Right now, I'm heading to my favorite Mexican place with an absolutely livid Mysterion. Turns out Karen befriended the vamp kids while he, Timmy, and I were busy preparing for and dealing with the events of Fractured but Whole, and just in time for Mike's birthday too.
(A/N: As for why the DLC is happening right now, while the release of the DLC itself is a few months after the regular game came out, Mysterion says to New Kid "...I know we've got other problems back in South Park, but I can't let those monsters hurt my sister." To me, that implies that this is either happening during or right after the main game with right after being much more likely due to lack of free time during the 4 days the game takes place in.)
The DLC bus is actually a thing here that got created right when Fractured but Whole started so no more secretly flying to Casa Bonita is necessary although the latter is much much faster.
As we're heading there, we get a telepathic message from a crippled Dick Dastardly.
(("Very flattering, Dovah. Anyway, I see you've already left. Remember Kenny, don't go too far with this. They're just celebrating Mike's birthday and want to befriend Karen for Freeman's sake.
Instead of rampaging through the restaurant like you're the fucking Tasmanian Devil, limit your rescue mission to what was done in canon or less extreme or I WILL post you know what."))
Kenny visibly pales at this and mutters his agreement to the telepathic cripple.
As for what "you know what" is, a few months ago, Kenny got the brilliant idea of using Imaginationland to make a Maid Cafe where the waitresses were all the girls in our class plus some of his exes like Kelly and Tammy. He basically lived at that place for like a week which was more than enough time for Timmy to catch on and get some incriminating footage of the guy.
He's been holding that over Kenny since then and the latter is not thrilled about it to put it lightly. I may have gone once or twice myself to check it out but since Timmy hasn't blackmailed me yet (at least with that anyway), I'm assuming he wasn't around for those little "vacations" as we call them.
At least Kenny is finally being forced to quit the Smile Dip. Either Timmy's blackmail or that one time Karen found a pack and tried it herself caused him to destroy every last gram of the snack (drug) that was shipped here through Imaginationland.
What did he think she would do when she saw the colorful candy snack bag?
"Sooo... was it worth it?" I can't help but ask.
"*Sigh* Well, it's as they say: in for a penny, in for a pound. I just had to make it worth it."
"You do realize Timmy could get more footage of you if he catches on, right?"
"I made sure to hide it better this time around. "You can't abuse this realm for stupid shit like that!" he says. You're one to fucking talk, Timmy! I know about the refined uranium you've been mass producing, sorry, 'imagining' for yourself. What the fuck do you even need a miniaturized nuclear reactor for? And also, what the hell happened to the "What happens in Imaginationland stays in Imaginationland." agreement we made when we first got access to the place?"
(("That agreement was voided the second you started smuggling drugs from other TV shows into the real world, you immortal addict."))
Kenny begins to ramble and plan how to catch Timmy in his other less than decent acts at that realm when we finally arrive.
"Ok, you go get Karen while I deal with those fucking vamp kids." Kenny commands as he straps on a Bane mask.
(("You are not committing murder and blaming it on Bane, Kenny. That may have worked in season 16's "Insecurity" but that won't work with me."))
Kenny takes off the mask while grumbling about personal space.
"As funny as that would have been, remember to show restraint, Kenny. You could squash your canon self with a breath right now so try not to snap the vamp kids in half like twigs, okay?"
"...I promise to try."
Hearing Mysterion talk in a Bane voice is pretty funny, not gonna lie.
After Kenny puts the mask away, we buy the tickets and head in to confront the vamp kids where Kenny proceeds to do his best Saxton Hale impression.
"You have two options here, vamp kids. Either we fight so you can keep my sister and try to turn her into a lame ass vamp kid, or you could give my sister back and never bother her again because I WILL RIP YOUR SPINES OUT OF YOUR ASSES IF YOU PICK OPTION ONE!!!"
The vamp kids all hiss at us and some start to throw plates which harmlessly bounce off our dire shrouds.
"Thank you for picking option one. You know what to do, Dovahkiin." Mexican music continues to play as Kenny charges in and begins a mass genocide of the vampiric race. I quickly learn that these guys don't have actual powers like the bat shield and lifesteal like in game and instead resort to biting with their plastic fangs or throwing food and silverware at the caped crusader.
