Karen's POV:
"START THE CAR! START THE CAR! GOGOGOGOGOGO!!!" I scream at Tricia as I chuck the supplies into the trunk of our stolen car and dive into the open window.
Tricia floors it and while she puts a Dire Shroud around the car, I hurl a bunch of Soul Slashes at the army vehicles to prevent them from chasing us.
It's been a few weeks since this shitshow started and Tricia and I have been gathering materials for the goths to experiment with and hopefully get an Elder God summoning ritual going soon.
There have been a few close calls like what we just had 30 seconds ago but we always manage to get away despite a rapidly increasing number of what I'm now calling 'pseudo-netherborns' trying to stop us.
At least the majority of their forces in South Park are still trying to break into DOTM's secret base. Memberboss is either really stupid or really stubborn because 3 of their regiments (consisting of around 10k soldiers plus hundreds of land and air vehicles each) have been practically wiped out trying to bust in so far and their fourth one currently isn't doing much better.
They tried firing a nuke at it too a few days ago. It was disabled and shot down before it could detonate and even if it did, the explosion would only destroy part of the mountain around the base, not the base itself. Timmy was very thorough when making this place.
The pseudo-netherborns can distract the Danger Deck holograms for a little bit now but are still incredibly outmatched when it comes to quality with quantity not bridging the gap at all. At least that battle is still going well.
Only issue with that is we can't exactly get back in without being spotted by all the troops surrounding the place. We've been hiding out with the goths since we first left and didn't realize this would become a problem back then and didn't bring any portal guns as a result so we can't get back into Imaginationland to get the supplies we need. Oopsie.
In our defense, we're still pretty new at saving the world ourselves and we can still get the stuff the goths need in this dimension via the raids we're doing right now.
Despite that slip-up Tricia and I are still staying strong throughout all of this. We've made some mistakes but are still making lots of progress. We don't need to rely on Dovah and Kenny to do this anymore; we can save the day now too. Dovah, Kenny, and... and Timmy all made sure of that.
As for Dovah and Cartman, their rampage is only getting worse as they basically steamrolled through Vatican City over the course of a few days with their growing army.
I remember watching Dovah tear three of the Queen Spider's legs off while 4 Mecha Minion Chaos Supremes blasted her apart with missiles and balls of lava live on TV. It was also actual lava this time instead of super hot lego bricks. I have no clue how Butters managed to incorporate that into the mechs made up of humans and tinfoil but that's the least of my worries right now.
Practically every member of Christian authority is dead and Chaos Minions numbering in the tens of thousands along with hundreds of Mecha Minion Chaos Supremes are burning Vatican City to the fucking ground. And that's not even counting the regular guerrilla soldiers.
Jesus came too by the way. He got his head smashed to bits by Butters' hammer after the blond broke the five-bladed throwing star the religious icon used to kill the last Pope with.
(A/N: That happened in Season 11's "Fantastic Easter Special")
With those guys dealt with, Nahkriin is now attacking both the Ginger Separatist Movement and the Legion of Doom.
The Ginger Separatist Movement is a massive group of ginger kids that Cartman created when the rest of Team Stan tricked him into thinking he became a ginger back in Season 9's "Ginger Kids". The group's goal is to commit genocide on all non-gingers (Cartman's idea back when he was in charge) and is now led by Scott Tenorman, aka, Cartman's half brother.
The Legion of Doom is- well, there were actually two different versions of it on South Park (the show) but the one I'm talking about is the second one formed. This one is made up of hundreds of celebrities that South Park (the town but I guess the show too) has attacked and insulted in the past.
Both of these groups eventually teamed up in Season 14's "200" and "201" to get Muhammed (after fighting each other for him) so they can use his power to make themselves immune to ridicule. They failed after the Super Best Friends came to stop them and neither group was featured in the show again but I guess they're still out there.
I'm also pretty sure that the member berries are secretly supporting both groups as they seem to be armed to the teeth with various weapons, vehicles, and soldiers who aren't gingers, celebrities, or die-hard fans of said celebrities.
I guess that's for the best, all things considered. It's not like any of those guys can take down Dovah and Cartman's a better strategist then any of those guys could ever hope to be.
Back to the member berries, more and more of those pseudo-netherborn soldiers have been sent after us but not one of those guys has ever gotten in Dovah and Cartman's way (from what I know). My best guess is that they want to stall Dovah while not alerting him to their betrayal.
It's a smart move but that will only last for so long. If Dovah ever decides to call in to get support from them, they could choose to pretend to still be on his side or just try and screw him over. If Dovah ever checks back in on South Park, well, let's just say the member berries will have fewer options available.
