How to Survive South Park

By aDovahkean

44.6K 2K 2.5K

A top tier South Park: Stick of Truth speedrunner gets sent into that very game, and by extension, the world... More

A Brand New Reality
Game: Start
Butterflies and Busting Balls
Sticks and Stones Can't Hurt My Bones
Guard's Worst Nightmare
Two-Faced Shortcutting Traitor
A Little Problem Called Plot
Day 2
Catching Up and Crashing Down
May the Best Race (Elves) Win
The Dark Lord and His Sleep-Deprived Necromancer
The First Final Battle Part 1
The First Final Battle Part 2
The First Final Battle Part 4
Light at the Distorted Tunnel's End
Out of Order
Development
The World Better Prepare, For Now I am a Billionaire
Fun and Games
Dancing with the Devil
It's Just Good Business
Christmas Time is Once a Year
Putting the 'Danger' in Danger Deck
Demonic Spells for Dummies
A Happily Ever After Without Humanity
Black and Blue
The Reality of Things
The Yaoi Girls Have Spoken
Get it all Together
Ctrl Alt Del
Shutting Down
Christmas With the Satanists Part 1
Christmas With the Satanists Part 2
A Day in the Second Life of Dovah
Experiments
Dealing with Dark Lords
The Storm Before The Calm
Becoming a Member
Power NOT Beyond My Imagination
SOT Rematch - Dovahkiin vs Kenny
Who History is Written By
PHONE DESTROYER!
Who Ya Gonna Call?
Uno Reverso
The Fractured But Whole
A God Among Common Man
Rivals
Controlled Chaos Part 1
Controlled Chaos Part 2
Eyes, Ears, and Crutches Everywhere
Desperation
A Very Angry Guardian Angel
Demonic Dance Battle
Ignorant
Show's Over
April Fools - Imaginationland Edition
Campfire Songs, Sharks, and Space Aliens
How to Join Dovah's Stalker Club
Exorcisms For Dummies
Telepathic Titans
Undefeatable
A Few New Familiar Faces
So the Son of Satan and Some Priests are at a Birthday Party...
Anti-Tegridy
Animosity
Defenders of the Mountain
Nahkriin War Part 1 - Entropy
Nahkriin War Part 2 - Takedown
Nahkriin War Part 3 - Adaptation
Nahkriin War Part 4 - Buildup
Nahkriin War Part 5 - Counter
Nahkriin War Part 6 - Cheaters Always Prosper
Nahkriin War Finale - Membering
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Judge, Jury, and Executioner
A New Beginning
Bonus Chapter #1 - All Current Forms and Powers + Intermission
Changing the Future, Take 2
Letting it Out
Old Game, New Goal
You Call That Chaos?:
Growing a Pair
No Strings on Me
Game Over
Plan B
Evolution
UFAs
Law and Order
Tenorman's Revenge Part 1 - The True Time Child
Tenorman's Revenge Part 2 - Dirty Business
Tenorman's Revenge Part 3 - Re-Emergence and Revenge
Tenorman's Revenge Part 4 - Hello Darkness, My Old Friend
Tenorman's Revenge Finale - Operation Brobot
Game Night
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 1 - The Many Cuts of Truth
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 2 - The Summon-Cyclopedia
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 3 - Disappointing Deep Ones
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 4 - May the Best Race (Humans) Win
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 5 - CUT! SKIP! F#^K THIS S%(T!!!
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 6 - Hail to the King
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 7 - What Lies Below
