaten me."
I then snap his neck and absorb him, adding yet another lifesteal ability to my growing collection of them. I then test it out on the unconscious succubuses and it works like a charm, granting me their lifeforce without me having to physically absorb anything.
...But this really is far too slow. Even with the weakness patch, this ability isn't nearly enough to satisfy me.
'Let's speed this up. T.K! Baleful Blessing! I don't want a single bit of them not being used to strengthen me!' The absorption finishes seconds later.
'Thank you, Tenorman. Your 'revenge' is a gift that keeps on giving.' I think to myself with a devilish grin creeping its way across my face.
My extended trip around hell continues and while I don't run into Geldon from season 5's "It Hits the Fan" or Haman from season 3's "Jewbilee", I do see Kevin from season 9's "Best Friends Forever". Sadly, he doesn't have anything useful for me besides a bit of energy to add into my already massive pool of it.
A few more hours of searching pass by and Team Stan starts to get impatient, so I relent and take them to this section's boss room, or rather, the time portal that brings us there. The gains from searching around hell randomly were beginning to diminish anyway.
When we arrive at the boss room, we all see the antichrist in season 8's "Woodland Critter Christmas" in the center of a giant pentagram with 5 of the Woodland Critters surrounding him and pumping him full of Satanic power.
Jackpot!
I use a Time Pause just as the ritual starts and begin absorbing the psychotic animals. It works fine for the regular Woodland Critters and even the platform where the ritual is happening, but the antichrist himself turns into a stream of bright light that flows into me like what it did with Kyle in the Christmas special.
Well shit, he never tried doing that during the canon boss fight.
"Oh shit, we can't let it take over Dovah! Someone give him an abortion!"
"That- ugh, won't be n-necessary." This isn't the first time I've faced someone who tried to possess me. That little yandere ghost girl at Jimmy's summer camp pulled a similar stunt, but I got her out in the end.
(A/N: Chp 61 "Telepathic Titans")
The antichrist is a totally different beast to tangle with, but then again, so am I. My eyes begin to flicker between red and purple as I fight for control with the porcupine demon hybrid and with how much Satanic power I have and experience I have with it, I'm able to hold my own against the antichrist.
Unfortunately for me, the pain I'm feeling is immense despite my pain receptors being turned off by T.K. I feel like my body and soul are on fire, but I do my best to push through it. I did it back after the Canadian Devil gave me that curse and I'll do it now.
Speaking of, I summon the guy's trident to see if it can help me at all, which it actually seems to be doing a little bit via its own magical power. I wonder if-
(("Requesting merger with "Canadian Devil's Trident" to assist with evolution from 'Pseudo-Antichrist' to 'Antichrist'."))
"Come again?"
(("You requested I use terms that you would understand during my explanations. Request accepted? Yes/No"))
"...Was that-urk sarcasm?"
(("I am not programmed for sarcasm."))
"Whatever you say, T.K. Go for it!"
In that instant, the pain I felt vanished. The heat... no, more like the fucking agony. The animal antichrist didn't get the same treatment as his screams became louder than ever before dying out while I converted the thing's very being into my energy... my power.
The power I got thanks to the Canadian Devil ages ago begins to flare up and mix with the antichrist like pieces of a puzzle coming together. Damien said before that while I was using an antichrist's power thanks to the Canadian Devil, I myself wasn't really an antichrist. In other words, I was already a half-step towards that evolution and this little shit just helped me complete it.
The Demon Child class abilities... no, all my Satanic powers feel completely natural to me now. I only had a basic intrinsic knowledge of some of them before, but now I feel like I've had them since the day I was born. Along with this power comes an instinctual knowledge on how to use it. No more relying on going apeshit to use the Demon Child class. Go me!
My energy began to rise again and I felt like Power Bind-esc chains that have been shackling me forever without me ever realizing it just broke into pieces. Antichrists really are on a whole other level than most other demons.
A wave of bright red light erupted from me and probably blinded the others including Satan who just arrived. He's supposed to show up after this latest boss is defeated, which I suppose just technically happened despite the method used being much different then in the game.
