P.I.T: TFBW: Bring the Crunch DLC
Jimmy's POV:
"Because, NOTHING... on this PLANET... can stop lake Tardicaca from being open all summer long." Of course the second I say that, a fucking green comet thing from space begins to head right towards us.
Me and my big fucking mouth... the ladies seem to love it though. Wow, what a terrific audience.
As I stare up at the sky with anger and the slightest hint of deja vu, a purple comet comes out of nowhere and knocks the green comet away. The two comets begin flying around everywhere and seem to be ramming into each other across the camp.
"Oh jeez, fellas. I'm pretty sure comets aren't supposed to do that! We gotta get out of here!"
"Butters, would you s-s-s-sack the fuck up already?"
"Don't worry friends, MintBerry Crunch will investigate the issue. I'll be right back." He then turns into a pink comet and flies over to join the cosmic comet orgy.
What a giant space dick. He didn't even bother inviting us!
Well, I guess I can't blame him too much for ditching us. Being a giant space dick is actually helpful for him if he decides to join in on the action. Wow, what a terrific audience!
"Deeeeerrrr look at the pretty light show, boss!" A slap and a "Shut up, Mimsy!" follow shortly after. Oh right, Nathan and Mimsy are here.
"Hey Nathan, did the e-e-evil spirits leave you now?"
"...I fucking hate you, Jim... so, so much."
"Doesn't look like they're gone yet. Can you g-go beat him up again, New Kid?"
"WAIT, I'M CURED! I'M FUCKING CURED!"
"Deeeer but you said-"
*slap* "Shut up, Mimsy!"
*BOOOOOOOM*
We all stop and look over to the spot where the purple comet just kicked the green one down to and the pink one soon follows behind the purple one. So the green one is the sub then. Wow, I am on a roll tonight.
"Uhhh, should we do something, fellas?" New Kid seems to think so as he begins to head over. The rest of us follow behind him and we start to hear inhuman screams when we get close by. Perhaps we should just give them their privacy instead; it sounds like they're really going at it.
...Nah, I'm too curious.
I use my superspeed the rest of the way there and see what looks like New Kid if he was The Thing absorbing some green alien guy with blood-shot eyes, sharp teeth, and four tits on his head into himself. Wow, talk about kinky!
...Ok, I'll stop now.
"Fucking hell, this is taking forever! I guess I'll have to make a couple detours for some more tools after all."
Oh come on, they're just making this too easy for me! Come. On. Get it?
Wow, what a terrific audience!
"S-S-S-Stop right theeee-there, New Kid lookalike!" The guy turns to me and has a surprised look on his face.
"Uhhh, I can explain."
"A Spongebob reeeee-re-r-reference seems a little too PG for the theme y-you've got going on."
"What? Oh for- QUIT THINKING THAT, JIMMY! YOU'RE TAKING THIS ENTIRELY OUT OF CONTEXT!"
"AAAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS THAT?" Butters and the rest then arrive with the former freaking out again. Isn't Chaos supposed to be your forte, Butters?
New Kid gets into his battle stance and charges towards his evil twin, but he gets blasted away by a stream of berries from the doppelganger before he can even land a punch.
Isn't that Bradley's attack?
New Kid then uses one of his 'Final Girl' class abilities and throws a sledgehammer with dynamite attached towards his copy with mint suddenly surrounding him and the attack being blocked by a pink and green shield which breaks right after.
"So it can only block one attack like in game... that sucks, but at least it works." The copy mutters as the alien finishes getting absorbed and his body returns to normal. He looks at his hand as he opens and closes them and then gives a wicked smile.
"Sorry for interrupting you guys, I just needed to stop by and get a few power-ups." His hands and part of his arms are suddenly coated in gooey white stuff and he blasts a wave of it on both sides of him. The substance then forms into several sentient piles with copies of me, Butters, and New Kid being formed from them.
"W-W-W-What are those?! " Butters asks, horrified.
"Just one of my new powers. Mind testing them out for me?"