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 8 - Night of the Living German Dead
Alternate Stick of Truth Part 9 - For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls
Alternate Stick of Truth Finale - Bonus Unlocked: Day 4
Bonus Chapter #2 - Story Arcs, Behind the Scenes, and Future Plans
Stalked by an Angel
Angelic Monarch
A New Kind of Game
A Match Made in Hell
Planetary Power
Gotta Catch Em' All
Dragons and Douchebags
Multiverse Theory Is Still a Female Dog
The Right Tools for the Job
Answering The Call
P.T.K.T. (Planet Trapper Keeper Tycoon)
Mind in the Program
The Final Nail Part 1
The Final Nail Part 2
A New Lease on Life
Stepping Into Godhood
Blood on My Name
All's Not Well That Ends Not Well
Plans, Preparations, and Pac-man
Red Dead Deception
Coming Full Circle
A Distorted Tale's End
Dark Arc Epilogue - All For Two
South Park 64 Part 1 - Feathered F%#kers
South Park 64 Part 2 - Originals Rule, Copies Drool
The Trio of Terrors
South Park 64 Part 3 - Cloning and Cheesing
South Park 64 Part 4 - Monsters of Mass Destruction
South Park 64 Part 5 - Mind Games
South Park 64 Part 6 - Metal Madness
South Park 64 Finale - C̵͓̆a̶̹͌l̴̘͗ả̸̖m̶͉̎i̸̡͘t̵͎̿y̷̬͑
Phone Destroyer vs Power Leveler
For A Better Future
Morgan Freeman Explains... Time Patrol and The Crossover Wars
Lovely Lovely Loopholes
Realms and Realizations
Deleted and Devoured
Ascension
The Fake's Finale
And The Transcendent's Return
Overkill, Or Just The Right Amount Of Kill?
Battle of Gods - Round 2
Red Herring
The Story of New Kid - Soldier, Poet, King, and Dragonborn
Dovahkiin vs Dovah
The Man Behind The Mastermind
Ready, Set, LARP!
The End of an Era Part 1
The End of an Era Part 2
A Better Way...
Past vs Future
Bonus Chapter #3 - End of and Post HTSSP
Insight, Hindsight, and Foresight Part 1
Insight, Hindsight, and Foresight Part 2
Sibling Wars Part 1 - Little Posers
Sibling Wars Part 2 - Screw You, Cthulhu
Sibling Wars Part 3 - Nooooo, Canadaaaaa
Sibling Wars Part 4 - La Resistance at Last!
Sibling Wars Part 5 - Worldbuilding and War Games
A Complete, Powerful Picture
Sibling Wars Part 6 - Weeping Angel
Sibling Wars Part 7 - Family Dynamic
Sibling Wars Part 8 - Alternate Ending
Sibling Wars Part 9 - Remember Membering?
Sibling Wars Finale - Twilight of Gods
Sibling Wars - Aftermath
Side by Side
Date to a Dungeon Dive
Getting With The Program
Family Fun and Snowy Games
Alternate Snow Day Part 1 - Should've Seen it Coming
Alternate Snow Day Part 2 - Layers Upon Layers
Alternate Snow Day Part 3 - To Danse With DLCs
Alternate Snow Day Part 4 - Full Speed Ahead
Alternate Snow Day Part 5 - The Power of Love and Pranks
Boogeymen Brawl
Alternate Snow Day Part 6 - Leaders Old and New
Alternate Snow Day Part 7 - The Fallen
Alternate Snow Day Part 8 - Retaliation
Alternate Snow Day Part 9 - It Hits the Fan
South Park Snow Day Finale - Enlightenment
End of the Road... Right?
The Final Game Part 1 - Dragon Difficulty
The Final Game Part 2 - Up and Coming
The Final Game Part 3 - Fighting for Freedom
The Final Game Part 4 - Stepping Stones
The Final Game Part 5 - Standing Strong
The Final Game Part 6 - One Last Level
Death to the Dark Angel
The Final Game Finale - Going Beyond
One Last Lesson
Epilogue

