I'm currently at Raisins where Clyde is arguing with the bouncer that he doesn't have to pay since he has the Stick of Truth and therefore controls the universe. The bouncer isn't having any of it and I quickly slip away while Clyde keeps the entire restaurant's attention on him.
Clyde wanted to have both a celebration for one-upping the humans and elves and a strategy meeting to squash any resistance with Craig and I and where better to do that than his favorite children's edition titty bar?
I barely make it into the bathroom before the bouncer gets physical with Clyde and Craig and I begin to contemplate just how everything went to shit so fast since things seemed to be going pretty well last time I checked. That was yesterday when the grand wizard of Kupa Keep got defeated by a leaf blower.
Cut to last night after I had an awkward goodbye with my now enemies and secret partner. I rondevu with Kenny who already texted Timmy to meet up with us.
"Are you fucking kidding me right now? I only wanted Clyde to NOT hate me, not have me join his fucking club of darkness! One order using that stupid twig and all our plans just went down the shitter! How do I recruit the girls to the alliance when I'm supposed to be their fucking enemy?"
Kenny gets me to calm down and Timmy arrives a few minutes later. The original plan was to have Kenny and Timmy raid the spaceship tonight while I do the canon day three stuff with a few shortcuts littered throughout but now I'm stuck on the villain's team.
(("I don't understand, Dovahkiin. Can you not just ignore Clyde and stay with the alliance? Clyde is technically cheating in this game after all."))
(A/N: double parentheses + quotations = Timmy talking telepathically)
"I could but I want to be friends with Craig and his group after this is all said and done so ignoring Clyde will get rid of any friendship I built up with him over the last few days. I want to focus on the big picture here and no offense Kenny, but I'm not going anywhere near your friend group. I still want to be close friends with you when this is over if that's fine with you."
"What's so bad about Stan and the others?"
"Well...
1. Your group gets involved in crazy, life threatening situations all the time that I want no part of. (unless it's to stop them from happening in the first place like what we're trying and failing miserably to do here)
2. Stan tends to be a self centered asshole.
3. Kyle tends to be a know it all asshole.
4-100. Various things about Eric Cartman.
I would go into more detail but we're on the clock here."
(("He has a point, Kenny. Those guys are kind of douchebags."))
"I see where you're coming from but they're not that bad. Well, Cartman is but not the other two. Anyway, as for tomorrow, I guess I can take care of the recruiting in Dovah's place."
"If you're gonna do that, I would suggest teaming up with a few extra factions. From what I know, the New Kid basically carries the alliance during the final battle like he did in the school. Not only do you not have me, I'm even fighting against you guys!"
"Oh don't worry. I have quite a few groups in mind that could help fill the hole you're leaving behind. Recruiting them won't be any issue for me. Never underestimate the charms and persuasion of Princess Kenny-chan!"
Kenny strikes a pose while Timmy and I visibly cringe. We eventually decide to have Kenny and I swap our roles to an extent so I'm gonna help Timmy raid the spaceship and then do whatever Clyde wants tomorrow while giving my partners updates throughout the day and Kenny will focus on recruiting and rallying the troops on the hero's side. Of course, I have to first make a quick detour to my house to do two things.
First, I need to fool my parents into thinking I'm actually getting some sleep. If only. Second, I have to deal with the gnomes and by that I mean actually make a deal with them. There is no way in hell I'm starting a war with them and going through that terrifying sex scene brawl on my parents' bed. I've been traumatized enough here thank you very much.
I wait patiently for them to come into my room and offer them the location of the largest children's underpants in town in exchange for a few bags of their size altering gnome dust. Have fun going commando, Cartman!
I know it feels like I'm crapping on Cartman a lot but anyone who has seen the show knows that the fat fuck deserves a hundred fold if not more of what I've done to him in the last few days.
I then met up with Timmy at the crash site and spent nearly all night at the ship taking shit out while almost dying several times in the process from things like collapsing ship sections, alien security systems, goo leakages, and the occasional Nazi Zombie. With how dark and eerie it was, I felt like I was in a horror movie half the time. At least we ended up getting plenty out of it.
Guns, shields, turrets, armor, energy saber-esc weapons, and a bunch of other stuff were looted with Timmy's telekinesis and teleportation powers helping tremendously with recovery and transport. We decided to keep all the stuff at Timmy's house since he was confident he could hide it from his parents.
I decide not to touch the ship at the bottom of Stark's Pond for now in case all the space goo gets wiped out when I fart on Kenny later.
