AUTHOR'S NOTE
So I've been seeing some reader comments mentioning that Ariana's doing too much with Ares' credit cards and the soup to Ace. Mind you, I'm very protective of my dear main character. (should I be concerned that I'm angry for my own character in a book I wrote??)
You readers are entitled to your own opinion, of course, but I think this is an important thing to mention.
If you expect your moral standards to be met, you WON'T find them here. This is a literally MAFIA book. Some things are bound to be grey, so if you want a book with perfectly good characters with a hero complex or sm, you might want to avoid books that partake in illegal things.
It's just unnecessary to comment on things like Ariana's 'doing too much when you literally clicked this book knowing the family business is based on murder and stealing 👹
Anyway, let's go back to the story!
I spoke too soon. I've should know nothing happy in my life lasted long. Especially when I knew no matter how much I forgot about it, the night always came regardless. My comfort of darkness that came in sleep no longer existed. They came to invade my mind and to bring the lights with monsters into my once only solace.
My eyes snapped open, chasing away a new flashback of Kodiak's cruel smile as he watched the other monsters slice my skin open all over my twelve years old body. His laughter when I screamed. I imagined that my scream was music to their ears. My eyes were the only thing I could order to work.
The growing heavy weight pressed against my entire being down and the gravity increased tenfold. Tears sprang into my eyes as I desperately tried to move. I would gladly take any twitch of muscles but my body refused to budge, no matter how much my brain ordered it to move.
I could hear the voices in my head screeching in my ears and feel the phantom touches on me, taunting me - deepening the conflicting storm inside me. My mind was of a raging storm, thunders roaring in my ears, and the freezing hard rain pounding upon me. In the darkness, I could see the light coming from a few pairs of eyes. They were staring at me. Right above me where I lay on my bed, the sharp blue-eyed man - Kodiak - was staring at me merely inches away.
I stared back at his cold icy eyes with my wet and teary ones. My body wanted to shake violently in fear but still, it wouldn't follow. My whole skin and the bed were soaked in sweat. My lips were clammed shut, no sounds coming out. No reaction except for the terror evident in my eyes and soul.
The invisible weight suddenly let go, the voices faded and the bright eyes disappeared, encasing me into darkness once again. I relished in the comfort of the void of light. I could breathe and move again. I scrambled up until my back hit the headboard behind me. I did nothing but just breathe and wriggle my toes and fingers.
'This is what happens when you get ahold of yourself'.' The voice in my head hissed. 'You'll never be happy. You don't even know how it feels like.'
I ignored it. As always I pushed it down instead of facing it. I told myself the same excuse all over again. I'm too tired to fight. Always with the same excuse for years. In the end, I wouldn't be surprised if I find myself old and wrinkled, still telling myself the same thing as my soul faded away into darkness for eternity.
Or earlier, as I hope it would.
I felt the underlying hatred for my brothers in the pit in my stomach again. I felt this way each time I had sleep paralysis, which happened every single sleep. I hated all of them for keeping me alive. Did they want me to suffer? I tried telling myself that they didn't know about sleep paralysis. But I couldn't deny that they knew about the years of torture I've endured. Did they think I would get over it?
I would never get over it. The damage was done and there was no going back.
They wanted me to be alive for their sake. To keep them sane. For their own selfish reasons. If they truly loved me deeply without any selfish desires, they would have let me die a long time ago. To let me rest in peace for once and all.
Why keep a broken girl who wants to die living only for her to suffer further?
The hate only grew after that night I was drugged. They forced me to live, even Alex who I cared for and trusted more than others, and the only thing I've gotten was a slap of reality that I would never be happy.
But I knew by the following morning, I would wake up to go to the mirror. I would look at it, remembering what Mother told me. I will force myself to smile or laugh in the mirror. Then I'll convince everybody I was healing perfectly - so good that even I convinced myself. The hatred I felt for my brothers each night would disappear momentarily. At moments, I even felt happy but they were always fleeting when nightmares came to remind me of the reality.
In the basement, the light came with the monsters. Out here, it's different. My demons and nightmares will not follow me during the daytime. At nights, they haunt me endlessly.
I hated myself for feeling the hatred and anger for my brothers too easily all while I couldn't even muster up the energy to be angry or hate Kodiak. He was behind everything yet I hated the people who I cared about more than him.
I knew it was because I cared about the brothers, even coming to love some of them.
All of the people I cared about betrayed me and their deception would be painted over easily with my love for them. Guilt gnawed at me that I sometimes felt the way about them while some of them did nothing but be so good to me.
But so did Mother and Mia.
