Sitting before the doctor, I felt so many nerves. I already knew they'd be taken aback that I was a man.
Travis was right next to me and I almost wanted to just curl up onto his lap. It would make the nerves subside...but I knew I couldn't do that here.
As we sat here for some time, I saw the doctor go over the papers. His eyes were scanning it slowly and he never glanced at us once. It made me begin to regret even coming here. Am I fool for having thought I could do this so simply?
I think so.
"So...let me get this straight," He starts, and I look at him now, "Seo Min-Jun, you are pregnant with Iverson Travis' baby?"
"Y-Yes." I nod quickly, noticing his face twist up into confusion. "I-I understand if y-y-you're uncomfortable with this...I-I can leave."
"Mimi what are you doing?" Travis whispers quite loudly to me, and I grin solemnly at him. "We just got here, don't be afraid."
"If he doesn't w-want to do it, h-he doesn't h-have to. I will c-completely understand. I'm not...n-normal here, that's why I-I wanted to do it in A-America; b-but I couldn't wait... That i-is my fault, and I'm sorry-."
"Wait!"
I flinch when the doctor exclaims. I look at him nervously because I didn't know why he was raising his voice at us. I hope...he wasn't going to say something or make a spectacle over nothing.
"I never said I had a problem." He finally says, and I look away from him. "It's different, indeed, but I wasn't against it. I'm a doctor, you have to put aside what you feel and not let your opinions affect your work ethic and job itself."
"Yes...th-that is true..." I nod slowly because I don't know if he was trying to hint he was putting aside his beliefs. Most peoples beliefs are heterosexual marriage and relationships, that's it.
I see the doctor start to write down some things and I scoot back into my seat. My hands in my lap as I look down nervously.
All I felt was regret. I was so driven and now all that drive was gone. I blame the hormones, one-hundred percent.
"Mimi," I feel Travis pull my chair right beside his, grabbing my hand, "if you want to leave, I will understand."
Before I can respond the doctor stood. He was quick to when Travis said that.
"I never said I wasn't going to do it, but if you don't want to anymore-."
"I-I do!" I exclaim excitedly, and he nods forward.
"Okay, then follow me." He starts to walk around his desk and I stood up fast. I grab Travis' hand and we follow him to the necessary room.
I was kinda nervous because I didn't know what to expect. It wasn't scary when we got to the room though. I thought I'd be a little frightened, but all I felt was excitement.
Just standing here and knowing I might see my baby soon...
I froze in place, almost fearful to even walk forward. I don't know why...but I was. It was weird...this fear I had.
"It's okay."
I look, seeing Travis grinning down at me. My lips tighten together as I walk forward now. I sit on the seat like it was a chair, not even fully sitting my body in it.
I wasn't stupid, I knew I was supposed to lay in it. I just didn't want to. I probably should...but I just haven't. My lips tighten together as I felt lots of shame I don't know why. My hands rested on my stomach, only for Travis to rest his hands on my shoulders.
He began to push me back, and I just lay back now. To see him so comfortable made me feel kind of better. I still was debating on if I wanted to feign my comfort. It didn't seem possible because my facial expressions always gave me away.
"It's okay baby." He murmurs to me, and I nod. "I'm here, nothing will happen to you or the baby."
"I k-know, but I feel weird... Maybe I s-shouldn't have come."
"We can still walk out, that simple." Travis smiles.
"Please don't." The doctor chuckles, walking towards me with gel. "I insist, I will do it. This will be a new kind of ultrasound to take over. I've never done a male patient, so please let me do this."
I see Travis look a little off-putted by his words, but he nods slowly.
He wiggles his fingers upon me, and I smile.
"Would you like to put the gel on, or me?" He raises his eyebrow, and I nod at him. "Don't mind if I do."
I pull my shirt up, and that causes him to take the gel onto his hand. He starts to rub it on and I try not to laugh. It kind of tickled as he rubbed it kind of slowly.
I could tell he noticed as he smiled at me.
"Does it tickle?"
"Yeah." I blush, and he just chuckles at my shyness. I kind of liked it as he finishes, just grinning down at me lovingly. "That f-felt nice, it just t-tickled."
"We should get some and you put it on my stomach. I want to feel." He teases, making me snicker at how silly he was. I appreciated him trying to help me feel better...I really do.
I see the doctor come towards me with some stick, and he nods over at the large screen. Found myself scared out of nowhere as I move out of the way of the stick, causing him to frown.
