"YOU HELD BACK AGAINST THE ADS THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME?!?" I woke up from getting life-stolen by Damien only to find myself back at Tolkiens where I found out Kenny won in the end since Damien had no way around his immortality cheats.
Damien still could have won by restraining him or something like that but Kenny was pretty close to his power and I wanted an explanation to that. That explanation ended up being this fucking bombshell.
"You had to be the one to do it, dude. You would have never been able to move on otherwise. It's like you said, that was your fight to finish."
"YOU COULD HAVE DONE MORE TO HELP THOUGH! AND WHAT ABOUT KAREN? SHE WOULD HAVE DIED IF IT WASN'T FOR ME SINCE YOU WERE ON DEATH'S DOOR WHEN LESLIE CHARGED AT HER!"
"Why do you think I said I would have been in a far worse state than you were before if that happened? It was dumb, I know. It was a spur of the moment decision and I wanted to help you and did something completely retarded in the process."
"Well, welcome to the fucking club. Hopefully, you don't stick around for too long."
"Thanks and I'm sorry, dude. I know that killing Leslie felt like you just murdered your own heart but it was the only way for you to move forward. We never should have agreed for you to go undercover. We should have killed her right off the bat and taken our chances going into the unknown while preparing to fight the ads properly."
Kenny gives a look of remorse as he goes on. I can't really hold this mistake against him. I would just be a massive hypocrite at that point.
"Is the stupidity in this town genetic or something?" Damien suddenly interrupts.
"I don't know, is your girly voice box genetic or were you just cursed when you were little?" I quip back.
"Ok, that's enough, you two. I don't want the town to be destroyed anymore than it already has." Kenny tries to mediate but we both remind him that the parts of town that were damaged during the brawl will probably be all repaired by tomorrow.
Tolkien then comes in and drops the biggest bombshell yet.
"Ok, I'll make this simple since I'm tired of you idiots trying to kill each other. Anyone who fights here starting now is getting permanently banned from all future Christmas parties here." That resolved the issue in an instant.
"Are we all good now? Good. Now would you mind doing your fart-cure thing on me so I can respawn as a human now?" Oh yeah, Kenny's still a Nazi Zombie.
The only fighting that happened during Christmas Eve after that was in Super Smash Bros Brawl. Damien's main is Meta Knight which got plenty of complaints but I ended up kicking his ass as Yoshi since I played Brawl a ton in my old world. I just had the skill advantage, suck it demon. The random tripping mechanic screwed him over a few times but I'm just gonna call that skill on my part for utilizing it well.
Plenty of spiked eggnog was snuck in and drank after Karen, Tricia, and Tolkien's parents went to bed and I learned a little too much about some of the South Parkers that night. Turns out Clyde really does only have one testicle.
Some other things I learned were that Tweek has come *this* close to killing his parents and running away to get away from the drugs and forced child labor and Kenny broke out of prison after the season 4 episode 'Fat Camp' by doing some pretty messed up shit to stock up on favors from prison guards. I refuse to elaborate on that, the 'Krazy Kenny' show in season 4 was a fucking mistake on Kenny's part.
I seriously considered helping Tweek and letting him live at my place but Tweek refused in the end because of all the things that could go wrong and too much pressure.
I also learned that Timmy killed his turkey pet Gobbles from the season 4 episode 'Hellen Keller! The Musical' on accident while practicing tricks after the show. One mistake while crossing the ring of fire was all it took for the turkey to burn to death. The turkey was apparently declicious according to Timmy which is really fucked up if you think about it.
Craig's drunk confession was he thought about going back to Peru and having the army of giant guinea pigs take over the world a couple of times when he was feeling done with the planet and all the retards living on it and Jimmy has a few STDs from the hooker he had sex with in the season 9 episode 'Erection Day'.
(A/N: Looking back at the actual series, these kids did some seriously messed up shit from time to time. Just wow. I wish I was joking about this stuff happening.)
I ended up talking about a few things I did with Leslie before the gunshow happened and how much I loved her and fucking hated myself for loving her. Clyde then talks about how he was turned into a puppet for Bebe during the season 11 episode 'The List' and how we should all just swear off dating which Kenny immediately turns down.
He now has more quick flings racked up then Kyle and just kills himself to get rid of any STDs he gets during his little "escapades" as he calls them. That's one way to use his immortality I guess.
You'd think we'd all break down crying at some point but we ended up just laughing our asses off at the sheer absurdity of everything in this fucking town. We all came closer as a group that night. Well, everyone except Damien. He was just along for the ride and he ended up confessing that he once offered Wendy the chance to become a literal succubus. It was after the season 1 episode 'Tom's Rhinoplasty' where she shot her new substitute teacher Stan was crushing on into the sun.
(A/N: No, the Damien bit definitely isn't canon in the show. I just thought the concept itself was funny after rewatching most of Season 1.)
Did I mention that the substitute was lesbian? Wendy herself would have had a better chance getting together with her and I don't think that teacher was into kids like that one Ike hooked up with in season 10's 'Miss Teacher Bangs a Boy'.
I'll give her a pass on that since she along with the other kids didn't know what a lesbian was but that doesn't change how she still went full yandere mode on her ass.
According to Damien, she seriously considered it so she could ensure Stan stayed hers but turned it down in the end as she wanted to stay human. I almost forgot how she was a little yandere at the beginning of the show.
Hopefully, she never finds out about the part I played in Craig and Tweek's yuri revenge scheme. I've become pretty strong over the years since I've gotten here but I can't survive a dip in the sun just yet.
Chritsmas day came around with presents and hangovers for all. Kinda reminds me of college. That reminds me, I wonder if we're ever gonna start aging? I mean, it happened in the Post Covid specials but not in season 25. I wonder how that's gonna work?
Turns out Timmy can get rid of headaches from hangovers with his mental powers which helped the rest of us a ton and Christmas doubled up on lifting our spirits. We ended up having a few more unexpected visitors throughout the day in the form of the Goths and Woodland Critters who wanted to see the son of Satan.
The critters kinda had everyone on edge for a while but they're actually kinda nice when they aren't sacrificing people or having blood orgies. They celebrate Christmas too and were willing to take a small break from that stuff.
The goths ended up smoking in Tolkien's backyard with Damien since Christmas is for posers according to them. Probably should have seen that coming.
I felt a lot better after the party was over because as sappy as this sounds, it got through to me just how many close friends I've gained since I came here and how much we care about each other. Also, Karen dressed up in a little elf costume handing me a present while calling me big brother melted my icy heart.
(("You feeling better now, Dovah?"))
"Yeah, I guess so. What, did you expect me to go goth or something? I'm not following in Stan's footsteps, Tim-Tim."
(("Well, you do tend to find yourself in a lot of trouble quite often."))
"We both know why that's the case. Don't be a dick, Timmy."
I look around to see Clyde and Jimmy covering Craig with ribbons, Kenny frantically telling Karen to stop petting the Woodland Critters, Damien and Tricia having a staring contest, and Timmy who is giving me his trademark dopey grin. I know this town can shit on me a lot, the ads were right about that, but there's plenty of good things here too and I don't have it nearly as bad as New Kid did in canon so that's a plus.
I really do enjoy my life here. I still don't forgive Freeman though. That guy has quite a bit to answer to. If he doesn't chicken out of showing up during Fractured but Whole, then he better prepare for that game's secret boss fight 'cause I am bringing the motherfucking smackdown to his taco shop the next time I enter it.
The ads are gone for good so I'm finally free to truly act as I wish. I have nothing holding me back from exploiting every crazy ass bit of this world for my benefit. Enjoy this victory while you can Damien, because I'll be far beyond you before you know it.