?????'s POV:
"Teeheehee. Don't worry, he'll come save you soon. And then you can save him from his broken heart."
"Now I really wouldn't recommend going down that road."
"It'll be fine. I helped him find love with Leslie, right? This time, he doesn't have to worry about any eventual betrayal from either side!"
"Will he really save me? What if he's scared of me? Everyone seems to be, even though I'm only a little damp."
"Don't worry, he's literally stabbed a devil in the face before. A spirit isn't going to scare him."
"That sounds really badass."
"Right? Oh, here they come. Remember, I was never here. Teeheehee"
Dovah's POV:
I decided to free the Samara knockoff bus stop girl next and broke into Nathan's cabin with Wendy to get the haunted tape she wanted. Side note, the start of the dock where the battle with Nathan happens towards the end of the DLC is fucking wrecked after Spontanious Bootay crashed through it while chasing Jimmy. Butters and Bootay are over there now going fishing while Jimmy is probably getting a new pair of pants.
Anyway, how I basically took over South Park has been on my mind a lot lately and I decided to ask Wendy about what she thought of it. I already know Cartman's opinion but I want to hear hers too.
"Well, my opinions on that have changed several times throughout the years but as for right now, I don't really mind it. I believe what you've done has made this town a lot better overall. If you think you're someone like Cartman when it comes to this, just remember what he wanted to do when he gained control of the town."
The bad, chaotic, 24/7 Christmas future shown towards the end of Fractured but Whole pops up into my head and I find myself agreeing with her.
"I know you're selfish sometimes but who isn't? You're a good person Dovah, just trust your gut and do what you think is right, okay? You've done awesome so far so just keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure we'll be fine." She smiles at me and I give her a smile back but on the inside, I know I can't do what she's suggesting.
I only have knowledge of the events from seasons that take place over the next few years and I doubt most of them will be anything like canon now. My greatest advantage is gonna become practically useless soon and I'm honestly pretty scared about that.
I guess she saw the nervous look behind that smile since she hugs me from behind.
"It's okay. You'll always have me and the others to rely on."
"...Right. Thanks, Wendy."
It's getting darker out so I summon some flames around us to light the area up before heading over to the spirit who seems kind of jumpy. Does she know I have the tape or is it the fire around me?
I pull it out and hand it to the spirit with a smile on my face. Unlike the last one, it's a kid around my (physical) age (though she's been a spirit for Freeman knows how long at this point) so I better be a bit more gentle. I don't want to get haunted by any more annoying dumbasses. Looking at you, Cupid Cartman, Towelie, Old Farmer, Timmy, Freeman, and most of my Social Media followers.
I know none of those guys are actually ghosts but they might as well be with how often they pop up out of nowhere just to stalk and/or annoy me.
"Hey there, I know you're probably scared and confused right now, but it's gonna be okay. I have the tape you've been looking for. Here. You can make peace and move on now."
The spirit forms into a ghost of the kid and she takes the tape from me.
"Thanks for helping me, Dovie!" She then flies over and kisses me on the cheek which leaves some ectoplasm on my face. I do my best not to grimace and give a quick "You're welcome." before leaving while wiping the ghost goo off my face.
Wendy's POV:
*sigh* 'Lucky bitch!'
"He's so dreamy, isn't he?" Who the- the ghost?!
"Why are you still here? Aren't you supposed to move on to the afterlife now since you got your tape?"
"Who said that?"
"...Dovah."
"Well, originally I was gonna go once I got it back but I think I'm gonna stick around for a bit longer. You don't mind being roommates, right?"
"What?"
Dovah's POV:
My spiritual community service quest came to a halt after spirit #2 as I had to spend over half an hour in the shower just to get this fucking ghost goo smell off of me. It wasn't all bad as the counselor already in there was pretty nice once I convinced him I wasn't gonna get him arrested due to the whole 'us being naked in a visible bathroom shower' thing.
We made small talk for a while before the cripples and a somewhat flattened and traumatized Bradley entered with some guys dressed up as monsters following close behind to enact another of the canon fights during this DLC.
Would it have killed the counselors to spend a couple hundred of the millions of dollars Timmy gave them back in season 18 to get some shower curtains or something? Showering in the open while your friends are beating up adults in monster costumes 10 feet away is awkward as fuck!