Dovah's POV:
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? Ugh, it's basically "200" and "201" 2.0 at this point." I mumble to myself as Cartman gives me an update on South Park.
Turns out the member bitches only stay under Timmy's mind control if Timmy is alive because I sure as shit never told them to take over South Park and I doubt that Kenny did either.
'Does this mean that Randy is going to set up Tegridy Farms now too? No, that incident with Shelly happened over a month ago. He doesn't have a catalyst as of now but I better keep an eye out for that just in case. Like hell I'm letting Covid be unleashed on top of everything that's going on already.'
I'm also 90% sure the nostalgia fruits are currently acting as a de facto PR Department for the various groups Nahkriin is either currently targeting or planning to target.
Whatever, this is fine. Kenny can handle those fucking fruits easily enough until I finish them off myself. Normal soldiers, tanks, planes, and other military shit somehow defeating an Immortal Netherborn Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny that can destroy entire towns with zero difficulty is practically impossible.
As for them breaking into our secret base where most of the South Parkers are probably hiding right now, that's even less likely.
Timmy looked through the fucking Geneva Convention bans for inspiration when building this place and the scanners installed throughout can easily pick up on people under the berries' influence thanks to the research and experiments we did a few years ago so internal sabotage isn't an option for them either.
(A/N: Done during Chp 36 "Experiments")
I was planning on having the sentient fruits terminate a few secret government branches when I got around to it like the one that used to be run by that Guinea Pirate in disguise during season 12's "Pandemic" and "Pandemic 2: The Startling" and the government branch that was hunting me (aka New Kid) down back in Stick of Truth.
I'll just have to be a bit more forceful when I get around to it and that's if Kenny hasn't already dealt with them himself by then. For now, I'm stuck dealing with both the pissed off celebrity army and ginger army with the makeshift alliance putting up the greatest fight against us by far (thanks a fucking lot for uniting them again, member berries).
"Don't worry, Dovah. I already assumed that this was a betrayal on their end and sent some backup Kenny's way to help him out."
"You sent Nahkriin soldiers over? With the GSM and LOD teaming up again, we don't really have a lot of manpower to spare right now. Especially since we still have a good chunk of our guerrilla army cells and Chaos Legions finishing off the last few Super Adventure Club strongholds and few remaining higher ups in the Catholic Church."
"Oh, I didn't send any of our own forces. I got someone else to take care of it."
"...Did you get the Japanese Government to declare war, Cartman? We're not trying to start World War 3 here!"
"No, not them. They wouldn't even listen to me if I did ask for help considering I was Princess Kenny's enemy during the Black Friday War.
(A/N: Season 17 Episodes 7-9 (Black Friday Trilogy))
There's also the fact that they would probably start a third World War like you mentioned before so those guys were out, but it turns out that Santa is still a little annoyed about the whole 'being kidnapped and turned into a biological supercomputer by the National Security Agency' thing a few years ago."
(A/N: Season 17 Episode 1 "Let Go, Let Gov")
'...Shit, I totally forgot about that. Santa was either freed or escaped sometime after that season 17 episode and never brought it up again but I know that I sure as hell would be pissed off if some assholes did that to me.'
"He already had every employee of that company permanently on the 'Naughty List' after that incident but a few hours ago, I spurred him on to take a more... aggressive form of revenge.
The member berries should have a tougher time finding allies to recruit with their intelligence agencies under attack. He's also sending a chunk of his own Christmas army to South Park to help free it since he likes our town so much. Turns out that his elves can do a bit more than mass-produce toys 364 days a year."
Looks like Christmas came a little early this year.
(A/N: Santa shows up at South Park various times throughout the series for many different episode plots and even helped out on a few Team Stan adventures. He also likes the place since it's Mr. Hankey's home town.
He has a falling out with the people of South Park in episode 10 of season 22 since the South Parkers basically exiled Mr. Hankey in episode 3 of season 22, but the former hasn't happened yet and what Santa doesn't know won't hurt him.)
"Well alright then. Santa is pissed at the government and the member berries are the government so it all works out. Kenny should be able to take back South Park at the very least before we get around to fighting the member berries and government head on. Good work, Cartman."
Cartman then gloats a bit and I don't bother stopping him this time. He earned it.
Our last few battles went on for around a day and after fucking tens of thousands of deaths in total, my side ultimately pushed their side back after destroying a couple of their bases but they then brought out what I'm calling 'Mecha Streisand 3.0' because the celebrity kaiju had a much larger arsenal of destructive shit this time around then she had during "200" and "201".
