When I wake up, I immediately notice something wet and cold on my forehead. I quickly jolted up only to see Craig in front of me, holding a thermos.
"Drink this and keep the cold towel on, it helps calm Tweek down and lessens fevers so it should work fine with you. Either your powers, lack of sleep, or overexertion is making your body burn up. My guess is all three."
"Uuuuugh, wha... what happened? How long have I been out for?"
"A few hours. Wizard Fatass and his band of merry men just entered the fortress. The zombies caused them more of a problem as time went on due to them turning Zaron's army against themselves. Never tell Clyde I said he was right or he won't let me hear the end of it."
I give a smirk at this.
"Don't worry, your slip up is safe with me. Thanks, Craig."
"You can thank me by curing the zombies and ending this shitshow. You and Kenny know how to, right? Why else would you tell him to willingly infect you if you died?" He holds the vial I gave him in my face while confronting me.
"Ok yeah, I know how to cure them. Long story short, I have to break the "gentleman's oath" and fart on Kenny's balls. Weird but I know much weirder stuff has happened here."
"And yet you still chose to hang out with them? Trust me, Stan and his group bring everyone nothing but trouble. I once got stranded in Peru during a giant guinea pig apocalypse thanks to them. You shouldn't throw your life away for people like them."
"I know." I sigh to the flipper-offer. "But I kind of had to play their game to save everyone. It's complicated but I'm trying to stop shit from spiraling out of control and yes, I know that the current situation is the definition of that but there wasn't much I could do to stop it. Believe me, I don't want any part of their crazy adventures. I want to stop it to save everyone else, but sometimes, it just can't be stopped."
I explain this to Craig as I lay down and drink the medicine. He has a look of genuine concern on his face which I really wasn't expecting to give someone he only met a few days ago. Someone like Tweek I can understand but me?
"Look, I know you mean well, Dovahkiin. This town is crazy, plain and simple. Everyone here has their own little quirks and can be total idiots sometimes. I should know, I've had to look after four of said idiots for years now and you're making it five. Despite the mood swings, bullshit powers, and unhealthy obsession for fighting, you're a pretty cool guy to hang out with, which is why I would prefer it if you didn't throw your life away here from overexertion."
'Wow, and here I thought Tolkien would be the mom of the group. I really wish Team Craig got more screen time so I could've seen stuff like this. I'm glad he looks out for more than just Tweek and Stripe here.'
"Thanks Craig, that really means a lot. I know I've been pushing myself way too much lately and I intend to end most if not all of this crap tonight. All that's left is getting Cartman off my back and ending this stupid apocalypse with Kenny."
I slowly get up and while I'm still tired, I feel a lot better than I did before.
"The hero's party should be here soon. I plan on making Cartman shit himself in sheer terror but I'll need your help to hold off the others. Once that's done, I have one more quick thing to do with Kenny and this nightmare will be over. You mind helping me out?"
Craig groans at this but eventually agrees since he isn't a big fan of Cartman either so he agreed to give me a hand.
"Here's one more piece of advice, don't let them rope you into this stuff in the future. I still beat myself over accepting those assholes' Peruvian sales pitch."
"Got it, now let's go be the greatest minibosses ever."
"Whatever Clyde 2.0"
"Please don't call me that."
"Then don't act like him."
I make sure to have Craig pull the NZ cows up ahead of time so the others are distracted for longer and eventually, all the New Kid's buddies in canon show up so Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Jimmy, Butters, and Kenny.
Craig and I are on the second floor of the room with our backs turned to them. Craig then starts up the pre-fight dialogue.
"Ha ha! You're trapped! The Dark Lord's strongest warriors will destroy you here and now!"
"The only way you'll be meeting our lord is by becoming part of his army of undead!"
"Like we're scared of you buttholes!" Cartman bellows.
"Oh you should be scared, for now you're up against the Dark Lord's Necromancer, Chief Assassin, and some COWS!"
Craig and I unleash the cows and jump down to begin the brawl. The cows charge in while Craig summons some clones to keep the fighters busy.
Kyle is the first to get through the onslaught as he sets his sights on Craig.
"You think you're tough? I grew up in the forest! It makes me a total badass."
"More like a total hippie!" Cartman retorts as he breaks through himself.
"Wow, even now you can't stop ripping on him. How did you even become a king in the first place without anyone who respects you?" I walked over to Cartman prepared to end things with him.
"Shut it, traitor! You and your buttfucking dark whatevers will serve as the perfect example for anyone who dares to question my authoritah! No sneak attacks this time, Douchebag!"
"Like I need sneak attacks to destroy a little fat man like you." Cartman gives me a death glare after my retort. Looks like I'm in Tenorman territory now. If I don't pull this off, then my parents are probably gonna be grounded up into chili before the night is over.