I've heard some say men were the worst gender. To me, it was the opposite. Women were the worst and most dangerous. They're secretive, hiding their poisonous soul behind a kind mask. You never see them coming. People say poison is a woman's weapon. Some call it cowardly but to me, it was the worst way to die. To have someone you love or trust hand over you poison and drink only to realize you've been crossed too late. They use your own heart to cut you deep to the core. They know the words to hurt you. Men replied on sheer physical strength to hurt you and you could see it coming most of the time. The latter hurt a lot less.
I admit it helped a little that my family was all men, not women - considering the women in my past.
I dragged my legs out of the bed to take a quick shower, to take rid of all the sweat on my skin. Of course, as my luck deems, my legs gave up on me the moment I tried to stand up. I've walked around far too much today. I knew I would be using a wheelchair tomorrow, to my dismay.
Ignoring the feeling of breaking bones, I pushed myself onto my knees. I was exhausted, not only mentally but physically too. I couldn't even hold up my weight anymore.
I jumped slightly as I heard footsteps outside, nearing to room. No, that cannot be. They couldn't see me like this. I always showered before I saw any of them. With my wide fearful eyes and sweat coating my clothes, it was painfully obvious I'd had a nightmare. I didn't want them to know I have them. They would try to coax me into talking about it, especially Ace. The only one who would overlook was Salvo so I hoped it would be at least be him.
Again, my luck never seems to be good to me.
"Ari?" Ace's panicked voice came from the doorway. A large part of me felt relieved there wasn't any light pouring in. He didn't bother to turn the lights on. I couldn't handle anything more to remind me of the past. My walls were completely crumpled down, my mask of healing was down. I couldn't bring myself to act something else.
I refused to look up. I knew how pathetic and weak I looked. Especially when I got myself into this position. I was on my knees, hunched over and breathing heavily from the little exercise I had. My mouth tightened into a thin line and I bit down my cheeks inside my mouth until I drew blood. Even so, I kept on and bit down even harder.
I could almost sense his presence rushing to me before I felt his arm going around my back. I held back a grimace, thinking about how much of my spine he could feel - deeming me as weak and useless.
"Why are you out of the bed?" He asked quietly. I felt his eyes on me, zoning on each inch of my skin, studying and picking out every single detail. His hand went up to my forehead to check my temperature. "You're too hot. I think you have a fever." He stated. "I'm getting a doctor. I'll be right back."
"I'm fine." I managed to get out. "I don't need a doctor." This happened each night and it didn't mean I'm sick. It was merely my body overheating from the sleep paralysis and my panic or fear.
"Ariana," he said sternly as he pulled me up on my feet. I swayed, leaning most of my weight on him for support. "You're not fine."
"I am." I insisted. "I just sweat a lot. I'll be peachy once I take a cold shower."
"No, I will get a doctor." Ace persisted, shaking his head. "You're not exactly the one who can deem yourself to be fine. Just look at yourself."
"I said I'm fine! I don't need any help!" I snapped, hating the fact it was him that saw me in a vulnerable state right after a nightmare for the first time. He was Ace who lied straight to my face about my biological father's death status. "Especially from you."
He studied me intensely, making me itch to look away from his intimidating stare. I dug my nails into my palm, trying to steady myself.
'You're fine. ' The voices smoothed me. I could feel their phantom touch smoothing and combing through my hair. It wasn't real but I still slightly leaned into the comfort.
"Okay," Ace finally spoke and I looked over at him in shock. His hand was still curled around my arm and my weight was held by his arm on my back. "If you don't need my help, I'll back off."
He gently set me back down to the floor where I sat on my butt and my back was leaning on a wall. He backed away until the back of his legs hit my hospital bed and he sank onto it. He leaned forward until his interwoven hands were resting on his knees. All the way, he didn't break the staredown between us. His stare was void of emotions whilst mine was flashing with various emotions - fear, distrust, confusion, and many more. Most of my feelings still stemmed from sleep paralysis.
"I'll wait here while you shower." He said, taking out his phone from his pocket. "We'll talk when you're done."
I stared at him. With my legs useless on my feet, I'd have to crawl towards the bathroom, and there was no way in hell I would do that in front of Ace. He knew that fact and he was taunting me. I felt my blood sleep out from where I dug my nails deeper into my palms and I relished in the comfort of the control - in a world where only I can give myself pain, not others.
"If you need help, just say the word." He added, scrolling his phone which had lightened up the room - aiding the dim lights from the building next to the hospital coming through the glass wall.
"You should go." I managed to say without allowing pain to lace my tone. My palms and mouth were bleeding from self-inflicted pain. Each time a muscle in my leg twitched, pain shot up in my whole leg. The stinging pain from the burn on my stomach and the self-inflicted cuts from the glasses increased tenfold, as I didn't have any distraction from it. I also felt the phantom pains from every single scar on my body. I was too hot and I needed the cold water to smooth or cool my overheating skin. Even my high pain tolerance didn't help me - my mental barriers were crumbling and it was putting down my physical endurance. I struggled to keep my cool. I couldn't show Ace that I was in pain.