"Mimi it won't hurt the baby-."
"I-I know! I'm just...nervous." I breathe and I don't know why I was losing it. I was making a fool out of myself for no reason. "I don't know what's w-wrong with me."
"Nothing is wrong with you." The doctor tells me. "It's normal to be nervous. You're going to see your child for the first time and it's a new experience. It'll be worth it because it brings you closer to your unborn child, seeing them in the process of being created to a full-fledged human-being."
I found myself slightly relaxed by that, and I grab Travis' hand. He looked more nervous than me now at this point. As I look at him I saw his eyes divert onto me and he soon smiles like he's confident.
Except to see him just as nervous as me...made me feel way better.
I face forward, nodding at the doctor to do it. He rests it on my stomach now and I flinch to feel it run along my stomach like that.
Just watching the process made me feel a little nervous. Except I've been feeling that this whole time so that's nothing new for me. Out of nowhere, we began to see a small little thing on the screen.
I could clearly see a head and I found myself almost panicking. To see a baby there and to know I'm not crazy!
I never thought I was, but it's just the fact that there really is a baby. My eyes were zoned in on it only, nothing else. I didn't want to look at anything else. This sight was perfect.
Of course it was.
Biting my lip, I look at the screen.
"Travis...that's our b-baby." I murmur, grinning softly. "Aren't they cu-."
I look, seeing Travis covering his eyes. He wasn't making any noise while he covered his face, but I could tell he was crying. His grip on my hand is as soft as can be and I just grin.
"Can you tell w-what the gender is?" I ask the doctor now, and he nods. "Can we know, p-please?"
"You don't have to ask." He chuckles, and I see him start to look closely. Only to soon zoom in on a certain part. I didn't see anything near the top of its legs.
I feel like if it was a boy...it'd be obvious. It's Travis we are talking about and I think he'd be just as inclined...like Travis was.
"Well, I don't see anything and with the way things are developing, I can proudly say that it is a girl. The caudal end is down, because if it was a boy it would up. Look..." He starts to show us what he was talking about and I look over at Travis.
Except he was crying still. I pull on his hand and he removes his hand from his face, lips trembling as he tried to hold in the tears. I see him look forward only to cover his eyes with his hand again.
It made me surprised because I genuinely didn't think he'd react this way. Made my heart softer than it ever has been before.
"Travis you're b-being so cute..." I murmur to him, and he only cries more. I just smile as I face forward and look at...our daughter.
I found myself biting my lip at all the name options that flew around in my head.
Hyacinth...
Freesia...
Jasmine...
Rose...
Primrose... Oh! Primy...
"It's our little Primy..." I gush, looking over at Travis again and he looked at me now.
"Primy? What does that stand for baby?" He croaks as he crouches before me. I had to lower my head just to look at him because the seat was higher than him now.
"Primrose. Reminds me...when w-we met. The roses..."
"Rosie." He breathes, and I nod. "Then our daughter being named Primrose? Primy...for short, I am guessing?"
I nod again, causing him to smile happily.
"I have never been so in love with a name before in my entire life of living, and I'm only nineteen-."
"You're nineteen?!" The doctor exclaims, and Travis looks at him like he's crazy. "I...I would've never guessed it. Americans age much more differently than we do I guess."
He begins to chuckle, and Travis looks back at me. I found my head turning onto the doctor fast, seeing him still moving. He seemed to be taking pictures and I narrow my eyes on him.
"What did you mean by that?" I question him, and he looks at me. "You're saying that...based on what? Not h-his race, right? Because I will tell on you if you're-."
"No! Of course not!" The doctor cries out, shaking his head fast. "Just Americans in general, you must admit that many look like their age, am I wrong?"
I go silent, looking at Travis now.
He just grinned down at me and then my eyes moved onto his body. His highly attractive...sexy body...
"Shì." ( Yes. ) I agree with him, but I don't answer in English. That makes the doctor chuckle at the fact that I didn't say it in English. I look at Travis who had his eyebrows raised on me quite high.
I just smile only to gasp.
"Oh! One...b-big reason why we came was to ask...if we can have s-sex." I ask the doctor, and he snorts. I hear Travis snort too even though I didn't find it embarrassing for some odd reason.
I know I would've if I wasn't pregnant.
"You can, in moderation. There are suggested positions that are best, I can't list any; but there are websites that I can recommend. I can say that it's best to avoid lying on your stomach altogether, don't be on your back for too long, and just be smart about it is all-."