Butters got critically injured while fighting her and I destroyed one of the kaiju-fied Barbara Streisand's arms in retaliation. I was able to heal the former but he's still unconscious and probably will be for the next few days or so.
The fact that I cut off both the enemies' north and east escape routes with two low-power Prominence Burns by firing them in different directions at the start of the latest fight helped pick off another good chunk of their forces when they retreated.
Regular fire would have gone out long before they fell back but I use magic (eldritch and satanic) fire which can stay lit for much longer. Props to Cartman for coming up with that idea.
I thought he would have trouble leading a powerhouse (I feel like I deserve that title at this point) into a war alongside the other troops as his prior experience only involved leading humans into actual battles (Cthulhu and him never really faced any decent resistance on the show until the end) but it turns out that,
A: when he got Cthulhu to join his superhero team before, he did a lot more with the Elder God then what was shown during those few episodes
B: he actually had some form of strategy going for his (self proclaimed) world peace plan instead of just having the guy randomly destroy places and people he didn't like
Speaking of bullshit from other realms, Saddam's WMD Factory from season 6's "A Ladder to Heaven" is another problem we'll have to eventually deal with but I'm putting that on the backburner for now because unlike most of these other bad guys, we have no fucking way of getting to him at the moment.
I have access to R'lyeh, Imaginationland, and probably even Hell if I ask Damien or Satan nicely enough but I have no method of getting to Heaven. The only possible way we could maybe get up there is to ask Satan to send us there since he was capable of getting there himself in season 4's "Probably" and even had his armies invade Heaven in season 9's "Best Friends Forever".
Again, that's a big maybe since Satan may not approve of what I'm doing or even have the power to send me and my forces there to begin with. I'll worry about that later though. I have plenty of other evil forces' asses to kick in the meantime.
Cartman is planning an ambush on his older half-bro at the moment which involves having Dougie (General Disarray: Prof Chaos right hand man) pretending to turn traitor as he is also ginger and leading Tenorman into a trap so I let Cartman get back to it after he finishes updating me on the situation.
I then groan again as I scroll through more updates on my new phone right after Cartman leaves. The SAC somehow got their hands on fucking EMPs which they used to fuck up our coms during one of our first raids at their base (or 'luxury retreat' as they call it) in Greenland.
They had an ambush planned but I'm assuming we had waaaay more people then they thought we had because we outnumbered them like 10 to 1 during that battle.
Our phones still fucking broke though so I had to take another trip into Imaginationland to get us new ones. I'll probably just get rid of this one once the war is over and see if Timmy kept any backup high-tech alien phones at the base. If not, I'll try making one myself. I know he at the very least kept blueprints of them on our DOTM database...
I'm getting off track, aren't I?
"Sir, the alliance just launched a massive counterattack on us. They're attempting to reclaim the 4 facilities we took in Europe and the 2 we took in Asia simultaneously.
We got confirmation that both Scott Tenorman of the GSM (Ginger Separatist Movement) and Mickey Mouse of the LOD (Legion of Doom) are leading the attack at Disneyland Paris on their own Star Destroyers supported by various other spaceships from Star Wars and hundreds of other militaristic aerial vehicles. Mecha Streisand was also spotted making her way towards the base we took from them in China. Orders?"
So Mickey's busting out his Star Wars shit now? I figured he would eventually, considering we recently took over his secret bases under the Disneylands in France, China, and Japan but he even has Star Destroyers at his disposal?
The (completely butchered) menagerie Mickey acquired that was guarding those places weren't anything special and most were portrayed in some of the later seasons of canon whenever Mickey took center stage. Looks like season 16's "Obama Wins" didn't portray all the mouse's Lucasfilm assets back then.
Oh well, Imaginationland helped me become well acquainted with fighting Disney-owned shit like Star Wars and Marvel over the years and most people in Nahkriin have seen at least some of those movies. This shouldn't be too difficult to handle.
"Is that right? Well then, let's go pay those guys a visit, shall we? Maybe we'll get a few autographs before putting them 6 feet under this time."
Speaking of that realm, I better head there to get more supplies while I'm at it. Having a few hundred more M1 Abrams tanks along with enough M249 light machine guns and frag grenades to overthrow a few countries wouldn't hurt.
EvilAlliance2.0:
Tenorman (GSM): so what were you saying about your "ultimate weapon" Cruise?
Tenorman (GSM): also could nobody think of a better name for this group chat? If something like this was the best my brand department could come up with, I'd fire them all on the spot.