'Holy crap. So that's Satan's true strength in the reality of South Park.' I think as I start to pale a bit, even after this latest major power-up.
It seems like I was right about his powers being limited on Earth since the sheer energy I feel from him is fucking terrifying, even now. If he were to apply all his satanic buffs to himself, then he would likely be in the same tier of power as Cthulhu in his own realm.
Y'know, the Elder God that one-shot me at the end of the Nahkriin war. That guy.
"Uhhh, what just happened?" Satan asks.
"Shit, dude! Cartman, you gotta go give him an abortion!"
"I told you that isn't necessary. I'm fine, guys." I float down with my eyes now a darker purple and a bone-chilling aura being emitted from me.
"Is that really you, dude? What's something only Dovah would know?"
"You guys don't even know that much about me to begin with and if the antichrist was in control, he would have probably seen my memories after taking over my body."
"...You still didn't answer the question."
"Last night, Cartman sucked on his thumb like a baby while he was sleeping. He was also mumbling something about Wendy Testaburger giv-"
"HE'S FUCKING LYING! HOLD HIM DOWN, I'M GIVING THE FUCKER AN ABORTION!"
The others laugh at this (with Stan stopping a few seconds later once he processed that last part) while Satan just stands there awkwardly. Luckily for me, he didn't really seem to care about the antichrist's death in the game so hopefully he won't care here as well.
"So, uh, ahem- sorry about your minions, but we weren't just gonna let them kill us. You mind getting us out of here?"
"Well, the others, yes, but not you. Demons are supposed to stay in hell like how humans that are alive aren't supposed to be in hell."
"Oh, well... as nice as being step-brothers with Damien sounds, I kind of have a timeline to save soooooo..." I quickly open a time portal and shove Team Stan in along with myself. I could try fighting Satan now, but I'm still not very confident about beating him on his home turf where his power isn't restricted one bit. I just got these powers and need time to get used to them.
"So you're like... an antichrist now?"
"Pretty much, yeah."
"That's cool, I guess."
"Thanks." We stare in silence for a bit before figuring out where the hell we are. T.K, where did you send us to?
(("I opened a time portal to Peru. The same area Satan was supposed to send the boys to."))
'Oh, I wonder what a barbecued kaiju-sized guinea pig tastes like... Craig would probably murder me if he heard what I'm thinking about right now.'
I know I said this before, but I really fucking miss those guys. The ones in my timeline. Fucking Butters.
We head into the jungles of Peru and go through it without fighting any giant guinea pigs (there were plenty in the background, but they didn't try to murder us). We do have to fight tons more gingerbots though. Really starting to get tired of these guys. The bits of energy I'm getting from them are starting to feel less and less worth it.
At least I have test dummies for my new abilities now.
Bewitched Beckoning is fucking useless on mechanical beings so I try it out on Cartman instead. Wisps of red flames extend from me to him and he walks over in a trance while also having his defense lowered.
I order him to dive in head first towards the ginger bots and he does so without a word. Cool, an alternative mind control option. Zarganor's powers are great, don't get me wrong, but it isn't good to keep all your eggs in one basket.
Next up is Life Hack which... also doesn't work on mechanical beings. I take back what I said, these gingerbots are terrible test dummies.
(("Alternate Option: Life Hack doesn't drain just vitality from its victims. It also drains their energy, something that should work on these mechanical beings. You used that option on Kenny during your second fight against ManBearPig.")) Thanks for the reminder. I use Life Hack as an energy draining spell instead of an HP draining spell and it works like a charm.
Looks like now I can take energy from people while being discreet. Too bad it takes so long. T.K. can absorb energy far faster then this spell, but having your body turn into something out of the Thing movie isn't exactly what I would call stealthy.
The ultimate ability for this class, Vile Transfusion, is basically a better version of Life Hack and a similar ability to Henrieta's ultimate, Black Mass. It can be used on many targets instead of one and the lifesteal is stronger as well.
The only issue is the ability takes a few seconds to complete and I'm basically defenseless at that time as when activated, I float up into the air with my hands out as a Satanic pentagram forms below me that pulses in waves for a bit before it shatters and dozens of dark red hands and arms flail around as a new, larger Satanic pentagram forms behind me.
