I know I promised fluff but...I'm very sorry in advance.
"I'll be in denial for at least a little while," - TV, Billie Eilish
"Amber, I really think you need to speak to Daniel..." Lilly trails off cryptically at the other side of the line. Everything had been fine. I'd called her after leaving the local store, a tote bag filled with fruit juice, red wine, sweets and other goodies hooked over my arm. It's the first time we've had a chance to catch up for four days, the last contact we had being on Sunday afternoon and it's now Thursday afternoon. Daniel and I only had a day left in paradise before we headed to LA tomorrow night. 24 whole hours of perfection before reality hits (kind of) and we're back in the company of others. His family is joining us in LA along with Michael and a few friends, as much as I've been enjoying the last few days I'm excited to see everyone.
But the call was fine!
I told her about the flight, our hotel and our adventures around the sunny Greek island. I laughed explaining how yesterday we rented a quad bike to explore and ended up getting lost at sunset, Daniel climbing over random rocks and almost throwing himself down a steep path just to see the view at the end of it. I smiled when she told me about the photos both Lando and Lu had been posting of their trip. The smile was mostly because of the (reportedly) adorable pictures of my gorgeous niece that had been shared - I've been strategically avoiding social media to stop getting my feelings hurt. Everything was good.
Until the cautious question of 'how is Daniel doing?' Left Lilly's lips. I knew straight away something wasn't quite right. I know Lill too well to not read into it further. Her tone was too flat, question too concerned and more importantly she never asks about Daniel specifically unless she knows there's gossip.
"Why exactly do I need to speak to Daniel?" I repeat my earlier question my eyes narrowing behind Daniel's sunglasses (which I think I've now permanently claimed as my own).
"I-" lilly chokes on the other side of the line, static crackling through my ear as I pause in my place. Our suite is only about 100 metres away, I can see the stairs to it from where I'm stood. The tension over the phone has me frozen in place.
"Has he done something?" I ask quickly, my toe almost tapping on the white stone path below me as I look out to the blue ocean. The view from our room is better but I can't bring myself to go there until Lilly gives me some answers.
"No!" Lilly says quickly, some of my worries immediately dip away and a small wave of relief washes over me. "I don't think he'd do anything stupid to you even if he wanted to." Lill explains plainly, no hint of sarcasm or joking in her voice. I didn't think so either, but the tone of her voice made me so nervous and the fact she won't say...of course my mind to the worst place. "He's so in love with you it makes me feel a bit sick." Lilly mutters and I can almost picture her picking at her nails as she says the words, pulling a face and her brown eyes rolling hard in her head. I sigh at the secrecy of our conversation and she clears her throat awkwardly.
"I would maybe just go online for five minutes?" Lilly suggests, again her voice cautious and suggestive. I nod to myself at the rhetorical question, itching to end the call so I can do just that.
"Okay," I mumble cautiously, almost defeated into the speaker of the phone. We say our goodbyes fairly quickly after that. Lill makes me promise not to stress too much and I half heartedly agree.
As soon as the call ends I go to my Instagram, it's always been my social media of choice. I've barely glanced at the app in the whole time we've been here. I've barely even looked in the direction of my phone if it's not to snap a quick photo of Daniel or the breathtaking views of the island.
I've also been avoiding it to ignore the comments from people asking about myself and Daniel. As much as I want to show him off to the world and scream 'he's mine' I just don't think I'm quite ready for that yet. Lando doesn't deserve that either, considering his feelings on the whole situation either. People knew we were here, fans had asked Daniel for photos, things had been posted. It's no secret we're here together, I don't want it to be. I'm just choosing not to engage with any of it for now.
I huff again to myself as I scroll through the app, glancing at the photos my family's been posting. Smiling to myself when Mila's face appears for me to see and photos of everyone together. I chew on my lip going to my notifications and Lilly was right - a glance at my comments is all the online I need. I didn't need to go far to wonder what she was talking about at all.
-
"Daniel?" I call when I enter the villa. Daniel is exactly where I left him, head in his book, toe tapping to the quiet chilled music playing through the villa. His shoulder is tight, arm flexed as he uses it hold up his weight on the sun lounger. A plate of freshly cut watermelon is set beside him. He distractedly places a rind of a slice down on the plate. In any other situation when I didn't feel like my head was spinning with information I'd find the sight delicious.
Instead it just makes me feel more nauseous.
"Daniel?!" I repeat panicked. His eyes move slowly from the book to me an unsure expression on his face.
It does nothing to ease the panic in my chest.
"Why the hell have I got Instagram comments asking if you've found a new team yet?" I ask carefully, my words slower than they need to be. His face doesn't move an inch, his eyebrows don't even rise in surprise and there's no shadow of hurt on his features.
"You've had those all season." Daniel points out with a shrug dismissing my obvious panic. He turns his attention back to his book, lazily turning the page, his head bobbing absentmindedly to the best of the music playing.