"I'm no mere man." Cartman states darkly and with that, the battle starts. Cartman charges forward with his staff as I pull out a black scepter Clyde got me and block him. I've mostly stuck to swords until now but I have to say, a scepter may be my new favorite type of weapon to use. We traded blows for a while and while he is decently skilled, most of the Mongolians I fought were better and his punches lacked any real power.
Two cows are down and the others are beginning to gang up on Craig except for Butters who begins to head towards me. Time to end this.
I'm personally a big fan of horror movies so I know a thing or two about scaring people along with how to survive if a psycho killer attacks me if I'm at a summer camp. The answer to the latter is to have a loaded gun on you and actually use it. Bad news for you, Nathan. If Mimsy doesn't take you down first, I will. The answer to the former is this.
"HA, NOT SO TOUCH WITHOUT AN ARMY, ARE YOU DOUCHEBAG?! IT'S OVER!"
"Don't. Be. So. Certain."
I send out a wave of flames pushing him and Butters back and then use two bone hands to restrain Butters.
"No more games, Cartman. No more fights or roleplaying. It's about time you learned just who you tried going up against." I power up into Grim Fate, making sure to slow it down to display the transformation into what looks like death itself. Screams echo through the hall around me as a wave of coldness follows, making the room's occupants all have shivers down their spines.
I make sure that Cartman gets the full brunt of the chilled debuff as I start to slowly make my way towards him. He tosses a magic missile at me only for me to slap it away. A look of panic appears on his face as he starts to swear up a literal storm while turning around to point his ass at me.
'A combo lightning fire fart attack? Too bad that isn't enough. His specialty isn't combat, never was. He can do more damage with words then he could ever do with weapons.'
"Futile." I cast dire shroud on myself as Cartman launches his combined attack at me only for me to pull a Broly and walk right through it. I can tell Cartman is really starting to panic as I get closer and closer to him. Time to seal the deal.
I launch a blast of fire of my own which negates Cartman's attack and sends him and most of the others in the room flying. Cartman hits the wall, bloodied and beaten as I stand over him.
"You're right, you're not a man." I summon a bone hand to grab his neck and begin to choke the life out of him.
"You're a pig! Let me hear you squeal!"
I summon flames around my hand which is right in front of Cartman's face as he's looking at me like I'm the devil himself while feeling like he's being roasted alive. Well, maybe not the devil since Satan is a pretty nice guy here but he is giving me a look of pure fear while I have a sadistic grin on my face.
After around 10 seconds of this, a giant beam of lightning hits me on my side as I get sent flying back. Butters is in his Professor Chaos buff anime form which he soon powers down from and cautiously looks at me to make sure I'm down for the count.
'So he can do that too? No wonder that blast hurt despite me using Grim Fate just then. Well, that should have hopefully been enough. I'll just pretend to be unconscious for now and meet up with Kenny later.
Speaking of, I made sure to stop time during the fight and put a bag of gnome dust in Kenny's pocket so he can deal with the snuke. Craig saw some government guys bringing in a tied up Mr. Slave like an hour ago so I guess that went on as per normal.
Luckily for me, Cartman just so happens to also know how to give abortions as he even tried to deal with the snuke in Mr. Slave in the canon story before Kyle stopped him. The issue in canon was he couldn't get really small but that issue is now taken care of with the gnome dust. I just hope that either he isn't broken enough to be unable to do it or someone else knows how to do it and can volunteer in his place.
Craig is knocked out a few seconds later and the heroes begin to advance as Stan and Kyle go over to Cartman to check on him. He says that he's fine but I can tell that he's still really shaken up.
As the heroes (and Cartman) head up to the next level, Cartman turns around to look at me one last time and I fully open my eyes while flashing the same sadistic smirk as before. Cartman yelps a bit and rushes into the next room as I go back to playing dead.
I eventually get up after a few minutes and use a dire shroud to fix Craig up.
"Fuck dude, you weren't kidding when you said you were gonna scare him shitless. I wish I did that when I first met him so he would leave me the fuck alone."
"Well if I'm gonna be staying here, I don't want to have to constantly deal with his bullshit."
"If I could scare Cartman half to death like that, I would be soooo happy."
"Well seeing me do it is better than nothing, right?"
I joke around with Craig for a few more minutes before heading up myself. As I'm going through the upper part of the fortress, I get a video from Kenny.
It first shows all the kids plus Randy and Mr. Slave trying to think of someone who can perform abortions and get really small. Then, Kenny walks over to Kyle and makes him hold the phone before going over to Cartman and throwing some gnome dust on him, turning him into a fat chibi.
Cartman starts freaking the hell out like anyone would in that situation would before being picked up by Kenny.
"EY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA YOU POOR PIECE OF CRAP?!"
"In you go, Cartman!" Kenny sings.
"WHAT!?! OH HELL NO, I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS CRAP! PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I'LL KICK YOU I-AAAAAAAHHHHH!?!?!!" I think you can guess what happens next. I then get another text.