Speaking of, we also got plenty of samples of said space goo from the wreckage to study later since besides it turning organic life into Nazi Zombies, it's a fuel source used for space travel so it might come in handy later on.
The raid was a big success but Timmy and I were exhausted afterwards with the former overusing his powers all night and the latter only getting a few hours worth of sleep in the last two days. I was forced to go to Tweek's coffee again to load up since Clyde probably has some stuff for me to do before the final battle.
I don't know how I'm gonna make it through Fractured but Whole without dying from exhaustion at this point. How did the New Kid pull this off in canon? It's day three and I'm already about to fall into a coma. I have to stay up all night tonight too since that's how long the final war took in canon (sun was coming up when the stick was thrown into the lake) and I doubt that will change much now even with the lack of the final boss.
I also had a talk with Timmy about what's happened so far. I feel like I've been screwing up left and right since I got here and it's really been weighing on me lately, what with me almost dying and all. What if things change for the worse because of me? What if I end up screwing everyone over in the end?
I ask Timmy for some advice on how I should start thinking to avoid any more mistakes and he in turn asks me how many things that went wrong were actually mistakes and how many were errors. The reply confuses the fuck out of me and Timmy explains his point.
(("Do you know the difference between an error and a mistake, Dovah? Anyone can make an error Dovahkiin but that error doesn't become a mistake until you refuse to correct it. You know one future but your choices are making another. Things could happen that nobody would be able to predict if they were in your shoes. What's important is looking at what's happening now while using the original future as a reference point at most to avoid making as many slip ups as possible."))
What was his superhero description again? Something about limitless intellect trapped in a weak body? Looks like he wasn't bullshitting.
Timmy's speech is still on my mind as I hide in the bathroom. Is being an expert at speeches just an innate talent for all the kids here? I start to ponder the future some more while the Lord of Darkness gets his broke ass kicked.
'Ok, Clyde being defeated shouldn't be an issue as long as I hold back and have a very small part in the battle. Maybe I can hang out where Craig is and join his boss fight as his partner? I could also use this chance to get Cartman off my back for good.'
Cartman's POV:
*ACHOO* Is someone talking shit behind my back or am I getting sick now since I have nothing but a robe to protect my freezing ass.
"You mind, wizard fatass? Anyway, Clyde's fortress of darkness is over four stories tall. So far-"
"I SNEEZED, jew! Also, while the spotlight is on me, you mind telling me the fuckin' pervert that stole ALL MY FUCKING UNDERWEAR LAST NIGHT?!?"
"Dinklebeeeerrrrrrg." Kenny whispers and over half of these fuckers break down laughing.
"Someone stole your underwear? Then what are you wearing under that robe?"
"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING THINK?"
"AUGH, fucking gross, Cartman!"
"AAHH, IT'S THE GNOMES AGAIN! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" And now the spazz is going ballistic. Fucking wonderful.
"My lord! My lord!"
"Butters, I swear to fucking god, if-"
"I just got a message on Twi- I mean a carrier raven. The Lord of Darkness and his generals are having a secret meeting right now! We might be able to ambush them and get the stick back!" Finally, some good fucking news. That douchebag is gonna fucking pay for this.
Dovah's POV:
From what I've seen in the show, the only way to get Cartman off your back permanently (besides flat out killing him) is going the beyond scared straight route and making him truly fear you. That's a lot easier said than done.
It is definitely possible since several people have done it in the show like PC Principal and the Dog Whisperer. Wendy came pretty close too but she never sealed the deal. While I'm not sure if I can get Cartman off my back to the extent of the former two, I want to at least make him subconsciously afraid of me so he'll think twice before he tries to mess with or use me again.
Being forced to be the villain now actually helps me a lot with this since I'm supposed to be the bad guy so striking fear into the hearts of my enemies is kind of a given.
This will probably change the events of Fractured but Whole a ton too but I plan on stopping that before it starts like what the Freedom Pals tried to do during the end of the game when they time traveled to the past through New Kid, only this time, I won't let Cartman land a shot on my solar plexus.
And if things don't go like canon, well, at least his end game and allies should stay the same. That's enough to work with.
I have no intentions of playing any games with Cartman in this world, especially that game. In the canon TFBW, the bullying and bossing around most of the characters do to the New Kid is turned up to 11. Wendy/Call Girl is pretty much the only person who treats the New Kid like a person instead of an errand boy or punching bag. I won't be following in the mute's footsteps.