"I'm all for t-trying out new things in freaky foreplay, but fighting a copy of me made out of sentient sperm seems like a little much."
"Wha- No, it's MILK, JIMMY! MILK! ZARGANOR MILK! IT'S ONE OF ZARGANOR'S POWERS, MILKY DISCHARGE, AND... goddamnit."
"You're not heee-he-helping your c-case here, other New Kid."
"I DIDN'T COME UP WITH THESE ABILITY NAMES, ALRIGHT?! BLAME TREY PARKER AND MATT STONE! Just... just fight them please."
The copies suddenly dash towards the three of us and we begin to fight our 'milky' selves. The copy of me is rough, but being a superhuman lets me take a lot of punishment.
"WOULD YOU QUIT IT ALREADY, JIMMY? Ugh, how do you turn this fucking telepathy off?"
After tussling around for a while, I eventually get the upper hand and-
"Please, stop. The joke ran its course ten times over already."
"That may be so, but as a s-speedster, you'll find that I ex-eeee-ex-excel at running on and on."
"...Goddamnit, Jimmy."
It even seemed to have a replica of my powers despite being entirely made out of alien milk. Space is really fucking weird. I wonder if they have comedy clubs up there?
It took a few minutes and plenty more jokes, but I was finally able to tear apart my milky doppelganger. I then watch as the milky version of New Kid throws saw blades and shears of milk at his human counterpart and the milky Butters is having a beam clash with his human counterpart, alien milk colliding against lightning.
"Hmm, you're getting this all down, T.K? I'll leave the analyzing and future upgrading to you. Just give me a quick rundown of whatever you do before you do it, okay?
And don't activate telepathy again unless I explicitly tell you to. Timmy was right about South Parkers being more fucked up on the inside then they are on the outside." Hey, I take offense to that! Also...
"Where's M-MintBerry Crunch?"
"Come on Jim, you really couldn't put two and two together? Or were you too busy throwing out improvised material to read the room." What's he talking about? I only saw him and that alien in the hole while he was getting... oh, fuck.
"Believe me, he totally deserved it. That guy and his family are slave owners with that green alien from earlier being just one of the races picking cotton berries on Bradley's home planet. Sorry to be a buzzkill, but this is no laughing matter."
"C-C-C-Come again?"
"Crazy, I know, but it's 100% true. Well, I'll let you go back to saving your camp now. Have fun with that." The kid is then surrounded by a golden light and disappears.
"T-T-The fuck just happened?" New Kid only shrugs at this.
At least we saved camp again. I got a good laugh out of it too.
Overall, the climax may have been disappointing, but the abstractness throughout more than made up for it.
Thank you, thank you. You're too kind. Wow, what a terrific audience!
Dovah's POV:
So I've been running some tests for a while now that Trapper Keeper or 'T.K.' as I'm now calling him for short, finished merging completely with me. I picked up on some issues regarding our fusion with the main one being that while merging with regular people or some less dense objects are quick and easy, merging with stronger stuff takes a lot longer.
Think of it like mining shit. Using a pickaxe made of a metal like copper will have a very tough time breaking something like titanium because the latter is simply denser. You need to upgrade the material on your pickaxe to have an easier time mining stronger metals.
The other main issue is that the technology is pretty limited on what it can do and understand. The latter was expected since this is an A.I. and machine from the year 2000 so of course it's going to be a little clunky.
The solution to these problems is to do what it did in the show, merge and upgrade itself to become more intelligent and powerful. It took the thing like 20 years to become an unstoppable supercomputer that took over the world in canon and that was with the technology available to it there and then. I have far better options at my disposal with the limitless potential that is time travel.
There are two main ways I can upgrade T.K. to fix these issues. Option one is going hundreds of years into the future where episodes like season 10's "Go God Go" and games like Tennorman's Revenge take place and get some future tech for T.K.
Option 2 is getting my hands on some alien technology since that stuff is always better than human tech; it's like an unspoken rule in fiction at this point.