"No but these are like...actually asking." I state, watching him cautiously, my heart echoing through me with panic. I don't know how he knows I've had them all season, it's not something we've ever discussed. Daniel just shrugs again and my eyes narrow at the casual reaction. It's quiet apart from the blow of the breeze between us and the swishing of water from our pool. "Okay?" I continue, pausing to approach him cautiously and clear my throat. "Then why did Lilly very cautiously ask me if 'you're doing okay'?" I continue, making quotations with my finger around the words.
Daniel doesn't react, he hasn't even given me his full attention, his eyes are on the book infront of him but they no longer move over the page. They're frozen in one singular spot. "And why do I have texts from Mum and Oliver asking how you're dealing with 'the news'?" With the mention of the familiar names Daniel stills in his place, wincing a little, finally closing his book with a short snap and taking his sunglasses from his eyes.
"What the hell is going on?!" I snap a little louder than I mean to. I wince at the slight echo of the words, but my attention is too focused on him to care fully. I hate not knowing the whole story. The frustration of being kept out of the loop is getting to me, everyone on the planet clearly knows something about my boyfriend that I don't and I'd really like to know the full story.
"It's not a big deal." Daniel says certainly. From the small waver of his voice and the determined look in his eyes I know it's about to be a huge deal. I take a deep steadying breath, letting my hand rest on the painted white wall at my side for support as I itch for more details. My mind races through every single possible scenario as Daniel carefully thinks over his next words. My heart is beating hard and fast in my chest as I skim through over a million anxiety inducing situations each of them worse than the last.
"Daniel..." I repeat his name warning when he doesn't continue his words leaving me hanging here helplessly. Spiralling.
He just runs a heavy hand down his face, pausing at his nose to pinch the skin there, face scrunching up as if in pain. He clears his throat, once...twice...three times. Then drops his hand from his face and looks to me with those brown eyes I love so much, every emotion I know hidden behind them. "After the race on Sunday," he begins his eyes not quite meeting mine as he says the words, they're dancing on the white floor beside him. "I may have been told that Mclaren intend to replace me next season."
My eyes shoot wide open with the words and my mouth falls open in complete shock.
"What?!" The question is almost screeched. Dread filling every fibre of my being, there's no way...
"Relax." He urges a small, smooth smile making its way onto his face because of my open mouthed reaction. I see straight through it, the smile doesn't quite meet his eyes. They don't shine like they usually do and I'm beginning to wonder if I've been stupid enough to not notice that for the last few days he's been struggling with this. Taking on this news and keeping it to himself? That's a lot for anyone. Guilt is filling me. "It's fine." He tries to comfort, obviously seeing the shock on my face. I focus on brushing my fingers against the paint of the wall, focusing of the texture of it to ground myself. It's mostly to ensure that this isn't all some dream.
"Nothing about that is fine Daniel." I point out my voice a little hoarser and harsher than it was two minutes ago. Before I got slapped in the face with Daniel's revelation. My frustration isn't entirely aimed at him, I'm just shocked. I thought maybe someone had said something, not this. "They can't do that." I choke out with a defiant shake of my head.
Daniel shakes his head in response, his eyebrows raising as he says the words "Evidently they can." They're very matter of fact. My heart sinks further (as if it were possible).
"B-but w-" I run a hand along my head as words fail me. Confusion is too much.
"But it's going to be fine." He says the words slowly, quietly and my eyebrows furrow. I don't know if he's convincing me or himself.
"Are you okay?" My question is fast and Daniel thinks over the words for a beat.
"Not so much on Sunday, fine now." He explains slowly, looking to me almost nervously. He seems almost twitchy, uncomfortable with the situation, his eyes unable to linger on me for more than a few seconds. It's not how he usually is. It's making me feel more on edge.
"It's not because of..." I sigh heavily shaking my head with the potential question stopping the words from leaving my lips. Daniel reads me like a book. I wish I could read him well enough that I realised that he was upset about more than just a crappy race on Sunday. I feel so beyond guilty.
"No." The denial is certain. "It has nothing to do with you or us Ambs." I nod thankful for that confirmation. I hate that my first instinct was to make this about me (or us), but it was a question I needed answered. I'd never forgive myself if this whole things had anything to do with me. I'd go down to the MTC in Woking myself and swear never to attend a race again if it meant Daniel got to stay where he wanted. If that's what would be needed, I'd do it. In a heartbeat. Apparently, it's not the necessary call though. "It's all me, and a hell of a lot of politics." Daniel adds a small roll of his eyes as he swings his body up from the sun lounger he's been perched on, approaching me slowly.
"I don't really understand." I admit unsure. My mouth is left a little open still confused by everything that's come out between us in the last ten minutes. Thoughts crowd my mind, overwhelming me and making my head ache as I slip through each one of them.
"Neither do I." He returns, shoulders tense
"Why didn't you tell me?" I ask my words soft as he reaches my side. We're so close but not yet touching.
