"Member the anal probe?"
"Member how Stan used to puke on Wendy all the time?"
"Yeah! Yeah! Member when she killed Miss Ellen?"
"Yeah, I remember. That scared the shit out of me when I first saw that episode."
Timmy finally managed to get his hands on some member berries for the final timefart power in TFBW and I may have sampled a few out of curiosity. It's like you're feeling high as a kite and super nostalgic at the same time.
"Oh man, I have no idea what's happening right now, but do you guys remember if I had a kid or not? I'm like 35% sure I have one... no wait, 36%."
"Yeah, member when you went to rehab?"
"Oh, I member." Towelie is here too somehow but he's handing out free weed so I don't mind.
(("Yup, just as I thought. These things are affecting his brain both short and long term. It's nothing I can't use my powers to undo but not everyone has a telepath for a doctor.")) Timmy and Kenny already know about the member berries' plan and how they affect people from looking through my memories and are now trying to make a cure for the permanent brainwashing-esc effects just in case.
The plan we came up with involves working with the member berries to an extent but it's always good to have a few backup plans ready.
This is just one of the many experiments the three of us have been working on lately. From messing around with alien tech to taking a deeper look into our powers, Kenny, Timmy, and I have worked on tons of projects over the years I've been here.
Getting the other ingredients for the Chocolate Memberito wasn't too difficult. Asking nicely was all it took for Ms. Cartman to make some Double Stuffed Brownies. Her kid wasn't too thrilled about it but who cares about Cartman, am I right?
As for Cartman himself, he started getting on the Social Justice bandwagon more and more lately and I'm pretty sure he already has a few 'Tolkien's Life Matters' shirts. Fun fact, Tolkien's name here has actually been Token the entire time. I guess that retcon isn't happening until season 25 like in the show.
As for when I actually ate the 'dish', I immediately gave the power a try. I was curious to see if I would get a past version of 'me' me or a past version of the original New Kid. I assumed it would be the latter since while the definition on the game wiki says it summons your past self here, that past self the game refers to should be during the time before they move to South Park.
I became the New Kid the day he moved to South Park so with that logic in mind, the past me I'm summoning should be the original mute New Kid, right? However, logic isn't exactly something in abundance in South Park so I can't know for sure until I try it.
I use the ability and a kid who looks exactly like me is summoned a few feet away. He's a little smaller than me and is wearing red pajamas but other than that, he's like a carbon copy of me.
"Ummm, hi. Do you talk at all?" I ask him and he just gives me a blank stare. Yup, he's the original New Kid.
(("It seems like your first theory was correct. Now let's try out the second one. Dovahkiin from the past, do you perhaps feel like you have any 'powers' of sorts? Like being able to summon or create things?"))
In TFBW, the past New Kid you can summon has all the current ones' abilities. Past New Kid can also only be summoned for a short time but exactly how long that is and if anything affects it are experiments to do later. We have plenty of time to do this so it's best to be thorough with testing instead of rushing through it.
Past New Kid summons purple flames a few seconds later so that is another similarity to the game. We have him cycle through all my powers and he eventually disappears after about 5 minutes.
Summoning him took a lot out of my ass and I need to spend about an hour 'recharging' before I can summon him back. Or at least I think it's him. It's never really confirmed if you are summoning the same past version of yourself or different ones. We ask him if he remembers us and he gives a blank stare again. Well this is annoying.
We eventually resort to reading his mind and find out that this is in fact the same Past New Kid I summoned before. We also found out a few other things like how the same amount of time passed for him as it did for us and once he gets back, he loses the powers he got from coming here.
He does however keep any injuries he got from the present when he returns to the past though that isn't exactly a good thing.
"Sucks you don't have a system like some of those anime protagonists do. We could have just read the description instead of going through all this crap."
"Yeah Kenny, I could have easily used a system to unlock and master these abilities IF I HAD ONE!"
Somewhere in the multiverse, a divine taco shop owner rolls his eyes.
We did some more testing and gave him some cash for his troubles and I ultimately decided to not use this ability in the future. For starters, this New Kid, despite getting my powers, doesn't know how to use them and training him would take forever considering he can only be summoned here for 5 minutes every hour or so at most. Second, summoning him here means dragging him away from his point in time whenever I summon him.
Imagine eating a meal or using the bathroom or something and suddenly find yourself in the future with superpowers the future version of you apparently has and are immediately forced to fight someone. Doesn't sound very nice, does it?
While I didn't gain a new attack or fighting partner in the end, I did get to confirm a few things I was curious about and meet the actual New Kid which was nice I guess.
Along with experiments, we have also been trying to track down several different things over the years. One of those things was more U.F.Os since having more alien technology never hurts. Unfortunately, visitors have been pretty much avoiding South Park after SOT with a few popping up here and there every once in a while at most.
We had to resort to tracking ships down in other parts of Colorado or even the U.S. entirely and we actually did manage to get our hands on a few intact ships over the years. Timmy is currently working on some armor and weapons for us to boost our combat powers even higher which is nice.