The First Final Battle Part 3

438 20 4
By aDovahkean

"Kenny?!?"

"Fuck! He's a nazi zombie now!"

The remaining survivors are staring at Kenny in horror as the undead princess glares at us. Stan is the first to snap out of it and charges at Kenny but his sword is blocked by a scythe summoned by the newest undead. He then spins around and roundhouse kicks Stan across the room, knocking him out cold.

"STAN!" Kyle runs over as Jimmy gets his horn out only for a bone hand to sprout out of the ground below and smash it to bits. Kenny then sends a wave of zombie vomit towards the bard, blasting him back.

Snapping out of shock myself, I immediately prepare a dragon shout to end Kenny but a bone hand comes out from the ground, punching me right in the ass which sends me flying. I crash through the roof of the throne room and land in the shop between it and the balcony.


"Welcome weary adventurer! Can I interest you in some of my wares?"

"*cough cough* Kind of busy at the moment, ugh, fuck that hurts! How did he even get infected? Did the vial of goo break when he fell off the ledge?... Well? Care to explain?"

"Ummmm..."

"WELL? I'M WAITING, FREEMAN! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SHOW UP NOW AND EXPLAIN SHIT LIKE WHAT HAPPENED WITH KENNY AND WHAT I'M DOING HERE! YOU WANT MORE FRECKLES OR NOT?!?"

Despite my shouting, Freeman never comes which pisses me off to no end since I want to know why the hell he sent me here to begin with. I hear some screams coming from the throne room and decide to just track him down later since I have an undead princess to put down.

Kenny walks out of the throne room's exit and heads towards me as I turn around and fart right at his balls. Or at least try to.

'Ummm, what? Why is nothing coming out?'

I continue trying despite my ass hurting like hell but nothing's coming out.

'What the fuck? Did that last hit fracture my butthole or something?... Oh. Oh shit.'


I then realize just what I'm up against. This isn't just a Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny with Netherborn powers, this is a Kenny who was told his one weakness by yours truly. He knows how this game is supposed to end and now he's hellbent on ensuring that doesn't happen at all costs.


I immediately use a dire shroud on myself and then dark whisper to grab the case of weapons by the shop to fling them at Kenny which ends up impaling him all over his body. He falls over only to get back up a few seconds later and sends me back with a rainbow beam attack, breaking dire shroud in the process.

I land on the balcony where the fight with him in canon took place and use dire shroud again, trying to heal the fracture ASAP but another bone hand is made below me which sends me flying up only for Kenny to kick me back down.

He then charges at me, giving me no space to breathe as I get beat up left, right, and center.

'Fuck, this isn't good. He is way above me in terms of skill and the goo made him more powerful than ever. His immortality is also cranked up to 11 from the transformation. I never thought I would have to deal with this after getting Kenny to my side. How could I have been so stupid?! If I lose here, forget South Park, the entire world is fucked!'

Enough is enough. I go all out and power up into Grim Fate, pushing Kenny back with a barrage of punches and kicks coated in light blue flames before blasting him back with a soul slash only for him to respond in kind with his aura turning a lighter shade of green and his power skyrocketing as screams echo around him.

I'm back on the defensive as Grim Fate empowered Netherborn Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny is relentless with his attacks. My necromancer costume is torn apart and the SWAT gear is getting slowly chipped away from his princess, nazi zombie, and netherborn attacks.

'A Japanese Princess, a Netherborn, an Immortal, a Combat Expert, an Undead. All these things combined are what Kenny is right now. Never thought I would miss the days of him just being a poor pervert.'

Y'know, I always saw Kenny as the true main protagonist of South Park. My reason for that opinion is not because of screen time but the fact that he showed the most growth and depth while the other members of Team Stan basically went around in circles personality wise.

It looks like I was right in the end. Sucks that this is what I get because of it.

Kenny pulls me in with a dark whisper before punching me right in the face. He then launches multiple rainbow attacks at me which I barely avoid by boosting up using a bone hand. I land on the other side of the arena and almost get my head cut off from the swipe of a scythe that's not covered in flames.


Nazi Zombie Death is right behind me so I quickly jump away and blast him point blank like Butters does in canon. I then see a swarm of rats start to appear, blocking my escape path and Kenny launching towards me with a soul slash. I summon multiple bone hands to punch him and his scythe with and the resulting collision generates a massive explosion sending Kenny and I flying back in opposite directions.

I latch on to the roof of the weapons shop and catch my breath while casting dire shroud on myself. I have long since powered out of grim fate due to lack of energy yet Kenny is still somehow maintaining it despite the high energy cost.

'I was lucky I could retreat right on time so the damage wasn't severe.'

I then see Kenny use a bone hand of his own to leap towards me. I tense up but then smirk as I come to a realization.

'And he can't evade my attacks in mid-air! Take this!'

I launch a massive blast of fire at Kenny which... he goes around? How did he just barrel roll out of the way like that?

'How the hell...' I look up and pale as the moonlight reflects off Kenny's back while he looks down at me like a God delivering judgment to a pitiful mortal.

'HE CAN FLY?!?' Didn't he fail miserably with that while going around Japan during the Black Friday war in season 17? How can he do it now?

Kenny begins charging a blast of his own to throw down onto me. His rainbow attack is combined with soul slash while grim fate is still active. Rainbow Slash?