MrMouse (Disney-LOD): well i don't hear you suggesting anything better, ha-ha
Tenorman (GSM): that's not my job, mouse. You of all people should know that brand departments exist for a reason. They do some of the shit we don't want to bother doing ourselves
TomCruise (LOD): Babs with the Diamond of Pantheos should have been able to single handedly take over the entire planet! What the fuck is your step brother feeding that kid???
Tenorman (GSM): if you bothered to look at the intel the berry gave us instead of being an overconfident ass, you would have known that the answer to that was a bitter rivalry
MrMouse (Disney-LOD): well i don't see you guys doing anything to stop him besides relying on your metal dinosaur, ha-ha. Am i the only one in this chatroom who isn't a useless dumbfuck, ha-ha?
Tenorman (GSM): didn't you rely on her too last time, mickey?
TomCruise (LOD): no, but you're the only one on this chatroom who regularly screws bats, Mick.
MrMouse (Disney-LOD): THEY ARE MICE WITH WINGS, YOU SCIENTOLOGIST BITCH! HA-HA!
Tenorman (GSM): my plan to stop him is a work in progress. Taking both him and my step brother on at the same time is nigh-impossible at the moment. We need to separate them if we want to beat them.
Tenorman (GSM): Now can we please stop infighting already? We're supposed to be destroying the South Parkers, not imitating them.
BerryBoss: the gingers got the right idea and i've contacted another group who can make that happen. Your history with them isn't the best but you know the saying about the enemy of your enemy
['BerryBoss' had added 'Buddha (SBF)', 'Moses (SBF)', 'Seaman (SBF)' and 5 others to the chat]
TomCruise (LOD): THE SUPER BEST FRIENDS?!?
Tenorman (GSM): WHAT THE HELL, BERRY?
Seaman (SBF): hey, we don't like this anymore then you do but Nahkriin killed Jesus and nobody kills a Super Best Friend and gets away with it! Even if they can eventually resurrect which most of us can!
MrMouse (Disney-LOD): shut up semen
Buddha (SBF): heheh semen
Seaman (SBF): ITS SEA-MAN YOU FUCKING PRICKS!!!
Karen's POV:
"Well, anything yet? I sure as hell hope so because the close calls are only getting closer." Tricia snarks at the goths who look less than amused themselves.
"Ugh. Yes, we have a solution, mini-conformists." Michael groans. Finally, some good news!
"Well, what are we waiting for? Let's bring him over then!"
"It's not that simple." Henrietta informs us. Of course it's not that simple; it never fucking is that simple.
"We were able to create a ritual spell that can be used to summon Cthulhu but it requires 2 key components. The first is a Netherborn and I mean a TRUE Netherborn, not someone who was gifted the power of one like Dovah."
"I'm a true Netherborn like my brother, Kenny. What's component two?"
"Component two is sacrifice. It's the most common way of bringing beings from other dimensions such as demons and deep ones over and can also be the most effective method depending on the size of it.
I altered my Black Mass spell to work as the base for this ritual. The spell that you posers call my "Ultimate" works as a large AOE lifesteal spell that damages all enemies and heals all allies of mine.
The way it works now is I apply this to a conduit which is a Netherborn or Karen in this case and when the conduit activates the second part of the spell, everyone in a mile-long radius around the conduit is sacrificed with their lifeforce being channeled into the Netherborn to open a door between dimensions that Cthulhu can cross through.
This way, you can summon him and also get rid of both the government guys and the member berries that are controlling them."
"Doesn't this mean I have to be right in the middle of them for it to work? Also, I'm guessing a certain amount of people need to be sacrificed for this to work?"
"Yes and yes. You would need at least a thousand people for this spell to work but if you want Cthulhu to be at full strength, a sacrifice of about 10,000 should do the trick. Before you ask, yes, member berries count as people in this case. The more people that are caught up in the ritual, the more power Cthulhu will be able to exert in our realm."
"Can I choose who is sacrificed in this spell?"
"As of now, no. I can fine-tune it so you can be picky but that would take another few weeks at minimum."
"Fuck. Well, I'll just have to make sure that only enemies are around then. I know they want to capture me alive but they would probably just brainwash me the second they catch me. Do you have any mind-control resistance spells?"
"No, but I can try making a spell that's the exact opposite of Bewitched Beckoning to see if that gives you resistance to brainwashing. It may take a bit to figure out since I don't even have access to the former to begin with and I can't guarantee it will be enough to resist the member berries' control, but that's the best I can do."
"That works. Worst case scenario, I'll trigger the spell right before I fall under their control and hope Cthulhu is given enough power to stop Dovah, Cartman, and Kenny. If I can't even manage that, well... Dovah will come back eventually, I hope."