"B-But...Travis is very big and what if h-he pokes the baby-?"
"Min-Jun!" Travis cries out, and I look at him. I saw how startled he looked by my words, but he held no anger on his face. He had kind of a smile like he was trying not to laugh.
"My apologies for asking...but how big?" The doctor asks, and I look at him with wide eyes. "I don't mean to ask inappropriately, it's so that I can give you an accurate answer."
I lick my lips, facing forward now. I began to imagine where it starts as I rest my hand low. I then let my hand go upwards until it stops about some far apart. Looking at Travis now, he looked very embarrassed as I nod at my hands.
"Isn't it a little b-bigger?" I ask him casually, and he looks away fast. "What-?"
"I think if you're even questioning if it's bigger than the size you are showing, that's all the information I need. Just be careful. I can't tell you...not to have sex, but that's - I...I don't even know what to say about that one." He clears his throat and I drop my hands to my lap now.
"So...we c-can't?"
"In moderation, is all. Nothing to physically demanding, I'd say just try new things that aren't sex." He chuckles, and he pulls the stick away now. I am handed a towel as he walks to some printer. "It's nice to try new things."
"B-But-."
"I agree!"
I flinch, looking to see Travis nod very fast. I didn't know why he was so onboard with this. He should be just as disappointed as me...we need to figure out a way at some point. I can't abstain from him, it's impossible!
"You do?" I mumble to himself as I wipe the gooey stuff off of my stomach. The doctor hands me ultrasound pictures of our baby, and I grin down at her. "When do you think she will be born?"
"I mean, you are a male; so the process of how she develops may be shorter or longer. I need to look into that. Once I figure it out I will try and give you a rough estimation of when she will come. Next time, if you set an appointment with me, we can hear the heartbeat." He gushes and I gasp excitedly.
"Yes please!" I exclaim happily.
"I thought you'd say that." He smiles at me and begins to walk away. When I saw him round the corner I look over my shoulder at Travis.
He took one of the pictures, just looking at it with so much love. I waited for him to look at me and once he did he frowns.
"Yes Mimi?"
"Do you h-have anything to say for yourself?" I question him quite seriously. I tried to make myself quite serious as I stand on my toes to make myself a little taller. He still was looking down at me, but it shows him how serious I am!
I see him look at the picture again, and soon smile.
"Oh, yes, thank you so much for this blessing Mimi. I love you." He smiles, coming towards me for a hug until I stop him. He looked confused as I grab his arms and firmly place them at his sides. "I don't understand..."
"Not that, but I am happy you're thankful," I lean towards him and kiss his lips fast, stepping away quickly, "I love you too; but it's the s-sex stuff... You accepted what he said so fast! You...you really will abstain from sex w-with me?"
I see Travis' mouth gape open some, and he closes it fast. He looks around the hall and just chuckles, cradling my face with his hands now.
"I gladly will-."
"But why?" I whine very loudly and I didn't care as another couple walked past us.
"It's for Primy, remember? If I could possibly hurt her even just a bit, I'd die. I won't risk such a thing. It's like what he said," Travis husks the last sentence as he wraps his arm around my waist, his other hand running through my hair, "It's nice to try new things, even without sex. Isn't that right-?"
"Isn't that wrong?!" I cry, trying to yank away from him but his arms didn't even budge. "Let me go y-you m-made me angry!"
"But what did I do Mimi?" He whines as he lets go and I found myself stomping forward. "Think of Primy! You don't want my dick poking her do you? She'll be uncomfortable, you'll be uncomfortable, I'll feel uncomfortable."
I look at him plainly as we were outside now. He waits for me to agree with him but when I don't he snorts.
"You're not seeing it my way, are you?"
"No-!"
"Mimi think of this," He starts, and he grabs my hand as we start to walk forward, making me wonder if he knew where he was going, "I might not have sex with you, but the fun part is all the things I get to possibly do to you. I can do whatever you want me to - besides sex. Now the doors are open to all kinds of possibilities! I'm...honestly kind of excited. I can't be here for that long, but we can do a lot in two weeks. Hmm?"
I found myself pouting as we walked forward. I look at the pictures of Primy, and I could only imagine how much she'd hate to feel her daddy's peepee poking her.
"Yeah...that's g-grossy."
"What?" Travis frowns down at me, but I soon smile as I look up at him.