TTTTT: (The Time Travel Trio Text)
(Kenny wanted there to be as many T's as possible for some reason. Since when did he give a rat's ass about alliteration?)
NetherBadass: Am I awesome or am I awesome? Also I'm pretty sure you traumatized Butters again alongside fatass
TimeChild: Hey I made sure he wouldn't interfere! Would you prefer me knocking him out next time?
NetherBadass: Yes
TimeChild: I was being sarcastic ass. Also you do realize that you put the fate of the world in the hands of someone who would totally screw us all over out of spite right?
NetherBadass: Didn't you want me to have Cartman do this part?
TimeChild: ........Well it's been nice knowing you Ken. See you on the other side at least for a bit before you respawn
Doctor Timxavier: How you didn't account for this even boggles my giant brain.
TimeChild: 🖕
I make my way up to where the others are and make sure to stay out of sight for now. I'll jump in when Clyde has been defeated. Luckily for us and everyone else in South Park, Cartman manages to pull it off after a few minutes and starts bragging about his "kickass new crown" he got and Kenny is sure to congratulate him on getting the Crown of Anal Pleasure.
That shuts him up and gets a few laughs out of the others and they then make their way to Clyde.
'Looks like things are somewhat lining up with canon. Unfortunately, I don't know if Eyepatch McBadguy will crash the party like in canon. Worst case scenario, I have Timmy deal with them while Kenny and I get rid of the zombies.'
The group gets to Clyde who surprisingly does a lot more than he did in canon with a few Nazi-Zombified dire animals backing the zombified Chef up and Clyde himself engaging the heroes while dual-wielding a dark red spear and the Stick of Truth. Looks like I encouraged him to put some effort into his last stand this time around instead of being a throne potato.
It's a pretty close fight but the zombies are eventually killed again and Clyde is ultimately cornered by Cartman, Stan, and Kenny and Spartan kicked off his own tower by Cartman like in canon. It's a shame I can't become king this time around but the town never really plays Stick of Truth after this and the bit at the start of Fractured but Whole so it doesn't really matter.
Everyone begins to celebrate only for the U.S. government to ruin it by reenacting the 'FBI OPEN UP' meme. Soldiers come in from everywhere and some fire their guns around with one guy filling Kenny up with bullets that knock him off the edge of the fortress like Clyde.
"*GASP* OH MY GOD! THEY KILLED KENNY!"
"YOU BASTARDS!"
'God DAMNIT! Why did his constant death immortality curse have to kick in now of all times?'
This doesn't happen in canon but I suppose most of this battle has diverged from canon already. I'll have to go get him before he respawns so I don't risk the zombies spreading past town but first... these assholes.
"DRAGONBORN ISN'T SECURE, I REPEAT DRAGONBORN IS NOT SECURE! HE ISN'T HERE!"
"Th- Dragonborn? What the- who what?"
"They're talking about me, dumbass."
I make myself known as the others jump back in surprise. I walk past the now huddled up group of survivors and towards the old fatso who just picked up the stick.
"So it really IS the Dragonborn... Just can't stop being a-"
"Thorn in our side blah blah blah. You're the one constantly getting in my way, Eyepatch."
"He has the Stick of Truth!"
"How does this guy know you, Dovahkiin?" Kyle inquires.
"So you told them the truth about your name, Dovahkiin? Do they know what's so special about you as well? Why we have been trying to find you?"
"His necromancer powers?"
"His farts?"
"Nope, dumber than that."
"...Is he an alien or something?"
"Getting colder."
"Look, we can do this guessing game later. That stick belongs with the fighters of Zaron. Give it back!"
"Fighters of Zaron? Boys, what's going on here is much more blah blah blah blah blah blah-" uuuUUUUUGGGGHHHHhhh!
He starts going on his bad guy rant which I honestly couldn't care less about but as I'm about to deal with him, a small green glow grabs my attention. A bone hand coated in a green aura is slowly rising up behind him.
"Dovahkiin, what are you doing?" Stan whispers.
"That... isn't me."
The bone hand grabs the government boss guy's head and pops it like a grape. A green ball of flames then goes off behind us, sending me and the other fighters of Zaron all across the throne room.
Hundreds of bullets are shot at where we once were and I look up to see multiple giant scythes made of green flames going around, cutting the soldiers to pieces.
'Is that soul slash? But it's not supposed to cause physical damage. And since when are Netherborn attacks green? The only colors those attacks can be are purple, dark blue, and light blue. What, can fire become zombified now or... oh... ohhh noooooo. Don't tell me...'
A rainbow beam shoots across the throne room impaling the face of the last surviving soldier. I look over to where the beam came from only to have my blood run cold.
Standing there, coated in green flames and holding the Stick of Truth, is Nazi Zombie Princess Kenny.