"Don't think like that, Karen. You can do this. I know you can!" Tricia does her best to hype me up.
"You were taught by the best. You can be as good as them if not better if you don't half-ass it. Don't set yourself up for failure because then all you'll get is failure. Also, if you die, I'll go to Hell or R'lyeh or wherever you end up at and kill you again myself."
"I'm sure you will just out of spite. Now let's go save the world!"
"...I haven't even started trying to make the spell yet, posers."
"Oh, right. Let's go save the world in a few hours!... or days. Uhhh, how long do you think this will take you?"
Nahkriin War Council:
Kingpin: ok so the plan to assassinate Tenorman should be happening in a few hours. I'm going to need Kyle to launch some more raids to keep their vigilance up and Dovah on standby to wreck their shit on my signal
NinJew: Dougie got Tenorman's trust that quickly?
Kingpin: it's pretty easy to make people believe they hate me
NinJew: fair enough
HumanAlduin: just got back i'm down for this
HumanAlduin: also this last SAC base (the final one in Africa) was either abandoned and then found by someone else before us or the remnants teamed up with one of the stronger factions because all I found in it was a nuke with my literal name spray painted on it in the basement
NinJew: you disarmed it right?
HumanAlduin: nope. I also found out that radiation poisoning counts as a debuff because Satanic Seal was able to get rid of it. I'm lucky and desire murder.
NinJew: dude you sure you can keep this up? Aren't you getting tired?
HumanAlduin: lifesteal is a very helpful ability to have
Kingpin: not a bad down-low plan for a nuclear assassination considering that SAC bases are always super fucking far away from civilization so very few people, if any, would even notice it besides whoever the target taking the bait was. I'll take note of that for future reference.
NinJew: oh boy
ProfChaos: guess who's back fellas!
Kingpin: about fucking time
HumanAlduin: how was your beauty sleep?
ProfChaos: I dreamed I was at a Niel Diamond concert.
ProfChaos: also you ok dovah?
HumanAlduin: I powered up to max and stacked my shield abilities on myself before entering the place as a just-in-case like usual. That probably saved my life since the fuckers behind this plan detonated the thing like 2 seconds after i found it.
HumanAlduin: still hurt like hell but healing was no problem.
Kingpin: who dat? Also, can you lead the distraction raids instead of Kyle? It will make the alliance more convinced they are the ones leading us into a trap
Kingpin: also we're scanning any hideouts/bases we find for bombs before entering them from now on. Not everyone here is as overpowered as dovah.
HumanAlduin: that was the guy who stopped (pacified?) mecha-streisand last time
NinJew: wasn't that Robert Smith of the cure?
ProfChaos: ok but make sure Dougie is alright ok?
Kingpin: Kyle that was the first time the mecha kaiju bitch attacked, not the second. Butters, he'll be fine. Now let's go do some community service!
Ninjew: community service?
Kingpin: well what would you call it?
Ninjew: ginger genocide
Kingpin: their group's goal is literally to commit genocide on everyone who ISN'T ginger kyle. We're doing the world a favor right now.
Ninjew: weren't YOU the one who started that up?
Kingpin: yeah but they kept it going
HumanAlduin: community service sounds both more appropriate and more funny in my opinion. I vote on going with that title from now on.
Kingpin: that's 2-1 with the votes. Butters?
ProfChaos: well this isn't complete genocide since Dougie is a good ginger and also Kyle is a daywalker. Also is anyone else seeing a news report about Santa Claus going apeshit right now or is it just me?
Santa chose to start his own attack while the four South Parkers leading Nahkriin were finalizing theirs. Entire armies of elves equipped with magical swords, bows, and bombs riding flying reindeer and sleighs descended on National Security Agency buildings all across the United States, giving Memberboss a nasty surprise when he sees his intelligence network literally going up in flames.
Another smaller army is sent to South Park which (unknown to everyone else) helps take some of the pressure off of Karen, Tricia, and the goths while they make their final preparations to summon Cthulhu.
The final army heads straight for the White House with Santa himself leading the charge. For those of you who have seen the American Dad season 7 Christmas episode "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls", picture that Santa's army but bigger.
"I'M COMING FOR YOU, GARRISON!!! SANTA CLAUS IS GONNA GO TO TOWN ON YOUR ASS!!!"
"OH, JEEZ!"
"Why's Santa attacking us?"
"Member what the NSA did?"
"Ohhh, I member!"
"BUT I WASN'T EVEN PRESIDENT BACK THEN!"
*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*
"OH, JEEEEEEZ!!!"