"I agree with you. She'll h-hate feeling your peepee touch her, that's nasty!" I nod in understanding and he smiles awkwardly, nodding with me. "So...we should do it b-before she starts remembering things-."
"Oh Mimi! You had me fooled there." He chuckles, but I wasn't trying to fool him. He should've let me finish.
"That's you're fault. You should've l-let me finish. I am quite serious." I stick my head up at him, walking forward confidently. He just follows beside me and I set one eye upon him as slickly as I could.
I could see him looking down at me already and I don't break contact with him. Just wait for him to say something so that he knows how I am feeling.
Travis grips his chin, but he wasn't looking at me. I stop when he does and look where he was. That's when I see baby clothes, kind of taking me aback. They were just so tiny and we did know we were having a girl now but...
"Travis I don't think we should-."
"I want to buy Primy something." He almost seems to be speaking to himself as he just walks in. I rush in after him and grab his arm, looking at everyone now.
Their eyes set upon us and I could tell they were very surprised to see two men inside.
Found myself embarrassed, and I tug on him hard.
"Travis let's just d-do it o-o-online."
Travis keeps walking forward, and I could tell he was in his own world at this point. He was grabbing a pink beanie and I stood at a distance. There was already eyes on him because he was the only African American person here, but also he was a man, and attractive. I was looked at...because I clearly held ultrasound pictures and I began to become shy.
I don't know why I was, but the stares were much more prominent. In America, no one would pay us mind.
"I want to buy this." Travis rushes up to me, and I see him holding a pink beanie with a tiny white onesie that had some pink dress almost sowed onto it. My eyes move onto the price tag and saw it was forty dollars, if I was to turn the yuan to regular American currency.
"Forty...d-dollars." I tell him and he rushed to the counter.
I didn't follow him as I look away. My eyes set on socks. I stood before them and found myself amazed. I look down at my feet and saw how different they were to each other.
Grabbing a pair, I look down in awe. Primy's tiny feet...were going to go into these one day...
"Nǐ qīzi ní?" ( Where's your wife? )
I flinch, looking to see some man look at me familiarly.
Clearing my throat, I set the socks down as I grin shyly.
"Wǒ zìjǐ lái de...wǒ xiǎng gěi tāmen yī gè jīngxǐ." ( I came by myself...I wanted to surprise them. ) I lie to him, and he nods. I was hoping that was all he'd have to say, but he was talking to me more.
"Tài shénqí liǎo, shì bā? Chéngwéi fùqīn de xiǎngfǎ duì wǒ lái shuō réngrán shì xīn de, dàn tā shǐ wǒ chōngmǎn liǎo wǒ cóngwèi gǎnshòudào de xìngfú. Dāng wǒ wèn biérén shí, tāmen wǎngwǎng huì shuō tóngyàng de huà. Nǐ ní?" ( It's quite amazing, huh? The very idea of becoming a father is still new to me, but it fills me with happiness I have never felt. When I ask others, they tend to say the same. You? ) He questions me now to the idea of being a new father.
I felt...bad because I was holding my child. I was in place of his wife and I am here before him, pretending like I know what he means.
I feel it on a whole different level than him, but I would never discredit how he feels...never.
"Wǒ kěyǐ tóngyì, bǎifēnzhībǎi." ( I can agree with that, one hundred percent. ) Is all I say, and I found myself bowing fast before him. "Qǐng yuánliàng wǒ zìjǐ." ( If I may excuse myself. )
I rush around him and right when Travis turns around after paying I grab his arm. Pulling him out fast, I ignored his questions and just wanted to be gone from there.
"Mimi what happened?" Travis keeps asking me, butI ignored him. I wasn't going to tell him yet because I don't want him to think that man did anything, because he didn't.
I just felt shame. I don't know why...but I felt like a cheat and I was uncomfortable.
I want to be able to tell people I am holding a child...without worrying about the twisting of their expressions. I just want to be comfortable...and I'm not just yet.
I'm comfortable with my predicament...
I'm just not comfortable with people's reactions and feelings towards it. I'd rather hear none of that...that negativity; yet I can't help but hear it all.
And that's what hurts the most.
How much I care about what others think.
___________________🥺
oh Mimi... 🤦🏽♀️
just tune out the haters! 🙇🏽♀️
there will always be someone that hates you. 🤷🏽♀️
just gotta learn when... 😗
to not give af. 😌
congrats on Primy. 🍄🍼☺️
- yolo✨