I was hoping he would scream, "Now PREPARE FOR AUSTRALIAN JUSTICE!!!" before charging in but Kenny still takes his Mysterion alter-ego pretty seriously.
Mike's uncle continues to try and mediate with a god awful joke about James Woods thrown in every once in a while and I head over towards Karen.
"Hey Kare-bear. Sorry about what Kenny's doing but he just really doesn't want you to do something you'll regret down the line."
"I know. I just wanted to see this play out in real life. You made it sound really funny."
"Huh?" She flashes one of her adorable little smiles at me.
"I know your se-cret." She sings. "You and Kenny don't even try to hide those conversations when you're at home. Don't worry, I'm not mad and haven't told anyone. I think it's really cool what you're doing. You're like one of those time travelers in movies!" Oh god dammit.
I thought Karen was too innocent to eavesdrop. Kenny thought so too. Our mistake.
Not Timmy's though considering he's telepathically laughing in my head again.
She gets off her chair and hugs me while I continue to hear the superpowered cripple laughing in my mind. I swear, that guy is more like Principal Nezu than Charles Xavier.
"Thanks for coming to save me, big bro. Can we go visit the arcade now? It's been forever since we went here together! Pwease, big brother?" I still can't resist those puppy eyes of hers and take her over there while Kenny replicates that elbow drop wrestling move on an unlucky vampire kid pinned to the table, splitting it in half (the table, not the kid but I doubt the kid feels too good after that).
'Maybe I should keep an eye on him after all?... Nah. Timmy probably has every square inch of this restaurant bugged.'
(("That and most of the parking lot.")) Figures.
We do the skee ball game first where I DON'T stick the balls up my ass like New Kid does and play the normal way with Karen who I of course have to let win. I may be a bit competitive at times but I'm not an asshole and will not use my asshole to win.
El Chupacabra is next and Karen watches me as I dominate (she never played and wanted some prizes) and win enough tickets to get her several pieces of junk on the prize stands.
There are two main reasons behind me crushing any previous records in this. First, I already know what to aim for and second, I have plenty of experience doing this kind of thing.
When I first came to this world, I bought some guns from Jimbo's store along with Kenny and Timmy because as season 19 explains, you can not believe how many problems can be solved with one of those things.
A few shots from a gun could probably resolve at least half of the crazy shit that happens here in an instant and are just really good for protection. Netherborn powers were great to have back then but they weren't as quick and precise as a simple gunshot.
As time went on and my powers became stronger and greater in number, it became more of a hobby with me visiting some shooting ranges during my free time. A crappy fake ID can work wonders here so it wasn't an issue for my 10 year old physical body to get in.
I was pretty into things like laser tag and paintball guns when I was younger in my old world and even had some CO2 guns and rifles to play around with when I was in high school so this hobby isn't coming out of nowhere. Also, Timmy wouldn't shut up about me getting one after the whole 'crab people genocide' fiasco.
(A/N: Chp 36 "Experiments" goes into details about that shitshow.)
(("I specifically asked you to get a hobby that doesn't involve murder.")) I'm not killing anyone at shooting ranges, Tim.
(("Sigh."))
I've had a concealed weapon on me for years in this world and it's helped me out a few times here and there when the South Park problem of the week finds its way to my doorstep. Superpowers aren't always the answer to my problems here.
The training I've been doing over the years has also helped out a ton with hand-eye coordination and focus and with my superhuman levels of speed, stuff like this is literal childsplay. Good thing I'm a child then, right? Ok, I'll stop now. One god-awful comedian at this restaurant is enough.
Looking at you, Mike's uncle. Nobody gives a shit about James Woods.
Karen did a few rounds of Fish Quest and even got over 90 seconds one time which I made sure to give her a congratulatory hug for. While she was doing that, I looked around for Cartman since he's one of the three buddies/allies (other two are Kenny and Henrietta (goth chick)) you're supposed to get for this DLC but I didn't see him anywhere. I guess I broke his spirit after our talk in Fractured but Whole.
I suppose I never really thought about how my actions and plans led me to essentially take over South Park. I blew people like Cartman and Wendy out of the water when it came to that sort of thing and made events go mostly how I envisioned them going.
Looking back, while I do feel a little guilty about it, I don't regret it one bit since how else was I supposed to try and change the future for the better?
We went over to the dance machine next and we chose 'Dynamite Rave' by Naoki after kicking a few vamp kids off. I know being good at dancing is a requirement for goths here thanks to SOT, let's see if the same goes for vamp kids.