I plan to do both of these things because why wouldn't I? I can travel to whenever I wish and I'll be taking full advantage of that. Goku Black ain't got nothing on me!
I decide to secure some alien tech first and head to season 7's "Canceled" to get it. Why that episode in particular you may ask? Well, the visitors' ship Team Stan gets abducted by during that episode goes to the alien production company monitoring Earth and countless other worlds for various TV shows shown across the universe.
Simply put, if I have T.K. merge and absorb everything there, then not only do its monitoring and information collecting/synthesizing abilities go through the roof (which I'm gonna need to analyze and assess all the shit I'm gonna merge with in the future), but I also get countless amounts of information about the universe for T.K. to sift through and explore, providing me with extremely helpful data about this reality that I don't already have via watching the show. It's a win-win.
As for how I'm going to get up there and start power-leveling my perception and intelligence stats, I head to Kenny's house before the episode starts and offer him a hundred dollars to let me pretend to be him for the next week while he hides in that bunker Cartman tricks Butters into during season 7's "Casa Bonita".
The parka covers everything but a part of his face and nobody should be able to tell the difference as long as I can mimic his voice, which I can with some help from T.K.
Basically, I'm gonna do what the kid in season 4's "Fat Camp" did after he was busted pretending to be Cartman. I'm just gonna disguise myself as Kenny to get up there and let Trapper Keeper handle the rest.
P.I.T: Season 7 Episode 1 "Canceled"
The episode begins like the series' pilot episode with the others figuring out something fishy is going on (since they already did this episode plot before) and head over to get Cartman's ass checked out for alien probes. Shit happens, the visitors abduct us, and I pretend to be unconscious as I get attached to some green goo-like prison.
I begin to have T.K. secretly merge with the ship's CPU remotely and wait for the others to wake up which they soon do. The alien producer guy then greets us and switches his form a hundred times until Cartman suggests a taco that craps ice cream like in canon. I'm sure Clyde would approve if he was here.
(("Upgrade preparations in process. Upgrade preparations in process. Upgrade..."))
'T.K, just let me know when you're finished collecting data, okay? Hearing "Upgrade preparations in process." in my head over and over gets annoying real quick.'
(("Understood."))
The giant living taco explains to the boys how Earth is a reality show as he brings us into the main control room when I get a heads up from T.K.
(("System Upgrade Preparations Complete. Data processing. 'Nurozad Productions' linked. Must merge to begin upgrades. Begin merge?"))
'Let's do this.' Countless wires then explode out from all over my body as the entire ship starts to be merged with me.
"KENNY?!?" Stan cries out in shock and the visitors start freaking out as error signs pop up with the Trapper Keeper logo replacing the main screen soon after.
"Not quite. Don't worry; Kenny's fine and back on Earth. I just had to disguise myself as him to get up here." I then form a pink shield around Stan, Kyle, and Cartman like the shield shown in MintBerry Crunch's Phone Destroyer card cover so the boys don't die in space from a lack of oxygen.
The ship slowly implodes and tears itself apart as my body expands and upgrades again. Both my body and the scene around me are probably... gruesome to put it lightly which is why I had T.K. sever some of my key nerves during this massive absorption process, making it so I am temporarily unable to see, hear, touch, or smell.
If it wasn't for the elevator music I'm having T.K. play in my head right now, I probably would've begun panicking after a while as it feels like I'm in a dark empty void.
That and the fact that I can still communicate with T.K. no problem thanks to Zarganor's telepathy and our connected neural network.
'How long until this is done, T.K?'
(("Estimated time to merging/compressing completion: 3 hours 34 minutes. Estimated time for system upgrade completion: 49 hours 21 minutes.")) So I have a bit over 3 and a half hours before I return to my 10 year old kid look? Alright, I should have no problem holding the shield until then.
As for the issue of me being in the void of space, both Bradley and Zarganor can breathe and travel through space no problem and they are merged into me, so I have no issues with it now as well.