Another thing we have been tracking down is the Crab People. Why track them down, you may ask? They never cause problems in the later seasons of South Park, right? Well, in Fractured but Whole, one of the missions New Kid has to do is help Wendy/Call Girl get her phones working again by seeing what the issue is at the D-Mobile store.
The store was taken over by crab people who Cartman/Mitch Conner employed and the New Kid and Wendy have to defeat them. The boss enemy in this fight is the King Crab who has quite the interesting weapon.
It is a giant golden scepter with the top of it being shaped like a crab claw. The scepter can heal and boost the attack power of multiple people at the same time with a really low charge time and even has telepathic abilities. The crab king uses the latter to blast New Kid and Wendy across the fighting area all throughout the fight. I want that scepter.
It will be the base for what I'm hoping becomes my own trademark weapon with the healing and attack buffs as a bare minimum. Various bits of alien tech and power crystals from the visitor ships we've gotten over the years will also be put into it along with some human technology too advanced for me to even try to understand. Timmy will be making it and I can't wait for it to be done.
Speaking of the cripple, he and I are competing to get the scepter. Whoever finds it first gets to punish the loser. Timmy first sent multiple drones with cloaking tech to spy on the underground network and map it out. Turns out the underground caverns in South Park is fucking huge (several times larger then the above-ground town itself) and running rampant with underpants gnomes, crab people, giant rats, etc.
Once we had the place mapped out, we began mob farming the caverns. Now this is where my competitive side began to take over. We agreed not to sabotage each other (otherwise the cavern would probably collapse before we found the thing) but like that would stop us from one-upping each other.
It started out friendly enough but after about a week, I found out that Timmy built a fucking robot dummy of himself to go to school for him so he had plenty of extra time to farm. I paid Kenny to bring a cardboard cutout of myself to school everyday to retort and spent the following days traversing the caves (this works surprisingly well considering how 2-D we look from the fourth wall perspective).
I mob farmed crab people for so long that I began to question my sanity.
I knew it was getting bad when one time after I finished farming the things, I took a nap and when I woke up, I had no idea how long I was asleep for but when I looked around the caverns, I instantly knew that I had been asleep for 5 and a half hours based on how many new enemies there were in that particular area.
I don't have a problem so shut up.
As of now, Timmy has killed about 3,500 crab people himself while in that same period of time, I killed over TEN THOUSAND OF THEM! (and that's just crab people)
I had to clear out the entire cavern 48 FUCKING TIMES!
And that's only counting the times I was alone.
I made sure to grind crab people whenever Timmy was as well to demoralize him.
(("I'm starting to think you have a mental illness, Dovah.")) As time went on, I could begin to hear the hope draining from his voice.
(("You need to find a fucking hobby that doesn't involve murder already."))
Timmy took down the scoreboard numbering how many crab people we each killed a couple weeks in and I was pretty confident that I was ahead and had better odds at finding the king as a result but I had no idea how large my lead was.
Key word: had.
Little does he know I spent the last 3 months rigorously updating a google spreadsheet of our increasing kill counts by going to his usual mob farming areas every day and using some phones to time the average spawn rates per hour of crab people in those areas while not clearing them out so he doesn't get suspicious.
Based on the math, I should be about 7,000 crab people ahead which equals around 180 hours of mob farming for him (you don't want to know how I figured that out) but still no fucking crab king. I really hope that TFBW isn't the only time one shows up. If that is the case, I'll probably blow up the entire cavern out of pure spite. If South Park caves in as a result, the town can just rebuild itself again no problem.
At the very least, I will have achieved my secondary goal by then: Irritate Timmy so much that I can't even begin to find a way to describe the sheer amount of irritation.
A lot of the non-royal crab people had weapons of them which we brought back to see if any had powers as well.
There was actually supposed to be a part of SOT that involved crab people but that was canceled and there was only one crab person in the game that New Kid can friend online. The crab people that were planned to be in the game had golden tridents and scepters with golden crab claws at the end like the crab people we're seeing now but they are just pieces of poorly forged metal.
Despite not having any powers, these weapons really are made out of gold so we could probably sell them for a good chunk of change if we really wanted. Kind of wish I made crab people hunting one of my business endeavors when I first came here, could have made a shitload off of it. Oh well.
There was a whole bunch of stuff that didn't make the final cut in SOT like a section on vamp kids, a section with the gingers who stole one of Cartman's dolls, a fifth class in the form of a cleric, and so on.
The girls were also supposed to have a much bigger role with them having multiple factions like the fairies and stupid spoiled whore faction. There were even some female elves but they were taken out in the end.
The girls were also supposed to be one of the factions your side allied with during the school attack on day 2. That would have been interesting to see but I had no reason to make those changes so I didn't bother with it.
Speaking of the girls, I really don't want to deal with a civil war with them so Timmy is keeping an eye out online for whenever Gerald decides to get into trolling. While the prospect of seeing all of Cartman's electronics being destroyed in real life sounds nice, I feel like the kid's been through enough. That's something I never thought I would say.