"I've been enjoying us. I kinda forgot. I didn't really feel like talking about it." Daniel lists his hand reaching for mine. My fingers interlock with his immediately, squeezing softly. I don't believe for a minute he's forgotten about news as huge as this, but I let his comment slide. With the job he's in, it would be so easy to become all consumed by the news. "You've been walking around half naked and it made me feel better." He finally lists, eyes mischievous as I nudge his shoulder with my free hand. A warning glare is thrown in his direction. Now isn't the time, I'm not letting him get out of the conversation by flirting his way out as he'd usually be able to. No matter how tempting it is, I think this is way more important to talk about this.
Despite this thought, I fall silent.
"Amber it's going to be fine." Daniel comforts and I can't help but feel like it should be the other way around. I should be comforting him. He's way too calm about this. As if reading my mind he shakes his head a little and looks out to the stunning view before us for a moment, my eyes follow his admiring the glimmering water. My attention is brought back by Daniel clearing his throat uncomfortably. "I have a lot of options." He comforts and I raise my eyebrow in questioning. "The amount they have to pay me is pretty sickening." he adds casually and I snort at the way the words.
Money won't make a difference to Daniel's life. He already has enough of it, our conversation from two days ago is evidence of this. He has enough money that Ben and Lara (and any number of his other god-children or honorary nieces and nephews) never need to worry about a thing. It's a wonderful thing but ultimately, the 'sickening' amount of cash won't make a difference to him.
"I also called a mate at Alpine," he begins with a scratch at the back of his head, I chew on my bottom lip, rolling my ankle in my sandals. Anything to distract me from the internal panic which is only minorly soothed by Daniel's small list of 'options'. "It was looking for a job for you." We bypass this fact quickly. "Apparently there's a free seat there now. They're interested." My mouth opens at the news. "Actually a couple of teams are." He finishes and relief fills me. My eyes soften in his direction and the dread in me has significantly reduced.
So maybe it's not as bad as I first thought. Being left out in the cold (information wise) did nothing for my anxiety levels though. "I can't believe you didn't tell me." I say, my voice almost wistful and Daniel just nods in understanding.
Out of everyone he should've known that I would understand, or at very least been able to sympathise. My family is full of high performance athletes (Lando) and business owners (Dad, Oliver and Flo). Then there's me, fired from her first adult job, chasing her brother (and now boyfriend) around the world as he does his job with no real role at all. If anybody can judge daniel, it's certainly not me. Not that I ever would.
I so badly want to be the person he can open up and tell anything to, because he's that person for me. So often he bottles everything up, keeping that bright smile on his face even when he's struggling and it's not something he ever has to do. Especially not with me. I hope he knows that I will love him even if some days that smile, that I love so much, doesn't show.
As if knowing I'm internally spiralling again with all of the information, or rather the lack of information from him, Daniel reaches hands out to me. He pulls me into his body in a tight hug. I can't tell from his tight hold if it's to comfort me or cling for support.
I breathe in his familiar scent, even over the suncream it's distinctly him and I find myself relaxing into his touch. My hands fisting at his oversized white tee as we support eachother under the sun, the news settling around us heavily, but at least it's all out in the open and he can get through this with my full support now. The music is still playing, the water swishing softly in the Greek breeze, but neither of us make the effort to move. Daniel's lips graze my scalp once, twice, three times before he nuzzles his head against me. Pressing his face into my hair as if trying to bury his head in me, a small smile makes its way onto my face with the action.
My eyes flutter closed just appreciating the feel of him against me, enjoying the feel of his hands against my waist, and the hush of his breath on my shoulders. The hold is hot, especially under the hot Greek mid-afternoon sun, but I don't feel like moving an inch. Not that I could with the tight grip Daniel has on me. I'm right where he needs me to be.
My fingers loosen on the material of his shirt, tracing up his firm body until they reach his head. They run small circles over the thick strands of short hair before inching to the longer curls and tangling there. Massaging small circles on his scalp.
"Amber," Daniel says my name softly, the call almost a whimper from his lips, and my fingers pause in his curls, fitting in the small circles of them perfectly. He's never said my name like that before, so quietly, desperately as if I might disappear if he says it any firmer. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to be real." Daniel explains almost silently, his hands holding me tightly, as if he needs me to ground him. I'm only quiet. I don't know what else to say so I grip into him with just as much intensity. "I'm scared this is it." He admits and I raise my head from his chest with the words.
For the first time since he revealed everything Daniel looks unsure, scared even. There's a waver to his voice a wateriness to his vision.
The reaction is enough to break my heart into pieces.
I gasp with the admission, a tear I didn't even realise was there falling down my cheek with the desperate words as I cling to his body. My hands have fallen from his scalp so that I can hold his face in my hands. I brush my lips against his gingerly, my thumbs grazing along the dark stubble which lines his jaw.
"It won't be." I comfort the best I can. He said it won't be, he has options, he said so himself. "It won't be." The words repeat from me. I press a gentle kiss to his lips a certain not of my head after the words. My arms wind back around him, tying my hands back into his white tee.
I'll do everything in my power to make sure that it won't be.
——
I swear I've had this written for weeks it's just bad timing and now I've hurt my own feelings I-
Sorry, but tysm for over 150k reads this is mad!
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