Once I was finished, I went down to the beach around the lake to relax and maybe surf a little until Zarganor comes down to Earth. I won't be interfering in that showdown, just spectating as Timmy gets vengeance for his canon self. As for the other tasks here, I'm gonna be doing all of the side quests over the next few days so I have no need to cram any more in now.
I know I keep doing the shit you're not supposed to do in horror movies like traveling alone and taking showers but I also have enough firepower to make nuclear bombs look like firecrackers. Besides, Nathan is after Jimmy's ass, not mine.
I'm not going to get slowly stabbed to death or locked up in some overly complex Saw movie style trap. Superheroes aren't associated with horror movies for a reason.
Fun fact about this DLC - there was originally supposed to be a section where Mimsy actually set up a 'Saw' inspired trap for two of the camp counselors. It was supposed to be at the cabin next to Nathans but said cabin was just boarded up and rendered inaccessible in the final cut of the DLC.
New Kid (the player) had to choose which one to save but the one who was saved would then die as well thanks to a trap at the cabin door that is activated when the surviving counselor tries heading out.
Each counselor had a different overly complex death trap set up for them. I won't go into too much detail but one involved a mini trampoline and a shitload of giant darts while the other featured a swimming pool and a shitload of spicy chili.
Back to what I'm doing, I make some giant waves with a few energy blasts and surf on them for a while before relaxing on a beach chair and staring up at the night sky, waiting for a giant green comet to crash down at the camp. Not having to worry about hiding superpowers is the best.
Looking back, I probably got so used to using my powers whenever I felt like it in South Park that I just grew to not like crowded places outside of South Park.
Take Team Craig's trip to the Gulf of Mexico a bit over a year ago for example. Sure, the amusement park on the dock was nice and we got our hands on a portal that leads into another dimension but whenever I look at the pictures we took there, I get the urge to try and find Waldo. I couldn't spawn a single spark or bone hand without hundreds of people noticing in an instant.
Don't get me wrong, I love hanging out with the rest of Team Craig and going on family vacations with Kenny, Karen, and sometimes Tricia but I prefer that and also having no issues using my powers over the former because superpowers are awesome.
For the record, no adults came with us on that trip. In fact, we never have adults come with us on our trips. Those idiots can mind their own damn business.
As for how we handle transportation for most of our trips, the answer really isn't as complicated as you think. Before we got Imaginationland and access to portal guns and teleportation pads, if we didn't feel like flying (aka Kenny and I carrying the others), we just drove there ourselves. There are many instances throughout the show of the South Park kids driving various vehicles from buses to boats to professional race cars all over the place.
Fun fact - Cartman was at least one of the drivers in every single one of the listed instances.
Anyway, members of Team Craig just took turns driving and swapping out was pretty easy when I could stop time long enough for us to reshuffle. Not everyone could drive though. Tweek is awful at it, Jimmy isn't handicapable of doing it, and the one time we let Clyde take the wheel, he somehow managed to get lost in a fucking long tunnel of all things, causing one of our trips to Pipi's Splashtown to be 2 hours longer than it should've been.
How he managed to do that, I'll never know.
'Maybe I should try going to space sometime in the future. That sounds like it would be a fun adventure. We already have several Visitor spaceships at the base and only a few episodes throughout the show explored bits and pieces of it so I could actually see new shit up there.'
"Hey, Dovah." Wendy cuts off my Star Trek fantasy and heads over to me while wearing nothing but a purple bikini.
"Hey, Wends. Did you want to go ghost hunting again?"
"Nah, we did plenty of that already. Mind if I sit with you?"
"...There's only one beach chair."
"I know." She then hops up and sits on my lap like it's the most normal thing in the world.
"Uhhh, what are you doing?"
"Sitting?" Ok, this isn't working. Initiate LBK (Lady Boner Killer) Plan B for bluntness.
"Wendy, you have a boyfriend and I'm not interested in dat-"
"Don't worry, I broke up with him."
'Ok wow, where did this come from? Was she jealous of the ghost or something? Was she hinting something while comforting me? It was the "trust your gut" thing, wasn't it?'
I'm really starting to get fed up with the girls here. What part of "I'm not interested in dating anyone right now." don't they understand?! I have been Craig Tucker levels of blunt with them this entire time! Should I ask Timmy to mind-control their crushes away or something?