As for how all these mergings and upgrades work, all the useful, top tier physical stuff is gonna be absorbed, compressed, and merged together in me as much as possible to maintain my South Park kid appearance.
The energy and powers from the things I merge with will become part of my ever-evolving body while all the waste and outdated parts of me will be destroyed by T.K. (after having any and all energy absorbed, that is) activating the various destructive energies, magic, and abilities in my body. I've pretty much become an ever-evolving, micromanaging chimera cyborg now.
As for things like data stored in machines, those will all go into T.K's memory banks and be transferred to my mind whenever I require it. I can't get people's memories through absorption, but I can rely on mind control/telepathy for that if need be.
The A.I. is basically a second super computer-like brain for me now which should help out a ton with pretty much everything I can think of at the moment.
It's kind of like Wisdom Lord Raphael from the anime, 'That Time I Got Reincarnated as a Slime'. Does that make me Rimuru then? I'm not a slime but I can pretty much absorb anything now. Yet another thing to ponder as I absorb a giant spaceship into myself.
A few hours pass and I return to my normal size while fixing my key nerves, but I have to use my Netherborn powers to summon a new outfit for myself. I have to do that practically every time my body absorbs something big which can get annoying at times, but at least I have a way to create new clothes whenever I wish. Being naked after every major absorption would be awkward as hell.
I look over to see Stan, Kyle, and Cartman still trapped in the pink bubble and head over to them. I then say hello but remember that sound doesn't travel in space so I teleport in the oxygen-filled bubble to say hello.
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm a friend of yours from another timeline... so the typical South Park bullshit. Now those alien assholes are gonna 'cancel' Earth pretty soon which means demolishing it with a giant-ass wrecking ball, so we have to head over and stop the producers from going through with that."
"EARTH IS GONNA BLOW UP?!? Get us over to the producers now, dude!"
"You could at least say please. I did just save you from dying out in space. Also, I said they were using a wrecking ball, not explosives."
"After you absorbed the fucking ship." Cartman mutters.
"I can pop this bubble any time, fatass."
"EY!"
"Cartman! Apologize before this guy kills us!"
"But I don't wanna!"
"Uhhh, any chance you could just leave only him to die? Please?"
"EY! SCREW YOU, HIPPIE!" The three do their typical banter as I have T.K. find the location of planet Fogni (planet where the main alien producers are) and head over there. The four of us then walk around the planet and do some sightseeing before heading over to schedule a meeting with the producers.
"Welcome to planet Fogil, home of the Joozians who control all media in the universe." Right, Fogil. My bad. It gets kind of difficult to remember all the minor details in the show after a couple years.
'Hey T.K, is it possible for you to get all the data stored on this entire planet?'
(("Calculating best course of action... data analyzing still in process... please wait.")) That wasn't a no.
As I'm having another Q&A with Trapper Keeper, some guys who look like the space cops- sorry, 'Intergalactic Police' in season 13's "Pinewood Derby" come out of nowhere and yell at us to put our hands in the air.
'The hell? This didn't happen in canon. What the hell happened?'
"You're under arrest for the destruction and murder of a networking ship and its crew."
'Oooooooh, right. That.'
"It was that douchebag! We're his hostages, right guys?" Cartman points at me and Stan and Kyle look around awkwardly. At least they know how to be thankful.
"Like you're innocent, fatass!"
"I totally am, asshole!" The cops then get out weird looking handcuffs and I bail by using a Time Pause, leaving Cartman to get arrested while saving Kyle and Stan.
"Ok, you two go try and get the producers to save Earth while I get the UFAs off our backs."
"UFAs?"
"Unidentified Foreign Assholes."
"Oh." We then split up with me debating my next course of action. I'm probably on some Intergalactic Community Most Wanted list now and this timeline's Earth may or may not be totally fucked. If it wasn't for this stupid planet's... wait a second.
A crazy but oh so amazing idea just popped up in my head.
"T.K, is it possible to merge with a planet?"