'Making the flames physical, the power to fly, maintaining grim fate, and combining various powers. Was he hiding all these abilities from me? Or did they come with the Nazi Zombie transformation? Is there any way to beat him as he is now?'


Several blasts of fire and lightning fly past me and hit Kenny dead on, flinging him back. Cartman, Butters, and the others exit the throne room and start running towards the downed princess.

"Come on New Kid, we need your help! I doubt that alone was enough to take him down for good!" Stan shouts and I hop down and head back up to the balcony with them.

Jimmy begins playing a song on his flute to distract the rats as the rest of us rush past him. When we reach the arena, over a dozen bone hands are waiting for us with Kenny. They begin firing blasts of their own with Kenny shooting out zombie vomit himself.

'Oh come on! How many more new attacks does he have?!?' We all begin dodging as much as we can but everyone gets hit several times by the time the volley of blasts and vomit ends. Things aren't looking too good right now since we're all worn down from the constant battles over the last few hours.

During this onslaught, the zombie slashes through his own neck with a flame scythe and comes back seconds later, fully revitalized.


'So that's how he's keeping up grim fate and spending so much energy no problem. Reviving doesn't just get his health back to full, but his stamina too! That's way too damn overpowered!'

He's been killing himself throughout this battle whenever he has an opening to restock on health and stamina. I know Kenny's shown to be smarter as an undead then the other zombies but this level of strategy for a nazi zombie is just ridiculous.

"Destroy those hands! I'll distract Kenny!" My fracture is finally fixed enough to use the lesser Stick of Truth fart powers as I use a bone hand to launch myself above Kenny and send a dragon shout right on him which he blocks with his arms.

'It didn't work!? Fucking how? Shit, it has to hit his balls. Damnit, I'll have to stop time to get a clean shot but Kenny isn't giving me any more time to recover. If I leave the others to distract him, they'll be slaughtered in seconds!'

I continue to do my best against Kenny but even when I go entirely on the defensive, I still can't get any healing in before Kenny destroys the dire shroud and damage is building up again even faster then before. I finally get a clean hit in with a bone hand but my joy doesn't last long.

"SUMMONING!" Kenny shouts in a distorted German accent as the most awesome looking unicorn I've ever seen rises from a mountain of green flames. It has light black skin everywhere except the head which is a skeleton and has light green hooves and stripes on top. A cyan colored flame erupts from both the top of the unicorn down to its tail and its hooves as the front half of its horn on its forehead glows bright green.

The unicorn abomination neighs and charges forward with me barely dodging by using a bone hand to propel myself out of the way. It crashes into the top of Clyde's fortress, completely destroying it along with the tree that was holding that part up.

I look on in shock as Kenny uses this opportunity to throw some vials of goo at me which end up missing pretty badly. At least there's something he isn't good at besides staying alive when I fucking need him to. I turn back around and summon another ghastly grasp but Kenny crashes through the bone hands no problem and continues to pummel me.

I hear blasts, clashes, and screams around me but I have no time to help the others as Kenny isn't giving me any leeway. The undead unicorn then comes back for seconds with me getting knocked to the ground, completely exhausted.

In one last attempt to win, I do a partial backwards summersault while summoning bone hands to knock the unicorn away and launch the biggest nagasaki I can at Kenny. The fart covers the portion of the arena Kenny was at with no part of him being uncovered.


I sigh in relief... only to get impaled through the back by the sword of a now Nazi-Zombified Stan.

Continue Reading

You'll Also Like

2.7K 181 38
All the stars above, yet I still couldn't look away from you're starry eyed gaze. It was summer in South Park. I met this boy at the bridge I used to...
22K 564 25
Hello!! I got bored and decided to create a Wattpad account for shits and giggles. This is my first story and it is in no way meant to be taken serio...
6.2K 357 26
The South Park kids are sent to a summer camp that is supposed to be the 'experience of a lifetime'. Technically, yes it is. Just not in a good way...
981 54 31
𝙼𝚢 𝚠𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝚒𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚎𝚗 𝚢𝚘𝚞'𝚛𝚎 𝚗𝚘𝚝 𝚗𝚎𝚊𝚛 𝙲𝚊𝚞𝚜𝚎 𝙸 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎 𝚝𝚑𝚊𝚗 𝙸 𝚌𝚘𝚞𝚕𝚍 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚖𝚢𝚜𝚎𝚕...