"You... broke up with him?"
"Yeah, didn't you know? We break up all the time. You don't have to worry about him." Crap, I think she's starting to lose it like she did back in season 1's "Tom's Rhinoplasty". When dressing up sexily failed, she resorted to murder, kidnapping, and terrorism.
That episode ended with her bribing international terrorists to shoot a substitute teacher that she thought was taking Stan from her into the fucking sun. Did I mention that said substitute teacher was a lesbian? They had her locked inside a rocket and blasted into a star and Wendy watched it happen through her homemade eclipse shoebox with a smile on her face.
I better put a stop to this before she makes Eric Cartman look sane in comparison. Time for LBK Plan C: de-escalating the situation through flattery and half-truths and landing softly in the friend zone.
"Listen, Wendy, I think you're a really nice girl. You're intelligent, strong, and always willing to stand up for what's right. Anybody would be lucky to have you but I just can't go back into a relationship right now. What happened with Leslie left some mental scars on me and I just need some time to heal, ok?"
"That's exactly why you need help, Dovah. You've been hurting inside for years now. Being alone isn't helping to fix the problem. You just need some help which I am more than happy to give." She decides to ignore my personal space even further by getting in really close and cupping my cheek with her hand while having her eyes meet my own.
"You don't have to be alone anymore, Dii." She says softly. Time for LBK Plan D: getting the fuck out of here. Time Pause, activate!
I freeze time and back up a few dozen feet after setting Wendy down. When time unpauses, she isn't too happy with me.
"Just take some time to think about what you're doing, ok? Do you really want a repeat of Miss Ellen?"
"Dovah! Please come back! I can make you happy again!" I ran out of there and back towards the entrance of the camp as she's screaming. I then take a few deep breaths, think about what the fuck just happened, quickly come to an obvious realization, and look up towards the sky.
"Cupid Cartman, I don't know how you did it BUT I KNOW YOU DID IIIIIIT!!!"
"Teeheehee, I'm innocent this time, Dovah-AAH!"
*BOOM* *BANG* BAM* *BOOM* *BOOM* SMACK* *SLAM* *BANG* *BANG* *BOOM* *SMACK* *BAM* *BANG* *BOOM* *BAM* *BOOM* *BANG* BAM* *BOOM* *BOOM* SMACK* *SLAM* *BANG* *BANG* *BOOM* *SMACK* *BAM* *BANG* *BOOM* *BAM*
After a Looney Toons style beatdown, I smash the little bastard into what's left of the gas station wall.
"BULL! SHIT! Undo whatever shit you did to her before she goes full on yandere again because if she fucking does, I'm throwing you into a blender with some tropical fruits and turning you into a gory smoothie!"
"ACK! *cough* Did you see any arrows sticking out of her? I don't make every person in the world fall in love with others, Dovahkiin. *cough* She's felt this way for over a year now! Why not reciprocate those feelings? This isn't like Leslie, you know? You don't have to murder her in a few years to save the world."
"She already has a boyfriend, you fat, angelic asshole! You say you want love, those two can give it to you. Leave Me. The Fuck. Out! Of! This!"
"Like I said, I didn't do anything to her. You're on your own here." Fucking fat piece of fucking... wait what? Why do I feel spiritual energy in Wendy? I never turned her into a Netherborn and I know Kenny didn't either. Oh god dammit, did the fucking ghost possess her? Since when is the ghost a yandere? Wait a second...
I turn back towards Cupid Cartman with the look of realization on my face quickly turning back into one of anger.
"You said you didn't do anything to Wendy and from the looks of it, you weren't bullshitting. But don't think I didn't notice the intentional wordplay, cupid fatass. You said you didn't do anything to her, not that you had nothing to do with the way she is now. You did something to that fucking ghost girl."
"I may of *cough* told her a bit about you, but that's it!" I glare at the little angel who I'm willing to bet is really a devil in disguise as he attempts to talk his way out of this. I then turn towards an approaching possessed Wendy.
"Hey Wendy, if you find me a working blender, I'll kiss you!"
"Uh, *cough* What are you doing, Dovahkiin?"
"Just preparing a few refreshments for the upcoming exorcism."
*gulp*