I'm hoping to just stop Cartman before he starts his main plan and then have Timmy and Kenny take the Freedom Pals around to deal with the various crime families while I finally catch up on some sleep.
Of course, things may not go according to plan and I may have to go through some of Fractured but Whole but at the very least, I'm joining Freedom Pals right off the bat. Sorry Coon and Fucks but I'm not dealing with your family problems or debt issues. Looking at you, Clyde.
Speaking of, I met up with him and Craig outside after they literally got their asses kicked out. Clyde orders me to heal him and Craig while rubbing the giant, foot-sized bruise on his ass and then take a large chunk of our forces to Canada to capture as many of the remaining dire animals as possible.
Clyde must've found out about my trip there yesterday and took an interest in the possibility of dire steeds for his dark warriors. With these new additions plus me on his team, the army of darkness is looking to be much stronger than in canon. Plus, there seem to be more Nazi Zombies appearing every hour who are actually obeying Clyde.
I know there were sections of his fortress with Nazi Zombies in canon, but seeing them actually taking orders from him in real life is pretty shocking. Now I kind of wish I had the stick with me last night. Some extra pairs of hands would have made the raid go much faster.
I send Kenny a text letting him know of Clyde's new additions and he doesn't respond. I guess he's busy recruiting. I wonder how the quest to get the girl's allegiance is going? I was planning to just bust through the abortion clinic's roof, grab the documents, and head out. I would then tell the girls to just use google translate to avoid the very unnecessary trip to Canada.
I get that there had to be some excuse for New Kid to go to Canada in game but come on, translating documents? Just use your phone and search up one of the hundreds of translation sites on Google or Safari or whatever. This isn't rocket science, ladies.
I spent a few hours in Canada decked out in my necromancer garb again as it seemed pretty appropriate considering whose side I'm now on. So much for not giving in to stereotypes. I'm also wearing the SWAT gear underneath my costume and the Tactical Gloves since the extra protection helped out a lot yesterday when fighting the dire animals and it wouldn't hurt to have it on me just in case.
Most of the animals know me at this point and about half of the ones we came across didn't even put up a fight, which I'm really thankful for since even with the drugged coffee, I feel like I'm about to drop dead.
The army of dark warriors I had also helped out a ton by doing most of the work for me and we ended up getting dire mounts for dozens of them ranging from bears to wolves to spiders. The snakes can't really be ridden but a few kids manage to take a snake or two that they wrapped around their arms or necks as animal partners.
The kids had no issues taking orders from me once some of my feats started spreading. The animals weren't dumb enough to try pissing me off either after I put that pepper spray I got from Tolkien's security guard to good use. I'm too tired for this shit.
We got a lot more firepower than the army of darkness in canon because this plus the extra zombies Clyde has stationed in or near his fortress is making his forces undergo a giant leap in both quality and quantity.
I text Kenny several more times telling him to recruit anyone he can and to consider going all out during this fight and he just sends one text back that says to never underestimate Princess Kenny-chan. I really hope that kid knows what he's doing or I'll be forced to betray Clyde and take the stick myself.
Kenny's POV:
"Ok you guyz, the carrier raven said that asshole Clyde is having a secret meeting here. We'll kill his ass, take back the stick, and tear down his fortress later as planned." Cartman announces.
Him, Kyle, Stan, me, and a bunch of other humans and elves are in front of a dark blue house right now, about to ambush Clyde and Dovah or so Cartman thinks. They are actually meeting at Raisins right now, Dovah just wanted to troll Cartman again.
"Ok guys, who needs weapons?" Stan asks. "I've got two daggers, a spare baseball bat, a baton, three paddles, and-"
"And a partriiiidge in a pear treeeeee!"
"Shut up, Kenny!" Cartman barks while most of the other guys laugh. Don't be such a buzzkill Cartman, someone's gotta cover for Jimmy. Besides, we're supposed to have fun while playing games, remember? That's kind of the point here.
We all calm down after a bit and are ready to go as Cartman opens the door.
'House number 1018... why does that sound so familiar?' Oh.
"MPH, MPPHF, MFFHPH, MFPHFM, MPHFPH, MMM? MMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!" So that was a guy fucking a horse who just screamed and slammed the door on our faces.
I bust out laughing while the other just stand there silently trying to process what the fuck they just saw.
"...I'm not playing anymore." One elf says as he walks off.
"LIKE HELL YOU AREN'T!" Cartman screams but the kid just ignores him. Good for you, kid.