I'm stuck floating in midair throughout this entire process with it only ending after life force shoots out from whoever I wish and goes into whoever I wish.
The entire thing takes a bit to complete and is not very practical in a one on one fight since people don't wait their turn to beat enemies up like in SOT and TFBW. I'll have to figure out how to speed that up whenever I get the chance.
The final power is Hands of the Hoar which is definitely the most practical ability for my current situation. A blue pentagram forms below me with a wave of tendrils coming out in whatever direction I wish to grab and skewer enemies at. People caught in it get the chilled debuff (aka freeze their asses off) too and it keeps them still so I can start up a good combo with them having no time to dodge.
Overall, the extra lifesteal options are nice and while the variety of my arsenal doesn't increase much, the abilities should make future combo attacks stronger. I'll be doing a lot more than doubling down with the All for One shit now that I can literally take people's powers without any issues.
"MORE gingerbots?! Fucking hell, enough with these guys already!" Cartman complains as we approach the temple featured in the particular two-parter this section is based on.
"I would honestly rather take on jewbots at this point. Huh, never thought I'd say that."
"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS QUOTE UNQUOTE "JEWBOTS", FATASS!!!"
"YOU SAID THAT ABOUT GINGERBOTS AND LOOK HOW THAT WENT, KAHL!"
(A/N: Season 13 Episode 5 "Fishsticks")
"Mfffph mfphfm mfhpf." I couldn't agree more, Ken. It's a pity that the bromance I had with you in my own timeline was cut short by a batshit insane Butters.
Now the temple itself seems to have tons of energy flowing through it based on what I'm sensing which honestly surprised me at first.
I then remembered how it powered up Craig in canon during the pandemic episode (the one with the guinea pigs in season 12, not covid) and it suddenly makes a lot more sense. More energy, don't mind if I do.
(("Scanning... scanning... energy currently being siphoned elsewhere."))
'Huh? Where is the energy going then? Craig isn't here, right?'
(("The energy seems to be going into Prototype Z-1.")) Oh, I was wondering when it would show up again. Looks like Tenorman is using the temple to power it up. It probably has plenty of other upgrades too after all the data I gave it.
Very well then, he can have that energy. I got plenty already and am more than happy to share some with my allies.
'Can you take control of the prototype, T.K?'
(("Yes, I can view the functions of Prototype Z-1, both old and new, and take control of it when I wish. Do you want the data sent to you?"))
'No, I want Tenorman to surprise me. Focus on coming up with ways to upgrade it yourself when we get it. I would rather have this guy have his own thoughts and emotions then just have it be a new body for you.
After all, those who can think and decide for themselves have much more potential than the ones who simply obey orders.'
"Hey, if an asteroid wiped out all the dinosaurs, then maybe we can get another asteroid to wipe out all the gingerbots! Hey, Dovah? By any chance is one of your powers asteroid-summoning?"
'Ruin my internal philosophical monologue, why don't you.' I mentally grumble before answering, "Asteroids that huge can't target anything specifically, Stan. It wiped out lots of other species alongside the dinosaurs."
"Oh... Do you think a little one can target Cartman?"
"EY!"
"That... actually, I could probably pull that off with Wall of Hellfire."
"I hate you guyz, seriousleh."
We continue to travel through the temple and deal with countless more gingerbots in the process. Team Stan is really starting to look worn out and I can't really blame them for it. I know how awful it can be to be forced into constant fighting and issues like this, it happened to me the first few days I was in South Park myself.
Also the Nahkriin War, though I had a good handful of lifesteal spells to keep me going by then.
"No, NO! WHY WON'T YOU DIE?!?"
"Looks like Tenorman is starting to crack, guys!"
"I don't like the sound of that."
"This isn't over, Eric! I got everything I needed from here and we will finish this where it all began!" Looks like we're ending this at the Chili Con Carnival. It's about time.
Let's end this, Tenorman, so I can finally save this timeline and a copyright-free version of one of my favorite OCs from your soulless grasp.