Round 1: Fight!
"Techno, rave It's time to make a stand N pave the way. Some might say..."
It's a lot of fun and we even get a bit of an audience going after a while.
"...On concrete or on the dance floor. You want more, then I'll give you more. If it's too hardcore, let me know. I'll stop the show, then bring it back."
It helps that Karen is dressed up like a vamp kid right now.
"...When you can see me on TV, On the radio, Here me blow!"
The song breaks for a bit and I suddenly sense a very familiar energy signature entering the arcade.
"Step aside, mortals! You call that dancing? I'll show you where the phrase about 'Dancing with the Devil' came from!" Damien appears out of nowhere and pushes me aside.
"Doesn't that phrase mean that if you try and change bad people, you'll be the one getting changed instead?" A vamp kid asks. Damien responds by turning the kid into a duck-billed platypus.
"Don't worry big bro, I've got this! Let's dance, Damien!" Karen challenges the demon and he smiles at this.
"Bring it on, vampire runt." Kick his ass, Karen.
Round 2: Fight!
"G-G-Get on your feet, Don't hold me back! It's time to beat, on the right track!..."
Round two begins with every kid in the arcade watching as the two duel.
"...I know you got a dream, yeah! You know how to start, you are gonna make it! Come on! You know yourself, yeah! Everyone's waiting for the best show yet!"
This kinda reminds me of one of the old fan made South Park series I watched in my old world about the untold chronicles of South Park. It was never finished but featured a shit load of OCs from the South Park fandom. Come to think of it...
Flashback- Dovah's POV:
"I was also kind of curious what a hardcore yet level headed South Park fan would do if sent to this place. I tried sending a few others before but they all turned out to be die-hard fangirls who either tirelessly shipped themselves with one or more of the boys or shipped all the boys with each other.
While it usually works out for them in those fanfiction stories they write, it's quite a different story when they are sent into the actual town where instead of problems like relationship drama constantly occurring, problems like those shown in the show or others of a similar nature happen consistently. They were good enough at befriending most of the "characters" as you call them but when it came to withstanding the episode plots or problems similar to them, they couldn't really do much in the end. Most of them died pretty quickly no matter what point in time I sent them to.
"So you're basically doing this as a science fair project?"
"If you want to call it that. Anyway, I realized back then that I seemed to be going in the wrong direction with this so I took a different path. Someone like you who seemed capable enough of truly realizing the dangers of this place and mostly focused on what was essential instead of shipping 10 year olds managed to thrive in this reality. Of course, you're far from perfect yourself but at least you aren't dead as of now."
Present:
Freeman talked about bringing others from my old world into the reality of South Park. I'm sure Kenny or Timmy would have mentioned if any other "otherworlders" appeared here in the past as they would have to have changed something.
Does that mean they were brought to different timelines? Could they be copies of the timeline I'm in now or maybe timelines where the games (SOT and TFBW) don't take place? Maybe others were sent to a reality where the really old games like Tenorman's Revenge happen?
He also said he sent them to different points in time so that would mean they aren't the New Kid character and don't have his powers. Even if they did, would they even bother utilizing them for anything outside the games if they happen? Based on what Freeman said about their priorities, probably not.
I guess I should be thankful I became the New Kid during SOT in the end instead of, say, starting out as a random kid that moves to South Park in Season 1.
While the start of my time here was far more challenging then my possible start in season 1 or earlier on then that, it brought with it far greater rewards in the form of my powers and possibilities.
It's like choosing a harder difficulty in a game and getting better prizes because of it. I doubt many people who were in my shoes made it past night 1 with that damn spaceship crashing while having no plot armor to magically send you back to your bedroom. I had the power and protection of 2 Netherborns and still barely made it out alive. Yes, I'm still salty about that bullshit.
(A/N: Happened in Chp 7 "A Little Problem Called Plot")
"Big bro, I need help! He's too good at this!" Looks like Karen's starting to fall behind. Another break happens in the song and I switch out with her.
"Don't worry, Karen. I'll send this guy back to the literal hellhole he crawled out of."
"Come to avenge your loss, Dovah?"
"Last I checked, Kenny kicked your ass during that fight on Christmas."
"Kenny did, not you."
"Well then allow me to rectify that mistake, prince."
Round 3: Fight!