I guess you could say I'm thankful for the part he played in stopping the ads. We've kind of reached a mutual understanding at this point where we don't mess with each other as well so I won't go out of my way to antagonize him anymore since he won't be doing that with me. He also got his hand chopped off during the final battle with the ads which can't be fixed which he isn't thrilled about.
I guess my changes even took away some of the plot armor the main boys have. Who would've thought? Cartman seems to like the prosthetic hand though. He did another one of his 'get rich quick' schemes and got the money to get himself a mechanical hand that can do all sorts of weird stuff.
It's even covered in a replica of regular skin so you could hardly tell the difference between it and a real hand. That is until he has one of the fingers open up and release liquid ass spray in your face. Kyle was not amused and also puked his guts out.
"You done with our book, poser?"
"Depends. Timmy?"
(("I have its contents copied and translated already. You can have it back.")) There's just one last section of experiments to go over and they involve the Lovecraft Mythos. Well, it's less experiments and more intel gathering for now.
Timmy and I are pretty interested in this but Kenny is especially excited due to the history he has with this shit.
While we're talking about Kenny, the issue of him dying and almost nobody remembering is still there. The only people that actually remember his deaths are Cartman (pretty sure it's because he drank Kenny's soul and shared a body with him back in season 6), me (my current theory on that is because I'm from a completely different reality then him) and Timmy (he read Kenny and I's minds to confirm and has remembered them ever since).
Timmy may have even known about Kenny's death's before that since in season 5's "Cripple Fight", Timmy tried to kill Jimmy by getting him to wear Kenny's iconic orange parka. That means he knew about it, right?
I asked Timmy about this and he said he had an instinctual feeling that Jimmy wearing the parka would get him killed. He believes he was close to remembering the deaths before due to his enhanced mental capabilities through his telepathy but could never truly see through that part of the curse until now.
Back to the book, I'm by no means an expert of Lovecraft lore in my old reality but I do know the basics thanks to a couple documentaries I watched on it when I was bored. Timmy was able to bring those memories to the forefront of my mind and compare the lore in my old reality to the lore in this one with there being some differences between the two.
Just to clarify, the Lovecraft Mythos is where guys like Cthulhu and Shub-Niggurath are from. Elder and Outer Gods, Great Old Ones, other dimensions like R'lyeh, that kind of stuff.
The best source of intel we could find of this is from the Necronomicon the Goths got a while back. Turns out they stole it from the Cult of Cthulhu in South Park during one of their meetings around the time of the Superhero Trilogy in Season 14. Most of the stuff they had was fake crap but this book was actually the real deal.
(A/N: This book was shown with the Goth kids in Season 14 Episode 13 "Coon vs Coon and Friends")
There was a lot of stuff that contradicted each other with Cthulhu either being called an Elder God or Great Old One and Shub-Niggurath being called either an Elder God or Outer God despite there being a pretty big difference between the three groups.
To summarize, Great Old Ones are the weakest lovecraft gods, then come Elder Gods, and finally Outer Gods.
Another big difference between the Lovecraft lore in my old reality in this one is the power of these gods. In my old reality, Outer and even some Elder Gods supposedly have universe-busting, reality warping levels of power. Most people would go mentally insane just by looking at them and were practically unbeatable.
Lovecraft gods here on the other hand, while strong, are nowhere near that level of power. Maybe the show didn't properly display what they were made of or perhaps they were weakened for other reasons but the point is that they aren't unbeatable here.
Finally, there's the whole thing with Netherborns in South Park which isn't really a thing featured in the lore in my old reality, at least to my knowledge. I know that Netherborns and their power most likely come from Cthulhu and the god likely possesses a far more powerful version of it himself but I can't confirm anything until I see the guy with my own eyes.
Same goes for the other monstrosities in R'lyeh but that shouldn't be an issue for much longer as there just so happens to be a portal that leads to said dimension that was featured on the cartoon show. Once again, the Superhero Trilogy proves to be incredibly useful for me.
We'll be taking a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico soon to get it but there is still one last thing to address.
Remember that time distortion my powers caused back at the end of Stick of Truth? Well, I've tried and failed to replicate that without risking traveling to another timeline and getting stuck there but while that was on my mind again, I realized something.
That white haired kid, his shirt had a distorted star on it. A white star that was all twisted and bent with what almost looks like flames coming from most of the lines and a distorted white eye-flame symbol in the center.
This symbol, it's called the Elder Sign. It is a symbol that was believed to be created by Kthanid, Cthulhu's brother, and is used as protection against both the Great Old Ones and Outer Gods who have an instinctual fear against the symbol thanks to some kind of magic the Elder God used when creating it.
So what's the big deal about this? Could this kid be related to a Lovecraft god here or maybe is one in human form? Well, no, because another difference between the Lovecraft lore in this reality and my old one is that this symbol and Kthanid himself aren't mentioned anywhere. There are some Lovecraft gods that are exclusive to this reality's lore and others that are exclusive to my old reality's lore.
In that case, how does this guy know about it?
The only explanation I can think of is that this guy, he doesn't just know me but also my old reality.
He may even originate from it...