"No." Ace simply replied, leaving us to fall into silence.
"I hate you."
I blurted out after a few minutes of silence. Something inside me made me feel like I had to say it. For lying, his deception, and worst - saving me.
"I know." He nodded in acceptance, lowering his phone and shifting his attention back to me. "That doesn't mean I cannot help you."
"I don't need it," I said. "I just need you to go." Before I break down.
"Why?"
"I told you before. I don't need you!" I lowered my head to my feet which were currently wiggling around - both relieved that I could move again and an attempt to distract myself from the pain and the storm inside my mind.
"Maybe you don't." Ace murmured. "But I do. All of us do."
"What?" I snapped my head up to look at him in shock. His words came out of nowhere and if I was being honest, it perplexed me. He took a deep breath and cracked his knuckles. His eyes were utterly fixed on his formal shoes which matched his suit.
"Years ago, we considered you to be our weakness. The soft spot of our hardened family. We couldn't fathom what we would've done if something happened to you. Then you were gone and we lost it. We all changed. Everything changed. Our personality. Our routine. Our morals. We grew up without you. Now? Now that I see you I consider you also to be our strength."
My eyebrows knitted together. I was a burden, not a strength. I'm a girl who can't even walk without a slight limp. A weak girl who can't fight off her opponents. A girl who pretended everything was fine. Pretending she was healing when in reality her mind was getting weaker and fragile, ready to shatter at any moment. A girl who couldn't shake off the shackles of her captors. A girl who didn't even want to live. A girl who desperately want to die because she was afraid of the dark side of her own mind which was determined to haunt her. A girl who runs away from her demons and these she couldn't outrun, she pulls it back behind the high walls around her heart.
Ace, unaware of my wandering thoughts, continued explaining after he gave me a moment for his words to sink in.
"Without you, we fall apart. We can't stand seeing you getting hurt again and again. It hurts us more than you possibly imagine. When you're hurt, it breaks all of us. With your presence with us, things are better. Even when some of us don't show it. We're so happy that you're back with us, despite the circumstances. Noah was grumpy all of the time and he was in his room all of the time deep into his device but now he's breaking out of his shell. Merely because he wants to see you all of the time. When I came back, I was so shocked to see Alex change - for the best. I could see his old person returning. I never saw him smile or laugh for years until now. He spoke. Before you came back, only I and Luca saw him around but now he's around all of the time and involved with family activities. Apollo, well, is just Apollo but he's even more cheerful around you. You did it to them, Ari."
I think I might stop breathing. My eyes flooded with tears, this time it was not one of sadness or one that represented the storm in my mind but from the warmth that flooded my veins. I held back a small smile.
Ace might have a way of words to cut deep into my heart and fill it with warmness but it didn't mean I forgave him with mere words. I didn't want to smile in case he misunderstood the action as me forgiving or trusting him.
I was grateful for his words that gave me a sense of contentment but it didn't explain himself.
"Why are you telling me?" I asked.
"I wanted you to know how important you are to us." He replied.
Not enough for him if he lied easily and could easily be avoided destroying a chance of me trusting him. There wasn't even any trust or spark of care between us to even begin with but I had honestly excepted better from him.
I nodded slightly and brought my knees up to my cheek. I studied the floor, trying to block out any dark wandering thoughts. Ace's words brought me a temporary distraction but if he didn't seriously leave I would break down completely, leaving myself in a vulnerable state in front of him.
"I excepted you to talk to me like you talked to Ares yesterday." He chuckled softly after a few minutes of silence. He was trying to ease up the tense atmosphere but it wasn't working.
"I just matched his energy." I shrugged, even though he couldn't see me well in the dim room.
He was an asshole to me so I'll be tenfold asshole back. You lie to me, I'll lie countless times back to you, Ace.
I didn't want to muster up the energy to say it out loud, only to further the conversation. It could be saved until later as soon I gain back my composure and a cold shower.
"Leave," I repeated for the third time before he could reply. "Please."
He nodded slowly, giving up. I released a relieved breath. "I'll help you to the shower." He said and I instantly shook my head. If he helped me, he would find the fresh bloody crescent moon scars on my palms. He would see how much my legs were hurting right now and ordered everybody to ensure I stayed in my wheelchair most of the time this week.
"Are you sure you can manage?" Ace seemed to hesitate. I nodded. He dipped his chin once and turned to the door, leaving me shocked. I'd thought he would never leave until he talked to me about getting him high or the tension between us. I guessed he wanted to coax it in a step by step so I could slowly sink into his trap and when I was deep enough he could shut his jaws shut, keeping me.
I finally broke exactly thirty seconds later with the room dark and the door shut.
The following morning, I would be fine again.